Chapter 10

"Look! Don't be deceived by appearances - men and things are not what they seem. All who are not on the rock are in the sea!"

William Booth

Tim woke up alone in his room. He vaguely remembered seeing Gibbs and Ducky before, but he couldn't be entirely sure of that. There was a tube taped to his face. He reached up and touched it, following it from his cheek to his nose. Oxygen. Now that he thought about it, it was kind of hard to breathe right now. He wondered why.

But I'm alive. What's going to happen now?

Tim couldn't think of a single person he could see at this moment that wouldn't make him wish he were dead. Not one. The bullets had all hit him at once, it seemed, but while the pain had been bad, he had felt almost grateful. No more complications. He didn't have to try and sort through all the confusion to find what must be reality. He didn't have to decide who was good and who was bad. He didn't have to wonder if he had been betrayed or merely the betrayer. He didn't have to figure out which side he was on.

No one's. No one would have me now anyway. ...and if that's the case, why am I even bothering?

There didn't seem to be a point. Tim tried to sit up, but as soon as he moved, he felt intense pain centered in his back and his side. The pain seemed radiate outward from those points like waves of electricity were coursing through his body. He sagged back in the bed, wheezing slightly, tears streaming down his cheeks. He heard an increased beeping sound...and before he knew it, there was someone in the room.

"Agent McGee, what's wrong?"

Oh, that was the stupidest question he'd ever heard, possibly the stupidest question ever put to him in his entire life.

"Hurts," he wheezed.

The nurse/doctor (Tim didn't know which she was and didn't particularly care) looked at him.

"What were you trying to do?"

"Leave."

"Why?"

"Didn't..." The pain started to ebb finally but he was still finding it hard to breathe. "...see much...point in staying..."

"Big mistake, Agent McGee. You were shot four times, although two were only grazes. You are not ready to walk to the bathroom, let alone leave the hospital."

"Doesn't matter," he said. "Everything is...ruined...anyway. Might as well...just...get it over with."

"Get what over with?"

"Everything."

There was a long pause.

"I want you to breathe with the oxygen mask for a few minutes. Your gas exchange isn't as efficient as it could be. So far, you've been doing pretty well. Your lung didn't fully collapse, but you could stand to have a bit more oxygen in your body."

Tim shrugged and didn't protest when the uncomfortable mask was slipped over his face. Why give someone else a reason to hate him? Besides, he was surprised at how much easier it was to breathe.

"Agent McGee?"

He opened his eyes, surprised that they had closed. It was like he'd fallen asleep and not noticed.

"You have a couple of visitors. Are you up to seeing them?"

"Yeah. Whatever," Tim said, his words muffled by the mask.

"You don't have to. If you're needing a rest, you can say no."

"It...doesn't matter. Send them...in."

"All right."

She left and Tim kept breathing in the oxygen. It was rather nice to breathe almost normally. ...but why was he bothering? No one who would come in here could possibly have anything great to say...not to him and not about him. He'd betrayed and killed his friends and lost his team a long time ago. Nothing he had done in the last little while could lead to something positive. It was all a waste.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Jethro, I'm more than willing to be here, but I'm not sure what you think my role should be," Ducky said. "I have not spoken to Timothy much more than the rest of you in the last few months."

"I'm going to be questioning him, Ducky. You can keep me in line."

"This is a man on your team, Jethro. Changed or not, that in and of itself is still the same."

"But the situation has changed. Vance needs an explanation for what we were all doing there and why NCIS is responsible for the deaths of fifteen people! McGee has details we don't...and I'm going to get them."

"Excuse me, sirs?"

Ducky and Gibbs turned.

"Yes?"

"You can go and see him now, but I wanted to let you know that...there might be a problem."

"Meaning?" Gibbs asked.

"His current attitude is trending towards...hopeless...at best. I came in and found him trying to leave the hospital because he said there was no point...to anything."

Ducky looked at Gibbs with some concern. Gibbs didn't return the glance.

"Thanks," he said and walked by the nurse.

Ducky went after him.

"Jethro."

"I heard her, Ducky."

"And?"

"And all things considered, I'm going to see for myself before I believe that McGee's changed that much."

"Jethro, I already told you about his confusion before."

"Yeah. I know."

Ducky started to protest but stopped when he saw it would do no good. Gibbs had decided that he wanted the truth. He wasn't going to stop until he got it...and nothing so banal as possible depression was going to stop him. Not after what had happened at that house.

When they entered the room, Tim was breathing through an oxygen mask. His eyes were closed. He was very still...but he wasn't asleep.

"Timothy?" Ducky asked, very gently.

Tim opened his eyes, looked at them and then sighed...and winced. He took off the oxygen mask.

"Yeah?"

Gibbs took over.

"We need to know what's going on, McGee," he said.

"I...I can't tell you," Tim said and looked away.

