Sorry for the delay! It's not one of my best, but it was a difficult chapter. I'm just coming out of a Writer's Block, you know.

PART 12 – OH, HELLO, DAD.

'So, all in all, I kind of fursploded in front of your daddy. But don't worry, everything's just fine. He just nearly shot me with his jumbo gun. And oh, he's coming here to nearly shoot you, too.'

Everybody stared at Jacob for a moment, and then Bella lunged for him, because not even Mrs Meyer can stop Bella from being a real vampire, and not a fanged Mary Sue. But when the fight ceased, nobody was sure of how to handle the situation, except absolutely awesome Alice.

'Okay, Bella,' she said, walking over to her new sister. 'Put these contacts on.'

Bella stared at her. 'But… won't Charlie notice that my eyes are not as brown as they should? That I'm absolutely super hot? That suddenly I'm beautifully pale and I've got a child with my exact eyes and is exactly like Edward in female form?'

Alice shrugged. 'Pssht. Impossible. Now, you'll have to change the contacts in an hour or so – otherwise, the venom in your eyes will melt it.'

Bella stared at her. 'We have venom in our eyes?'

'Duh, Bella,' Rosalie rolled her eyes. 'We're perfect, remember?'

'But in our eyes?' she asked again, incredulous.

'DEATH GLARE!' screamed Emmett shaking his face and letting his tongue roll out. Alice shrieked and covered her face.

'Bad boy, Emmett,' Esme scolded him, hugging a whimpering Alice round her shoulders.

'And what will we tell Charlie of Renesmee?' Bella asked, turning to Edward.

'Don't worry, sweetheart, I've got everything covered,' he answered, winking at her.

Bella twisted her mouth. Should she trust him…? Yes, most definitely. After all, when had Edward failed her? She laughed at her own stupidity.

She left you pregnant with a mutant baby.

Okay… but it was a beautiful baby! Plus, she now had an excuse to play with Barbies once again after her terribly ruined childhood!

With their supersonic auditory senses, they could all hear Charlie's car even from a mile away. Alice turned to her not-mother.

'Okay, Esme, your turn. Teach Bella how to act human.'

Esme nodded solemnly. 'The trick, Bella, lies in sitting down when a human does.'

'Blink three times a minute,' Emmett added.

'Brush your hair,' Rosalie helped.

'Cross your legs,' Jasper said.

'Pretend to breathe,' Edward told her.

'Scratch your right leg,' Rosalie said.

'Move your toes.'

'Eat some boogies.'

'Lick your elbow.'

'Stare at your own nose.'

'Scratch your ass.'

'Don't eat Charlie.'

'Tiny human movements,' Esme nodded. 'If you can handle all of it, you'll succeed in looking perfectly normal.'

Suddenly, Jacob whispered in a hurry, 'Shut it, everyone, Charlie's here!'

And indeed, Bella's very human father was knocking the door so vehemently that Carlisle had to rush and open it before he knocked it down.

'Hello, Carlisle,' Charlie greeted stiffly. 'I thought you guys were in Atlanta?'

'Yes… well…' Carlisle smiled. 'We came back. Because… Bella passed from being almost-dead to extremely healthy and super hot overnight. And we didn't call you because… it was three in the afternoon. Maybe… you were having a nap. Like babies. Yes. And speaking of babies, Bella -'

'NO! NO!' Edward mouthed from behind, waving his arms madly.

'Erm, Bella…' Carlisle hesitated, looking desperate. 'She… wants a little brother.'

'WHAT?' Charlie exclaimed in surprise.

'No! No! Don't worry,' Carlisle soothed him. 'She says she'll wait until you find a very respectable woman. You have time. No pressure.'

'Where's Bella?' Charlie asked, and he pushed Carlisle aside to step into the house.

'Howdy, Daddy,' Bella smiled uncomfortably from the couch. She took a deep breath – and Charlie's scent invaded her nose, her mind, and her throat was burning, because Charlie's scent was intoxicating, delicious, extremely irresistible, tempting to such a point that it was almost too incestuous. Because of this, Mrs Meyer makes Bella to stop breathing, since she decides that necromancy and pedophilia are enough for a series without adding incest as well.

