A/N: Hi All. Thanks again for your patience as I try to tie up stories I've left hanging for too long. This is a long one and is decidedly less light than the previous chapter - but season 6 was stressful! This touches much of the season up to and including Paradise Lost.
Also; I don't know anything about how pensions work for the Air Force but in Paradise Lost they said they were considering replacements for the SG1 team leader so I'm assuming he was declared MIA and that must trigger something...
Regardless, Enjoy!
I had wanted to get together sooner but the next time I saw Jack he was not expecting me.
I tried getting in touch after Daniel had died. Seeing them together and knowing how important his team was to him I knew Jack would not handle this loss well. I tried calling and even swung by his house but each time the phone went to voicemail and the house was shuttered and dark. I assumed he would be throwing himself into his work; shutting down and focusing on 'Soldier Jack' had always been his escape in the past; I just hoped it would save him this time.
Nearly two months had passed until I finally managed to get a hold of him. He sounded better than I had expected and it did not take long for him to agree to meet me at the house to help go through the attic and then meet with the lawyer to finish signing the sale agreement. He had a trip coming up so we planned to get together that weekend and sign the papers early next week.
I feared something had happened when he did not show up on Saturday with no call or explanation. In the past I would have been angry over the lack of communication but as I sat alone in the attic, boxing up what remained of our shared life together I could not fight the feeling of dread building in the pit of my stomach.
My fear was confirmed Monday morning when I received a phone call from an uncharacteristically quiet and unsteady Samantha Carter. Jack was sick. Very sick. So sick he might not make it and so sick that he was confined to the base infirmary and I wouldn't be able to see him. Sam was vague and had no words of comfort as my heart twisted in pain. I asked her if I could at least speak to him and her voice cracked with emotion as she explained he had actually lapsed into a coma.
I hung up the phone numbly with Sam's broken insistence that they weren't giving up on him ringing in my ears. I knew Jack was a fighter but the resignation in Carter's voice did not give me much reason to be hopeful.
That night I went to Charlie's grave by myself and cried for both of "my boys" until Greg came to bring me home. If he ever felt any resentment as I grieved for my life before him, he never showed it and my love for him only grew.
For weeks each time the phone rang I assumed it would be Major Carter informing me that Jack had finally succumbed to his illness. The call never came and the box labeled 'Jack?' moved from the attic of the house on Cranbode Lane to the garage of Greg's, and now my, house on Maple.
I had been there for a couple of weeks when the phone rang late at night. I almost didn't pick it up until I realized it was Jack's number on the caller ID.
"You're okay?" I asked with out preamble.
"I'm back." Was his ambiguous and flat reply. He vaguely explained it had been close but some alien allies had managed to do what earth medicine couldn't. His voice was distant and strained but not by illness. Something else had gone on that he wasn't telling me.
He didn't answer when I pressed, but his request told me more than I needed to know, "Sara, could you...just talk...for a little while?"
"What?"
There was the sounds of shuffling and uneven breathing on the other end of the line. Jack's words were stilted, as if he struggled to say them, "Do you remember, after...after Iraq? When I couldn't sleep?"
"Jack..." My breath caught in my throat. Of course I remembered. He would lay down beside me, but never touching and completely still until some time in the middle of the night he would leave and I would find him watching late night infomercials with a thousand yard stare. There were other times when he would just move to the floor, lying with his back pressed against the wall. I became so desperate to reach through to him and keep him in the bed that I would have long, one sided conversations talking about the most inanely trivial goings on in my day and about the neighborhood. To my surprise that seemed to be what lulled him to sleep. For nearly two months he wouldn't relax until I had spent nearly an hour rambling about grocery lists and PTA meetings.
We never talked about it and for him to invoke those memories now...
"Do you want me to come over?" I offered quietly.
The pause on the other end of the line was long before finally "No. No. Just...Just talk?"
I nodded even though he couldn't see me, and blinked away the tears in my eyes. "Okay," I agreed, "Just lay down and I'll hang up if you fall asleep, okay?"
"Okay."