"Why not?"

"It's...against...the rules," Tim said. "I...I already broke one of the rules. I have to keep the rules."

"What rules, McGee?" Gibbs asked, sounding irritated.

Tim looked up and Ducky was surprised at the desperation in his eyes, almost a silent plea for help.

"It's...It's your rule, too! You always say to keep secrets! Don't tell anyone! ...and..." He panted a little. "It's their rule. I have to keep it a secret! I can't tell." Inexplicably, tears came into his eyes, but Ducky rather thought that Gibbs didn't notice them.

"McGee...we were in that house. We know that you were a part of that group! We killed or arrested everyone there. What more is there to keep secret?"

Tim began to cry. "I'm a traitor!" he said, weeping and then wheezing a little. Ducky hurriedly walked to the bed and put the oxygen mask back over his face.

"Just breathe for a moment, Timothy."

Tim did...but for less than a minute and then he took off the oxygen mask again.

"I'm a traitor. I betrayed them. All of them. They didn't know. They didn't see. ...and all the time I was going to betray them!"

"McGee..." Gibbs began.

Ducky held up his hand and addressed Tim himself.

"Timothy...what is your betrayal?"

"I have to keep it a secret," Tim said again.

"But you know that we were there. Surely, you can tell us what you yourself did that was an act of betrayal. We should know what you feel you've done wrong."

"I didn't trust them! There's...There are only two rules! Keep everything a secret...and don't do anything that would hurt the group. Everything is done for the group...and I didn't. I..." Tim started to cry again.

"What did you do, Timothy?"

"I...I was suspicious." Tim seemed completely ashamed by that admission. "I couldn't explain it...they couldn't explain it...and so I...I..." Tim looked at Ducky. "I shouldn't have done it! People wouldn't have died if I hadn't!"

"What, Timothy?" Ducky asked patiently. He rather thought that Gibbs was finally seeing the serious nature of Tim's state of mind.

"I...I hacked into the site. I saw what they were planning. I saw what they had done before. I saw it all. It was wrong! It was...evil! ...but I shouldn't have done it! I shouldn't have doubted them! I should have asked them and..." Finally, he looked at Gibbs again. "I'm so sorry, Boss!" he said through tears and gasps for breath. "I know I shouldn't have! ...but Emil...my friend. He was my best friend...and he was going to kill you! I know I shouldn't have broken the rules, but I had to. ...and I..." Tim began to sob. "...and I killed my friend. I shot him in the back! I know it was wrong! ...and I killed our leader! I...I shouldn't have...I..." He ran out of air and Ducky quickly pulled the oxygen mask over his face again.

"Calm down, Timothy," Ducky said. "It's all right."

"No..." Tim wheezed. "No...not...all...right..."

"Shh...calm down. Just breathe for a few minutes, Timothy. Just breathe."

"My...friends...are dead..."

"Shh...breathe."

Gibbs stirred but this time, Ducky stopped him just so that Tim could calm down enough to get his breath back. Tim was fairly quivering with tension as he breathed. He wasn't looking at either man. The seconds ticked by. Silently.

"McGee, what were you doing there at that house?"

"Being a traitor," Tim whispered.

"How?"

Ducky winced, but the question was almost non-combative.

"I was...I was stupid. I forgot the meeting. Every month. I forgot it. I'm not smart enough to be with them. I..."

"Tim, why were you there?" Gibbs asked.

"I was...I was going to betray them...destroy their...plans. I was going to work against them. I made the mess. My ideas. My suggestions. I had to clean up my own mess."

Ducky looked at Gibbs and saw the understanding. That was rule 45.

"And I betrayed them. I worked against them. I..." Tim shifted his gaze to Ducky. "I didn't want to! ...but when I saw them there, pinned down... They couldn't escape. I had to stop them. I had to..." Tim voice trailed off and he shook his head. "...but it was wrong to do it. I shouldn't have..."

"McGee, these people started trying to kill us without provocation even when we identified ourselves! Whose side are you on?" Gibbs burst out suddenly.

Tim physically jerked, as if Gibbs had just hit him. He looked at Gibbs, his mouth moving silently. Then, he looked at Ducky. In his eyes...he was utterly lost.

"I...I don't know!" Tim said. He began to hyperventilate. "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know..."

Ducky again put the oxygen mask over his face and then held Tim as gently as he could, trying to calm him down. His heart rate was skyrocketing.

"All right. It's all right, Timothy. You don't have to know right now. Just calm down. Slow down your breathing. You don't need to get upset right now."

"Wasn't...supposed to...survive," Tim said with his voice muffled.

"Who wasn't?" Gibbs asked, although it was clear from his expression that he already knew.

"Me," Tim gasped out. "Not supposed to survive. Traitors should die. I'm a traitor. I should die."

"No, Timothy. That's wrong."

