A/N: Oh wow, now I let you wait so long and all you get is a filler chapter... boo me! And wow 2, once again my beta Steph saved my ass with her mad editing skills, I'm just far too busy and too tired lately to get any good writing done.

Well, I promise this will all lead to some hopefully more interesting stuff in the (near) future ;)

So I've been thinking a lot about what to do with the story and I decided I will not drag it out too long, it just wouldn't fit the story to suddenly start with too many sub-plots. I think you can expect around 3-5 more chapters after this one though :)

Chapter 10

When Brittany stepped into her apartment she felt like showering. She had been willing to do anything so that the Latina would forgive her, but the longer she thought about it, the longer she let that certain feeling linger in her body and mind, the more she realized that even she had her limits. What had Santana been thinking? Was that really all she was to her? A sex tool?

She could still feel Santana's scent all over her and it was driving her nuts. Sure she had wanted this all along, had wanted to get another chance to kiss her, touch her, feel her - but she had also wanted forgiveness or maybe just some kind of affection. Even if Santana couldn't forgive her, even if she felt like she couldn't see her anymore, Brittany had still hoped the brunette would at least have a few nice words left for her. Maybe just a friendly 'good bye and good luck'. But no, she had gotten less than she had asked for, she had gotten a rough good bye fuck in a dirty toilet stall that felt as if her body had been branded. She had almost expected Santana to have thrown dollar bills in her face as she left, as a final degrading gesture.

She closed her eyes in the shower, didn't move, let the hot water run down her back. She wasn't sure how long she had been standing there, it could have been ten minutes, could have been an hour - her mind was just blank. New feelings were starting to flow through her body, replacing the bitter sadness she had felt the past days. This new feeling was... acceptance. Yes, she was finally accepting that she'd have to be alone.

Brittany was thankful to have her daughter and wanted to try to make it work with her. This was all that should still matter to her. No one was going to love her, no one was going to be willing to put up with such a complicated situation and she was tired. She was tired of fighting, tired of hoping for something better and then being disappointed no one thought she was worth the fight, if no one tried looking beyond her job, if no one really cared enough at least to try to understand, then she'd finally give up and stop fooling herself.

She put on her bathrobe and walked into her bedroom, looking forward to a comfortable mattress and dreamless sleep. Turning on the lamp on her nightstand, Brittany's breath caught when she saw she wasn't alone.

The company in her bed looked a whole lot like herself and was staring at her with huge blue eyes and tousled hair, Brittany's blanket wrapped protectively around her small body.

"Hey baby, what are you doing here?" the blonde asked a little concerned, immediately sitting down next to the little girl and dragging her closer. She was wearing the pink nightgown again that they had made together, even though they had bought her brandnew pjs.

"Did you have a bad dream? Does Emma know you left your room?"

Abbey shook her head slowly and then let her head rest against her mother's arm. Brittany felt a rush of happiness warm her body. Her daughter's presence in her bed was the first ray of sunshine in a dark week and she was determined to enjoy the feeling.

"Sooo, I guess you're not sleep, huh?" she asked while glancing over at Winnie the Pooh who was wearing a pink shirt which matched Abbey's nightgown.

"Oh my god, did you make that honey?" Brittany asked cheerfully, grabbing the bear and examining it closely. She then spotted the missing pieces of fabric from the nightgown and had to grin.

"I hope Emma helped you with that, wouldn't want you to use scissors when no one's looking." Abbey nodded again, still smiling with pride.

"Looks absolutely awesome."

Abbey giggled and took the bear out of her mother's hands and hugged it to her chest. Brittany thought it was the cutest thing she had ever seen.

"Do you want me to bring you two back to bed?" the blonde asked softly and saw the smile fade from her daughter's lips. She looked down on Winnie's head, keeping quiet as always.

Brittany could tell her daughter missed her. Even if she weren't ready to speak yet, Abbey still needed her and it felt amazing. Brittany would do any to keep from disappointing her daughter.

"Oooor..." the blonde then started, taking Abbey's chin into her hand softly to make her look at her before playfully pecking her nose. "Or we could just make an exception and get some cocoa. Just you, me and Winnie. We'll have a little pajama party and watch Alice in Wonderland before we fall asleep together. What do you say?"

Brittany watched Abbey's face lighten, happiness shining through her eyes, and realized she needed Abbey as much as her daughter needed her. The small blonde nodded eagerly and jumped on her mother's lap.

"Great. Just give me a minute, I'll have to put on something pink!"

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The next morning Brittany carefully climbed out of the king size bed, making sure not to wake the small blonde next to her who, with her sprawling arms and legs, took up at least half the mattress.

