A/N: Thank you to those who sent well wishes and positive vibes – you're all lovely. Life is just real shit sometimes. I went to my best friend's house and cried, she bought me a cheeseburger and a care bear to cheer me up...then I drank WAY too much vodka and passed out...then in the morning I went for like a 10km run...in the rain...I don't even know...

Anywaaaaay...I feel like we haven't been in Emily's head as much...so strap yourselves in...not in that way...dirrty perverts... :P

Emily Fitch couldn't lie.

She could say words she knew to be untrue. Tell people she felt things that she didn't. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was her eyes. They would always betray her.

She'd try to keep her voice tight and her expression flat but her eyes wouldn't lie, no matter how much she needed them to.

Which was ironic because she had been lying her whole life.

She lied to Katie about liking the same things as her. Being the same. Because Katie needed the lie.

She lied to her family about being gay. Growing up she pretended to be interested in boys and not stare too obviously at other girls. Never voicing her true feelings.

She lied to the whole world. Even herself for a while.

And she knew it was obvious. She knew that if anyone was really looking hard enough they would see it. They would see it in her eyes.

She couldn't help but feel incredibly sad that nobody had cared enough to actually look any closer. To see the doubt in her eyes. The fear at being found out. The pain of having to lie in the first place.

Either they couldn't be bothered or they didn't want to. They didn't want to see who she really was because they knew they wouldn't like what they saw.

She didn't know which was worse.

Her whole life people either didn't care enough or didn't want to see it.

Except Naomi.

Naomi had seen it.

Naomi had seen her.

The only person Emily had ever really wanted to.

And now it was all fucked up.

Emily had always been the sensitive one. That's what her mum always said. When she'd come home from school crying about the kids calling her names her mum would fuss over her, muttering about how sensitive she was. Too sensitive. How she wore her heart on her sleeve. How worried she was for her. Worried she'd get hurt.

Emily was always so open. So hopeful. So willing to believe the best in people. Some people thought it naive and even stupid, but Emily had always been proud of the way she saw the good in the world.

It hadn't always been easy.

When she was younger the other kids called her names and made fun of her because they thought she was weird. Because she liked to stare at clouds and see stories in them, and stay inside at lunch to talk to her teachers. It only got worse when she became a teenager, the other girls couldn't relate to the quiet girl who liked to read instead of chase boys. Especially Katie. But Emily's faith in the world had never wavered.

Because she believed.

In love and goodness and happy endings.

So even when a scowling blue-eyed blonde would knock her down she'd get right back up every time because she knew what they had. What they were. What they could be.

She believed in them.

But now she understood why her mother had worried.

Because people fuck you over.

You have to protect yourself as much as possible because they will kick the fucking shit out of you and leave you gasping for breath, barely hanging on.

And Emily realised she had left herself far too vulnerable her whole life. She had been far too willing to hold her heart in her hand and show it to the world.

So now she realised the flipside of her hope and openness.

Pain.

Naomi had done it again. Making Emily think that she wanted to be with her. Letting her in. Lighting that fire in her again. And Emily had been so willing. So willing to open herself completely to her. And then the blonde pulled away and told her that she couldn't.

And Emily was left feeling like Naomi had taken her heart that she'd held out to her and stomped all over it.

She would have been able to understand Naomi needing space to figure herself out. But Naomi didn't even fight for her. Didn't tell her that she loved her. She just watched her walk out the door.

And part of her was thankful. Because now she knew that all that true love and forever stuff was bullshit. It didn't exist in the real world. Only in movies and books and the minds of naive redheads.

And Emily would never make that mistake again.

She was going to be different now. Stronger. Nobody was going to be able to hurt her again.

And she wasn't going to lie about who she was anymore. For real this time.

At the end of summer she had decided that she wasn't going to keep lying. And she wasn't going to let her friends and family get away with accepting her lies. But in the months since, nothing had really changed. Her parents still refused to acknowledge her sexuality, preferring to remain ignorant in their belief that they were a 'normal' family. And it had always been easier to let them believe that. To nod her head and flash an empty smile.

But it was also slowly killing her.

Taking a little bit of her soul every time her mum talked about a nice boy she thought Emily would like. Every time Emily had to lie about staying over at Naomi's. And her mum would have that look in her eye. That look that was half threatening, because you like boys Emily, and half terrified, please tell me you like boys Emily. Because Jenna Fitch needed to have things in their place, the place that she had put them to make her life look perfect. Where do you think Katie got it from.

But Emily wasn't going to sacrifice herself for those around her anymore.

Naomi wondered if she should just give up.

She silenced her alarm and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, rolling onto her back and staring at her blank ceiling. All she could see was Emily. That look on her face as she walked out of that bedroom last night. It was burned into her memory. Projected onto her ceiling, her walls, the back of her eyelids. She was confronted with it everywhere she looked.

