It was official - staring at a plain, white wall drove you to madness. Don't believe me? Try doing it yourself, just thinking about the huge problems of your life: of the blonde supermodel fiance of your sister who you were hopelessly crushing on in the room right next to you; of your piercing headache and piercing memories that came along with it; of your stupid, stupid choices you'd been making the past couple of goddamn weeks; of your…
God, my life was driving me to madness more than anything. Everything was just so frustratingly crazy and out of my control. I hated that more than anything - being completely powerless to my feelings and the deep shit they put me in. Groaning, I fell back against my bed, the headboard creaking under my weight as I let out a loud sigh. Ugh, let the hours be quick so I can head over to Pandemonium and see Sebastian again. An unexpected thrill awoke in my heart at the idea of seeing that sexy smile behind that counter, the rich smell of alcohol wafting through the air that made me feel so alive.
Slowly rotting away in my bedroom couldn't really compare to that feeling I was yearning for now and it made me frustrated and really pissed. "You know what? Fuck resting!" I sprang up from the bed and trudged out of my room, into the lounge preparing to watch tv.
Jace cleared his throat loudly as I collapsed into the armchair next to his, snatching the remote from the table, "Finding a new passion in dramatics, are we?"
I rolled my eyes, searching through channels for something I felt like watching. A small burst of pride erupted in my chest at how normal I was acting around Jace. His nearness still caused my heart to skip a beat but I was keeping it all under the surface, carefully composed. It made me cringe at how obvious I'd been before, turning into a stuttering tomato every time he spoke. It was one sexy British accent though… I'm only human! "I'm aloud to be dramatic. Locked up in this flat is driving me insane!"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him raise his eyebrows but give no comment. It annoyed me for some reason, so I spoke again to keep the silence at bay, "There's nothing decent on at midday. Just crappy filler shows like…" I frowned, reading the title with amusement, "'A Day in the Life of Walter Scott: Surgery.' Gee, that sounds enlightening."
Nothing. Not even a chuckle which part of me had been hoping for. I looked over to see Jace staring off into space, the faraway look in his eyes something I could relate to immensely. I was a daydreamer, getting easily lost in thought at the drop of a hat. Jace looked pained though, a few frown lines creasing his forehead, his lips pulled into a thin line of concentration.
"Er - you alright Blondie?" When he didn't answer, I prompted, "Jace?" He straightened up instantly, golden eyes becoming brighter with focus; the frown lines slowly receded.
"Yeah?" He said quickly. I cocked my head to the side as I looked at him, concerned.
"Everything okay? You were looking a bit-"
Before I could say anything else, the front door opened with a bang and Val's shouts of profanity could be heard, "Absolute dickhead! I swear to god, if I ever see him again…" Jace and I gave each other alarmed looks, both of us wondering just which dickhead my sister had run into at the humble pharmacy. Knowing Val, it was probably some poor guy wearing stripes. Val hates stripes, especially blue ones. God help the sorry soul if he decided to wear his favorite blue and white stripy jumper in Val's presence.
She came barreling into the living room, dropping the carrier bags carelessly on the floor at her feet. Her usually straight brown hair was wild and messy, not quite dropping to my standard but not reaching hers either. It looked like Val had rushed home, desperate to get back as soon as possible for some reason. There was even a stray leaf caught in her gold chain necklace. Her panicked eyes landed on me and stayed there, a thousand emotions flashing in their sky blue depths. I grew uncomfortable as she continued to stare, not even sparing Jace a glance who sat there, looking at his future wife with confusion and concern.
For the second time in three minutes, I asked the same question, "Everything ok, Val?" At my words, she seemed to unfreeze, raking a hand through her hair as she paced.
"No, no everything's not ok! I can't believe you would stoop that low, Clary!" I tensed, dread rising in my throat. Did she… Did she somehow know that Jace and I had nearly kissed at our parents' house? I dared not look over to him, in case I made my betrayal more obvious. Oh god…
"Val, I-" She interrupted me, her tone firm.