She met Emma in the hallway who was getting ready to leave. The redhead had the day off and was obviously looking forward to spending the night at home, judging by the happy smile on her lips.

"Brittany!" she exclaimed cheerfully, putting on her green coat and closing it with its huge dark green buttons. A matching cotton hat was sitting perfectly on her red and slightly wavy hair. "I bought bagels and some muffins and left them on the counter for you two. Do you have plans for today?"

Brittany did have plans. Last night had taught her that her daughter needed some alone-time with her mother again and she was more than willing to make the day nice for her, it was so rare that she had the day off.

"Oh, yeah, I thought I'd take Abbey out to this indoor playground today, you know? I loved them when I was her age. Maybe we'll still go to the movies later or something, if she's not too tired."

Emma nodded, smiling. "That sounds great, Brit. It's good if you two spend some time together, you have no idea how much Abbey misses you!"

"Did she tell you that?" the blonde suddenly exclaimed, hints of insecurity in her voice. Had Abbey opened up to Emma faster than she opened up to her?

"She didn't have to tell me with words" the nanny reassured her, probably sensing what the other woman was feeling. "But it's easy to see. She even refused to take a bath until I'd give her this rubber duck which I'm sure is yours?"

Brittany nodded with a proud smile. "His name's Mister Duckie. Just so you know for the future."

"Mister Duckie, all right, I guess I can remember that" Emma replied winking, carefully grabbing her bag and straightening her felt coat. "Give Abbey a kiss and a hug from me and enjoy your day okay? I'll be back by tomorrow evening then."

"All right. Take care, Emma" the blonde said friendly. "And thanks for the bagels and muffins". They both smiled before the redhead left the hallway.

Brittany immediately headed to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. It would be a special breakfast for a very special occasion.

She opened a few closets to search for some candles, surprised to see her spices in alphabetical order and her cleaning cloths sorted by size and color. Emma was probably the best nanny she could have hired.

When she finally found what she had been looking for, Brittany made sure to put some whipped cream on the muffins and stuck one small candle into each of the four pastries. She arranged them lovingly on the table, adding her most colorful looking tea cups and plates, along with jars of peanut butter and jam and a package of cream cheese.

Finally hearing small footsteps at the stairs, Brittany quickly lit the candles, anticipating Abbey who came through the door, rubbing her eyes and still looking a little drowsy.

The taller blonde ran over to the small girl and dragged her into an enthusiastic hug, twirling her around.

"A veeeery merry unbirthday" she told her with a huge grin and Abbey stared at her with widened eyes. Brittany knew her daughter loved that particular scene in the movie, especially the part when the mad hatter tried to repair the golden watch with jam and sugar, it always made her laugh hysterically.

A smile spread on the girl's lips when she spotted the table that looked as inviting as Alice's tea party.

"Make a wish!" Brittany suggested, hugging her daughter from behind and softly lifting her so she'd be tall enough to blow out the candles. Abbey hesitated.

"C'mon honey, it's your unbirthday, you know that's a special day, right? You can make a wish and maybe it will come true!"

The girl looked at her and shrugged, apparently having no idea what to wish for.

Brittany smiled at her before coming closer to whisper into the tiny blonde's ear.

"How about you wish for a huge ball pit? Or even better, a huge slide that ends right in a huge ball pit!"

Abbey's eyes widened at that idea and she seemed to consider her mother's idea before finally nodding again.

"Now blow them out, all at once!"

The girl took a very deep breath, puffing and blowing until the four small flames were extinguished.

"Wow, very good, all at once. Now it has to come true" Brittany grinned, ruffling her daughter's hair before handing her one of the chocolate muffins and pouring some cocoa into her tea cup.

"Eat sweetie, you'll need some energy today!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

At first Santana snuggled into her blanket, yawned and dragged it closer to herself. She enjoyed the soft feel of it on her skin and the way her pillow smelled until the memories of the previous night slowly crawled back into her mind. Suddenly the warm bed felt less welcoming, leaving her with an uncomfortable ache in her stomach.

She struggled to remember her encounter with Brittany, trying to figure out how it had all happened and why it had ended so badly. She couldn't tell if she felt better now or worse after their time together.

She felt confused by her need to be with the blonde despite her fury toward Brittany. Even now, she couldn't put her feelings into words.

She knew what had happened between them, what she had initiated, wasn't good, but it left her feeling empty rather than angry, though it all still hurt.

Santana tried to forget the look of sadness and pain on Brittany's face when she had turned away, how vulnerable she seemed.

