The NEW Grim Edventures of Ed, Edd n Eddy
Episode Seven "Something Ed This Way Comes" (Part Two) [Chapter 10]
By thebestkindofstupid (AKA Edd Shwartz)
"All rise for the honorable Judge Spleen," said a humanoid fly. The courtroom was filled with all sorts of monsters. Some had multiple eyes; some had no eyes. Some were purple; others were silver. One was even made of pickles, but he was quickly eaten by a large slug like creature.
"Order, order," the judge declared while banging his gavel. He was green with a wig typical of a judge. He spoke in a very serious and low-pitched voice.
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat," said Fred, a green elephant voiced by C.H. Greenblatt.
"What?" the judged asked angrily.
"You asked for the proper order, Judge," said Fred.
"Wouldn't it be rinse, lather, repeat?" asked Ed, "I mean, who the heck lathers before they get their hair wet."
"Well, it was implied," Double D said.
"Order in the court!" yelled Judge Spleen.
"I'd like to call a surprise witness," Daddy Elf announced.
Judge Spleen started screaming, "What the frappe is wrong all of you?! We've just started, and I already have no confidence that in this going to go well!"
"Judge," Fred said, "I left my nachos in the Homer-built car. May I go get it real quick?"
"No, you may not, you'll have to wait until a recess is called…" said the judge.
"Ooh, ooh, when's recess?! I wanna play!" Ed called.
"I remember when they started broadcasting Recess," said Eddy, "I always HATED it!"
"Can we please get this case back on track?" asked the judge.
"Excuse me," said Grim.
"What is it now?!" said Judge Spleen.
"Remind me again why I'm up in this cage…" said Grim. He was in a yellow cage suspended by a chain.
"Why isthe grim reaper up in that cage?!" asked Judge Spleen.
"We've done things we're not proud of," Eddy said, sadly.
"You know what? Let's just start over," said Judge Spleen. "Is that okay with everyone? All right, then. Marty, do your thing where you tell people to rise. Marty?! Where is Marty?!"
"He left to pick up his dry cleaning," answered somebody in the courtroom with a nasally voice.
"Just what am I supposed to do without a bailiff?" the Judge asked rhetorically.
"What's a bailiff?" asked Ed.
"I think he approves of somebody's bail?" Eddy answered.
"What's bail?"
"Bail is the money you pay to get out of jail, but it's not allowed for people who commit heinous crimes like murder," Eddy answered.
"Actually, it's the money you pay to receive a trial, and––" Double D was interrupted by the judge.
"I can't believe a lawyer doesn't know that bail gets you out of jail," said the judge. "What in the underworld could have caused you to believe you had to pay the court money for a trial? Bribes are illegal, you know."
"Perhaps the, uhh, jargon is different in the underworld," Double D suggested nervously.
"No, you're just stupid. Now then, would someone please tell me what this lawsuit is about?"
The dwarf king answered, "the elves said we could take care of the cookie industry if they could have the mushroom industry, while the half-lings took the chicken industry, but guess what: We got stuck with the chicken industry, and we want to know why."
"Judge," Fred said.
"What do you want?!"
"World peace," Fred answered.
The judge rested his head on his fist for a moment, then he said, "No, I meant, 'what do you want to tell or ask me?'"
"Could you bring about world peace, because that would be nice," Fred said.
"No, I can't do that," said the judge.
"Why not? What did the world do to you?"
"I am not capable of bringing about world peace," the judge said through clenched teeth.
"Couldn't you be cabaple if you tried?" Fred asked.
The judge whispered to the person next to him, "Hey, uhh, is it legal for me to sentence him to death?"
"No."
"Drat," the judge whispered.
"Can we get back to the trial, please?" Double D asked.
"Very well, Mr., uhh, Eddward, please do," the judge said.
"Um, do what? Shall I call upon someone for questioning?" asked Double D.
"Don't you know how a court case is played out?!" asked the judge.
"Well, how could I know? Here in the underworld, bail is more for you to get out of jail. What other things have changed."
"All right, fine, go ahead and call someone to the stand," the judge said.
"Is that the only option?" Double D asked, trying to form a strategy.
"I don't remember. I think that green elephants comments are doing permanent damage to my brain," said the judge.
"I can spell my name real good," said Fred, "Eff ar ee dee eff ar ee dee bee yoo arr geeee … ee … arr. Fred Fredburger; yes!"
"Man, you can spell your name real good," Ed said.
"Oh, I know," said Fred.
"Don't encourage him," the judge said, while messaging his temples.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I need to bring but one person to the stand to prove my client the one telling the truth. I call to the stand––" Double D then got zapped by a ray gun, put on stun.
"I, uhh, was just seeing if it worked," said a jury-member wearing a storm-trooper outfit and holding a blue ray gun.
"Well, this is just fantastic," the judge said sarcastically. "The only other person in this courtroom with the basic knowledge of how to behave in court is frozen until who knows when. Now how are we going to get this court case behind us?"
