Anger "Management"

Today Master actually gave me a compliment! I could hardly believe it! I was in my hand-to-hand class, and my instructor was being a pain in the rear. (As usual). Anyway, I got fed up with his insults, and though I pride myself on my usual level of self-control, today was my breaking point.

My instructor insulted me more so than normal today, I guess he was in a foul mood. He probably didn't get lucky at his normal after-hours hideout. Too bad for him.

I digress: he pushed me past my limits, and when he kept telling me I was doing things wrong (I knew he was lying) and insulting me, I decided to show him how well I could do things "wrong".

I think I scared him because I allowed my anger to fuel me, and I discovered that I was a little more agile with the emotion feeding me strength. Needless to say, he's going to be spending an inordinate amount of time in the medcenter.

My master was initially furious that I put the man in the hospital, but then he realized that I acted in anger, and he told me I did very well. He encouraged me to use such emotion when I felt I needed a boost of strength.

And I will admit, it felt good to finally give the fool his dues, but at the same time I…

Luke blinked as Mara's handwriting abruptly stopped halfway down the page.

Mara had yet to cut herself off like this during one of her entries. Luke couldn't help but wonder if this were some small part of the innocent girl left in the ever-hardening woman.

He had always known she was a good person at heart. Even when they'd first met, he had sensed it, though she constantly denied any such thing to his face. He smiled warmly as he recalled how that smaller, lighter part of Mara Jade had slowly but surely blossomed from a bud into the most radiant of flowers.

Oh, how he missed her! He missed running his fingers through her silky red-gold locks, and touching her sweet and full lips with his own. He missed looking into her intelligent, jewel-like eyes, and seeing her wry and sometimes irreverent sense of humor reflected there.

His arms ached every night to hold his beloved Mara one more time, if even for just a second in time. And he missed her boundless love.

Luke sighed, and then frowned before flipping the page and finding the second part on the next page.

I… don't really know where that last sentence came from yesterday. I spent several hours meditating and walking the gardens in the Imperial Palace. I had to clear my mind of any thoughts that Master wouldn't approve of.

Because when Palpatine disapproves of something he is not subtle about it at all. Nor is he above 'corrective procedures'. I've experienced his wrath enough times, and I don't look forward to willingly bringing on the rain.

I must be a good servant to my master, and he will find favor in me, and he will reward me. I cannot be distracted by divided loyalties, and I refuse to fail my master. The day I fail at an assignment is the day my life ends.

~M.J

Luke grimaced. The day she had failed had been the day he had rescued Han from Jabba the Hutt. And while he was grateful to have been able to live a long and altogether happy life, he was sorry he had been the beginning of her downfall.

Mara had had it all, at least in her eyes. And for him to basically waltz in and take that away had to have smarted.

No wonder she had hated him for so long.

Luke knew that her false understanding of the events of the second Death Star had been a major factor in her emotional state. But he was no fool to think that his hand in destroying her "good life" hadn't also played a large role.

But then again, Luke knew, his role in destroying her falsely secure life had eventually led to their wonderful marriage… and years of love and bliss.

And Ben.

Ben was the best thing to come from their life together, and he would not trade his son for all the wealth and power in the galaxy.

"Speaking of Ben." Luke mumbled as he stretched in his chair. "He's due for dinner soon."

Luke marked the page in the diary, and left it on his desk to make their meal.