As it turns out, being the suicidal, cute, bad boy can do wonders for the sympathy dating scene. Shawn returned to school the next day in a black long sleeve shirt and ignored the stares. What he couldn't ignore was the handful of notes that fell out of his locker when he opened it. Word had, of course, gotten around what had happened to Shawn and now he figured half the stares were that of pity and the other half of judgment.
Cory rounded the corner and stopped at his locker. "Dude, what's with the notes? You got some secret girlfriend now?"
Shawn laughed and bent down to pick up the couple notes that fell. He put them at the bottom of his locker but kept one and opened. It was a note written in perfect handwriting with hearts above the 'i's.
"Ah, well Denise says she hopes I get better and she would love to help in any way she can, xoxo," Shawn read to Cory.
He put Denise's note in his locker and unfolded another one and read, "Cheryl said she is available to talk and is free this Saturday for a date."
Cory smirked, "Well, nothing can take you away from the ladies, Shawnie."
Shawn scoffed and stuck all the notes in his bag; he would read them later, if he felt like it. He could tell they would probably all be like that. "Yeah, guess they like the crazy look just as much as they like bad boy look."
Cory got his books for class and closed his locker. "Well maybe things will be easier then…"
Shawn shrugged as he closed his locker. He was just glad that summer break was coming next week and they could all go on summer break and forget about him. He might read the notes, but he wasn't going to go out with any of the girls. He didn't want their pity dates. They just wanted him because they wanted a cute boy they could save and fix. He didn't want their charity and he didn't want to be their project. He saved their numbers though, just in case he needed a one night stand later on.
Finishing sophomore year went surprisingly well, as did the summer. That's at least what Shawn wanted everyone to think. He did really well for the last week of school and a couple weeks in the summer. But as summer went on Shawn grew bored and his thoughts keep leading back to how much he wanted to cut himself open. He would be sitting watching TV with Cory and he would suddenly need to slice his wrists apart. He never gave in though. He kept it to himself and wrote about it. He didn't know how to explain that he was just bored and needed to stop himself from thinking. He always thought about where his parents were or if they were happy he wasn't with them. He knew they were. They always used to tell him that they would be better off if they never had him. He was glad they were gone but he also wondered what was so wrong with him that they would leave him.
He didn't give into his desire to cut until his mother returned at the end of the summer. It was completely unexpected and Shawn panicked. It was a week before school and Shawn had just walked in the front door into the living room to the Matthews' home. He and Cory were planning on having a horror movie marathon.
"Shawn… I saw your mom yesterday," Cory said after Shawn sat down.
"Not funny dude," Shawn said looking through the movies he brought.
"I'm not kidding. I think she's staying at the motel across from the trailer park."
Shawn looked up at Cory and didn't know what to say. He wanted to see his mom because he wanted to have a mother, but he knew she didn't love him. She told him enough times that he knew she didn't want him.
"Ok, well… whatever," Shawn finally said as he went back to picking a movie.
Cory saw that Shawn didn't want to talk about it. For some reason Shawn didn't want to see his mom and Cory wasn't going to press the issue. He left it alone and they commenced their movie marathon.
What Shawn didn't tell Cory was that he wasn't okay with his mom being back. After the third movie, Cory fell asleep. It was roughly 1:30 in the morning and Shawn couldn't sleep. The Matthews' house was quiet and Shawn couldn't stop his thoughts. He tried to write, but nothing came onto the paper. He knew he shouldn't, but he decided he needed to go for a walk.
Once he got outside he felt the heat of the August night hit him. Without realizing where he was heading, he ended up at the park. He sat on a bench across from the playground. He really loved this playground. He had grown up playing here with Cory and Topanga and even running here some nights after his father would beat him and his mother would tell him to just leave.
He knew he was really stupid to come out here by himself like this. He knew what he wanted to do. He felt the familiar tingle of his skin wanting to be torn open. He would give anything to have his knife back. He was tired of ignoring the thoughts and having to 'recover'. He would disappoint everyone if he gave in. But honestly, they didn't understand. They didn't know what it was really like to hate everything that he was. He hated that he couldn't get close to any girls he dated. He wanted to have what Cory and Topanga had. He hated that he made everyone worry about him. He hated that everyone had to adjust their lives for him just because his parents didn't want him. He hated that he couldn't be good enough for his parents to love him. The more he thought the more he wanted to give in. He looked around the park. There had to be something around. He started crying when he realized what he was doing. Was he so pathetic that he was searching a children's park for sharp objects that he could hurt himself with. He gave up and just started walking back to the Matthews'. He walked and cried silently until he reached the door. He took several deep breaths and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He opened the back door and stepped into the kitchen. The kitchen was still dark and it didn't look like anyone was up. He slowly opened the door to the living room and was so glad that Cory was still asleep on the couch. He sighed and closed the door. He walked over to the kitchen sink and splashed water on his face. The cool water felt good against the heat of his face. As he turned off the sink and dried his face on his shirt, he noticed the block of knifes on the kitchen counter. He stared at them and started to hate himself again. Was he really thinking about using a kitchen knife? Amy used those to cut the food that made the family dinners. He can't seriously do that. Everyone was beginning to trust him again.
