*Warning: Mentions of self harm*
A few nights later, Roselyn wasn't really sure what happened. One moment, she was fine in her room thinking about how to approach her brother, apologize to Pamela for not seeing her for the past few days, and read the latest letter she received in the mail from someone in Gotham. The next moment, Rosie stood in front of the bathroom mirror looking at the fresh blood pouring from her self-inflicted wounds. At the time, she did recall it being a good idea to see if she bled like a human because the letter told her she wouldn't because she was a plant. Deep down, Rosie knew she could bleed and she knew her blood was red because she had seen it before. However, she began to have doubts because what if she randomly became more plant with age and lost the fluid that gave animals, humans included, life?
And as she pieced the events together in her head that led her up to this, she went into the bathroom and grabbed her razor and then…
She didn't mean to do this! If she had been in her right mind at the time, she wouldn't have done it. She was regretting her decision because it was just so stupid to even consider this. Her eyes sprung a leak she couldn't stop, but she didn't sob. She was quiet.
Lowering her hands from in front of her face, Rosie gripped the white porcelain sink and looked at her reflection in the mirror.
It wasn't too bad. It was just a little bit of blood. Only a little.
Rosie left the bathroom without tending to the cuts on her arms. She didn't think it was important because she wasn't really all that important. But when Barbara saw her, Rosie felt incredibly guilty. She was unaware that Barbara was talking and urging her back into the bathroom. Rosie did notice Barbara was in her electric chair because she came to about the same height as her.
The brunette stood in front of the sink again, but she registered the blood on the white sink this time. She held her hands in front of her face, opened her eyes wide in shock of what she had done to herself, and looked at Barbara who had already taken washcloths and pressed them to Rosie's arms to help stop the bleeding. "I didn't mean it!" Roselyn finally spoke and began to hear things around her again. She wasn't even aware that she wasn't paying attention to any of her surroundings. She was now aware Barbara was trying really hard not to cry and Rosie hated herself for causing her this grief. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it! I really didn't."
"Don't apologize, sweetie," Barbara said, her voice quiet.
"Are you mad it me?" Rosie asked.
"No. I could never be mad at you," Barbara replied in an even tone. "Press your arms together to keep the towels there." Rosie did as she was told. "Good girl." Barbara opened the cabinets underneath the sink and took out the first aid kit. Barbara opened up Rosie's arms so that the towels fell. She gave a sigh of relief because Rosie didn't cut deep enough to need stitches. She cleaned her up and bandaged the teen's wrists and forearms expertly since this wasn't the first time she tended to wounds, but it was probably the first time she dealt with self-inflicted ones.
"Why aren't you mad?" Roselyn finally asked.
"Because it isn't your fault," Barbara responded calmly. What did Rosie ever do to deserve her? She almost wanted to cry because she was so frustrated that Barbara wasn't mad at her. Rosie felt she should be punished for what she did because it was wrong. Rosie looked down at the bloody washcloths and the sink with her disgusting bloody handprints still on the side. Rosie frowned and thought she could have done this outside or something so she didn't make a huge mess.
"But I did it," she countered.
"Roselyn, just because you did it doesn't mean you're at fault for anything."
"Then if it's not my fault, whose fault is it?" Rosie asked.
"Maybe it isn't anyone's fault."
"That doesn't make any sense. Of course it's my fault. It isn't like anyone took a knife to me and did this to me. I did it to myself."
"Come here," Barbara said and patted her lap.
"You want me to sit on your lap?" Rosie queried. "Aren't I a little big for that?" Her adoptive mother shook her head and Rosie complied, sitting on her mother's lap. Barbara hugged her from behind and held her tight and Rosie didn't realize how much she needed a hug. She twisted her body so she sat sideways and allowed herself to be held. She was thankful for the silence and that Barbara wasn't forcing her to talk about why she did it because Rosie didn't really have a good answer for it. It had been incredibly stupid to check if she bled, but she was glad she was able to feel pain. Being able to feel pain and bleed made her human because plants didn't bleed and they didn't have nerve cells, therefore, not feeling any pain. She didn't care what Poison Ivy said because Rosie knew she was right about plants not feeling pain. It just wasn't possible.
One of Barbara's arms was wrapped around her back and the other wrapped around towards her front, linking her hands together. "How has therapy been going?" Barbara asked.
"Not well, but it isn't Dr. Robinson's fault," Rosie decided to tell. "I haven't been really truthful with her because I know she won't get it and what's going on inside my head."
"Sweetie, she's your therapist. You have to tell her when you have these…darker thoughts going on in your head. She's trained to help people," Barbara explained.
"There's nobody trained to help me," Rosie repeated what Damian had told her once.
"Everybody is different. Nobody is trained to specialize in every single case because every single case is different."
"A huge chunk of Dr. Robinson's patients are transgendered. Those kids are still completely human," Roselyn said as she began to cry all over again. She hated that she couldn't control her emotions. She never really had this issue for a while and she thought she had overcome it. She felt as if she was falling apart and her mind felt like it was collapsing in on itself and she didn't know how to stop it. "She can help them and she does a good job with it. Dr. Robinson is great," Rosie emphasized.
"You've got to talk to her about these things. You aren't the first person to do this, Rosie."
"You can say it. I'm not the first person to cut myself up with a razor. And I know."
"Can you tell me why you did it?" Barbara asked.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Would Pamela understand?" Barbara asked.
"Maybe," Rosie admitted. "But whenever I do something, it's just been triggering her lately. I feel like I'm always taking care of her. I know I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with Pammie right now and I already screwed up the other day."
