Chapter Ten

It was almost time… the clock and time itself seemed to have slowed in the past ten minutes to an agonizing crawl. Toby paced his apartment ricocheting between feeling foolish for getting so worked up over something that might not change anything, and trying to ignore the increasingly tightening knot in his stomach that said to leave the past alone. If it did unlock the past - wasn't that what he wanted… to finally know what his life had held before. There was a sharp rap at the door, and Toby was relieved to see that Charlie had arrived before Ray. He motioned for her to come in.

She took one look at his wide eyes and clenching hands and knew he was having a harder time facing this than he had let on that morning. "Toby, you know you can still call this off. It's not too late."

He shook his head adamantly at her, "No, I have to do this." Pulling four sealed letters out of his work jacket he walked over to stand beside her slightly trembling. "Toby held the letters out to her. "In case something goes wrong…can you please make sure these get in the right hands?"

She glanced down at the envelopes, and noticed each had a name scrolled across it… Olivia, Oz, Ray, and one for her. "OK Toby now you are scaring me. What are you not telling me about this?"

"The nightmare I had last night… it started out like before, but suddenly it all changed and there was a white room and a man on his knees in front of me pleading for me to stop. I don't know how old I was… it was confusing/disjointed images then a voice over a speaker saying that was enough for today." He looked away ashamed for things he might have done.

Wrinkling her forehead in puzzlement, she shook her head. "That doesn't make sense. You can read thoughts, but how could that harm someone?"

"I don't know –" a second knock at the door interrupted Toby mid sentence. "But if it turns out I'm a danger to the people around me… " He left the sentence hanging as he broke eye contact and crossed the room to answer the door. Charlie discreetly pocketed the letters inside her vest as the professor made his way into the apartment.

Nodding a quick greeting to Marks, Ray focused on Toby. "Is there anything I can say that will talk you out of this?" It was next to impossible that the young paramedic would have changed his mind after coming this far, but Ray didn't want to look back one day thinking he might have stopped a chain reaction before it started if he had simply been a little more persuasive.

"It's my decision Ray… let's get started." Toby eased into the red chair with his back to the door preferring to be sitting up rather than lying down on the couch. Charlie faded into the background as much as possible by choosing to sit on the couch on the other side of the coffee table. Nervously, she steeled her hands on her knees.

Ray laid his jacket across the nearby green padded chair as he pulled up the foot rest that matched the seat Toby had taken. ++ Forgive me if this doesn't go well. ++ One last message sent out for Toby alone before Ray calmed his mind, and asked Marks to do the same. "I'll need you to keep your mind as clear as possible." Ray instructed the detective, and she nodded her understanding. With a deep breath, the professor turned back to Toby.

"Close your eyes and clear your mind. Fortify your shields." Ray's voice deepened and slowed to allow time for the telepathic barriers to gain strength.

"Now take a deep breath, and hold it... and ... just let it all go...That's good..." the first task was to get Toby to a point of relaxation. "... and now I would like you to focus on your breathing... just become aware of the gentle in and out of your breath..."

"for the next ten breaths... you could start counting each breath out... counting down from ten down to one... as you breathe out... say the next number under your breath... or think of the next number... if you can..." Toby's frame started to lose some of the tension, and his chest started to rise and fall more evenly.

"as you say each number quietly to yourself... you might find that those numbers are disappearing...you may find it harder and harder to know what number comes next... and you can relax those numbers away... if you want to... those numbers can disappear completely... with each gentle breath... as you drift down and down... and as you become aware of that at some level... that means that things are going exactly the way they should be... and your mind is opening to new possibilities..." With the relaxation and induction complete it was time to move on to digging deeper into Toby's mind where the repressed memories were held.

"And now I would like you to find yourself in front of a door… it's a door you have never laid eyes on before deep within your mind ... and when you are in front of that door and you are ready to go on I would like you to signal to me by moving a finger or a thumb that just lets me know that you are ready to go on." Ray watched as there was a slight twitch of Toby's thumb.

"Toby, What color is the door?"

"White." Toby's voice was flat and distant sounding yet loud enough for both Ray and Charlie to clearly hear him.

"It's white... and is there anything else about that door?"

"There's a round white handle. The door is not attached to anything… it's just floating there against the darkness. "

"Does that door open inward or outward?"

"Inward."

"It opens inward... can you reach out and open that door?"

Toby's arm trembled, "It's locked… It won't open."

"Look closely at the door. See a keyhole at the bottom of the lock. You have the key. Open your hand and you will see the key. Use the key to open the door when you are ready."

Fingers uncurled and in his mind Toby saw a shining key.

"Try the door again. Is it still locked?"

"No… the knob is turning now." A barrage of images and voices overwhelmed Toby's mind like water bursting through a floodgate. He started gasping for air, and his eyes flew open to vacantly stare at the ceiling.