"Well it wasn't your fault, was it? You couldn't have possibly known who he was and he apparently didn't know who you were either. That scumbag, snaking his way through my family and stirring shit! I fucking hate him!" My eyes widened: she shouldn't be talking about Jace like that. I had to explain that it was my fault, I was fully to blame for pining after a guy who was already taken. I was stirring shit, Val should hate me…
I opened my mouth but closed it abruptly, realization dawning. You couldn't have possibly known who he was and he apparently didn't know who you were either. Jace and I knew who each other were, Val had introduced us after all. So who was she talking about…?
"Val, I don't understand-"
"The guy, Clary!" It appeared she wasn't going to let me take part in this conversation. "The fucking, dirty bastard of a guy at the bar in Pandemonium!" Sebastian. She was upset over me and Sebastian. I stared at her, seeing the anguish and hatred in her eyes that inflamed at the mention of him. Indignation flared in my chest at the names she was calling him, spitting them out like they were venom, like she was disgusted to even be talking about him. What right did Val have to talk about someone like that who she didn't even care to know?
"You can stop slagging him off right now!" I got up from the chair to glare at her, though it didn't help my intimidation factor what with her being much taller than I was. "Sebastian is an alright guy and hating him just for the fact that we made out and you don't like the idea of me having a relationship of my own isn't good enough!"
My sister laughed harshly, and it caused an uncomfortable twist to my stomach, "Relationship? Clary, guys like him don't stick around for tedious things like relationships! When they've got what they wanted, they break your heart by leaving you for some other wanting girl, leaving you alone to pick up the pieces." Her words hit me like a slap, and I flinched as if she'd actually struck me.
Jace looked between us uncertainly, swallowing, "Girls, maybe you both can talk about this later after we've all calmed down and relaxed a bit-"
"No, not later. I'm settling this straight right now." Val took a step towards me, "You're not seeing him again, I'll tell you that Clarissa. Even if I have to keep you under house arrest and get mum and dad involved." The sound of my full first name sent a shiver down my spine coming from Val's mouth. She'd always called me Clary or Clare Bear or Red - cute nicknames used affectionately and to sometimes annoy me. Never Clarissa.
Angry tears welled in my eyes, "No! You can't just make decisions for me because you think it's what's best for me! I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself and I will!"
Val's own eyes grew cloudy as she bit her lip, placing a hand gently on my shoulder. I shrugged it off abruptly and her features twisted with hurt. At that moment, I didn't care. "I know you are, Clary, I trust you to be." Her voice was softer, kinder as she were talking to a child; maybe that's all she saw me as. A stupid, pathetic, immature child. "But you don't get it. Sebastian is-"
"Since when do you get to judge what kind of person Sebastian is? You don't even know him!" She smiled at me sadly, and I paused, unsure.
"God I wish that were true. Imagining I never knew that asshole," seeing I was getting pissed, she quickly changed tact, "Anyway, I do know Sebastian, on a very high level actually. Once upon a time, we were together." I should've known. Val had practically dated every guy up the street. And it would also explain why he'd looked so familiar to me - just another one of Val's failed relationships. I remembered feeling so proud and ecstatic as the bartender and I had kissed, finally thinking I was on "Val's league". Of course, I was nowhere near. I would always be her younger, worthless sister Clary, forever doomed to living with Val's hand-me-downs and never finding something truly mine.
My older sister continued, unbeknownst to the sadness slowly spreading through my body, the measure of my self-esteem dwindling to nothing. I felt like I was drowning in the sorrow, the self-pity and loathing. "We only planned for a one night stand but decided to try something a bit longer and more permanent. It didn't work out of course, after I found out he was a cheating manwhore, who seriously needed his pride shoved up his ass."
Jace snorted, and I jumped in surprise. In all the drama, I'd forgotten he was there. Val smirked, giving her fiancé a tender look before meeting my tear-dried gaze, "Clary, I'm not trying to be unfair with you, I'm really not. In fact, half the time I try to do things right and end up making shit worse than it was to begin with!"
When I laughed, a relieved smile broke out across her lovely face, a new light blazing in her eyes, "What I'm trying to say is, I don't want to see you get hurt like I did. I never want to see you like that." Her voice wobbled towards the end and a single tear slid down her cheek.
"Oh Val," I pulled her into a hug, keeping an equal tight hold as she did with me, as if we would never let each other go. "I promise I won't go near Sebastian again, not if it will make you upset."