So I told him about my day at the shop, about Greg's kids, Jason and Megan and their extra curricular activities, about the neighbor's new dog and the absent minded mailman. I talked about the hassle of the DMV and the new plants I bought. I even talked about the new episode of my favorite sitcom. I reached for anything that seemed mundane and simple and peaceful.
Eventually all I heard on the other end of the line was steady breathing so I whispered "Good night Jack." As my finger was pressing on the end call button I thought I heard a whispered, "Thank you" through the speaker.
3 more times over the following weeks I received similar calls late at night. The first time Greg hadn't been at home but he was for the subsequent calls and I worried about his thoughts as I would leave our bed to spend an hour talking to my ex. I needn't have been concerned; I had been completely honest about Jack's and my relationship and Greg had simply said he felt sorry for Jack and all he had lost. With more understanding than I ever could have asked for, Greg actively encouraged me to keep him in my life.
That's when I knew for sure I had chosen well and when Greg proposed I did not hesitate to say yes.
By that point Jack's late night calls had ceased. I did try to tell him only to be thwarted by timing again and again, only reaching his voicemail each time I called.
Somehow he must have found out because a few weeks after the engagement I received a simple 'Congratulations' card in the mail with a cartoon fisherman on the front and the line "Looks like you hooked a keeper!" There was no personal note, just the initial -J scrawled in his distinctive script. Greg laughed out loud when he read it and put it on the mantle with our other notes of encouragement and congratulations.
I busied myself with wedding preparations and being step-mom to two preteens and all thoughts of Jack slipped to the recesses of my mind until one day he was on the 6 o'clock news. I caught only a glimpse out of the corner of my eye and turned up the volume, knowing that Jack's classified work was unlikely to land him on television. My jaw slacked open as he was reported as the assassin of the senator in DC a few days previous.
I knew Jack and I refused to believe it; something else had to be in play. I tried to call his house and was unsurprised when I was unsuccessful. Determined, I tried calling the base. It took me nearly 2 hours but through some stretching of the truth and a very green Lieutenant I finally managed to get patched through to Major Carter.
"It's not true." I immediately launched.
"I know." Sam agreed, not bothering to ask what I was talking about. "But it doesn't look good. There are witnesses and supposed evidence and he has no alibi."
I shook my head in disbelief, "Sam, I'm telling you, I don't care what evidence there is. I know Jack. He didn't do this."
Sam let out a long slow breath, "I know Sara. I feel the same way. But you also don't really know what he's capable of. He has done things in the past that even he has classified as 'damned distasteful'. The evidence against him is going to be hard to overcome."
"Sam...Major Carter." I tried to put as much steel into my voice as possible, "I may not know that side of him but I know him and unless he was under direct orders with a damned good reason there is no way he did this. He may be capable of a great many dark things but cold blooded murder is not one of them. AND if he did have orders and a damn good reason I would expect you to keep him from languishing in some jail cell. He deserves more than that."
Sam was quiet for a long time on the other end of the line before, "I know. And I promise you. We will fix this."
Still less than satisfied I let her go and prayed that I was right.
A week later Jack was again on the news looking distinctly uncomfortable and shaking the hand of the apparently alive senator. I knew better than to expect a more specific explanation than the vague account Kinsey gave but I did send Sam a simple Thank You card.
I decided enough was enough and it was past time to see Jack in person but yet again my voicemails went unanswered.
In fact all my messages went unanswered for nearly a month even eclipsing our annual anniversary again. This time I didn't fret or get mad. Instead Greg and the kids came with me to visit Charlie and I surprised myself by how much I enjoyed telling them about the stepson/brother they would never know.
Life moved on and I had become so used to not knowing what was happening with Jack it that I didn't worry until one day Greg grimly held up an official looking notice from the Air Force.
Jack had been declared MIA and sufficient enough time had passed that as his beneficiary I was eligible to begin drawing from his pension.
