GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER.John sat up.
STRIFE!
John hit the imp repeatedly with the sledgehammer handle. He was winning! The imp had about half-life left. And then the imp went on the aggressive, hitting John hard with the bunny. It proceeded to wave the damn thing in front of his face. Just PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX!
Rose used her umbrella, expelling all the other items out of her sylladex. She regathered the items, leaving the rather magnetic w stuck to the transformer and began the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.
JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON! John sat up again.
STRIFE! AGAIN!
John picked up the sledgehammer head behind him, expelling one of the harlequin statuettes and hitting the imp. He picked the statuette up again, expelling the telescope and hitting the imp. He picked up the telescope again, expelling the towel, which did nothing. He picked up the towel again, expelling the Cruxite totem. The imp deflected the totem and it hit John, flying into the box John had gotten from Dave. He picked up the totem again, expelling the PDA. It hit the imp and bounced off. John ran up the side of the wall and leaped, catching the PDA midair with a Sweet Catch!, expelling the sledgehammer head, which hit the imp and killed it immediately.
There was a huge windfall of grist on the floor. The bunny, covered in slime and dirt, sat happily on top of a green captchalogue card. Oh, and grist restored life too, apparently. John picked up the grist, receiving 32 build grist and 10 shale, which was the purple grist type.
YOU SAID
PUT THE BUNNY
BACK IN
THE BOX!
The bunny went into the box and came out the other side as the flaps flopped open on the back. Now why couldn't he have put the bunny back in the box?
NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS ARE YOURS.
The amazing victory allowed John to climb his echeladder two rungs, going from being a Greentike to a Juvesquirt to a Plucky Tot. His gel viscosity went up by 15 and his cache limit went up by 30. The mysterious feather in his intangible hat turned pink and white, and he received 125 boondollars, which he wasted little time in storing in his ceramic porkhollow. In having expanded his cache limit, he'd made room for all that nice grist he'd just collected.
WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD. The card? Oh, the green captchalogue card. Actually, it appeared to be a bunnykind strife specibus. The imp had allocated its specibus to allow for wielding the bunny. It was sort of a stupid thing to use as a weapon, but he grabbed it anyway and stuck the bunny in his strife deck. It would at least be safer there. He grouped the two specibi (bunnykind and… handlekind? In breaking the sledgehammer, his specibus had changed) in his strife portfolio. No self-respecting strifer would be caught dead without one.
GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER. John picked up the sledgehammer handle, expelling the useless harlequin figurine. Oh, that was odd. In changing the strife specibus to handlekind, the specibus had expelled the hammer head.
NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER. John merged the pieces of the sledgehammer in his sylladex, repairing the hammerkind specibus in the process. The smaller hammer handle was ejected from the strife deck, since of course handles of any sort no longer belonged in there. Obviously.
FINE. NOW WHAT Dave was pestering him, but John didn't have time to deal with his nonsense right now. Something was amiss in his room. He couldn't quite put his finger on it…
Rose turned on the backup generator and entered the mausoleum, dragging the cord along with her. It of course would have been foolish to run the generator inside a confined space. Generator safety was everyone's business.
She knocked Jaspers' coffin off his pedestal, defiling the tomb in the process.
"Sorry Jaspers," she said quietly. "I had to make space for the laptop. Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should've decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a small, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin for infants.
She plugged in her computer and connected to the internet again. Predictably, everything fell out of her sylladex, but she wasn't about to get bent out of shape about it. She had bigger fish to fry. It seemed as though Dave had noticed that she was online again. He pestered her like clockwork. Oh, and there was John. Whatever could he have been up to?
THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE DOOR. Oh yeah, you're right. Hadn't Rose yanked the door of its hinges and set it on his bed? Someone (or something) had put it back and left it slightly ajar.
INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE. John pulled on the door handle. Immediately, a bucket of water fell onto John's head, lowering his prankster's gambit. There was a fairly loud "Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" In front of John stood, or rather, floated, his Nanna as a jester sprite thing.
Both Rose and Dave were pestering him, but John needed to interrogate his dead grandmother
In the meantime, Rose and Dave were having a conversation:
TG: oh there you are
TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.
TG: oh well thats a relief
TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now
TT: Working on it?
TG: yeah my bros copy long story
TG: hey
TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever
TG: or semi-semi ironic
TG: man i dont even know
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up
TT: I've seen his websites.
TT: I like them.
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that
TG: with those dead eyes jesus
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out
TT: Interesting...
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream
TG: youre going to have a field day with that
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.
TG: yeah im gonna get moving
TG: oh have you heard from john
TG: hes not answering me
TT: He won't answer me either.