Alarmed flared in Ray's expression, but he fought to keep the emotion from his voice. "Toby, can you hear me?" There was no response as the sound of Ray's voice was drowned out by the now unrestrained howls assaulting Toby's mind. Angered by being pushed into silence for a lifetime the memories flashed faster than his conscious mind could absorb them. Tension grabbed hold of his body as he sat bolt upright; eyes wildly darted around the room as his chest heaved with labored breathing; a cold sweat was fast drenching Toby's shirt.

Marks looked back and forth from Toby to Ray not sure what had just happened nor how to help. Ray didn't look like he completely understood the startling reaction himself. He started to reach out a steadying hand to Toby who looked like he was about to fall over, but Toby swiftly brought a hand up in a halting gesture before Ray made contact. Moments felt like an eternity as the three occupants of the room each tried to make sense of what had just happened.

Toby's breathing steadied enough to use his voice, "Don't … too much." The first one word command was a warning for both of them to stay back as touch often heightened the telepathic connection, and the second strained combination of words was an attempt to explain why. Ray nodded recalling how when Toby was young there were times that he couldn't stand physical contact due to the overwhelming push on his mind.

Given a few minutes, Toby could feel the pounding in his head start to lesson, and his breathing return almost to normal. He wiped sweat from his face and tried to swallow. Everything was still blurred and the pounding had left a sharp headache in its wake. There was too much to try to process inside his head. Instead he chose to focus on his physical condition first. "I'm going to go grab a change of clothes." Wobbly legs started to carry him to his bedroom. He closed his eyes for a moment to get his balance, and could sense both of them instinctively begin to reach out again to keep him from falling over. "I've got it… just need a minute." After a few more stops and starts he achieved the goal of his bedroom where he promptly collapsed onto an unmade bed.

Out in the living room Marks kept her voice low as she hissed at the doctor, "What just happened!" Her tone was a mixture of terrified rage and disbelief.

Ray kept his eyes on the bed where Toby was lying down with his hand over his eyes trying to recover, "I'm not entirely sure."

Images and fragments of disjointed voices swarmed in Toby's mind. It was like a tidal wave, and he was trying desperately not to drown. Slowly he rebuilt from ground zero the barriers he had learned to construct as a child to calm his mind down to a manageable din. He was aware of Charlie and Ray quietly whispering in the other room, but the noise in his head was too much to pay attention.

When he finally opened his eyes again there was a shift in the lighting from what he remembered. The living room lights were off and there was one light on in the kitchen. Carefully he sat up and blinked back the headache that was persistently letting him know that the night's endeavor may have been foolish indeed.

"Ray?" Toby's voice was not much beyond a strained whisper, but the man he had called for instantly came to the bedside.

"I'm here… how are you doing?" The professor's face plainly showed his worry over Toby's collapse.

"I've been better." He attempted to joke, but then winced at the pain his laughter caused to spike through his temple.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Always the scientist Ray immediately jumped to research mode once it was clear that Toby was getting back to himself.

Still working on orienting back to the present, Toby scanned the apartment. "How long was I out Ray?"

"About four hours… I finally convinced Detective Marks to go home about an hour ago. She looked almost as bad as you did and I informed her rather briskly that I did not need two people passed out here."

Coming back to Ray's original question Toby tried to explain. "There was a flood of images and voices… memories I guess from before, but it was all mixed up coming faster than I could sort it. Most of my walls are back in place now, and I have a splitting headache but don't think there was any actual damage."

"Let's start by getting you something for that headache, then I think the best thing for you would be to get as much rest as you can." Toby closed his eyes shut against the faint light of the kitchen as Ray hurried to get some pain killers and a glass of water.

"Thanks Ray.. " Toby downed the pills and laid his head back down on the pillow.

Morning rays of sunlight poured through the window causing Charlie to groan at the brightness of her bedroom. Suddenly it all came back – Toby and the late night before that had ended in her being sent home by Ray.

The phone was in her hand before her thoughts caught up with her. Halfway through dialing Toby's number she stopped. Maybe I should give him some time. He was pretty out of it last night. Hitting the clear button she redialed connecting to Ray's office.

"Professor Mercer" he sounded exhausted.

"Professor this is Detective Marks... how's Toby?" her breath held fast in her throat fearing things had gotten worse rather than better.

"Recovering... he needs rest. After that ... I simply don't know what impact last night's events will have long term." Ray reluctantly admitted.

Toby's head still felt like it was going to explode any moment, but he finished buttoning up his uniform. Turning to head to the ambulance he saw Oz; relief evident on his friend's face at seeing Toby back at work.

"Hey you look like you were up all night... were you hanging out with Olivia?" Oz's thoughts often gravitated to women and despite his lack of getting what Toby and Olivia had in their off and on relationship that was still the first thing that popped into his head.

"No Oz...can you speak a little softer man."

Oz looked closely at his friend, "You're not hung over, are you? If you're hung over Ryder will - "

"I'm not hung over Oz... just have a lot going on right now."

Oz's expression changed to one of comprehension, "Oh You mean... " He pointed to his head.

Nodding slightly, Toby didn't feel up to long explanations and they needed to get moving on the truck before Ryder got on to them.