I gaped at the letter. First he nearly dies of some disease, then something unspeakable happens that obviously had shaken him, then he's framed for murder and now he was MIA? It hardly seemed right and I wondered if perhaps he was taking greater risks with his life as some result of Doctor Jackson's passing. Regardless the reason, it hardly seemed fair when contrasted with the happily ever after that was playing out in my own life.
I had been to a therapist long enough after Charlie died that I knew grief could manifest itself in many ways but that didn't stop the anger building up in my mind.
-All I wanted was to be happy and move on but I couldn't because Jack kept making me worry about him!
-How dare he be so selfish as to leave all these people behind who cared about him!
-How dare he be so reckless with his own life!
-I wasn't his wife; I shouldn't have to be receiving MIA notices from the Air Force!
-If he wanted me to know how dare he not have the decency to let me be informed in person!
-And his pension?! Why would I want that? Blood money from the organization that took a good man and twisted him into some sacrificial, cynical, dark, self flagellating...
-Who is the Air Force to send people off to alien planets? What right do they have to order anyone to take those kinds of risks over and over again.
-MIA...What is MIA other than official double speak for 'We left him behind'...again.
-Damn the Air Force.
-And Damn Jack for staying in the Air Force and taking their orders and agreeing to their insanity and for making me worry about him when I just want to be worried about floral arrangements, bridesmaid dresses and that Jason is getting a C in his math class.
For a week I seethed over the letter and I was in a constant state of smoldering anger and frustration which flared each time I thought of Jack or saw anything that reminded me of him.
The anger finally boiled over when I again happened to be in his neighborhood and for the first time in a long time his truck was in the driveway.
Without thinking I swerved into the space next to it and strode to the door, knocking angrily.
A surprised Samantha Carter opened the door.
"Where is he?" I ground out, not waiting for a welcome.
Sam pointed stiffly down the hall. I could hear her calling after me as I entered the bedroom but I ignored her and followed the sound of running water.
"JACK O'NEILL!" I shouted entering the ensuite bathroom and throwing open the shower curtain.
The target of my ire stumbled in surprise. Belatedly I realized he was balancing mostly on one leg as his right thigh was wrapped in a bandage and covered in a protective plastic bag.
He instinctively made to cover himself and then halted his hands, uncertainty on his face.
I rolled my eyes, ignoring his discomfort as my anger was not diminishing, "We're you going to tell me you were alive?"
Finding his voice he ground out, "I thought I might take a shower first."
I just crossed my arms, annoyed as he continued to cup his hands in front of himself.
"Oh will you stop it," I gestured, "It's nothing I haven't seen before."
Grinding his teeth and taking a deep breath Jack glared at me but made a show of removing his hands and continuing to scrub the shampoo that was sudsing up his head.
"So...Sara, long time no see." He broke the tense silence conversationally as if it were completely normal having his ex-wife barge in on him while he was in the shower.
I refused to be derailed and put all of my anger into my glare, "Do you want to know HOW I knew you were MIA Jack?"
He shrugged, not giving an answer nor was I waiting for one, "The Air Force accounting department sent me a nifty little letter with instructions on how to begin accessing your pension."
He raised his eyebrows, "Do I have any money left?"
"JACK!" The fact that he was not taking my anger seriously only fueled my frustration.
"What?" He bit back.
He shut off the water I sat back on the closed toilet seat as he hobbled out of the shower and wrapped himself in a towel. I noted he was well tanned and thinner than I had seen him previously but nothing unhealthy. Aside from whatever was wrong with his leg and a few scars that were new to me, he seemed to be fine. Relief I hadn't realized I had been waiting for coursed through me and I dropped my arms from where they had been crossed over my chest.
I suddenly felt drained and my exhaustion crept into my voice, "We haven't been married for the better part of a decade and we see each other barely once a year. Why am I still your beneficiary anyway?"
He shrugged, "Who else?"
I closed my eyes and ignored the pang of sympathy the question shot through me.
"I don't know Jack. One of your team members, friends, maybe Cassie? Or donate it."
He looked at me steadily, "Why does it bother you?"
"I don't want it." I stated simply. I was too exhausted by my anger and relief and confusion to bother trying to articulate the conflicted feelings I had about the Air Force and it's money.