TT: But I am watching him.
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.
TG: hahahahaha
TG: alright im out
TG: later
"Um... nanna?" John asked cautiously.
"Yes, dear!" Nannasprite replied.
"Wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!" He said in relief. Nannasprite smiled, or would have, if sprites could smile.
"Hoo hoo hoo!" She laughed.
"Well, I guess it was a really great prank. Good one, Nanna. Anyway, are you really my dead Nanna?"
"Of course, John. I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!" she replied with a short laugh.
"Ok, I guess I'll take your word for it. I don't remember you at all! My Dad said you were really young when I died. Hey, speaking of which, do you know where he is? I looked everywhere for him!"
"Your father," said Nannasprite slowly and with an air of urgency, "was kidnapped!"
"Oh no!" John cried.
"When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here was awakened," she said.
"Okay," John said, a bit confused, "So what's this Medium you're talking about?"
"It is where we are now!" Nannasprite answered enthusiastically. "It is a realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe."
"You mean, because we're in a computer, or in the game software or something?" John asked, perplexed.
"A computer?" Nannasprite asked, an expression of confusion prominently displayed upon her face. "What is that, dear? Some kind of new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?"
"Well, uh…" John began. "It's like this machine, um…" He was having difficulty explaining the computer. "It's a machine that, uh…"
Nannasprite laughed. "Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg. Hoo hoo hoo!"
"Oh, ok," John said, relieved that he didn't have to explain the concept.
"No, John," Nannasprite shook her head. "You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!"
"I'm not sure I get it," John said slowly, "but alright. So what do I actually have to be doing here?"
Nannasprite sighed. "I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!"
NANNASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.
NANNASPRITE: Legend holds that Skaia exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!
NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.
NANNASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!
"Wait, me?" John asked in surprise.
NANNASPRITE: Yes, you, John!
NANNASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall theSprite's previous incarnation, which resulted from its Kernel's "hatching".
NANNASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of Kernels, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch!
NANNASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an Orb atop a Spire, of which there are three others in kind.The Four Spires are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective Sovereign Powers!
NANNASPRITE: And once the Kernels are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil.
NANNASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!
A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN. ⇒ "Wow, really?" John asked aloud in awe. "Then what's the point?"
NANNASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle!
"Whoa!" John said.
NANNASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills!
"How am i supposed to get up there?" John asked her.
NANNASPRITE: You build!
⇒!"Ok, I think I get it now!" John said. "So I guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? Well, I don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then I can save my Dad!"
"Yes, John!" Nannasprite exclaimed.
"And then after that," John continued excitedly, "we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save Earth from destruction!"
"Oh no, I'm afraid not!" Nannasprite said with a shake of her spritely head.
⇒?
"Your planet is done for, dear!" Nannasprite said sadly, "There is nothing you can do about that!"
"Oh…" John trailed off.
"Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!" His Nanna said excitedly.
"And that is?" John asked.
"HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!"
YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT.
"John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed," Nannasprite said. If she could have put her hand on his shoulder, John thought, she would have.
"Thanks, Nanna," John replied.
"You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!"
"Hooray!" John cried.
"I am going to go bake you some cookies," Nannasprite said.
"..." John didn't reply.
THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES. PURSUE HER. Oh God dammit, that was just what John needed. More baked goods.
JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM John totally abjured the hell out of that idea, shaking his head furiously He was so busy, abjuring, in fact, he didn't even notice that Rose had been trying to pester him the entire time.
Rose picked up Dave's birthday box and gave John a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he was undeterred. That was some fit he was throwing!
She decided to take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale. It also behooved her to record her thoughts on these latest developments in her GameFaq Walkthrough/Journal. It could be hard finding time to update it. Actually, in retrospect, she wasn't even sure were she'd found the time to write what was already there.
"Oh, is that so, Jaspers? And just who do you think you're looking at with that smug grin?" The last thing she needed was sass from a dead cat. It was pretty much all his fault she was in the current mess, so he could just button it.
JOHN. COOKIES. NOW. John refused outright.
THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE. GO GET THE COOKIES! Well, when you put it so politely, how could John decline.
JOHN YOU ARE STUPID. And you really need to work on your manners.
STUPID STUPID DUMB That's not a command. It's… it's nothing! It's stupid. You're stupid.
FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy It's just not going to happen buddy.
Years in the future, but really not enough to write home about, an agitated finger slipped mid-keystroke, turning Caps Lock off.
A compartment behind WV (Wayward Vagabond) opened, revealing a potted plant, a variety of food cans, and a book on human etiquette. WV picked up the items in excitement, surprise, and joy. What an amazing gift!