Chapter Ten
The next day, a Monday, the routine begins again. Bucky drags himself out of bed wearily. Stevie's awake, so Bucky sets him up with a few books and toys in his crib and showers. When he gets out and dresses, his wet hair plastered to his face and the back of his neck, Stevie's having a sneezing fit that he can hear from down the hall. He hurries into the bedroom and when Stevie finishes, he scoops him up and pats his back.
"You better not be coming down with something, kid," he says and Stevie nestles his face into the crook of Bucky's neck. Bucky realizes that if he did, it would be his fault for exposing him to things like restaurants and New York City as a whole and he swallows a little and rubs Stevie's back a little faster. "Come on, Stevie, perk up, you're fine."
Bucky has already cleaned up the mess on the stove and he sits Stevie into his highchair and cuts up some fruit for his breakfast. He sits down with him and encourages him to open his mouth so Bucky can put a spoonful of chopped up bananas into it and Stevie just leans forward and puts his head down on his tray. Bucky's not sure what to do. He sets the plate of breakfast down and takes Stevie's little shoulder and makes him sit up, then puts his hand on his forehead. He's heating up and Bucky's starting to feel a fever coming on in his skin and he panics.
He finds the baby thermometer in the cupboard and Stevie's jumping up past 97, 98, 99 and Bucky wants to cry again.
He calls Mrs Carter and cancels and then calls Fury and cancels there, too. Fury is less than thrilled and wants to stay on the line to give him a lecture, but Bucky doesn't care. He calls the doctor's office and asks what he should do and makes an appointment to come in during the afternoon. In the meantime, he does everything he can think of. He puts Stevie into a lukewarm bath, but he's not interested in playing with his toys and instead he just frowns up at Bucky tiredly. He puts on the TV and tries to feed Stevie, but Stevie refuses and lays down on his back instead. Bucky's not sure what medicine to give him, so instead, he takes the baby back to the bedroom and lays down with him. That seems to be all Stevie has the energy to do anyway. A few minutes later, he turns around and throws up all over Bucky's pillow.
At the doctor's office, Stevie is diagnosed with pneumonia. He's prescribed some antibiotics and sent home and Nurse Carter gives them both a sad little wave from down the hall as they leave.
Bucky's trying very hard not to cry.
He calls Natalia.
"Stevie's got pneumonia," he says when she picks up. "And it's totally my fault."
"What?" Natalia says. Then, "hold on, Bucky, I'm coming over."
"You shouldn't," Bucky says to her. "Stevie's really sick; it's coming out both ends. The house is a mess, I'm a wreck."
"Exactly," Natalia says. "I'll help. I owe you now, you know," she explains. "For New York." Bucky thinks this makes it sound as though he has given her New York, and then he almost wishes that he could.
"Is baby vomit really a fair trade?" He says with a bit of a smile.
"I'll be over in twenty," Natalia says and hangs up. Bucky still wonders what it is she sees in him.
When she arrives, he lets her in and leads her to the sick Stevie, sleeping fitfully in his crib, drowsy from the medicine.
"He'll be up in another five minutes with diarrhea," Bucky says with a frown. "I've already had to throw away a pillowcase and change his sheets once." Natalia leans over the crib and fits her finger into Stevie's hand.
"Poor baby," she cooes. "Poor little thing."
"This could be really bad for him," Bucky says quietly.
"Well, it's not like it could be good for him," Natalia replies and Bucky steps back and takes a breath, turning away from the crib. She doesn't understand.
"It's not like that," he says back. "He's sick, I mean it. He's really weak." Natalia turns around and he can see her out of the corner of his eye.
"What do you mean?" She asks and Bucky crams his hand into his pocket.
"He's got something called 'severe combined immunodeficiency', which basically means he's got no immune system to speak of and he'll get sick with everything, and really sick." Bucky shifts his weight a little. He's making room for the pain in his heart. He can't look Natalia in the eye. "But, uh, that's just the medical garbage, you know? What it really means, what matters is that, um," Bucky stops, because he stops here every time, like his throat closes up and he can't say the words. He forces himself to. "What it means is that they've told me he probably won't live past five years old at the most."
He doesn't look over at Natasha, but he doesn't have to to feel the tension in the air as she stares, slack-jawed and wordless. He hears her swallow.
"Bucky…," she says. "That's horrible."
"Yeah," Bucky says. When he looks back up and over, Natasha is staring at him and she's approached him from behind, concern in her face.
"What are you going to do?" She whispers and Bucky braces himself against the heartbreak.
"I've asked myself that so many times," he replies and runs his hand through his hair. "I really don't know. Every time he gets sick-every fever, every asthma attack, every doctor's visit-that might be it for him." Bucky's tried to be strong, but he can't keep the ocean of sadness from drowning his heart. A few tears fall down his cheeks without permission. "Might be the last time I see him."
When he looks over, Natalia's eyes are shining too. She's cupping her mouth with both hands.
"That's the worst thing I've ever heard," she whispers, her voice thick and muffled and Bucky blinks hard and nods.
"It's made it really hard," he says. Then, he looks in her watering eyes. "Thank you for being here. I've… I've never had someone to tell that to before. No one's ever really understood." Before he can brace himself, Natalia's flinging her arms around him and squeezing him, her head on his shoulder, and, caught off guard, it takes a second for him to raise his arm and hug her back.
Natalia gives long, meaningful hugs, and Bucky sinks into her embrace like a ship going down. It seems as though she's holding him up and he closes his eyes and sucks in a shaking breath and realizes that he's never really been held like this before. It feels really, really good.
