Liara sat on the bed with a book in her lap next to the form a sleeping Shepard. The asari tried to focus on the novel in front of her but the words seemed to swim in her version and she could not make sense of them for the life of her. Finally in frustration she shut the book and put it on the nightstand next to her.
It was impossible to focus after the incident that had happened that morning. Shepard had broken down almost instantly after Joker had stormed out and Liara had taken it upon herself to comfort the Commander. She wasn't used to dealing with so many emotions from Shepard who was usually stoic regarding her own feelings. The Commander went through a fantastical array of reactions; first sadness and grief followed by anger which was immediately followed by wave after wave of guilt. The emotions eventually took a toll on her physical state and she collapsed into the dining room chair, shaking with emotional exertion.
At that moment Liara didn't know how to react and she hated herself for it. She put her hand on Shepard's back and made soothing noises but what good did that do? It didn't fix the life-altering decision that her love had made. It didn't fix her PTSD or her drinking problems or Joker's anger. She wished she could do something, anything to make the situation better. She was the Shadow Broker but all the information in the galaxy could do nothing to help the person she cared about the most.
As for Liara's emotions, the asari was normally a calm and rational person but what Joker did to Shepard made her angrier than she had been in a very long time. Part of her understood his raw, unbridled grief and emphasized with him but she could not stand by and let him attack Shepard like that. She couldn't even begin to imagine the tremendous emotional weight that the decision the Catalyst forced Shepard to make could have a person, even if that person was the strongest being she had ever met. Deep down Liara knew that Shepard had made the right decision, even though the costs with monumental. Like she had said to Joker, sacrifices had to be made.
Liara shook off her thoughts and glanced over at Shepard's sleeping form. She was so worried. It was the first time that Shepard had gone to sleep sober in a very long time. Right now the Commander was sleeping soundly but Liara knew that that stillness was an illusion. Who knows what imagined turmoil she was going through right now?
As if on cue, Shepard began to shake and cry out. The sounds emitting from her mouth started out as whimpering and soon escalated in intensity until she was screaming in terror. Liara sprung from the bed and crouched down next to Shepard's side and grabbed ahold of the Commander's shoulder and violently shook it. The human's eyelids fluttered open and she stared at Liara's worried face. But the expression on Shepard's face was an odd one; it was completely blank, as if she didn't see that Liara was in front of her.
"Shepard," Liara called, trying to wake her love from her dazed state. The Commander didn't respond and continued staring directly ahead with such intensity that Liara shuddered, knowing that Shepard was seeing something horrifying. She called the human's name out again and again there was no response.
As a final desperate attempt, Liara blackened her eyes and attempted to reach out to Shepard's mind. Usually when she and Shepard melded, Shepard's mind would reach out to hers and they would meet in the middle. This time there was nothing. It terrified Liara and she pushed herself to delve deeper into the human's mind.
Liara liked to think that she knew the layout and structure of Shepard's mind but what she saw was completely unfamiliar. The sky of the mind was a dark red color as opposed to the soft blue color she normally encountered. It reminded her of the color of human blood. Usually the structures within Shepard's mind were simple and resembled rolling hills and simple staircases. But these forms were twisted and prompted a memory in Liara's own mind about a human artist she had once read about. What was his name? Escher? She shook off the thought and ventured deeper, searching for any sight or sound of Shepard.
"Shepard" she thought. "I am here. Please, let me know that you're still here."
She waited a few moments before a muffle voice called out from within the human's mind. "Help me!" It wasn't Shepard's voice though. It belonged to a man, a man that she knew. "Help me." Another voice called out. Then another. And another. All crying for help. Some Liara knew but couldn't place the name of those who the voices belonged to no matter how hard she tried.
"I'm sorry," another voice whispered. Shepard.
Liara reached out her mind again, straining the remainder of her mental power to find the human. At last she picked up on a presence. Her intuition told her to go to the left. As she moved in that direction, a set of steps appeared in front of her. The asari began ascending the stairs, watching as each of the steps materialized as if they were rising up from the depths of hell.
When she reached the top, she saw Shepard who was standing with her back facing the steps. Liara started to move towards the woman but then she saw something that made her stop in her tracks. Shepard was surrounding by a crowd of people. At first it seemed that the people were formless and constantly changing. She saw a glimpse of Thane before the face transformed into that of Legion. Next to him was Ashley who became Anderson for a second before turning into EDI. One figure alternated between Mordin and Samara's daughter Rila. There were other faces that Liara didn't recognize; a girl with short black curly hair and dark skin, a little boy in a white hoodie, a woman in a short dress and high heels with long brown hair. The voices that she had heard before were continuing to resound, begging for help.
