Early Thursday afternoon. Rose was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling - or rather, staring at the beautiful set of stars that the Doctor had made for her one night. They weren't really stars, of course, they were tiny little pale blue lights that lit up the whole ceiling, but they really resembled stars so closely that she felt no need to call them lamps. Much like stars, they differed in shapes and sizes, and sometimes she'd even see a shooting star find its way across the ceiling... Her own starry sky.
They were magical.
And to top it all off, they were a present from him.
She groans and rolls over to burrow her face in the pillow, trying to chase away the stubborn thoughts, all the while knowing that she won't succeed. How could she? He was all she ever thought about. The Doctor. A Time Lord, her best friend, and apparently, also the man that was willing to give up the whole life they've had for the past year and a half for the sake of Madame de Pompadour.
How in the world did this all happen? She's got no idea. None whatsoever. What was it, like two weeks ago? Yeah, around two weeks ago everything was perfect, really. She'd catch him looking at her, and he'd catch her looking at him, but not quite as often. He was playful and happy and she felt safe in his arms when they'd share their victorious embraces after saving this or that planet or nation or city or even a stray kitten. They've done a ton of amazing things, but that didn't matter. Really. What mattered to Rose was that they were together... That she could be with the Doctor every single day. There couldn't be a better way to live than to spend every waking moment with her Doctor; they only parted when she'd gone to bed, after all.
She'd much rather sleep next to him, but she never said. Course not. Friends, you know.
And then he... He got so... Distant? Not all at once, but yeah, it happened fast enough for it to feel... Sudden.
At first she thought she was just imagining things. She did pay him a great deal of attention, so she may have been paranoid, but no. No, he was different. He hasn't been holding her hand so much and he always rambled and rambled and rambled which was rather adorable, but this time it was a shield, not just the way he was, y'know. He was avoiding things, or so it felt, avoiding any kind of closeness. Which was weird, because a certain amount of closeness had already become routine for them. It's just what they did. They'd hug, and play-fight, and hold hands. It's what they are. Rose and the Doctor, best friends.
And then, then there was the whole thing with Sarah Jane. Boy, did that put things into perspective!
She burrows her face farther in upon remembering how badly she had treated Sarah Jane when she's just met her. Then again, it wasn't a proud moment for the Doctor's older companion, either. They've both behaved like jealous school girls, and that was stupid, really, 'cause they didn't have to. It seems that he wasn't interested in that way, so...
But she's grown to like and respect Sarah Jane, and the conversation she's had with the Doctor that day... Let's just say it left her feeling even more confused.
Basically, he was scared. Of what? Losing her? Of course she'd die one day. Didn't mean she wouldn't spend her whole life with him, if he'd just let her. Seriously, she'd run to hell and back again for him if he'd want that, and that wasn't anything to be proud of, yet she treated it as a fact. She needed him in her life, no matter the cost.
Yeah, Rose. NOT helping. He obviously doesn't want that, or anything to do with her really, because he's got his sights set much, much higher than that.
How stupid was she, really? Thinking he could ever look at her that way?
Imagine that happening to someone that you...
What, Doctor?
He never answered the question, and for a good reason, too, she'd guess. He wasn't going to say that he cares about her. Or he might have done, who knows, it'd still be in a strictly friendly kind of way.
And Rose was frankly gettin' kinda sick and tired of friendly, but that was all she'd ever get, wasn't it? She was doomed to nothing more than friendship. Admiring him from afar and never coming any closer than that.
She was pathetic. Pathetic! He isn't even human. But she doesn't really care anymore, does she? Not really, no. He regenerated and that messed with her head, but he was still her Doctor...
Every single day, her Doctor more and more. Time Lord, human, what did that matter? He was the Doctor and she was Rose, and together, they made a good team.
Yeah, right, a good team. She knew now that this particular Time Lord would never think twice when given the choice between a shop girl from a council estate in 21st century London and an accomplished, elegant, beautiful French woman. Apparently.
Ugh.
And she was even foolish enough to think that he may have liked her! In some small way. Not the way she felt, course not. She's not conceited, but y'know... She thought he could fancy her a little bit, the way he looked at her sometimes.