"I'll take the case," said Ed.
"Very well, I'm sure no one else is more qualified," said the judge.
Eddy tried to stop Ed from ruining everything. "I think I could…"
"Don't test my patience, or I'll have you thrown in jail for contempt in court," Judge Spleen said.
"There goes my cut of the cookie profits," Eddy whispered to himself.
"This can't be happening," Grim said, as he slowly placed his hand over his face.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the court," Ed began.
"There are women in my courtroom?! Where?!" asked Judge Spleen.
Ed continued, "I would like to call to the stand Kevin Heffley."
"Uhh," said one of the jury members, "I think we'll have to wait until the bailiff comes back. He had the ray gun to summon people to the stands."
"Hold on a second," said the monster in the storm trooper outfit. "I think I may be able to. Give me a minute." He typed some information into his gun, and summoned Kevin to the stands.
"Someone put him under oath," the Judge commanded.
"I'm back from the dry-cleaners. What'd I miss?" asked Marty the fly.
"What possessed you to leave my courtroom?!" asked the judge, "What makes you think you can do that and get away with it?!"
"I have a picture of you at the Christmas party," said the fly.
"R… really?" asked Judge Spleen.
"Yeah," said Marty.
"Well, okay then," said the judge, "please put him under oath."
"You're darn right I'm gonna put him under oath," said the fly in a rather aggressive manner. "Mr. Heffley, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" asked the fly.
"Yes, I do," said Kevin.
"Now, Mr. Heffley, where were you on October 21st?" asked Ed.
"How should I remember that, idiot?!" Kevin said.
"Aha! He's guilty! Lock him up!" Eddy yelled.
"What?!" Kevin bellowed as security guards carried him away. "This isn't the last you'll hear of Kevin Heffley!"
"This is fun," Eddy said, "Let's call up Sarah next."
"Order in the––" Judge Spleen called, only to realize he didn't have his gavel.
Fred Fredburger was using his gavel as a hammer to nail a picture of Abraham Simpsons posing with Marylyn Monroe. As he was doing this, he sang, "Fred Fredburger, Fred Fredburger." He looked back at the judge. "Almost done." He continued, "Fred Fredburger, Fred Fredburger." He turned back around, and gave it back to the judge. "Here you go." The judge then hit him on the head with it, and went back to his seat.
"All right, let's end this chapter quickly before the author has a chance to get a montage of witnesses or a musical number," said the judge.
"Your honor, these accusations are ridiculous. They have no proof we agreed to give them the chicken industry."
"What about that treaty signed 375 years ago?" asked Ed.
"Well, no, that didn't exist; I mean, it doesn't exist. I mean…"
"Let me see a copy of that," said the judge.
"Why didn't they just do that in the first place," said Grim.
The dwarf king handed him a copy that he had apparently been carrying with him for over 3 centuries. The judge then said, "Well, thank goodness we're almost done. I can't take another minute with that idiot."
Fred then started singing "Particle Man" by They Might Be Giants, but the lyrics was incorrect and gibberish.
The judge then shuddered and said, "All right, I hereby sentence…"
"Uhh, judge?" asked Marty.
"What?! What could you possibly want?!"
"The jury has to reach a verdict before you can sentence them to––"
"Fine! Who amongst you thinks the cookie business should belong to the elves? Nobody, good! How many of you think the dwarves deserves the cookie industry?" Nobody raised their hand. "D'AARGH! Nobody voted! UGH!" Judge Spleen then started banging his head on the podium––whatever you'd call it––in front of him.
Grim remarked, "This is why I don't vote."
When he was done, he said, "That does it! For allowing the pop charts to become so polluted, I sentence all elves to serve twelve hundred hours of community service, and the dwarves get the chicken and cookie industries. Court dismissed."
"Well," Eddy pointed out, "according to this contract, you owe me 10% of all net profits from the cookie industries."
"Actually, you need a witness you prove the contract was actually signed by both parties, so technically, we don't," said the dwarf king before walking off.
Eddy exclaimed, "Fribble!"
Fred went up to Ed and said, "Hey, uhh, my house burned down from being so close to lava. Can I stay with you for a couple of years?"
Ed was ecstatic. "We can be like brothers and share the same bathroom."
"Yes," said Fred one last time.
"Ooh," Double D said, recovering from the blast. "What happened?"
"We got ripped off. That's what happened," Eddy said, angrily.
"Did the dwarves lose?" asked Double D.
"No, they won, but we won't receive anything," said Eddy.
"Maybe you could take a little comfort in knowing you did good by righting a wrong."
"Yeah, right." Eddy said sarcastically.
"Can someone get me down from here?" asked Grim.
The End… for now.
Well, Grim, once again, was left out of a great portion of this story, but I'll try to include more of him in Chapter 11. Thank you all, once again for reading, and I'll try to make the next episode even better. Also, I sprained my ankle a few days before posting this, but I should be better very soon. I'm not sure what to do for the next episode, so I won't drop a hint. Take care, everyone.