His brow was drawn up in bemusement and his words were sincere. "No one else has had to deal with the consequences of my commision more than you. If I'm not around to collect it of course it should go to you."
"I don't want it Jack." I repeated. "If something happens to you..." I looked down and bit my lip. "I don't want some monthly deposit in my bank account reminding me about it. Just...I can't, Jack."
He sighed, running a hand through his hair and sending wet droplets everywhere.
"You gave up a lot each time we moved bases and then you stopped working when Charlie was born. I know you don't have a strong retirement set up and you never requested any alimony. I just want to know you'll be okay."
"I'm getting married." I blurted out.
Jack's eyes flashed but he quickly transitioned into a smirk, "I know."
"You don't need to take care of me anymore."
I hadn't meant to say it in a derisive tone but I knew I hadn't been careful enough when the smirk left his face and his eyes hardened.
I looked away and in the silence realized what an awkward position we were in.
I heard Jack sigh and shuffle and I looked up at the sound of ripping tape and watched as he peeled the protective plastic off the bandage on his leg.
"You're okay?" I asked quietly.
He nodded, not looking up, "I'm okay." He confirmed quietly.
I tried to mend whatever my prior comment had done, let him know I still cared, "Maybe next time could you get someone to tell me in person that you're in trouble so I don't have to get a note from the Air Force?"
He looked back at me, pain still in his eyes but he nodded, "Sure."
"Or there could just not be a next time." I amended. "In case you hadn't realized that was an option..."
The corners of his lips tipped up, "I'll try my best."
Our eyes held for a silent moment until I stood, opening the bathroom door, "Okay. Well. You're back. And fine. So I'll just..."
"Sara," He stopped me. "Wait in the kitchen or something, will ya?"
I nodded my agreement and walked down the hall to find Sam in the kitchen busying herself putting away a bag full of groceries and tending to something on the stove.
It seemed so oddly domestic that I wondered if the loss of Daniel Jackson had brought about a change in their relationship. I immediately amended my thoughts as I recalled Jack's anger 2 years ago when I had questioned if they would dare defy regulations. Of course the death of someone close can change priorities and even if nothing had changed I suspected that Sam was just as shaken up as I was by Jack's rough year. Perhaps their precious honor allowed for some bending of the rules when a teammate needed something more than a 2IC or a CO.
I blushed when I saw her look at me curiously and I dismissed my wonderings.
"I heard he was MIA but didn't know he was back. I guess I was just a little overcome." I tried to explain my previous actions.
"Tell me about it." Sam agreed sympathetically.
"Bout what?" Jack asked entering behind me, leaning on a cane and dressed casually in baggie khakis and a midnight blue sweater that was about two sizes too big.
I shook my head, "Are you ever going to buy clothes that fit?"
Sam smirked but hid her face in the depths of the fridge.
Jack looked down at himself, "What? This fits!"
I just shook my head knowing I had lost this particular battle long ago and that I was no longer in a position to buy clothes for him. He shrugged and glanced at the stove, disappointment on his face.
"Carter...?"
She stood up and followed his gaze before looking back to him, "I promised Janet that if she let you go I'd make sure you ate healthy."
"I've had nothing but greens and fish for a month! How much healthier could I get? What I need is a little Chinese take out." He pouted.
"You can have whatever you want after I leave but for now I'm going to follow orders and you're going to have chicken breast with brown rice and broccoli...Sir." She belatedly tacked on the honorific and didn't bother looking at him as she slid the chicken in to the oven.
"What about *my* orders?" He crossed his arms.
Sam looked up with a raised eyebrow, "I don't think you can order me to call for take out, sir."
"Wanna see me try?" He muttered under his breath as he moved to the counter and flicked through a rather large stack of unopened mail.
He sighed, "Teal'c? Jonas?"
Sam shook her head, "Teal'c is occupying Jonas by teaching him to drive. He said he'll be over later but we figured you might not be up for a whole team thing tonight."
Jack nodded in agreement, "Yeah. Not sure I could handle Jonas' enthusiasm at the moment."
