AN: It has been years since I started writing this parody and I enjoyed selecting quotes and thinking of appropriate things to happen in the heroine's castle. Most readers remained silent (thank you Guest, Riaam and WildMeiLing for commenting) but I do hope to have made people smile. Enough chatting, here's the

Final scene - lmnopqrstuvwxy zing in the bedroom

(mini)Quotes from The princess diaries 2, Gone with the wind, Mary Poppins and Victor/Victoria

Dressed in her gorgeous evening gown the Queen placed her hairbrush on her dresser. "I still can't believe that Amelia made that remark," she said.

"What remark mi reina?"

"About the handcuffs. It was thoughtless and tacky."

Her Majesty used the mirror in front of her to look at Joseph and her lips curved into a devious smile. She rose and turned around. "And there are far better ways to tie someone."

She walked to her bed where Joseph lay naked, his private parts covered by a censor bar. His hands were tied to the bedposts with shawls of Real Madrid. The Queen trailed her nails over his calf. Joe swallowed hard. The bar became bigger.

"I'm a little nervous mi reina."

"A large part of you isn't."

Joe moaned.

"And it was your idea," the Queen said.

"But I'm a fan of Atlético."

Mesmorized by the sight of his wife, Joe failed to see a pair of eyes on the tester's painting blink.

OoOoOoO

On top of the tester six dwarfs were watching Dildo who eyed the humans underneath.

"At least tell us what's going on," Cymdo said.

"She's caressing his muscled chest and blowing against his hard nipples."

A collective moan rose from among the dwarfs. Dildo told them to be quiet and he informed his men that the Queen was now gently pulling at Joe's earring.

"Ouch!" they heard from below.

"Not so gently anymore," Dildo reported. "That lucky bastard."

After that Dildo was silent for a while, which made his men urge him to report.

Dildo cleared his throat and told his companions that the Queen was smiling at Joe in a predatory way.

"What is she doing?"

"I can't see that. The censor bar is covering her hands."

"That lucky bastard!"

OoOoOoO

"Querida," Joe breathlessly said, "If you keep me tied up -"

OoOoOoO

"OMG! You didn't mention that Dildo!"

"Yes well, he's tied up."

OoOoOoO

"- at least let my eyes ravish your body."

"Well it is getting a bit hot, isn't it darling?" the Queen huskily said.

OoOoOoO

There was the sound of satin fabric falling to the floor. Both Joe and Dildo moaned appreciatively.

"What is she wearing?"

"A scrap of lace."

The dwarfs tried to drag Dildo away from his key position.

Here's a clock's minute hand racing forward.

Safe for Dildo, all dwarfs, most of who gained bruises and even cuts, sat cross-legged on the tester, drinking beer and passing on tapas. A cry coming from the bed had one of them use a piece of chalk to keep a score. There was a long line of markings already.

"I'd almost pity him. Tied up by a minx who is a master at driving a man wild," a dwarf said, "Lucky bastard! If only I were his size!"

An intake of breath by Dildo had all dwarfs focus on him.

"She's straddled his stomach!"

"Finally!" the dwarfs replied in a chorus.

OoOoOoO

"Ride me!" Joe begged. "Take me! Please querida!"

"In a moment darling," the Queen said in a bewitchingly low voice, "I just realized: have we made the mandatory reference to a film yet?"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

"That's practically perfect in every way!" the Queen replied.

OoOoOoO

There was a sobbing sound, followed by a man's, a woman's and seven dwarfs' cry of "Yes!"

"Hold on men!" Dildo said, "It's really gonna start now!"

He was right: the activity on the bed nearly caused the dwarfs to fall of the tester. They all got covered in tapas and beer, but none of them minded. When the bed stopped moving, Dildo stuck his index fingers in his ears. The other dwarfs held on to the bed, in case there'd be another lovers' quake. Rythmic moaning whirled up and then a tone came from the bed, reaching higher and higher. Dildo's companions covered their ears with their beards. Moments later all beer bottles burst into fragments as thin as fairy dust.

"What in hell was that?" Cymdo asked no one in particular.

"Bflat," Dildo replied.

OoOoOoO

The Queen collapsed unto Joe. They were both thoroughly spent.

And that dear readers, announces The End.

The End

This parody was made possible by – in no particular order – Charlotte K., Leslie Nielsen, Dover, Mia, C&J, Arthur Mabrey, green tea, the dwarf community of Pyrus castle, the PD-fandom and – hold on: the Queen is rolling over and winking at the tester. Why would she do that?