None of last night should have happened. She knew that even then. She shouldn't have let it happen. But she saw Emily and she couldn't look away. Every nerve in her body was screaming. Burning. Needing to be closer to the redhead. And then Emily was touching her and kissing her and loving her and Naomi's body stopped responding to rational thought. But then Emily looked down at her in that way that she always did, with adoration and love and pure wonderment. Like a part of her couldn't believe she was so close to her.

And it scared the shit out of Naomi. Because she knew she wasn't ready for that. That responsibility of holding someone else's heart in your hands. She didn't know if she would ever be ready for it, but she wanted to believe that she could. Because those few times she had allowed herself to give in to it, it had been exhilarating. It had filled her up in more ways than she ever thought possible. Surrounded her. But she couldn't shake that fear. The fear that this could all come crashing down around her and she would be left empty and broken.

So she'd tried to explain to Emily, but everything came out wrong. She wanted to tell her how she felt about her but the words choked in her throat. She wanted to tell her that she was trying to be better for her and she just needed time. But it didn't sound right when she tried to. And then the look on Emily's face had changed. And the love and hope that had been there even throughout all of their other fights was gone. Replaced by something else. Something hard. Angry. Bitter. Disillusioned. And Naomi had choked up all over again because she had done that. She had changed the way Emily looked at her.

She wanted to fix it. She just didn't know if she could.

She always wondered how Emily could live in this world the way she did. Being so open and loving and idealistic about love and life. Before she knew her properly Naomi had thought she was an idiot. Running around so vulnerable, practically waiting for someone to crush her. But Naomi came to admire it. Because Emily wasn't stupid or naive.

Emily was the bravest person she knew.

And Naomi wanted to be brave for her like Emily had begged her to that day...she just didn't know if she could. It was too terrifying.

She closed her eyes again and saw Emily's face, contorted in pain.

She had to believe she could fix it. Otherwise she wasn't sure what she had left.

Emily opened her eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the morning light. She stretched her limbs out gingerly, retracting them quickly as she felt herself kick something.

Someone.

She lifted her head and turned to the person next to her.

Anna.

A half naked Anna. Still fast asleep.

Emily dropped her head back on the pillow and clenched her eyes shut. Trying to wish it away. It was no use.

When Anna had kissed her back last night Emily didn't feel anything. Nothing except how much Anna wanted her.

Emily needed to feel wanted.

And Anna was drunk. Really drunk.

So they stumbled back to Anna's house kissing and touching and made their way to Anna's bed. And when Emily took Anna's clothes off she didn't feel anything, except the need to remove Naomi. Naomi was all over her. On her lips and arms and legs and hands and heart and Emily needed her to be gone. She needed not to feel her anymore.

And it was comforting in a way. Because with Naomi she had always felt too much. Like her heart was going to burst every time the blonde merely smiled. Like her body was erupting every time Naomi touched her skin. But Anna was touching and tasting Emily's skin and she didn't feel anything.

She was numb.

And it was almost enough. It was almost enough for her to keep following down the burning path she was on.

But she couldn't let herself. She knew it wasn't an answer to anything.

So she'd pulled herself away from the other girl and rolled onto the other side of the bed, inhaling deeply to get her breath back. And even blind drunk Anna had understood. Soon after they'd finally given in to sleep, neither girl inching any closer overnight.

And now it was the morning after and Emily was clutching her bruised and beaten heart in her hands tightly, determined to never let anyone near it again.

Naomi didn't want to get out of bed but she knew she should. She was trying to get her life back on track and she'd already proven than staying in bed all day wasn't going to achieve that. So she showered and threw on some clothes, then headed out to the community centre.

She was meeting with Mike, the head of the volunteer services, to find out which places they had open. Mike was an asshole, Naomi had always hated him. He'd never thought that much of her either, or anyone else for that matter. When she'd called earlier in the week Mike had been even more abrupt and sarcastic than usual, which she should have expected after the way she had left things a couple of months ago, and it took all of her nerve not to tell him to go fuck himself. She used to volunteer in a legal aid office, doing boring reception work, which she hadn't minded because she was helping refugees and battered women and people who really needed support. But then everything happened with Emily and one day she didn't feel like going in so she didn't. And then the next time she was hung over so she didn't. And every day there was a new excuse until she stopped caring altogether. She felt guilty about it, and knew that Mike would never get over it.

So before she knocked on his office door she steeled herself.

"Come in," he called from inside.

She stepped into the office, not bothering to smile. Mike was sitting at his desk with his head down, not even bothering to look at her.

"Hi," she said coldly. She wasn't prepared to suck up to this guy.

He glanced up quickly and then back down to his work. "Campbell. Come to sign up for something and never show up?"

She rolled her eyes and shifted her bag up higher on her shoulder.

"Like I said I'm sorry about that. It won't happen again."

He scratched his thinning hair, eyes still down. "I know it won't."

They fell into silence.

"So," she began after the awkward moment. "I just came to choose between the open places."

Mike scoffed. "There's only one open place I'm afraid."

"One?" Naomi asked incredulously. "In the whole council there's only one place that needs a volunteer?"

"Yup."

She sighed dramatically, not caring what this fucker thought. She knew it was bullshit. She should have known he'd give her the worst job or something everyone else didn't want to do.