Well Rose, time for a reality check. He doesn't fancy her. Not one bit.
There's a knock on the door; she doesn't answer.
Right, she forgot the most important detail. He invited her very own ex-boyfriend Mickey to join them on their adventures. Think that's a pretty clear sign, a sign saying Rose, I'm not interested, alright? Not that she didn't like Mickey being there, they're still friends. He never quite forgave her, though, and she couldn't blame him. They were always more friends than anything else, but it takes time to get over someone.
Would she ever get over the Doctor?
Knock, knock.
Why can't they leave her alone? Both of them. And especially the Doctor. Not that it could be him knocking, he was still in mourning after Reinette, or so it seemed, and Rose was feeling torn. Her natural reaction was to go there and comfort him; she'd do anything him, try anything, anything at all, but... She could tell that he wanted to be alone last night, after the loss of Reinette, and she...
She's also had her own heart to tend to. It hurt.
How could he fall in love with a woman he's known for an hour, when she had been right there before him for a year and a half, secretly in love with him for the majority of that time?
"Rose? Are you sleeping or something? Blimey, it took me ages to even find your room. I'm telling you, this ship is massive!"
Isn't that what she just said? Not the Doctor.
It'll be nice with a little company, though, and Mickey's a good friend. She sighs heavily and sits up on the bed. Wouldn't want to give him any ideas.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm up. Come on in."
"What're you sittin' in the darkness for?" he says and turns on the top light, illuminating her room. It's kinda blinding after all these hours spent staring at her stars. "And how come you're sitting here at all?"
He sat down next to her. She schooled her features to offer him a small smile. Best she could do at the time.
"Oh, I don't know... I just felt tired after the whole France thing. Clockwork people and so on..."
He looks at her and she immediately knows that he doesn't believe her. Sigh.
"Yeah, right, clockwork people and French courtesans, right? Come on, Rose, I've known you my whole life. Spill it."
"Well, it's just... He seems heartbroken," she surrenders with a sigh. Might as well talk to Mickey, God knows she needs someone to talk to right now.
"And?"
"What d'you mean, and?"
"I mean, how do you feel about that?"
She can't help but giggle.
"What, did you go and become a shrink while I was away?"
He laughs with her and it puts her at ease, but in the back of her mind, the thought of the Doctor remains. Of course it remains. And her heart is aching for him, knowing that he is in pain, and that she should try and comfort him no matter how hurt she had felt, but she still needs a little time to come to terms with it. It's quite a lot to come to terms with, to be fair. He fell in love with a French courtesan within an hour. That's got to be some sort of a record, right?
And apparently he never looked at her twice, no matter what she had deluded herself into thinking.
"Really though. Tell me," Mickey prompts.
"It's nothing," she dismisses.
"Rose. Tell me."
"Well, I... I just can't believe he's fallen for this woman within like what, an hour? And he just as good as ditched us on this space ship with no way to go back home just to save her life. I mean, I'm not saying he shouldn't have saved her, 'course he should have, but-"
"...but you hate that he left us for it, yeah?"
"Exactly! I mean, we could've gone with him, or something. Anything. But he was, I don't know, blinded or something... And all the while I've..."
She trails off because she can't really go on. What's she going to say? Mickey is her ex, he's hardly the ideal person to hear all about how madly in love with the Doctor she's been for the past year or so.
"How do you know he fancied her, though?"
"Mickey, are you seriously asking me that? Have you even looked at him once since he came back to the TARDIS?"
"Rose, I'm serious. I mean, I know he's upset, but you won't know why until you talk to him, you know."
She sighs. Mickey just doesn't get it, but that's not very surprising; this can't be a pleasant thing for him to think about, this whole thing with her and the Doctor. She squeezes his hand and smiles at him earnestly, feeling a little bit better, and finding some wisdom in her ex-boyfriend's words. She did have to start talking to the Doctor again, and now was as good a time as ever. Can't sit around in her bedroom all day, can she? She's not a teenager anymore. She'll be 21 soon, and she should act like it, right?
Even if it hurts.