She dragged the blanket over her head with a sigh. She felt terrible. Why did she feel so fucking bad?

She wondered if she had ended up hurting them both. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that she had been the one who had been lied to, that Brittany had been solely in the wrong, she couldn't justify what she had done.

She knew in the past she had hurt others, left them feeling as if she had never cared, and had been able to walk away completely shed of all feeling, but this time was different. She had wanted to free herself from her desire for the blonde, but in the end all she had gotten was revenge and it felt like nothing like freedom or victory. She felt empty and if she were honest with herself, she knew nothing was finished between them.

Maybe the old Santana would have been satisfied that she had made her point – that she was still Santana Fucking Lopez and it had all been about sex and nothing else. But it wasn't true. She had acted much has she always had, but this time it all felt like a lie and she couldn't rid herself of the guilt for having been so cruel.

A look at her alarm clock told her it was time to get up, time to get through another unsatisfying day of work, so she finally got out of bed and got dressed, letting out an annoyed groan.

It was a cold day, even though it was summer. Santana dressed in one of her typical grey hoodies she used to put on for work, in combination with a red basecap. On the one hand because it was handy for work, comfortable and easier to drive with, on the other hand because no one would recognize her that easily in such an outfit, considering she usually dressed in a very feminine style.

When she finally arrived at work, she looked through the letters and parcels she'd have to deliver, examining the list with the addresses. Her eyes were skimming through the list when a particular name caught her attention and she had to close her eyes for a second in dismay.

'Great' she thought. 'This is just fucking great'. Of course something like this would have to happen at some point, of course one day she'd have to face people she knew, but why today? She really wasn't in the mood to be confronted. Had she not needed the job so desperately, she would have quit on the spot to avoid the embarrassment.

She wondered if she could ask one of her colleagues to take over for her, just this one time, but she figured no one would be willing to do that for her and drive across town because Santana didn't feel like facing another ex. On top of that, not bothering to make friends with her co-workers meant no one would be inclined to do her a favor.

Santana sighed and rolled her eyes at her own pitiful self, deciding she would just do it. It was yet another point on the long list of things she'd get over, so she stuffed all of the letters into her red backpack and climbed on her bike, putting her headphones on and turning up the volume. Maybe some old loud Rihanna songs would distract her on the way.

When she finally arrived at the address she'd been dreading, she suddenly had to realize that she didn't care as much as she had thought. This was just another woman she had dated, just another woman she'd gone through an ugly breakup with. Sure, while the chick was still living a fancy lifestyle she herself was wearing a hoodie and delivering letters on her bike - but she'd be dignified and just ring the bell and smile and get it over with. At least she was hot and had her whole life ahead of her. At least she didn't have to worry about menopause.

Holding the huge envelope in front of herself, the Latina waited for the door to open, trying to keep a strict and professional face. Still, her face fell the second she saw the other woman in the doorway.

The blonde woman greeted her with a smile, then took a closer look at the figure in front of her and started smirking. Santana immediately felt like wiping that smirk off the older woman's face.

"Santana?" she asked grinning, quite dismissively looking up and down the Latina's body. "Oh look at you... what a cute basecap!"

The brunette felt herself grip the envelope harder, her knuckles turning white.

Terri was one of these women who already looked perfect in the morning, as if she had just stepped out of a coffee commercial. One of those commercials where the guy prepares breakfast and wants to wake his wife with fresh and awesome smelling coffee and the woman opens her eyes, wearing flawless makeup and hair that looks salon perfect.

To make it all worse she pretty much looked like a retired Victoria Secret model, dressed in a light purple satin robe which was far too revealing. Her well-formed breasts were clearly visible, a dark red lace bra peeking out.

"Will you sign this please...?" Santana just asked, handing her the envelope and a black clipboard with the form that required the woman's signature.

"Who is it, honey?" she heard a raspy female voice in the background and the Latina just rolled her eyes once more. Of course she'd have company. Of course she'd rub her new girlfriend in her face.

A woman appeared next to Terri in the doorway and wrapped an arm around her waist. She was much older than Santana, probably even older than Terri, and her breath smelled like alcohol. At fucking 9 a.m. in the morning. The Latina made a slightly disgusted face.

"Oh, it's just the delivery girl" the woman said grinning. "The delivery girl who also happens to be an old... friend." She emphasized the last word with a superior grin. "It's Santana, I think I've told you about her. Santana – April. April – Santana" she introduced the two women, her eyes quickly glancing between them.

"Oh is that the little whore who spent all your money?" April wanted to know nonchalantly, talking about Santana as if she weren't standing right in front of them.

