Mary Tyler Moore The Vampire Slayer
by Rob Morris
TEASER
(Mary Richards walks into WJM; Sees John Amos as Gordy The Weatherman)
MR: Gordy! Oh, its been such a long time!
G: Yeah, Mary. How's Lou doing?
MR: Oh, they kicked him off the Watchers' Council again. And then—he kind of kicked around the Watchers' Council. They let him back in, after that.
G: Ted still....Ted?
MR: (Sadly) yes. But we are trying. Oh, Gordy. You just look so good. You haven't aged a day.
(Gordy shifts to become a vampire)
G: No, I haven't, Slayer! And now, neither will you...
(She rushes fwd; Stakes him)
G: Well, so much for the 'Roots' sequel.
(Falls to dust; Mary sniffles)
MR: I told you not to go over to 'Good Times'!
(Opening sequence; Lou Grant's voice is heard)
LG: Its like this. Once in a while, a Slayer is chosen. Only one. Unless, you know, like when Mary choked on Georgette's cookies, and Murphy Brown got called, but she's doing movies now, so just forget her. Anyway, the Slayer goes out and faces the things you just don't want to know about. No, really. You don't want to know. She faces the forces of darkness armed only with her strength, her skills, her wit--and her spunk. I hate spunk.
(Opening credits roll; Ep begins)
EPISODE TITLE: Love Is All Around; Don't Let It Choke You
(Ted Baxter walks into the newsroom; Murray Slaughter is at the typewriter; Ted's clothes are singed)
TB: Say, Murr. Those tree-huggers may have something. That ozone layer is just about gone. I went outside this morning, and had to get into the shade, lickety-split. Come to think of it, that's been happening a lot, lately. Heh. Wonder why that is?
(Murray stops typing)
MS: Gee, Ted. Could this have anything to do with the fact that you're a vampire?
TB: What are you getting at?
MS: (Sighs) Please don't tell me that you don't know that vampires can't go out in sunlight.
(Ted pulls out a pen and notepad; Jots down)
TB: Avoid...sunlight. Thanks, Murr. You're a real pal. Nobody ever tells me about these things.
(Murray stares dumbstruck; Goes back to typing)
TB: Murray...I'm hungry.
(Ted shifts; Tries to bite Murray; Falls into agonized spasms; Then stands up, straightens himself)
TB: Sorry about that, Murr. Darned chip!
(Walks off; Murray is joined by Rhoda Morgenstern)
RM: I thought he had the chip removed.
MS: He did. I think part of his brain turned to silicon, though. Cause I know there's at least some sand inside his head.
(Mary walks in; Is confronted by a folded-arm Rhoda)
RM: I can't believe that you, my best friend, ran off and left me alone like that. I'm not letting you run away again, Mar!
MR: Rhoda, it was last night, you sprang that double-date on me at the last minute, and he was a misogynistic android!
RM: Yeah, but he was cute. When you tore him up, his friend was really offended.
MR: His friend was a Tricephalan Dragon wearing the form of a man he devoured from within!
RM: You are getting so picky, lately.
MurrS: Hey, Rhoda. How's that spell going? You were trying to summon up an image to frighten Accaltha back with, if he should rise again.
RhM: Not so well, Murr. For some reason, I keep getting an image of my mother. But I did get a call from Joe.
MaryR: That's great, Rhoda. What did he have to say?
RhM: It was during the height of the full moon. Mostly grunts and growls. But he seemed upbeat.
MurrS: So have you met anyone else?
RhM: Well, ya know...Ted's girlfriend Georgette...
MR: Rhoda? Its 1976.
(Rhoda looks sheepish)
RhM: Errr..Georgette is fixing me up with a guy she knows....prude!
MurrS: Give her a break, Rhoda. The Norman Lear shows have used up all the censorship leeway for cast regulars.
MarR: Murray? That was good work cutting off the power generator feeding the Field Beast electricity. It really turned the tide.
MurrS: (Nods) Yeah. I had it all planned, when he picked me up and threw me into the generator like that.
RhM: Nobody knows how to get tossed around like Murray.
(Lou walks in)
LG: Mary, a nest of vampires that used to be Russian mobsters are moving in. Tough numbers.
MaR: But nothing we can't handle, right Mister Grant?
(Lou looks at the document on them)
LG: Actually, they specialize in taking little groups like ours apart. I give us 1 in 3, tops.
RhM: Lou, you're such an optimist.
LG: Well, anyway, we'll hold a strategy meeting on the set while Ted makes the newscast.
MaR: In front of cameras that will be broadcasting our every word? Why there, Mister Grant?
MurrS: That's easy, Mary. Nobody watches us while Ted is on. Even the -demons tune out.
LG: I better check out Sue Ann's show.