Because she wants to be the one he would notice. Not Madame de Pompadour, but yeah, clearly that's just not happening.
"Yeah, I know. Where's he? Let's go check, yeah?" with that, she stood and led Mickey towards the console room.
It's time to face the music.
~oOo~
They find the Doctor laying underneath the consoles, tinkering with his ship just as he always does. He doesn't acknowledge their entrance, and neither of them knows what to say, so they stand awkwardly for a moment, looking at one another. For Rose, this was home, more so than London, more so than her very own room in their old block on the Powell Estate, but right now, she feels so... Out of place. Like she no longer belongs here, with him and his broken heart. Like he should be with Reinette.
What's she supposed to say? Might as well ask about the TARDIS; that's always a safe subject, and she knows that he enjoys speaking about his ship.
"Doctor? Is everything alright with the TARDIS?"
A small noise of OW! comes from underneath the console preceded by a tiny bang. He must've hit his head... Her daft alien. She can't help but smile a little as she awaits his response, watching him crawl out, stand up and rub his head distractedly as their eyes meet for a brief second - just a brief second before he looks away.
Right. He can't bear to even see her, that's her best guess... But before he looked away she saw so much emotion in those chocolate eyes of his; an emotion so strong it was nearly pulling her down to the ground with its unexpected intensity. She wants to know what he's thinking about, but she doesn't know how to ask, especially not with Mickey around. It'll have to wait.
The Doctor stops rubbing his head and instead tugs on his ear awkwardly, but smiles at them all the same, although still avoiding eye contact.
"Blimey, I haven't even noticed you two coming in! Rose Tyler, where have you been, eh? You sure like to sleep long, but I haven't seen you all day! Weeell, I've seen you for tea in the morning. But, other than that. Anyway, no, the TARDIS is alright, but we need to recharge. Closing the time windows was a little... Taxing, you see, so we're not going anywhere today. Is that okay?"
He finally looks at her and she feels so stupid because her heart is just, you know, beating out a samba, sort of, just because he stopped avoiding eye contact and looked at her with a casual, curious expression; he's even managed a small smile. But she knows him well by now. She can see the inner turmoil hidden behind that gorgeous smile of his, and she is aching for him.
He was heartbroken. Just a wild guess. That, in turn, puts her in a similar position. But he's the important one here. She'll manage, somehow.
Deep breath, Rose. Talk to him. He's your friend, French courtesans or not.
"No, that's fine, 'course it is," she manages to say, and she hopes that her voice sounds as friendly and indifferent as she would wish for it to be. "Me, well, I've just been resting, y'know, sitting in my room for a little while. Mickey came to pick me up."
He was avoiding eye contact before, but now he doesn't tear his eyes away from her and his expression grows serious, even concerned. How she wishes that those two deep pools of liquid chocolate would hold answers to all her questions... No, wait, not like that. How she wishes that he'd share those answers with her. That he'd open up to her a little.
Look at her like he'd look at a woman, not just a friend.
"Resting? Are you alright?"
The tone of his voice... It's... Tender. Yeah, tender somehow, and he doesn't even ramble, it's just a straight-to-the-point question. She's heard this voice before. It's not the way he'd normally speak to her when there are people around. She steals a glance at Mickey, but he doesn't seem phased by this, so she'll respond.
"I'm fine, yeah."
Can he see the questions in her eyes? Seeing him like this, so vulnerable behind that thin veil of indifference, it just... Breaks her, really. She wants to hug him, tell him that it's alright. That she'll learn to understand it, one day, and until then she will try her very best to comfort him, to be supportive, to be somebody he could find useful. That she forgives him for ditching her and Mickey like they meant nothing, 'cause to be honest, she'd likely do the same for him, if it meant his life or death.
But she doesn't say a word, and neither does he. It's Mickey that breaks the silence.
"I'm really hungry. Is there anything to eat on this thing? Where's the kitchen?"
The Doctor appears thrown off-balance for a split second but then he turns to Mickey and responds; all the vulnerability is long gone now, hidden behind the shield that he never really lets down.
"Right, food. You humans, all you ever do is eat and sleep! How do you ever get anything done, eh, Mickey Smith? Or wait, was it Ricky?"