Before Ducky could say any more, the door opened and the nurse came back in. She looked rather put out.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're upsetting my patient. Agent McGee should not be putting this much strain on his body right now. In fact, it's the last thing he needs. Leave. You can come back later." Her tone brooked no disagreement.

Ducky nodded and let Tim go, but Tim reached out a hand toward him.

"Mainframe...is open," he gasped. "It was...wrong...shouldn't have..."

Ducky brushed his hand across Tim's forehead and smiled.

"It wasn't wrong. Thank you, Timothy."

Tim's eyes closed and he started breathing again. Ducky nudged Gibbs and they left the room.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"What was all that, Ducky?" Gibbs asked. He cursed inwardly that he sounded as shaken as he felt.

"I don't know for sure, Jethro."

"He said that he killed someone to save me...and that it was the wrong thing to do."

"I think...that we need to know more about this group...and how Timothy became a part of it. That, I believe, will help us better understand his current state of mind."

"What are you thinking?" Gibbs asked.

"That Timothy sounds almost like someone fighting against fairly-successful brainwashing."

"Oh, come on, Duck. He was at work every day. We would have noticed something like that!"

"Didn't we all notice a change? Didn't we all see how Timothy started withdrawing from our company, how he started looking down on us all? A dramatic personality change. We saw it and we did nothing more than resent it."

Gibbs was silent for a moment.

"I myself have been fooled into assuming that Timothy had simply changed for the worse and he was no longer someone with whom I wished to associate...but it does seem, based on his behavior a few moments ago, that he was not in his right mind. He is confused about what choice is the right one to make. He feels he is a traitor."

"To the people who were trying to kill us, Ducky," Gibbs said.

"Yes. ...and no matter how changed Timothy has become, can you really honestly tell me that you could ever imagine Timothy McGee feeling that wholesale murder was acceptable?"

"No."

"Then, that should tell you that something is wrong!"

Gibbs looked at Ducky for a long moment and then pulled out his phone.

"Abby."

"What, Gibbs? What does the great hider of important information have to say?"

"Abby."

"You could have taken a second to tell me, Gibbs! Tim got shot! Three words! That's all it takes!"

"Abby!"

"What?"

"What have you found in the mainframe?"

"It's only been a couple of days, Gibbs. What are you expecting?"

"That you have something."

"Well...I do. If you hadn't been so insistent that I not call you, I could have told you stuff sooner."

"What did you find?"

"Well, there's tons here," Abby said, sounding less miffed at him. "I won't get through it all for ages, but what I have found is...way beyond hinky."

"In what way?"

"In a take-over-the-world way...in a way that solves our unsolved cases...in a way that explains the witness statement about seeing a guy clone himself...in a way that tells us you were right about them hiding their power usage by hacking into the power company...in a way that...that has Tim suggesting how to use holographic technology to duplicate himself...in a way that..."

"Wait, are you saying that McGee helped them kill that petty officer?"

"No...but...these guys didn't seem to feel the need to get rid of anything on their site. Tim is the one who suggested the possibilities of holographic technology beyond those way cool masks they were using. It was from this live chat transcript. Gibbs...it reads like a bunch of geeks getting together. Tim came up with the idea and then for the next hour they were suggesting ways it could be used. ...and no, covering up a murder was not one of the options. ...but it was Tim's idea. ...and Gibbs...I found the membership list. Tim was way up there on the list. He wasn't part of the leadership, but of the rank-and-file members, he was nearly at the top...even over people who had been members longer."

Gibbs was silent as he digested all that Abby had said.

"Gibbs...what's going on?"

"I don't know yet, Abbs. For now, focus on figuring out just what McGee had been doing. ...and look at those cold cases. See if you can make a real link between them."

"Justify your presence at the house when you didn't have a warrant, aye, aye, sir."

Gibbs hung up.

"Well?" Ducky asked.

"McGee's in this up to his neck, Ducky. I don't know if anyone can pull him out."

"Are you going to try?"

"I'm going to try and figure out the truth," Gibbs said firmly. "I'm not covering for McGee if he's guilty."

Ducky looked at him for a moment. "Is this because, unlike your mother-in-law, you feel that Timothy betrayed you?" he asked coolly.

Gibbs almost winced. They tended not to talk about that particular event because of its...extremely iffy status. That one stung.

"We don't know the truth, yet, Ducky."

"That's true...but be careful that you don't convict Timothy on the basis of your emotions...as you freed your mother-in-law because of your own guilt and regret."

Ducky headed toward the sedan, leaving Gibbs to follow behind him. Even though he knew it was a horrible thing to think, a small part of him couldn't help agreeing with Tim's feeling that he should have died. It just would have been easier, but he wasn't lying to Ducky. He wanted to know the truth.

...and that truth was turning out to be far more complicated than he could ever have imagined.