Shawn quickly grabbed the smallest knife in the block. It was a paring knife that was sharp but able to fit in his pocket. He stuck it in his pocket and walked to the bathroom. He didn't have to do it. He just liked having the knife with him. It was 2:30 a.m. now but he was still wide awake. He sat on the floor of the bathroom against the door and closed his eyes, trying to fight the negative thoughts in his head.
You're useless…No, I'm not. No one loves you…I have lots of people that love me. You're just trailer trash that doesn't deserve to be happy…
Shawn didn't have a response to his last thought. He always knew that was the truth. He never deserved any of these people. They all tell him that he's worth so much, but what is he even good at? He's only good at hurting himself and the people around him.
He pulls the knife out of his pocket. Just one won't ruin everything. Shawn looked at the knife and rolled up his sleeve. He couldn't risk his wrist. Someone might see a cut if the cuff of his sleeve rides up. He placed the knife on his forearm near the bend in his elbow. Once the knife was in place, he stopped thinking and just made the swift movement as his skin opened. It was so normal to him. He loved that his skin still knew how to break open so easily. After his third cut his brain began to work again. He realized he only meant to make one cut. Luckily there wasn't so much blood. He quickly put the knife in his pocket and grabbed some toilet paper. He pressed the paper to his cuts and waited for the bleeding to stop. It took about 5 minutes until he could roll down his sleeve. He stuck the bloody paper in his pocket with the knife and washed his hands. He looked at himself in the mirror and finally felt like he would be able to sleep. He left the bathroom and went back to the living room. As he sat back down on the couch to sleep Cory sleepily opened his eyes.
"Shawn? What time is it?"
"Around 2:30," Shawn replied doing his best to sound like he too had been sleeping.
"Where were you?"
"Just had to use the bathroom Cor- too much soda during the movies. Now shut up, I'm trying to sleep."
Cory shrugged and closed his eyes. Shawn fell asleep a couple minutes later.
The next morning Cory woke up first. It was 10 o' clock and Cory was due to meet Topanga for lunch at noon. He decided to wake Shawn up now so they could eat some breakfast. With a groan, Shawn woke up and the two boys went to grab some cereal from the kitchen. As they ate they talked about the movies from last night and then what their plans were for the day. Cory talked about a cute picnic he had planned for Topanga and Shawn lied about how he might go out on a date that night. After they ate, Cory drove Shawn back to Turner's apartment.
Back at home, Cory got ready for his picnic with Topanga. After getting cleaned up, he went into the kitchen to get the food. His mom was in the kitchen making lunch for the rest of the family.
"Hey mom," Cory said as he started making sandwiches at the counter.
"Oh hey Cor. Do you want some fresh fruit for your picnic?" Amy asked with a smile.
"Yeah mom, that'd be great!"
Amy grabbed half of a watermelon out of the fridge. Since it was the end of the summer, it was on sale and she couldn't pass it up. She placed it on the counter and went to get knife.
"Cor, do you have the paring knife?" Amy asked as she grabbed a different knife to cut the watermelon.
"No, why?" Cory replied not looking up from his task.
"Well, it's not with the others. I just used it yesterday and I know I put it away."
Cory shrugged, "That's weird. Maybe someone used it this morning or something."
Amy accepted the suggestion and started cutting the fruit. "So how was the marathon? Scary enough?"
Cory laughed, "Yeah, it's scary how horrible some of these people can be at acting."
Amy laughed and grabbed some Tupperware for the watermelon.
Cory finished making the two sandwiches and placed them in the basket. He looked at his mother and watched as she carefully cut the watermelon and placed pieces into the Tupperware. "Mom… I'm not sure what to do. I think Shawn's mom is back in town."
"Did you tell Shawn yet? How will he feel about this?" Amy stopped cutting the watermelon and looked at Cory.
"I told him last night. He got kind of weird, but said it didn't matter…"
"Cory… was Shawn ever alone last night?" Amy asked, getting worried.
