BTW: Rose's POV

"Hey Comrade wait up." I yell jogging up next to him. He turns and stares at me a second longer than necessary and I feel like a seventeen year old girl caught in his spell. "How are you adjusting to being back at the academy?" Small talk? Really that's what our relationship has dwindled down to?

He keeps walking ignoring my question just like he always has. "Would you like to get lunch with me?" I turn my head to look at him before answering with a nod of my head. Walking into the cafeteria we bypass all the grumbling students, and grab some lunch before heading back outside.

"I always hated when teachers did that."

"Did what?" he asks his eyes staying focused ahead of us.

I move closer to him and bump him with my hip, "Are you okay? You seem a little withdrawn."

"I've always been withdrawn Rose."

I sigh and stop ¸"Yeah with everyone else but never with me. I know sometimes you wouldn't answer my questions but it was never like this."

He stops, looks back at me and sits his lunch down. "I feel like we need to talk. I know we need to talk. I just…I can't figure out how to start."

Walking over I sit my lunch down beside his before turning my back to him and walking a few feet away. "When you left my entire world fell apart, I cursed you every night for what must have been a year. I threw myself into my training and became the best novice in my year and the school's history. I was a kickass fighter but socially I was like you. I had no real friends, yeah I had Lissa but I think she stayed more out of loyalty than because she wanted to."

His hand closes around my shoulder and I turn to stare up into orbs of brown. "When I left you Rose I wasn't happy. I can't remember a time when I've ever been so miserable. "

I shrug away from his hand and watch as it falls to his side. "Even if you were miserable, that doesn't change the fact that you left me. You left me all alone when I needed you the most but that's okay because I never knew how strong I really was until being strong was my only choice."

"You still haven't forgiven me have you?" His eyes hold mine making it impossible to look away.

"I forgave you a long time ago."

His mouth lifts a little at my admission but I already know his next question and he's not going to like the answer. "Then you can give us a shot?" Yep I was right he isn't going to like the answer.

"No."

"No?"

"No, I held onto my hatred for years."

"What does that have to do with us?"

"I don't hate you Dimitri but I don't know if I'll ever love you the same way again."

"I'm exactly the same person you said you loved all those years ago."

"Exactly Comrade you're the same but I've changed. I'm no longer some love struck seventeen year old who's trying to win over her mentor."

"I've held on to us Rose."

"I let go Dimitri."

"Why?"

"It hurt too much to hold on."

He reaches out and closes his hand around mine and tilts my chin up so I'm once again staring into his eyes. "Can you honestly say you have no feelings left for me?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem."

I sigh and pull away from him; it's easier to think when I'm touching him. "You ripped my heart out Dimitri and stomped on it when you chose Tasha over me. How can you expect me to care? Why would I go on loving you? Do you like to torture me?"

"Rose."

"No all I ever did was love you Dimitri. I gave you everything I possibly could. I never thought that the worst thing you would ever do would be to me. I never thought you would hurt me but I've never been as hurt as I was back then, as I still am." I can feel the tears building behind my eyes but I don't care. I'm so tired of acting like it doesn't hurt.

I close my eyes but open them when I feel his hand resting on my cheek. "I never meant to hurt you Roza you have to know that. I loved you then, I still love you now, and I will love you for the rest of my life."

"Then try to understand that I just, I can't do this. I don't know if I'll ever be okay enough for there to be an us but I do love you. I will never stop loving you but there's only so much I can take. My heart can't handle a relationship right now. I haven't had a relationship since you, the one time I slept with someone I woke up and he was gone. Nine months later and I was holding a baby who didn't have a dad. That was the day I gave up."

"Okay." He pulls me into his arm and I listen to his heartbeat under his shirt. It's a soothing sound that I've missed. "I will never let go Roza. I will hold on until you're ready. Remember that."