She pulled her focus away from the ever-changing faces and moved to examine Shepard's. This face, unlike the one outside of the mind, was full of emotion too painful to put into words. It was a face of someone who lived in constant torment and she could not stand to see that expression on her love's face. With her very last bit of strength, Liara pushed through the crowd filled with unforgettable faces and pulled Shepard tightly to her. One by one, the members of the crowd faded away, taking the voices with them.
The world inside Shepard's mind faded away and soon the two lovers were back in the hotel bedroom with Shepard laying on the bed and Liara crouching at her side. Their eyes shot open and both moved to grab their heads which were now pounding as a result of the mental exertion. Shepard looked up at Liara and gave a weak smile. "Thanks," she said shakily.
Liara returned the smile for a moment before crossing over and sitting back down on the bed. She scooted closer to Shepard who sat up and laid back in the asari's arms.
"Are you okay?" she asked Shepard before quickly shaking her head. "No, of course you are not okay. What I saw in your mind, I can't begin to imagine the toll that it is taking on you. I'm so sorry that-"
"No." Shepard looked up at Liara and shook her head. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. It's no one's fault but mine. I caused-"
"Stop." Liara countered. "I feel like we keep repeating the same conversation over and over and nothing ever gets resolved or changed."
"That's not true," Shepard argued, slightly pulling out of the asari's embrace and propping herself with one hand.
"Yes it is." Liara countered. "Something needs to change. I am trying to help you but I know that I am not doing a very good job. You need something else." A thought flickered across her face. "Have you been taking your medication?"
"I, uh, I guess I-" the Commander began but quickly cut off her excuse when she saw the expression on Liara's face. "No. I haven't. Not since we got to Illium."
Liara stood up abruptly, causing Shepard to lose her balance and fall face down onto the bed. "Ow, what the fuck?" Shepard complained. Liara spun around to face the bed and looked directly at the marine.
"Where are they?" she asked.
"I don't remember. Probably still in my bag of things from the hospital." She had barely finished her sentence before Liara was halfway across the room, digging through the bag. The asari opened the bag and dug around the unpacked clothes and papers before emerging triumphantly with a pill bottle. She held it up to the light for inspection and was disappointed, but still unsurprised, that it was sealed and full. A quick movement and the plastic seal broke. Liara tipped the bottle into her hand and produced a single small, white tablet. "Take it," she demanded.
"I can't take it without water." Liara turned on her heels and disappeared into the bathroom before emerging a few seconds later with a plastic cup full of tap water and handed it to Shepard unceremoniously. The Commander hesitated for a moment before popping the pill in her mouth and following it with a drink of the water. She handed the now empty cup back to Liara. "Now what?"
"What do you think is the next step?"
"I dunno," Shepard answered. "What's the path of a crazy person?"
Liara's mouth tightened at the phrase. "Why would you call yourself that? You're not crazy."
Shepard gave a small laugh in response. "I'm coping with self-deprecating humor."
"Can you find a coping strategy that's a little less…self-loathing? Please?"
"I guess I can." Shepard heaved a sigh before shaking her head. "God I'm so good at coming up with battle strategies and tactical commands but when it comes to plans for my emotional wellbeing, well." Her voice trailed off and she cleared her throat. "I guess I should see someone. A therapist. Somebody like that. But I'm not exactly thrilled about it."
"I would not expect you to be. What exactly are you dreading about therapy?" Liara sat back down on the bed and moved her hand to rest on top of Shepard's and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"Dreading. Now there's a good word. I just," Shepard paused, trying to choose the right words for her feelings before continuing. "I don't want to explain my story to someone brand new who only knows about what I've done and gone through from the Extranet. That's the reason why I like talking to you or Garrus so much. You guys get it."
Liara shook her head and gave a smile. "I would not identify myself or Garrus as people who are particularly good with feelings. But I can understand where you are coming from. The only problem is finding a therapist who you could have that connection with. "
An idea sprung into Shepard's head. "What about Chakwas? I know the hospital put her in charge of my medication but-"
"She's not a therapist or a psychologist. She does not have any training in that field, Shepard."
"But she's a friend. And she knows what I've gone through and," she swallowed to release the tightness in her throat. "She knows about my diagnosis. That's good enough for me."
Liara thought for a moment and then nodded. "That sounds good enough for me as well. I will contact her and see if she is good enough condition to see you." A pause before she continued. "I do not want to pry but I saw some people in your mind that I did not recognize; two women and a boy. Who were they?"
"I really don't want to talk about it," Shepard began but soon stopped and shook her head. "No. I will talk about it. The boy was the boy I saw die back on Earth. The one that became the catalyst. The beautiful girl with the dark skin was my first girlfriend, Katie. The one that was killed in the police shootout. And the woman with the brown hair was my mother. The one I never met. The one I killed."