Part 10: Watching the Light Fade
Gojyo
I'm awake. I can't force myself to open my eyes and face the rising of another sun. Damn, I don't know if I can do this. I can still see all of it replaying in my mind over and over again. I did it, Hakkai. I close my eyes harder against the light. I can see his blood moving like a waterfall down his face.
I went to the bar that night looking for a game of cards and an hour or so of pleasure with some slut. Hakkai never said a word about my nights out. It was something I had always done and something he accepted. That night, I saw the limiters on my opponent. He was big and nasty even with them on, but I never considered that I couldn't take him. I played my usual game with my usual tricks, and then all hell broke loose.
When the limiters came off, he nearly tripled in size. We'd fought bigger, but this time I was on my own. On punch and I was flying across the room. I felt the bones in my right arm splinter as I hit the wall. Shit, he's tough. That was the last thing I thought before the edges started to blur. But then a voice called my name. I called back to him, but it was too late, he had already placed himself in harm's way between me and the youkai. The last thing I heard was his scream before I passed out.
Opened my eyes, I was looking into the barrel of a gun. "Look at what you have done to him!" Sanzo raged at me.
Slowly, I looked past him. What I saw is branded on my soul forever. Goku was holding Hakkai's head in his lap. Blood covered Hakkai's face and Goku's hands as he tried to stem the bleeding. I saw what was left of his beautiful eyes lying on the floor.
The rest of the night seemed to stay still. Kougaiji's apothecary, Yaone, had always had a sort of friendship with Hakkai. She came to do what she could for him, but in the end, there was nothing that could be done. She stood beside the door to his room with her hands still covered in his blood. "How did this happen?" Her voice shook.
For as much as I knew it was my fault, I couldn't force the words past my lips.
Sanzo stood behind me. "He tried to protect Gojyo from what his own stupidity brought upon him." Those cold, violet eyes tore through me. "He should have left him kill you! What have you ever done but bring him pain? If it wouldn't break him, I'd kill you now."
I could still hear those words as I sat by Hakkai's bed. I held his limp hand and stared at it rather than look at his ravaged face. What have I done? I kept asking myself over and over again. I love you. What have I done?
"Kanan." The word was so weak I could barely hear it. He was still sleeping, but even in sleep, he was racked with pain. Pain that I brought. Pain that I could never bear to bring again. I stood up and looked back at him one last time. The light of the moon was slowing being blocked by the clouds casting a shadow across his face, one that would never lift.
I open my eyes and see the light of a new day, a day already half over. I walk out of the barn and into the kitchen.
Goku is sitting at the table sharing a plateful of cookies with the twins, while Houmei pushes eggs around in the skillet. Goku's smile is as fake as my own. "I thought you were never going to get up."
"I like to sleep."
Houmei turns, still holding the turner. "Start talking, or leave."