Chapter Nine

Leah

We ran after Jake. Or at least, Aximili, Marco and I did. Tobias didn't want to pull ahead of us, so he trotted, pacing with Aximili. I could tell it was an awkward pace for him to keep at such a slow trot – he would have to walk, then trot, then walk again to try to keep the pace correctly. His body really couldn't handle the speed of Aximili's "run." Or if it could he didn't know how to make it do that yet.

Probably because Aximili, even knowing this wasn't reality, and knowing he'd spent months familiarizing with his "body" - was still afraid to do things on his "two ungainly human legs" as he had put it to me frequently.

I had to respect little things like that I saw between the two of them. Or any two of the Animorphs – even Tobias and Jake, who obviously did not have the best relationship anymore. When you can outrun your best friend by at least thirty miles an hour, and stay behind anyway to support your friend even in an emergency?

That was a deep friendship.

I was seething with jealousy for a second at that intimacy, as we ran. Even though their lives had been horrible and they had been forever scarred, I wanted to have a history. And I did, in a way. I had my memories and all the past experiences of what I was. But that hadn't involved other people since I had been controlled by Essaat. Which had been years, on its own. And my history from her infestation on? She had ruined every part of my past that she could, to keep me quiet. So all of the "important" things since then had been hers, not mine. And then there had been the journey that led us to The One.

I hadn't just lost my body. I had gained many scars. Things the Animorphs would probably find out later, if we survived this mess – it wasn't like I had other stories anymore, unless they wanted to talk about my past in the American Youth Soccer League.

But for everything I had lost, and every trauma I had gained, I hadn't had the chance to grow. I the same age as Aximili, and about the same age as Jake and everyone else. Mentally, though, I felt like I had before infestation. Like a kid.

If anything, I was weaker than I ever had been as a free human, especially now. Because I didn't get a lot of the stuff going on around me. I felt stunted.

So make a history, I thought to myself, the illusion of my feet striking the ground. Of my heart racing – though maybe it was.

Around trees, through woods. Some by me, some by Aximili, a great many by The One, but mostly the result of our own memories. Which The One didn't just read, like Yeerks did. The One owned our memories. It saw them all, instantly, at the same time. And I knew that.

So make growth. There's no reason you can't try to make friends with everyone here. Or after you're freed.

I wanted to. But I couldn't understand the Animorphs anymore than they understood me. I could feel myself wanting to drift away. Aximili had told me Tobias and Rachel had been intimate partners on Earth. That Jake was the leader. That Marco had been the perceptive one, and Aximili himself had been the technological Ace of Spades.

That wasn't what I had seen so far. It had been stupid of me, I guess. I had thought like they'd be the exact same people they were during the war out here. Like me, being frozen mentally in time for the most part. But what Aximili had told me was information several years old from his last real experiences with them. Since then, they had all become their own leaders, for their own lives. Tried to break into civilian lives – some more successful than others.

They were all leaders. They all had a shared history. And they were all broken.

Fine then. Be glad you don't have anything anymore. It just means you can't be hurt like they can be hurt. At least you don't have an "each other" to fight for.

Maybe that was true.

But even if it was, it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a present with people in it. Even if it meant sometimes I'd argue with people or get into fights, I wanted to be with people, now, in my own control.

Someday, I'd even tell them that.

But I wasn't sure I could ever talk about the history I had with Essat. What she had done to me, or rather, what she had made me do. I wanted to forget. Or be able to tell, but not have people look at me strangely. Hosts had known, of course. Yeerks spoke to each other in daily life. So plenty of people had known my "history."

I didn't know how to go about telling people on my own. Or even if I should. Making it my story, for real. Really, what were the chances we'd get back to Earth, anyway? Jake had told me they had come here illegally.

The Animorphs were not exactly hoping for a welcoming return.

We ran as fast as we could around trees. We were catching up to Jake – Aximili, Tobias and I in the lead. Aximili and I perceived ourselves as "in shape" because we had been in this world for months – not stuck confined in a spacecraft. Tobias was an Andalite. Marco and Jake both must have seen themselves as relatively unhealthy, because they were both slowing down, gasping for air.

Suddenly, a clearing of grasses. Out of nowhere.

The bald eagle Jake had been chasing swooped. I recoiled, seeing it had a rat that it was eating. The rat screamed. In my head. And it kept screaming until it died.

I felt ill. Repulsed, more than I had been in a long time. Shakily, I grasped the tree next to me. Aximili saw me, started to me, but I stopped him with a shaky wave of my hand.

Having friends, having history, it was harder than I thought. I was having a hard time letting go of the feeling I had to do everything myself. To be strong alone, if I could. Even having been here months, months of not being a Controller, I hadn't done so much as give Aximili a handshake.

I leaned over, threw up. Straightened out.

Looked back up.

Jake, staring at the eagle, horrorstruck.