"Fine what is it then?"

"You can drive right?"

She scrunched her face in confusion. "Yeah...but I don't have a car..."

Mike waved his hand dismissively. "That's fine, Mr Walker has a car. You just have to drive it."

"Drive it...where?" she asked nervously.

Mike finally looked up at her, amusement playing on his doughy features.

"Mr Walker needs to be driven to the hospital three times a week for an hour in the afternoon, one of which will be Sunday. You'll be driving him there and back."

Naomi took it in. That's why no one else wanted to do it. She'd either have to wait in the car for an hour or drive back and forth. It would mess up her afternoons, and her weekend.

"Why is he going to the hospital three times a week? And why can't he drive himself?"

Mike narrowed his eyes. "It's none of our business why he's going to the hospital. And he's elderly, he doesn't like driving in the afternoon. You say you want to help people and he needs help. Are you going to help him or not?"

She took exception to Mike's tone, and when she replied, "Yes I'll fucking do it," it was more out of spite that her desire to help.

Mike smirked. Like he knew a secret that she didn't. That scared her.

"Good."

He rifled through some papers and then held a slip out to her.

"This is the address. Be there at 4pm Monday."

And then his head was down again and she was dismissed.

She wondered what she'd just agreed to.

Emily was dressed and downstairs before Anna had woken. She didn't want to have the conversation she knew they were going to have. She was about to creep out of the house when she heard footsteps behind her.

"Love 'em and leave 'em hey?"

Emily turned to face Anna. The gay part of her took in how beautiful Anna looked in the morning light, her blonde hair loose around her shoulders, her green eyes sparkling. The girl part was jealous. She noticed that Anna's smile looked forced.

"Well technically we didn't do anything..." Emily replied a little defensively.

"I know, I was kidding," Anna replied, looking deflated.

"Oh."

They stood with the kitchen between them. Neither looking the other in the eye.

"I think we should talk about it," Anna said quietly.

"Do we need to?" Emily asked, knowing she was probably reaching for too much. She was angry with herself for stuffing this up. She needed Anna as a friend. "I mean you were really drunk and I was upset...and nothing really happened."

Anna lifted her head. She looked like Emily had slapped her. Emily wasn't sure what it meant.

"It...complicates things," Anna added.

"It doesn't have to," Emily countered.

"But it does," Anna said a little firmer.

"Why?"

Anna looked into Emily's eyes and in that moment she knew. She knew that Anna wasn't kissing her back like that last night because she was drunk. It was because she really did want her. Katie had been right.

"Oh."

Naomi was walking home with her head down and music in her ears. She felt a little lighter than she did when she woke up. Everything was still monumentally fucked up, but at least she would be doing some good again soon. Helping people. It made her feel a little better about herself.

She was concentrating too hard on the pavement and didn't see the person heading toward her like a bullet train. Not until she felt someone shove her in the back of her shoulder.

"What the fuck?"

She rolled her eyes when she saw who it was. As horrible as it always was to be in the presence of Katie Fitch, Naomi's stomach twisted more than usual, once again reminded of last night and Emily.

"Fuck off Katie."

She turned her back and made to keep walking but Katie moved in front of her.

"I'm serious Naomi, I want a fucking word."

Naomi sighed and raised an eyebrow. "Well...talk."

"Stay away from Emily."

Naomi shook her head. "Change the record Katie."

"This isn't about me thinking you're a dozy bitch Campbell...which I do by the way. This is about Emily."

Naomi heard the concern in Katie's tone and looked at her properly for the first time since she'd bumped into her. She didn't look angry. She looked worried. About Emily.

Naomi dropped her head, overwhelmed with guilt.

"Whatever happened at the party has to stop. I'm telling you this because I fucking love my sister...and I'm sick of hearing her crying in the middle of the night...she thinks I can't hear her."

Katie's voice cracked and she looked away.

Naomi tried to stop her eyes from watering, she didn't want to show weakness in front of Katie, but the image of Emily crying herself to sleep because of her was too much. Maybe she really had fucked it up beyond repair this time. Maybe she'd broken it so badly there was no way it could be fixed.

"Don't hurt her again," Katie said finally. It was more pleading than threatening and it broke something in Naomi.

"Okay," she whispered.

Katie looked her in the eye and nodded, then turned and walked away.

Naomi closed her eyes and breathed deeply.

She just wasn't sure if prmosing to never hurt Emily again meant she should keep trying or give up completely.

Please excuse my severe lack of knowledge about volunteering programs in the UK...I was going to google it but that involved more work :P

Music for this chapter...

'Three Wishes' by The Pierces...I love these girls...and the lyrics are brilliant for Emily right now...

'Never Meant to Fail' by Alex Lloyd...just kind of heartbreaking and awesome...

'What Can I Say' by Brandi Carlile...one of my fave songs ever...so Naomi...

'Nobody Wins' by The Veronica's...an old fave...and I'm a sucker for a string section :P

Thanks for reading and let me know what you think :)