"Jonas?" I asked.
Jack nodded, leaning against the counter, "New team member." He grimaced, "Good man but wet behind the ears doesn't even begin to describe him."
Sam chuckled, "He's not that bad sir."
"Carter," He shook his head, "I've never met a more enthusiastic person in my life."
"Why is enthusiastic bad?" I questioned.
"It's exhausting." Jack griped, shoulders slumping and dragging a hand down his face. "Smart, resilient guy, glad he's on the team...but I just can't handle him right now."
I smiled even as I noticed how tired Jack really did appear.
Sam must have noticed it too, "Sir, Janet also said you should stay off that leg for a couple of days. Why don't you go lay out on the couch. We'll bring dinner out when it's done."
He paused, eyes flicking between the two of us before relenting and turning for the living room tossing over his shoulder, "Don't be shy about using the phone to call for take out if you change your mind Carter."
She rolled her eyes and muttered a barely audible, sarcastic, "Yes, sir." as she dumped broccoli into the pot on the stove.
Watching his retreating back I looked back to Sam, "I would never want to question his doctor but he did look like he's lost weight, if he really has just been eating greens and fish a little bit of fattening up might not be so bad."
Sam smiled, "I know. That's why Teal'c is bringing cake when he comes over."
I grinned, "Ahh. Well that will be well received."
"Yeah, I don't think even Janet could have dissuaded Teal'c. He was insistent it was the only appropriate way to acknowledge the Colonel's return." She smirked, again busying herself.
I leaned against the counter, "Where was he?"
Tension that hadn't been there before crept into her face and her grin faded, "He chased someone through a portal off world. We didn't know where he had gone or if he was still alive." She closed her eyes and took a deep swallow before looking back at me a small smile on her face, "Turned out he was fine and hadn't been transported too far away. It just took us too long to put the puzzle together."
The toll his disappearance had on the Major was plainly written across her face and I tried my best to offer a comforting smile. "Well you did. And he's in mostly one piece which is more than can be said for his previous missing stints."
Despite the amusement in my tone Sam flinched and she blinked quickly, turning her attention to unnecessarily stirring the rice.
Still unsure of myself with this woman who played such an important part in Jack's new life I hesitantly approached her but stopped myself short of putting a hand on her shoulder. "Sam?"
She shook her head and her breath stuttered as she kept her eyes averted, "It's just...It's been a tough...a real tough year."
I bit my lip and lowered my eyes to the floor. "I got that sense." I affirmed quietly.
she looked up at me and I shrugged, "I haven't seen him in a while but there were...phone calls...and what you've told me."
Sam nodded and looked in the direction of the living room, "It's been hard on all of us. Even Teal'c. But the Colonel..." She ducked her head, "It's just not fair for one person to have to go through it all."
I sucked in my cheeks, unsure if I truly wanted to ask what was on the tip of my tongue. "Sam, What happened?"
She swallowed and pressed one hand angrily to her eye, forcing away tears which had not yet made themselves apparent. When she first looked back at me she seemed so tired and fragile I was nearly compelled to wrap her in a protective hug.
Before I had the chance to move I watched as Major Carter replaced Samantha and her eyes darkened as her shoulders set.
"Daniel died." She began steadily with what I already knew. "While he was dying it became so clear to me that what's important is that you make sure the people you love know that you love them before it's too late. He was barely conscious when I finally told him how much he meant to me and when he left..." She looked down, "I've lost people before but none of them shook me up like that. I couldn't find my bearing but the Colonel just shut down. All he wanted to do was work. I thought we were a team, a family and it was as if he was going to let Daniel's death get in between everything else good we had."
I couldn't contain my gasp and Sam looked at me with startled and then understanding eyes. "I'm sorry..." She started but I shook my head prompting her to continue.