"Yes, looks like she finally found a way to earn her own money..." Terri concluded, smiling at her girlfriend with evil sarcasm in her voice. "Poor girl, was no one willing to take you in anymore?"

"She's not getting younger either, at some point fucking for a roof over your head isn't an option anymore..." April commented aloud and Santana tried her best not to slash her with some vicious words of her own. She couldn't get too emotionally involved again. Being emotional at work just led to one thing – being fired.

"Just sign it, I don't have all day..." she repeated angrily, pushing the clipboard against Terri's barely covered chest.

"Sure, sweetheart, me neither, April and I were just getting ready for a nice shopping trip" she explained, signing the form and handing it back to the Latina. "You enjoy your day, Sannie. Though you might consider pedaling a little faster, I heard it's gonna rain pretty heavily today and I guess it must be hard to ride with an umbrella on that cute little bike of yours..."

Santana squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the woman's attitude and not let it get to her.

"I'll get going. Good bye, Terri..." she mumbled, stuffing the chart into her bag again. "Have a great life with the old boozehound."

She jumped back onto her bike without looking back and turned on her music again. Riding along the streets of New York City she realized the women's words didn't really leave her mind.

Whore. Of course. It wasn't the first time she'd been called that. It was a term often used to dismiss women – but it resonated differently this time.

Was there actually some truth to the word in her case? Was fucking for a roof any different than fucking for money? She figured you couldn't compare it like that. Terri and Shelby and all of the others had been women who she had chosen to sleep with, women whom she basically dated.

Still - had she ever wanted more of these women than their money? Had she ever truly cared? Would they have let her stay with them if she hadn't gone down on them every night, whether she wanted to or not, just to make sure she was keeping them happy and entertained, making them dependent on her youth and sexual skills?

Santana suddenly felt sick. Maybe she shouldn't have judged as harshly as she did? Was she just a hypocrite?

In her defense, she had been desperate, she hadn't known what to do with her life, it had all seemed easy and logical... but what had Brittany's motives been? She realized she'd never bothered asking or thinking about it.

Santana felt confused, only a honking horn, preceding the screeching brakes of a car coming to a full stop inches from her bike broke her from her thoughts.

"Watch where you're going girly" an angry looking business man in a suit shouted out of the window of his silver BMW, waving his hands in the air and flipping her off.

Santana didn't bother defending herself anymore.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Spending the day with Abbey had been wonderful and Brittany couldn't make herself get out of the car after pulling into the driveway, reluctant for it to end.

She had loved watching her daughter at the playground, she had loved sharing icecream with her, she had loved the silly 3D movie they had watched together at the cinema. Abbey had looked adorable with the huge glasses so that after the film, Brit had decided to take her daughter to a photo booth. They had taken tons of adorable pictures with 3D glasses, making faces while she bounced the little girl on her lap, making them both laugh.

It was late in the evening and Abbey was sound asleep on the backseat while her mother looked at the pictures once more, carefully running her thumb along the image of the two blondes who seemed to be so happy together. Like a family.

She turned her head around to examine her sleeping daughter and it made her feel calm and satisfied to see her rest so peacefully, her pillow hugged in front of her chest. There was no denying, Abbey was a true joy in her life. She may not have been the best mother up to this point, but that was going to change. Abbey was still young. It wasn't too late.

Brittany got out of the car and opened the door in the back as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake the little girl. She carefully opened her seatbelt and lifted her up, embracing her so that Abbey could let her head rest on her mother's shoulder.

Trying to close the door just as quietly, Brittany fumbled for the keys to her front door, realizing most things were a little more difficult when carrying a small child in your arms. Giving the car door a small push with her hip, she sighed when she accidentaly dropped the bunch of keys and it landed on the grass in her frontyard.

"Wait, let me help."

The familiar voice made her blood freeze and she was just glad she didn't drop her daughter.

She hadn't seen Santana sitting on her doorstep, she'd been too busy enjoying the afterglow of this day with her daughter to notice. Suddenly, the brunette was all she could see.

Brittany noticed Santana wasn't dressed up, her outfit was casual and she barely wore any makeup. She was just standing there, staring right back at her, looking much less angry than the night before, almost a little bit shy.

She wanted to hug the Latina, but she knew that would be a mistake. Stroking Abbey's head, Britany reminded herself that her daughter was the only real thing in her life, the only thing she wanted to do right, the only thing worth fighting for. A child who could love her just as she was, someone to care for who wouldn't judge her. She was all that mattered.

"I want to talk to you..." Santana said, moving toward Brittany. Her brown eyes searched the blonde's for permission.