"Thanks, Clare Bear," she sniffed, before finally pulling away, holding me at arm's length with a big smile. With her wet, blue eyes and face pink from crying, I realized with a pang that Val still looked stunningly beautiful, even at her worst. She's perfect, her life's perfect, her future looks perfect. Everything as clear-cut as crystal.
Except me, the only thing not flawless in her radiant existence.
We both yelped in surprise when another pair of arms encircled us, forming yet another hug. Jace chuckled, a sound that vibrated through me as he held both of us, so close I could feel the beat of his heart. "Don't stop now! Nothing like a nice lot of sisterly affection!"
Val laughed, playfully hitting at his chest, "You ruined the moment, you idiot!" He grinned, catching her wrists in his strong hold, his golden eyes glinting mischievously. Her smile was breathless as she looked up at him, all playfulness gone and replaced with a wonderful adoration. It numbed me to the bone, watching them in such a special moment when they grew lost in each other's eyes and I was left with no one but myself.
Then Jace let go of her hands and turned to me, smiling. "Everyone fancy take-out?" I let out a shriek of excitement as did Val, forgetting the loneliness I'd felt at the promise of food.
"Oh my god, yes!" Val grinned, "Chinese, Indian.."
"Pizza!" Jace and I suggested at the same time and we both laughed at our extreme enthusiasm. My sister giggled.
"Pizza it is then." An hour later, we were curled up on the sofa, Val in the middle of me and Jace, watching a film that Val had chosen: Love Actually. To be honest, I was too busy scoffing down the meat feast pizza we'd ordered to enjoy the film properly but my sister loved it, laughing and smiling.
Seeing her happy made me happy, and I cherished the two and a half hours we spent on that sofa, just enjoying the night, no worries invading the air. My mind wandered back to our fight, to how angry we'd both been to the tears shining in both our eyes as we'd hugged. My promise rang in my ears: I promise I won't go near Sebastian again, not if it will make you upset. At the time I'd meant it, not wanting Val to have to worry about me. But now…
The pepperonis tasted bitter in my mouth when I realized what I wanted. I yearned for what Val had, what she always had without even trying: perfection. I craved for a life without heartache, worries, fear; for confidence to look in a mirror and not shy away by what I saw; for someone to look at me like I was the most amazing thing they'd ever seen or ever would. That was what I wanted most: a chance at love.
I wanted it enough to break a promise I'd made to my only sister.
Swallowing guiltily, I looked over to Val and her platinum smile before reminding myself sternly - this was my life, my choice. I should be able to decide what path I should take, what I truly desired in life. Taking a deep breath, I gobbled up another slice of pizza, trying to block out the discomfort worming through my stomach.
"Damn, Clary!" Val chuckled, looking down at the nearly empty pizza box, "No one's going to take it from you!" I gave her a weak smile, shrugging lightly though it felt jerkier than I'd intended.
"This pizza's really good!" She laughed as did Jace, who deftly leaned over to snatch the last slice. He smirked at my glare, gobbling it up quick before I could take it from him.
"Mm…" He smacked his lips loudly, exaggerating for my benefit, "God, that was truly a gift from the heavens. Shame, Clary. They say the last slice is always the best." I pretended to lunge at Jace, secretly thanking him for the distraction. We all laughed, before receding to silence to watch the rest of the movie. It was a comfortable silence, the three of us blissfully quiet and tired from the mega pizza-high. I leaned back, sighing in content, only to have more troubled thoughts cut through my comfort.
I was going against what Val wanted, lying to her. I pretended to brush it off like I didn't care, but deep down I did. Painfully so.
I was crushing on her fiancé, and now going after her ex.
Putting it that way, I sounded like the worst sister alive. Maybe I was.
So, here's another chapter! This one was hard for me to write actually, focusing on Clary's true feelings and trying to express them in detail. Not much of Clace but mostly sisterly bonding; I don't know, I kind of like it :)
Who's looking forward to Shadowhunters?! I've seen all the trailers and sneak peeks tonnes of times and am so ready to watch it! Hopefully, they'll stick with it and go through the whole series - I'd loved to see Sebastian Morgenstern on screen! ;)
~InfernoAlive