"It's Mickey," her friend grumbles and the Doctor smiles at him earnestly.
"Well, come on then, Mickey. You want to find the kitchen, we'll go and find the kitchen. You see, the TARDIS rearranges rooms sometimes, it's, errr... Weeell, it's quite convenient. Sometimes. And if she feels playful, it's not very convenient, but-"
"There it is," Rose intercepts him, finding the kitchen on her first go. The TARDIS was always sweet towards her.
"My TARDIS has taken a particular fancy to Rose," he explains to Mickey as if she wasn't present, and her heart skips a single, lonely beat.
"Oh yeah?" Mickey says without interest, already browsing the content of the fridge in search of dinner, "My god, what's up with all the bananas?"
"They're, um, the Doctor's favorite thing. Isn't that right? What's that you always say?"
He turns to look at her again and his eyes gaze at her with that same intensity for a split second. Moments later he grins, and it's all gone.
"Always bring a banana to a party. Bananas are good!"
Right. She'd better just go and help Mickey with dinner. It's not like she'll get to really talk to the Doctor now.
So, they spend the next twenty or so minutes preparing food, and then all three of them sit down to eat, although the Doctor doesn't seem very hungry; he picks at his food with a fork but doesn't really eat any of it. Instead, he is talking to Mickey, who keeps asking him all sorts of questions and going all What, you're actually serious? at everything. She smiles and remains quiet for the most part, busy observing the two men in her life, and for the first time since Mickey joined them, she feels genuinely happy about it. How could she selfishly deny him the pleasure of seeing all these amazing, completely mental and brilliant things? He obviously loved it, although a huge part of all that small talk must be intended to make it easier for her, too. Get him talking, make things normal.
She'll thank Mickey later.
The Doctor, though, that's another thing. He acts just as he usually does around Mickey, but the way he takes a while to respond now and then, the way he makes an effort not to look at her, the fact that he doesn't even eat, it... It shows her that he's not okay. No matter what he's trying to play off as being totally, completely fine, Rose's not buying it. Not at all.
Although... Isn't she doing much of the same thing? She responds when Mickey talks to her (the Doctor hasn't said a word to her throughout the whole dinner), laughs with him and teases him just like always, even though deep down inside, she's not okay. Not at all. How could she, when the man who had showed her the most amazing things in the universe, the man that completely changed her life, the man that she just could not imagine living without, loved somebody else?
She'd really fooled herself into thinking he could perhaps fancy her, too. It was stupid and masochistic and conceited. She's just a former shop girl, now unemployed, from a council estate, without her A levels, who has accomplished next to nothing in her life prior to meeting him. He, on the other hand, he's a Time Lord, an amazing alien with a time traveling spaceship and the most gorgeous eyes in the whole universe.
That pretty much sums it up, yeah. Out of your league, Rose. You should have known. But they were so close, they did everything together, it was almost as if they were completely inseparable. Not almost, really, it was exactly like that. Inseparable.
And just like that, she grows bitter again. Concerned for him, worried about him, wishing he could be happy, but also bitter. Bitter because he'd just throw it all away, just like that, for the sake of a woman he's known for what, an hour? An hour. When she, Rose, would never, ever leave him behind. Not for anything.
Her shoulders heave with a deep sigh and both the men at the table look at her with concern, but neither comments on it. They finish their food and toss the plates in the sink.
"So does this thing pick up any TV? It does, doesn't it? There's a football match that I've really got to see, is that alright?" Mickey asks and looks at Rose briefly. He's giving her a chance to talk to the Doctor. Alone.
Good old Mickey...
"You and your football," she giggles and takes his hand, "Come on, then. I'll show you the cinema room. It's like an actual cinema, y'know, the screen is enormous."
She goes to lead him to said room, but not before she gives the Doctor one final look as he watches them leave.
She mouths one single word. Stay.
He nods and they leave the kitchen.
She shows Mickey how to work the gigantic telly, shows him where to get the popcorn and soda, and then gives him a long, friendly hug. His embrace is soothing; it's good to know that she's not alone. Despite their history and all the moments that she wasn't really proud of, Mickey never shunned her, and keeping that in mind was comforting.