"I think you already said enough..." Brittany replied in a tight , yet calm voice. She looked Santana in the eye, trying not to let this vulnerable feeling from the previous night crawl back into her bones. She needed to be stronger than that.

"I realized what happened in the bar was a mistake..." Santana just went on, looking at her sincerely.

"What do you mean? The night you met me or the night you decided to use me?"

There was some sadness but also some bitterness in Brittany's voice, yet she tried to talk quietly, not wanting Abbey to wake up. She absent-mindedly started stroking her child's hair, happy to have found something to do with her hands that'd distract herself from the brunette's piercing looks.

"It wasn't like that, Brittany, I -" Santana tried to defend herself, her words barely more than a whisper, but the blonde interrupted her. She herself stepped a little closer to the Latina and looked at her again, speaking slowly to emphasize her point.

"I know what it was like. I do. And it's okay, Santana. It really is."

She took a deep breath while Santana just stared at her as if she didn't understand what exactly was going on.

"I know you couldn't forgive me and I know you felt like you needed to punish me. You punished me by giving me no chance to explain myself to you, punished me by just cutting me out of your life and then punished me by doing what you figured would hurt me most, by showing me that I'm only good for sex and nothing else. And I got the message. Loud and clear."

Her tone wasn't really angry, it wasn't even sad, it was as if Brittany were trying to push down any potentially upcoming emotion. Santana looked stunned and a little helpless.

"I guess we should maybe talk inside and not have that conversation with your daughter in your arms..." she tried to suggest.

"I guess we shouldn't be having that conversation at all" was Brittany's immediate reply, stroking Abbey's back.

"What do you mean?" the confused Latina slowly asked, apparently not sure she really wanted to know the answer.

Brittany let out a deep sigh, breathing out heavily to regain some power. It didn't matter what she wanted in that moment, what she always wanted as soon as she saw the beautiful brunette in front of her. She couldn't go back. She needed not to.

"I mean that we're not good for each other" the blonde explained and Santana's eyes widened at her words.

"I shouldn't have expected you to understand. I know it was a lot to ask of you."

"But you never even asked..."

"You gave me no chance!" Brittany concluded a little louder than intended. "I just think it's better if we don't see each other again. I don't think I can do it."

The sadness was back in her voice, even though she had done such a good job at hiding it until then.

"I have a lot to worry about already, San - and a lot to feel guilty about. I can't spend all my energy on wondering if I'm ruining someone else's life, wondering if you're disgusted by me. I'd rather be on my own."

Admitting these things to Santana felt final and it hurt but it was the truth. She couldn't do this anymore, it was too painful.

"Brit..."

"Don't, Santana" the blonde interrupted the other woman who was beginning to sound desperate.

"If you think about it, if you really think about it and look at the obvious facts, you so know that I'm right."

The two women looked at each other in silence and a small, yet sad smile was forming on Brittany's lips, her eyes blinking away the tears that were so close to falling again. She stepped a little closer and let one hand rest on the Latina's arm. She thought she could see Santana's eyes fall close at the small contact but she chose to look away.

"It was really nice knowing you, Santana. It really was" she told the other woman sincerely.

"I had an amazing time with you before reality let us hit the ground and I am sure in another life you and I could work perfectly... but not in this one."

She tried to smile once more, enjoying the feel of Santana's skin on her palm for a few last moments.

"I'm sorry it had to turn out this way." She swallowed hard, the lump in her throat unbearably thick.

"Take good care of yourself, okay?" she added in a whisper and Santana still couldn't do more than stare at her, speechless.

Abbey was slowly waking up, raising her head from Brittany's shoulders and looking around confused. As she was letting out a full-hearted yawn, her mother affectionately stroked the small girl's cheek, kissing her forehead.

"Shhh honey, go back to sleep, okay? We're home now. I'll put you to bed."

"I'm sorry" was all Santana managed to say, looking almost like a little child herself.

Brittany just nodded.

"Me too."

xxxx

Watching the blonde step into her house, many things suddenly seemed so much clearer to Santana. Seeing this beautiful woman standing there with her child, being so tender with her, so caring, so normal, she realized she had never bothered looking behind all of it, never bothered wondering what might have driven someone as gorgeous as Brittany into such a job.

She hadn't wondered what it must be like for her to do this, how broken she probably felt inside, how alone she had most likely been in those past years. All she had felt was her own anger for being betrayed and it had blinded her.

Even in the darkness of the night, Santana had finally seen the light.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TBC

Comments are as always appreciated! Also thanks again to the many nice anonymous reviewers!