She stared at his expression as her father took in this new woman who was his daughter, and the feelings reflected in his face.

Shock. Disbelief. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Suspicion. Relief. Happiness. Uncertainty. Doubt. Curiosity. Arousal. More pain.

'Need to know, Charlie,' Jacob whispered in his ear.

Charlie nodded and turned to Edward. 'I want the truth.'

'Need to know,' Jacob whispered more eagerly.

'Oh, right,' Charlie frowned. 'So, then… I want… the half-truth. How are you, Bella?'

Bella opened her mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Jacob. 'No, Charlie, need to know.'

Charlie looked dumbfounded. 'So... er... are those new curtains?'

'No, need to know!'

'But I need to know something! Plus, those curtains look lovely!'

'I'm protecting you from what you don't want to know, remember?' Jacob said, shrugging.

'Okay, okay!' Charlie shushed him. 'Who's that midget?' he asked, pointing at Renesmee.

'Good evening, Charles,' said Renesmee, bowing her head. 'I am most delighted to be finally meeting you, but you should know that I left my analysis of the Da Vinci Code just to be here.'

'She's our adopted niece,' Edward told him, caressing Renesmee's head. 'The courts located me when my long-lost brother and his wife died in a car accident, making her an orphan.'

Charlie glared at him. 'I'M DONE WITH THE LIES, YOU BITCH.'

'Fine,' Edward rolled his eyes. 'Her parents were eaten by the Loch Ness Monster.'

'Oh my God, that's terrible!' Charlie wailed. He stared at Renesmee. 'She's so beautiful! And look, Bella, she has Edward's hair! And his nose! And your eyes! And my curls! Wait-'

'Need to know, Charlie.'

'Right…' he stared back at Bella. 'You're… different. Your eyes are different. You're pale. You're hot. You're hard. You're hot. You don't seem human. Something is very, very wrong.'

'SCORE! Go Riders!' Emmett exclaimed from the other side of the couch.

'But who cares anyway! GO RIDERS!'

'ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY SCORED IN HERE,' Emmett shouted loudly, wagging his eyebrows.

Bella frowned at her father. 'What? That's it? You're not gonna ask anything?'

Charlie's expression was blank. 'No.'

'No asking why I'm so sexy and sensual?'

'… No.'

'Or why this girl here looks like my daughter?'

'… No.'

'Or why, if she is my daughter, she looks like a two-year-old?'

'… No.'

'But why?' Bella shrieked desperately. 'It doesn't make any sense!'

'Duh, Bella,' Charlie shrugged. 'If I made more sense and actually seemed perturbed by all of this and asked for explanations, Mrs Meyer would have to write another hundred pages, and, seriously, who wants to read a hundred more pages of this crap?'

'Whatever. Can we get you anything to eat, dad?'

'Yeah, Edward,' Emmett said at the top of his voice, 'why don't you go and BUTTER her some MUFFINS?'

He winked several times with his mouth hanging open in a smile at the newlyweds. Bella glared murderously at him.

'No, thanks, Bella,' Charlie said indifferently, staring at the TV. 'I just had a hot dog.'

'I know about SOMEBODY who had hot dogs for dinner too!' Emmett exclaimed.

'I'll be going now, honey,' Charlie stood up and kissed Renesmee's forehead before walking to the door. 'Have a good night, Bells.'

'Oh, don't worry, Charlie, she'll certainly have a VERY good night!'

As soon as the door closed behind her father, Bella turned to Emmett.

'I shall have my revenge,' she muttered between gritted teeth.

Emmett smirked. 'I'll be waiting.'

'But the sun's going down, so right now sex is my top priority. Toodles, Cullens!'

And so, Bella and Edward spent their night having sex on the floor, three steps away from a very comfortable bed, because a hundred and six years of abstinence are not something to ignored – because while you do ignore them, three fantastic books are created, but when unleashed…

Literature is doomed.

It will take some days to write the next chapter. I'd tell you why, but... need to know.

Love, Me :3

PS: And for those of you who don't review...

*DEATH GLARE!*