"Thank you," she mutters when they break their embrace, "I mean, this can't be easy for you, so-"
"Rose. I'm over it, alright? And I care about you. As a lifelong friend. And I promise you, if this fool hurts you, I'm seriously going to break his neck, couldn't care less if he's an alien!"
She stifles a laugh.
"Don't worry. I'll see you later, yeah?"
"Yeah."
She leaves the cinema room and she cannot say what emotion wins over when she finds the Doctor in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, waiting for her with a serious expression that she cannot seem to read.
Bitterness? A feeling of rejection? Compassion?
Think it's a fair mix of all three. Yeah.
She swallows down the lump in her throat and stops a few steps away from him.
Ready or not.
~oOo~
Silence envelops them for a few heavy seconds before one of them speaks.
"So, you're not watching the match? It's a good match, Rose-weeell, that is, if one likes that sort of thing, which I don't suppose you do, but-"
"No. You see, I..." come on, Rose. Just say it. "I wanted to check if... If you're okay," the last words come out as barely audible, but she knows he heard her when his expression softens for a brief moment.
"If I'm okay? Why wouldn't I be okay? Although, it was a little boring, what with you sleeping the whole day and so on, but I'm perfectly fine otherwise! Yep, fine as can be, Rose."
"Doctor."
That's all she has to say, really. He knows what she means, he chooses to ignore it, but she's not having any of it. He owes her that much.
He sighs with comprehension.
"You mean... You mean Reinette, don't you?"
"Yes. I mean Reinette. Are you okay? I mean... You look so..."
"So what?"
Moment of silence. He looks bewildered, and she really does not have enough courage for this, but she knows that she has to, or she will never know peace again. She needs to know how he felt about that woman, if only for her own peace of mind.
And she wants him to be happy, even if it means sacrificing her own happiness for his sake. She cannot stand the hidden hurt in his eyes because she knows that expression all too well. When he speaks of Gallifrey, he always looks like this, so... So tormented and consumed with guilt that she cannot even put it into words.
"You look heartbroken."
Her words echo through the kitchen as both of them look at the other with the intensity of a hundred unanswered questions that would never be asked.
"Heartbroken?" he finally chokes out, "Do you mean... No, you couldn't.. Do you mean you think that I..."
"You... You fell in love with her. Didn't you?"
Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.
Her heart is racing and she can barely breathe.
Please say no.
He frowns deeply, clearly uncomfortable with the whole subject, clearly unwilling to talk about it, or-
"Rose, that's... That's-that's just-"
"It's okay. You don't have to explain," she hastily surrenders. She already knows the answer, so what does it really matter?
"No, no, I do have to explain," he walks over to her; they are now mere inches away, but she doesn't even flinch at the closeness, although she refuses to look him in the eyes. "I have to explain because you are wrong. So very, very wrong."
Well, that caught her attention. She looks up to meet his eyes and her breath catches at the amount of emotion contained within them.
"You see, I'm... I feel guilty about her death, because she- well, she waited her whole life for that trip to the stars that never happened, she waited for me, and she died waiting, and it's just... It's such a waste, Rose. A waste of life, a short life, much too short for so wonderful a woman, and I-I'm guilty of it, Rose, of her wasting her life waiting for me. I saved her and I condemned her, all in one swing, and it's unpardonable, because she didn't deserve it, she shouldn't have waited, because I-"
"Because you're a Time Lord."
"Well, yes, that's one of the reasons, I'm a Time Lord, and she was human, and humans-"
"We wither and we die. Yeah, I know."
He denied being in love with her, but his speech, the tone of his voice, borderline desperate... All of this says something entirely different.
And it's painful, but she cannot cry. No, she can't cry. Not here. Not in front of him.
He frowns deeply at her words.
"Yes. But that's not the only reason. She shouldn't have waited because-"
"Because what?"
"There's nothing to wait for."
What does that even mean?
"I mean that I..." he clarifies without her asking, "I wasn't... Weeell... Involved with her like that. Far from it, Rose."
Her pathetic, silly heart skips another beat at that, because this time, she clearly senses the honesty in his words.