She pulls away when Stevie wakes up and they hear horrible heaving sounds. Bucky races over to the crib and turns him over on his side and he vomits all over Bucky's arm. Natalia runs to his aid, grabbing up the now sobbing and screaming Stevie and Bucky feels his gag reflex start to fight him as he runs into the restroom down the hall and turns on the showerhead to stick his whole arm under.
When he returns, he finds Natalia bouncing Stevie comfortingly and wiping up his mouth.
"I think he just threw up his medicine along with his lunch," Bucky says frustratedly as he gathers up Stevie's now soiled sheets and blankets and takes them off the miniature mattress.
"So do we give him another dose?" Natalia asks and Bucky shrugs wearily.
"I have no idea. I guess?" He says and Natalia follows him into the laundry room as he dumps the sheets into the washing machine. He tries not to think about how much easier life would be if he could go through it with two hands. Then, doing things like stripping mattresses and opening machines wouldn't have to be so difficult. He's a little embarrassed for Natalia to see how long it takes him to pick things up and set things down and open things up and scoop everything back up again, but, he tells himself, at least he's managing.
They get Stevie to drink another tiny cup of thick, syrup-y antibiotic and Bucky hands him a bottle of warm milk that he starts to drink.
"He can't keep that down," Natalia mentions and Bucky shrugs.
"He can't starve," he replies defeatedly.
Stevie's quieted by the bottle and Natalia cradles him while he drinks it. They sit down at the kitchen table. Bucky watches him stare up at her with those big baby blue eyes and Natalia starts to make kissy faces down at him. Stevie cracks a small smile with his lips still around the tip of the bottle.
"So, what is it?" Bucky says to her after a while. "I'm just the only friend you got in America? I'm the only person to speak Russian?" Natalia looks up at him.
"What?" She says and Bucky shrugs.
"I'm trying to figure it out," he tells her. "Am I just the one person you can communicate with? Is that it?"
"Figure out…," Natalia says with a frown and trails off, then he sees it dawn on her. "Oh! Are you talking about what you said earlier? After our daytrip?"
"I know you said you like me, but that just doesn't click for me," Bucky says honestly. "It doesn't add up. And your English is weak, you said it yourself, so that must limit the pool of guys you have to choose from."
"Are you telling me you think I'm only here because you speak Russian?" Natalia says incredulously and Bucky shrugs weakly. He watches her face turn cold and wonders if he's made a mistake somewhere. "You've really got the gall to think I'm just using you? After all we've done for each other?"
"I didn't say that," Bucky backpedals quickly, especially because he's thinking he definitely hasn't done enough for her, but Natalia's already looking angry.
"Look, Barnes," she says sharply. "If I want guys, I can get guys. I didn't kiss you just because I'm desperate."
"I didn't mean-," Bucky says, but she keeps talking.
"I'm not here holding your sick baby because I just want you to do something for me," she continues. "Let's get one thing straight, Russian speaking or not, if I want men, I'll get them. If I need a tour guide, I'll get that, too. I chose you, Bucky," she says and then leans forward to enunciate her words in his face. "Because. I. Like. You. And I do things for you because you're my friend, not because you're some 'last man on Earth' in a country of English speakers."
Bucky isn't sure how to respond once she finishes. He's still reeling.
"I'm sorry," he finally says. "I didn't mean to, uh, insinuate anything. I didn't mean to say you were desperate. It's just, you know," he swallows, trying to explain himself. "Can't see why anyone would like a guy like me, that's all."
"You want a list?" Natalia says dryly and he thinks she's joking and he's about to awkwardly tell her no, but she continues before he can. "You're so sexy," she says, which really catches him off guard. "You look like some sort of rugged male model, with the pouty lips and the hair and the jawline. You've got this expression where you look up at me through your eyelashes and combined with that subtle American accent you have and it's seriously to die for."
Bucky has never considered himself sexy before. He's a little shocked. He lets her continue.
"You're kind and selfless and gentle," she keeps going. "And when you've got this tiny baby in your arm, you just look so safe. I've never met anyone whose gentleness shines through their eyes before.
"You're endlessly interesting to talk to. I feel like every time we have a conversation, I learn something new."
Bucky thinks he might be blushing. Natalia's not finished.
"You stopped to help a woman in the street that you didn't even know," she says. "To speak a language that, no doubt, dredges up some painful memories, and then continue to try to be her friend. And don't even get me started on Stevie."
"What about Stevie?" Bucky asks and Natalia scoffs.
"You take in and save a sick little baby, even though it'd be easier to let him live in an orphanage?" Natalia cries. "Even though everyone fights you and his care is expensive and he complicates your life? And you love him so, so much, when no one else would." Natalia hugs Stevie close to her and lets out a breath. "You're amazing."
Bucky is trying to take all this in. The way she describes him makes him sound like a prince, or a superhero. He's never seen himself this way. It's jarring.
"Wow," he finally says. "I don't know what to say."
"Just stop thinking I have ulterior motives," Natalia says and she looks down and makes more kissy faces for Stevie. "I'm here for you, Bucky, and just you." Natalia leans down and kisses Stevie. "And, of course, this little angel right here."
"Thank you," Bucky says quietly. He feels loved in a way he hasn't in a really long time. He thinks he might cry again.
"Don't thank me," Natalia says. "You don't need to thank me."
He knows it might be unusual to thank someone for their friendship and love, but he feels so grateful anyway.