MarR: She better not use the P-word again.
RhM: I could use some of the P-Word. I just haven't figured out WHICH P-word.
(Mary's glare to Rhoda again conveys '1976')
(Sue Ann's show comes on the monitor)
Anncr: Now its time for Sue Anyanka Nivens, WJM's Happy Vengeance Demon!
(Betty White comes on the screen, smiling)
SA: Hello, you pathetic little wronged ones. Many of you dear losers have written to me asking how to get vengeance that only makes the target aware of your displeasure, rather than just finishing them off. While this is rather a wimpy, weak-kneed approach to dealing with these lying cheating sacks of mobile scatological garbage, your Happy Vengeance Demon is here for you, even though you don't remotely deserve me. And you don't. Now, before I get to a method that uses common household items like lemon juice, funnel seeds, furniture polish and an old showerhead, let me advise you women on what you can really do to improve your nearly worthless lot in life. Find a real man like my Lou. No only is he kind, considerate, and a real hunk, but he has the largest, most lovely, simply beautiful....
(Lou switches off the set; Phone rings)
LG: Yes, sir. No, the public is not interested in my personal situation. No, sir. It won't happen again. No, sir. I have no interest in verifying her claims.
MarR: She reallllly has to stop doing that.
RhM: What's worse is, my Ma taught me that same vengeance spell. The showerhead never sprays straight, and the funnel seeds have got to be fresh.
MurrS: So?
RhM: So there are no fresh funnel seeds. They only make them to stick in spice racks.
(Ted bursts out, growling)
TB: My chip is out, and now I'll kill you all!
(Lou glares)
LG: Ted? Get back in the studio or I'll put the chip back in.
TB: You're not a surgeon.
LG: That's right.
(Ted shifts back)
TB: Sorry, guys.
(Georgette walks in with plasma in bags)
G: Teddy, I brought you your lunch. On my way here, I saw beautiful shiny people singing to a disabled boy on top of broken pinball machines.
TB: Sorry, people. Georgette is, ya know, a little...(whispers) nuts?
(Georgette gets upset)
G: I am not! I saw 'Tommy' by The Who at the movies.
(Storms out)
TB: Poor kid. Last week, she said she saw four Brits riding around in a Yellow Submarine! Sometimes, there's just no talking to the insane.
MurrS: And no one knows that like us, Ted.
(Ted leaves)
MaR: Mister Grant, before we go on the air, I think I'll do a little patrolling. The snow is blocking out the sun, anyway.
LG: Alright, Mary. But I have some advice before you go. Now, if you see any vampires....
MaR: Yes?
LG: Kill them.
MaR: Errr...is that all?
LG: No. Don't let them kill you.
MaR: You're a conscientous Watcher, Mister Grant.
LG: I know, I know. But I take my job seriously.
(We see a montage of images; Mary in the market hits a vamp with a loaf of bread before staking; Mary jogs, catches up with a vamp, stakes it; Uses her hat to decapitate the old woman who glares at her as she throws it)
(Mary now sees a crowd running; Behind them is a floating, dark-eyed Rhoda)
RhM: Don't try and stop me, Mary!
(Mary looks concerned)
MaR: Rhoda? What's wrong?
(She screams out)
RhM: My Mother is coming to visit! My magic is never good enough for her, and I know she's going to try and fix me up!! AAAAHHHH!!!
(She floats by)
MaR: This happens every time Ida visits.
(Has her meeting back at the newsroom; Ted drones on)
TB: And in this reporter's opinion, Dracula should have been stopped at the border, where a routine check would have revealed he had no passport. Just what are our tax dollars going for, anyhow?
(Back at home, Mary sees Bess Lindstrom)
BL: My Mom and Dad left suddenly. They told me to give you this note, Aunt Mary.
(She opens it)
Mar: *Dearest Mary. Since you remain unmarried, you'll surely have time to take care of Bess while Lars and I are away for a year. Try 'not' to do that unladylike slaying in front of her. Toodles!*
(They both stare at note)
Mar: PHYLLIS!
Bess: Mom!!
(Frustrated, they go inside. Mary finds a letter)
Mar: Oh, it's from Angel in New Rochelle.
NEW ROCHELLE
(We see Angel enter his home. Sitting on the couch are Cordelia, Fred, Gunn, with Wes standing up)
ANNCR: The David Boreanz Show!
(The 'DVanD' Music plays; Angel trips over ottoman stool on floor, Everyone concernedly helps him up)
Anncr: With Charisma Carpenter, Alexis Denisof, Rose Marie and Morey Amsterdam!
(Gunn looks at screen)
Gunn: Do I look ANYTHING like either Buddy Sorell or Mel Brooks?
(Ep Title on screen) ARMAGEDDON PRETTY UPSET