"No, we fell asleep in the living room watching the movies. He went to the bathroom alone obviously, but…oh…" Cory wished he was wrong, but he somehow knew that Shawn had cut again. He had a weird feeling that Shawn wasn't okay. "I think I may know where your knife is…"
Amy sighed. "Oh…I hope you're wrong. I'm going to call Turner."
Cory quietly packed the rest of the picnic basket. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to go talk to Shawn, but Shawn obviously didn't want any help. Cory was sitting right next to Shawn last night and Shawn didn't even bother to wake him up and talk to him. Once the picnic was ready, Cory left without a word. Amy watched her son leave for his date as she waited for Jon to answer the phone.
"Turner speaking."
"Hi Jon, it's Amy. We need to talk about Shawn," Amy said with a sigh.
Jon paused, "Shawn isn't home yet, what's up?"
Amy was confused. Cory took Shawn home an hour ago. "I think Shawn cut himself again last night… Cory said Shawn's mom is back in town and Shawn is acting odd about it. "
Jon didn't know what to say.
She kept talking, "Cory brought Shawn back to your place an hour ago…"
Jon's mind jumped to the worst possible outcome. "Amy, do you think he'd try it again?"
"I have no idea Jon. I really hope not. I'll tell Alan and George and we'll start looking."
Jon nearly dropped the phone as the apartment door opened. "No need Amy, Shawn just walked in."
"Oh thank goodness! Make sure he's okay Jon. Call back if you need." Amy heard a goodbye and hung up. She was relieved that they didn't need to go through another suicide attempt. She didn't think that anyone could handle that.
Shawn closed the door and watched as Turner walked over to him. "Where have you been Shawn? I just got a call from Mrs. Matthews and she's…"
"I went for a walk... Cory said my mom was back and I had to go see for myself." Shawn was going to lie, but he knew that he didn't need to, Jon would understand. Besides, he didn't actually see his mom. He just walked to the motel and checked with the manager to see if his mom was really there.
"So is she?" Jon asked, calming down. Now that he knew Shawn was alright, he didn't need to be so tense.
"Yeah. Yeah Jon, she is." Shawn didn't know how he felt. He hated when he couldn't figure out his basic emotions. He was too conflicted to even think straight. He wanted to cut again. He could feel the knife in his pocket and it yearned to see his skin. His skin felt heavy and he wanted to cry.
Jon could see Shawn was withdrawing into himself. He would lose Shawn in this moment if he didn't do something. He motioned to the couch, "Shawn, sit down. What are you thinking about?"
Shawn sat down and fell silent. He could barely figure out what he was thinking, how could he possibly put it into words?
"You want to cut right now don't you," Jon asked carefully. He didn't want to put the idea into Shawn's head, but he could tell Shawn wanted it.
Shawn just looked at the coffee table and nodded. Jon rubbed his own neck with his hand and sighed. "Alright. Just talk me through what's going on."
The silence in the apartment was only broken by the midday traffic outside. Shawn was unsure of how talk about what was going on in his mind.
"If you can't talk to me, just think out loud and I'll listen."
Shawn shook his head but found himself talking anyway. "She's my mom right? I mean, I should go see her. But I can't. She doesn't want to see me. That's why she left…But if she's back…if she's back, dad will come back. Dad always wanted to find her. They probably both get along now because they both hate me so much. That's the only thing they ever agreed on… They are just here because they know I've been taking advantage of everyone's help and they don't like it. They know I don't deserve to be here…"
Shawn suddenly went silent. Jon didn't like the thoughts Shawn was having. He didn't know what to say. He'd told Shawn time and time again how much he was wanted and loved, what more could he say? He was suddenly glad when there was knock at the door. He looked at Shawn and then got up to get the door. Shawn was sitting silently on the couch still staring at the coffee table. His hand was in his pocket and he seemed to be lost in his thoughts again.
Shawn had stopped talking because he realized he was going to starting talking about killing himself again. If he mentioned those thoughts out loud he'd be back in the hospital, locked in a ward and talking to a therapist. He put his hand in his pocket with the knife and ran his thumb over the sharp tip. He'd meant to return it last night. He knew he'd be found out if he kept it, but he honestly forgot.
Shawn heard the door open and a loud southern voice, "Hey Shawnie, momma's home." Shawn's thumb slipped and he could feel the knife rip into his thumb.
A/N: Sorry for the cliffhanger. I had horrid writer's block when I realized that the timing for some of the situations didn't add up as I tried to follow the episodes kind of. So I really, really hated writing this chapter and I'm sorry if it kind of sucks. I just didn't know how to transition to the next part of the story without just saying, "then it was next year" So I filled in the gap. Let me know of any good/bad.