I stood, frozen in the middle of the living room, staring at my painting.
Oh my god. I painted Bella. A goddamn picture of Bella!
I gulped, wondering what the hell came over me.
I had painted a portrait of this girl, whom I barely knew, whom was just another girl, whom I was now harbouring something intense for.
I dropped to my knees. No, no, no. This wasn't fair. I couldn't do this to her. I didn't deserve her, not in the least. What the hell was I thinking?
Was I going to be friends with her? No, she wouldn't want that. And I couldn't offer her that either.
Bella needed someone special, someone genuine. She was so pure and good, she belonged in a place where I didn't. We were worlds apart, yet somehow I felt so close. The day before, walking around with her, talking to her about the smallest things truly broke my shell. She had invaded the space I had worked to hard to build. I had created a bubble of consciousness that only I could be in. There just wasn't space for anyone. But Bella shattered it, blew it to smitherines. With just the bat of an eyelash.
I felt like my head would explode with all this. I felt like my heart would crack my ribs. I didn't know what or who I was anymore. I didn't know what had happened or how it had happened so quickly. How could one girl, one lone girl annihliate me? How was it even possible? I knew for certain that this would only end badly.
I needed to spare both of us. Bella had completely, single handedly ruined me! I was at her mercy. I looked at my hands, pulling them to my face and running them through my hair.
How could I handle this? I hadn't anticipated such a thing. That's because I was being completely stupid. I could have avoided this situation completely! Yet, like the idiot I am, I hadn't recognised the warning signs. One day! I though incredulously. One day after a month of small banter to knock over that stupid barrier that I though was impenetrable.
I was breathing deep gusts of air, hyperventialting. I didn't know what to do.
As I stared at the girl on the canvas I grew increasingly frustrated. I had been stuck in a calm and lazy facade for the past six months. I had the pent up energy of a freakin race horse. I needed to move around, to use it up. But I just stared.
She should be with her real friends, not with someone unstable and broken like me. I had told myself over and over again. Yet I skated on across the paper thin ice.
I was now drowning.
Crap.
***
By morning, it had become clear.
I would have to let her go, for her own good.
I wouldn't taint her life, I wouldn't put her in that danger.
I wouldn't be selfish. I would do the right thing for once and spare myself the agony.
I was already in deep enough, if I didn't blow this shit open, I would be gasping for air sooner or later. I needed to detach myself, like I had learned to do so easily.
It had worked with Carlisle. We hardly talk, just a few words spared here and there. Professional. I would have to end my friendship with Bella. I had been walking to my car through the crisp morning air when I doubled over in pain. I clenched my fists, agony swelled through my insides.
Oh god. I felt like I was already drowning. I was flooded with an intense despair as I planned to let go of the most important part of my life. I was on my knees outside our house, I could feel the dew on the grass soak through my jeans. Why was life so cruel? I ran my hand through my hair, almost tugging it out with stress. How the hell was I going to pull this off? Calmly and aloofly. I chanted that in my head, hoping to get through the rest of the day without crumbling. I sucked in a deep breath and dragged my sorry ass to the car. I threw my backpack onto the seat and thrust the car into gear before roaring off down the driveway.
***
It was as clear to me as anything. It was my fault. I remembered those moments so precisely in my head. The moments when I was told my parents were dead. It was my fault. I was being punished, obviously. If I got close to anyone again, they would be taken from me. I just knew it, thats how the world worked. The bad people got punished sooner or later. I placed myself in that category. And from that experience, I knew that if it happened again, I would not live through it. It was impossible to suffer that much pain twice and survive. Physically and mentally impossible. And so, I did the right thing for once in my life. I gave her up.
I was sitting in my usual seat in the cafeteria, my eyes found her the moment she appeared in the room. I smiled, despite myself when she saw me. I prepared myself. But then again, how could one prepare themselves? When they were losing something? I certainly had no idea how to. She plopped down into the seat opposite mine.
I gulped and finally worked up the courage to look into her eyes. I started, she looked different. I shook it off. I needed to do this now, now, or I would never do it. "Bella," I began. "Edward, stop. I know what you're going to say. I'm fine, okay?" she said softly, holding her hand up to halt my words. "Thats not—" I paused. Thats when I fully gauged her features, the way she held herself. I raised my eyebrows. "Bella," I frowned. She groaned. I sighed. "Outside. Now." I ordered, surprised at how strong my voice was. Well, it needed to be, if I was going through with this. I stood up from the generic plastic chair I sat in everyday. I held my hand out, indicating that she go first.
She scowled then stood, walking out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. She stopped after a few steps, far enough away from the doors that no-one should hear us. "Listen, Bella—" She put her finger to my lips. I stopped, surprised and elated that she touched me. She looked down at her feet, thinking about her next words. She let out a gusty breath. "Bella? What's going on?" I asked. She bit her lip and looked up at me. There were tears lining her eyes, one streamed down her cheek. "Bella, what the hell is going on?" I whispered. "Why are you crying?" I felt her anguish as if it were my own. She sniffed and let out a little whimper. "I just—It's..." she took a deep, calming breath. "There's this guy. His name is Jacob."
My breathing stopped. Oh no. She was in love with some guy. I thought I might break down...again. I was so pathetic. I just stared at her, trying to comprehend. "I didn't tell you how I used to come here every Summer. Last year...something—happened." I frowned, my fingers twitching to reach out for her.
"What happened?" I breathed, my chest aching. More tears welled and spilled over. "He ruined my life!" she hissed. "Jacob?" I asked. She nodded, wiping at her eyes. They were red and her face was blotchy but I couldn't have cared less. She could have been bawling her eyes out and I would have still thought she was beautiful. I hadn't realised my hands were clenching and unclenching subconsciously.
They were knotted in tight balls at my sides. "What did he do?" I asked flatly. She sniffled and shook her head.
"He did things." Was all she said. My eyes widened. My stomach knotted and churned. I could feel a growl rumbling in my chest. Something feral and guttural.
I never knew I was capable of showing such fury—and so quickly. I had been intent on ditching Bella, but after finding this out—I had one intention, and one intention only.
Oh no he di'int! *snaps fingers* Loving the great in-flow (if thats even a word) of reviews. Love you guys! You are the sun on a cloudy day, the cherry on my sundae, the snake to my mongoose. :D