And the bald eagle suddenly wasn't a bald eagle anymore.

It was a girl, a few years younger than me. Tall, proud, with blue eyes and a self-mocking smile. She reminded me just a little of Jake, the few times I had seen him shaken out of past memories.

The girl spit out the rat. Blood came down her mouth.

"Do you really want to leave?" The One asked, laughing mockingly, "Have you been alive, without me? I can give you everything you want. You can be happy. Or you can fight, try to leave. And I can make you suffer like nothing else."

I had been here months before Aximili. I knew it was true. Oh, The One could make us suffer, if we wanted. I trembled at the open threat – The One usually punished in a less direct way. But I had seen its more direct routes at other times. I looked over, at Jake, who looked at The One like a ghost.

"Rachel," Jake whispered, still flabbergasted, "Rachel, I'm so sorry. Please."

This, their fallen leader.

He thought this was his old cousin? Rachel?

I looked at the illusion ahead of me, knowing now who everyone else was seeing. I had been on the Blade Ship, but not morph capable. I hadn't been on the bridge when the legendary Animorph had morphed and destroyed the leader of our new "Empire."

I had never seen Rachel.

She had long, blond hair. Blue eyes. Tall, she looked like a model. Her eyes were fierce. I had heard members of the crew talk about her looking like a human bimbo, later, a stark contrast to how fear-invoking she had been in battle. But I didn't see it, looking at her now.

Maybe because The One had taken Rachel from my friends' minds, and not the Yeerks or humans it had found on the Blade Ship.

Or maybe because I had just seen her spit out an animal she had been eating alive.

Everyone stared. I stared. More than behind, I was confused. I felt like the world was becoming theirs now, property of the Animorphs. And I just didn't understand all of the things they were bringing in.

I hoped we could soon find a way out. Soon.

"Forgive you? For killing me, Jake? For destroying Tobias?"

‹Prince Jake. This is not Rachel. This is not Rachel!›

The One, in its guise, laughed. "I could never forgive you. You sent me away. You sent me away on a mission where I couldn't accomplish anything before I died. You made my death useless, Jake.

"I hope you never stop suffering." And then "she" ran.

"We have to go after her!" Jake started off again.

"Jake, that isn't--" I began. But he turned around and stared at me in a way that terrified me. His eyes, crazy, desperate.

I wondered if I had ever looked at Aximili with those eyes. When I talked about getting away, at least.

I kept my mouth shut.

"We have to go. It was Rachel. We have to go and get her."

He started off again.

"Jake," Marco said placatingly, "That was not really Rachel. Ax and Leah explained this to us during that meeting – that is The One. And --"

‹And Rachel is dead,› Tobias finished coldly. Resolutely. ‹Jake, if I thought that was Rachel – or that there was any hope of Rachel ever being again – I would do anything for that. I would sell my soul. Die. Whatever it took. But that... That thing isn't Rachel, Jake. It's a parlor trick.›

Jake looked around at everyone, bitterly.

"Well," he said, "I can't take that. Not when I just saw her."

He went after The One again.

Marco gave Tobias a look. Marco's eyes lost focus, a little, but they cleared up fast and Marco nodded about... Something I didn't know. I hadn't been included.

Aximili and the others followed. They would eventually find Jake, calm him down. Maybe eventually The One would take us into a real challenge. What The One was doing now was more simple: Get a rise. Nothing about it would give us an edge on how to escape. There was nothing about it we could use to turn tables. It was making a new story, just watching and eating up our reactions.

This was The One's sick idea of doing something for a laugh.

I wondered if there was any point. Or what heroes these were, chasing shadows. That was all anything we chased after in this place was – other than each other. Aximili and I knew that. And even our presence with each other was at the will of The One – Ondrean was a testament to how little existing could mean in this world... We never saw him outside of challenges.

But we seemed to do it most of the time anyway.

I guessed The One played tricks on our mind. Made us less accepting of endings we had in the past with poor closure. Jake had his. Tobias probably had his own, somewhere, even if it hadn't turned out to be Rachel by itself. Marco and Aximili? Certainly. And I had mine, even if I hoped The One never brought those to the attention of the Animorphs.

I doubted, outside the realm of the one, Jake would have followed something that appeared to be Rachel. Obviously, we weren't behaving exactly like we would without being absorbed by The One. Everything was wrong here. The whole place, it was just wrong.

No one here had ever known a happy ending. Everything was so broken. Ruined. People clinging onto pasts. People not hoping. I wondered if the Animorphs even existed, really, or if they just were, people being for the small amounts of time they had each other as a support system.

I spent a lot of time thinking about things that really weren't important, I guess.

I felt bad for Jake. It was an invasion of privacy. Still, he needed someone. Company.

Following their trails, I continued on after Jake. And the others.

I wasn't sure if I counted as someone needed, yet. Welcome company.

I could try, though.

I could try.