"Is that why you haven't visited her?"
"I know I can't handle her right now without messing up."
"Okay," Barbara nodded. "But you've got to talk to Dr. Robinson and tell her exactly how you feel. I love you, Rosie, and I don't want to see you so upset that…" she trailed. Rosie looked over to the sink and saw the now dried blood left on it. She hadn't noticed the blood on the floor before and she definitely ruined those washcloths tossed in the sink. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"No," Rosie told her. "You're already there for me and you didn't freak when you saw me. If Pammie saw me, I think it would have turned into something about her. The mindset I was in…I don't think I would have been able to deal with her. I think you ground me. Like all these thoughts and everything in my head stop when you help me," Rosie smiled and got up off of her lap.
"I'm sorry about Pamela, sweetie. You know if she could, she'd help you. But I'm glad I'm already helping you."
"Why is this happening to me?" Rosie asked. "I feel fine now, but before when I did…when I did this," Rosie said as she stood in front of the mirror and her wrists were at eye level as she examined the bandages. "I can't even explain it."
"I think it's important you tell Dr. Robinson everything," Barbara replied. "I don't know why this is happening to you and I'm so sorry it is. You know that no matter what I'm here for you, right?"
"Of course," Rosie said quickly. "But when I get like how I was before I feel…I guess I feel alone. Kind of like I'm nobody."
"You know I'm always here for you."
"I know and I appreciate it," Rosie said as she lowered her arms to her sides. She stared at the blood in the sink with little interest. A little blood wasn't scaring her anymore and part of her felt she wanted to do it again even though she knew she shouldn't. Seeing the blood and feeling that pain was almost therapeutic in a way. Although Rosie knew she wasn't supposed to be alive, she didn't want to die. Feeling that pain and seeing the blood leaving her body simply made her feel human and for that small moment, she could pretend that she was fully human because her body reacted just like a human, not a plant. But her body healed just a little bit faster than normal because she was part plant. This just meant she could do it again sooner. "I don't hold anything against you. It's just that you're normal and I'm just here because I was synthesized in a lab."
"If you haven't noticed, I'm not really normal. I go up to a clock tower and hack complex systems with ease. Plus, I'm in this chair for the rest of my life," Barbara pointed out.
"All of that doesn't make you another species," Rosie pointed out.
"I understand," Barbara said. "I can't imagine what you're going through and I'm not going to pretend that you aren't part plant. I know I can't change that no matter how much you wish it wasn't true. But you know what? The fact that you are part plant allowed you to end up here with me and I'd never change that for the world. You also allowed my father to actually walk me down the aisle at my own wedding. You're amazing, sweetie, and hopefully one day you can see the benefits of being you."
Rosie felt guilty all over again about harming herself. She looked down into the sink again and saw those blood soaked washcloths and her bloody handprints on the porcelain. She looked into the mirror and saw Barbara looking at her and she wondered how one person could be so strong. Originally, Rosie thought Pammie had been invincible, but she was beginning to see that Barbara was truly the strongest person Rosie ever met. She felt disgusted with herself for doing what she had done and wished these confusing and dark thoughts would go away. "What would have happened to me if you didn't adopt me?" Rosie wondered. She probably would have snapped a long time ago considering Barbara was the only one to stop her from going crazy.
"I'm going to be honest and say I don't know. But Rosie, please just know that I wouldn't want it any other way. I love having you around," Barbara assured her.
"Barbara? Roselyn?" Dick shouted from the front door.
"I'll clean this up. You go on and we'll talk later," Barbara said.
"Thanks," Rosie said. "I'm really sorry, though. I didn't mean this."
"I know, honey. Now, go on and if you feel like doing this again, come get me instead, all right?"
"Okay. And thanks for not making a big deal about it," Roselyn said as she hurried out of the bathroom. She said hello to Dick and asked him how his day was. She was careful to tug her sleeves over the bandages so he didn't see them. He asked her where Barbara was and Rosie simply told him she was in the bathroom before going off towards her room. When Barbara finished cleaning up the mess Rosie made, he approached Barbara and the two talked in hushed tones. With her door slightly cracked, Rosie tried to listen in but it didn't help that the two went into the living room. Therefore, Rosie shut the door and easily made a mental connection with the plant in the living room.
It wasn't that she desperately wanted to eavesdrop. Instead, she just wanted to hear Barbara's voice since her thoughts were getting all jumbled and erratic again.
"You've got to be kidding me, Babs," Dick said. "You can't stay home from work again. We really need you out there."
"Rosie needs me here," Barbara stated.
"I understand, but Gotham needs you, too. A lot of lives are on the line here."
"When I adopted Rosie, she became my number one priority. My job comes second now."
"Your job needs to come first, Barbara," Dick said with more patience than he probably had. "Almost one hundred people died last night. It may not have happened-"
"Are you saying it's my fault those people died?" Barbara interrupted.
"What? No!" Dick said quickly. "That's not what I meant."
"Dick, she needs a lot of help. I don't know if you noticed, but I think she's…"
"I know," Dick murmured. "I'm sorry. Listen, we can manage things. You take care of Rosie and make sure she gets the help she needs."
"Maybe in a week I can go for a few hours. Maybe Selina could stay with her."
"Is it that bad?" Dick asked.
"I had to wrap up her arms in bandages."
Rosie stopped connecting with the plant. She was afraid of Dick Grayson's reaction.
Poor Rosie. Who do you think can help her? Can anyone help her?