Over the next 20 minutes she told me how they had come to an unspoken understanding but then the Earth had again been in danger and Jack had taken on a dangerous mission to save the day and the agonizing window of time where they hadn't known if he had survived or not. And then something had happened and they had both nearly drowned. Immediately thereafter Jack had gotten sick and been taken away by their allies. She wouldn't get into details but somehow those allies had screwed up and he became a POW again. The haunted look in her eyes coupled with Jack's late night calls earlier in the year told me it had been bad. Very bad.
But as he once said, 'you can't keep a good dog down' and Jack had bounced back. Still not sparing any words to talk about anything that had happened or allowing it from anyone else he had again thrown himself into his work with relish. A tinge of something, pride maybe, tinged Sam's words as she talked about how he handled diplomatic and tense issues with a rarely before seen patience and sensitivity, even to those allies who were at fault for his POW stint. She said even the General mentioned he was acting as if Daniel were sitting on his shoulder, whispering in his ear. That over a series of missions and incidents he had proven that he didn't need to sacrifice himself to be a strong leader earning respect on Earth and elsewhere. However the responsibility was heavy and when he had finally received some much deserved leave and escaped to his cabin the whole thing with Senator Kinsey happened. Now this.
"And this time it was my fault. I should have stopped Maybourne..." Sam shook her head, "There have been so many points this past year when we could have lost him. Had he been anyone else we would have lost him. It would have been difficult before...but now? After Daniel? ...I don't think..." She bit her lip and looked away before meeting my eyes and wincing, "I'm sorry. You didn't really need to know all of this."
This time I did reach out and put my hand on her arm. "Maybe not." I gave a slight squeeze, "But I think you needed to talk about it. And I'm guessing I'm uniquely suited to understand how much it hurts you to see him hurt."
Her eyes widened slightly and she quickly looked away.
I pulled back my hand and wrapped my arms across my chest. "You know, Jack once told me about another difficult year you all had a few years back. Told me how he basically had to kill you at one point. I'm certain he never said anything but I can tell you it tore him up terribly."
She blinked back at me. "He told you that?"
"Sam..." I started carefully, "The first day I met you, after you were both in Antarctica?"
Sam nodded so I continued, "I told you he needed someone like you around. Even though he might never say it, he knows it too. I couldn't tell you how many times over the years he's told me that his team is the most important thing to him or how you all saved his life or how whatever happiness he has is because of you."
She stared at me in disbelief and I glanced at the doorway to make sure he wasn't close enough to overhear, "You're right, it sounds like it was a terrible year and it tears at me that Jack has to endure any more than he already has." I smiled, "But I know as long as he has you that he'll get his ass home and that he'll get through it."
Sam seemed frozen by my words so I moved past her to remove the chicken from the oven.
Sam snapped herself out of where ever her mind had taken her and together we wordlessly agreed our conversation was over and busied ourselves assembling the dinner on a tray and moved to the living room.
Unsurprisingly Jack was passed out on the couch, an old episode of the Simpsons playing quietly on the tv. Sam put the tray down and pulled the blanket from the nearby chair and draped it over him, hand lingering on his shoulder.
Jack stirred at the contact, brown eyes blearily peeking open, "Harry?" He mumbled.
"No, but thanks for that Sir." She smiled.
He blinked again.
"Go back to sleep Sir. You're home. Maybourne is with the Tok'ra."
"Sucks for him." He muttered turning his face back into the cushion.
"Yes, Sir." Sam smirked, amused.
She stepped back as Jack's breathing evened out and my heart settled knowing that even if he didn't have the type of happiness I had with Greg and Jason and Megan that he had something, even if it was convoluted and messy and unspeakable.
Sam and I shared an amicable dinner, neither one questioning the unspoken decision to leave the tv on and the demented comfort we both got from watching Jack's favorite cartoon punctuated by his soft snores. Shortly after the credits rolled we cleared our plates and I excused myself.
On my way to the car I nearly ran in to Teal'c carrying the largest cake box I had ever seen. "SaraO'Neill. It is good to see you." He greeted.
"Likewise." I replied. "Sam mentioned you would be bringing cake."
Teal'c's lips turned up, "I believe survival and reunification is something worth celebrating."
"Indeed it is Teal'c." I nodded seriously. "Indeed it is."