Could it be that he wasn't lying?
That didn't mean she'd ever have a chance. No, if anything, this whole story with Reinette reminded her how easily fooled she had been, and she'd never let that happen again.
But she can't stop the next words from coming out of her mouth. It needs to be said.
"So you'd just ditch me and Mickey for the sake of a woman you didn't even care about, is that how it is? You almost got stuck there, Doctor! And we waited... I waited..." she trails off, breaking their eye contact because she's feeling tears building up in her eyes and fighting them as best as she can. She can't show him how she feels about him.
No, he'd never know.
"I didn't ditch you! I knew I'd find my way back one way or another, or you would find a way back to me! There wasn't much time, Rose, and the life of many people was at stake!"
"What if you never found your way back, Doctor? What then? What would Mickey and I do? I can't control the TARDIS anymore, you know this!"
She feels angry. How could he be so careless as to leave them stranded in the 51st century? Their eyes meet again and this time, she won't back down.
"Rose, if I didn't know that I would get back to you one way or another, I wouldn't have gone."
"Well, I didn't know that you'd come back. I had no idea what happened to you! All I knew was that you ran off to save your beautiful, elegant, accomplished, smart and all that Madame de Pompadour, and we were just left here to die!"
Silence falls again for a brief moment, before she starts talking again. Now that she started, she can't really stop - it feels awful, really, yelling at him, but it also felt awful to be left there, forgotten, and to know she's got no chance of ever being with him like that, it was just... Too much. Yeah.
"I mean, I know she's got everything you could want in a woman, right, she was amazing, a million times better than me, I can't deny that, but you can't just do that, y'know? You can't just leave me and Mickey and run off, 'cause what're we gonna do without you, Doctor? I'm just-"
Instead of saying anything, he pulls her into his arms as she starts sobbing uncontrollably and he holds her tight, his chin resting on her head, tracing comforting circles across her back as he held her.
She doesn't even know what to think anymore, only that she never wants him to let go.
"I was scared, Doctor, I thought I'd lost you, that I'd never see you again, and-"
"I'd never leave you stranded, Rose. I'd never leave you intentionally. I'm sure you know that. We're friends, right? You've saved me in more ways than I can say, and I-well, I-I swore I'd keep you safe, and I will. I'm sorry," he whispers and she is crying too hard to respond, so he holds her still and doesn't let go.
He wasn't in love with Reinette.
And he wasn't in love with her, either. She wasn't stupid. He even called her a friend just now. AGAIN.
But as she slowly calms down, she realizes that she'll just have to take what she can get. If friendship is all that he has to offer then she'll stick to that, because she loves him too much to let go of him, even if it was for her own good.
So she cries in his arms until there are no more tears to be shed, crying tears of what she believes to be unrequited love, and tears of relief because she was there, with him.
With her Doctor, in the TARDIS, as it should be. Nothing else really matters in the end.
~oOo~
They haven't left each other's side for the rest of the day.
At the end of the day, Rose was in bed once again, staring at her stars.
She had no idea where it would all end up, although she swore to herself that she wouldn't get her hopes up for anything more than friendship, never again.
But...
She no longer doubted her Doctor. And if she could have forever with him, she'd be content with the role of a friend, if that was the best she could get.
It's not like she's ever really had a choice. This man had become the center of her very own universe, and she...
...Yeah, she did hope. At least hope that he will see it one day. See it in her eyes, hear it in her voice, feel it in the quickened beat of her heart.
Until then, she will bask in his presence.
And fall even deeper.
Every single day, falling deeper still.
A/N: I know you probably hate me for this chapter, and frankly, I hate myself too. Like many other Doctor/Rose fans I absolutely despise Girl in the Fireplace, but this was still enjoyable to write somehow, my own little explanation for the Doctor's OOC behavior in that episode.
Things will start picking up pace now! Please let me know if you enjoyed Rose's PoV, and if you hate me, you can let me know too :D Also, would you like a quick Doctor's PoV describing the events of this chapter (or rather how he felt about it), or should I just get on with the story?
As always, thank you for reading, till next time, friends!