We're back with yet another chapter of "Deranged Crack Tales". I finally got into a decent mood and was able to write something funny. Or something that's supposed to be funny at least. I'll let you guys be the judges. Oh, and this chapter has digimon characters from seasons 1-4, so maybe you guys will like that, too. So on that note, please read and review.
Deranged Crack Tales
Chapter 10: The Little Mermaid
Deep beneath the sea, past the lost city of Atlantis and a quarter mile away from what used to be the city of Chicago, there was a great underwater kingdom. The kingdom was made up of mermaids and merman. Or are they called mermaidmen? But then, wouldn't people associate that term with Mermaid Man from Spongebob Squarepants? You know, like Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, the two elderly and senile superheroes. But anyway, the ruler of the great underwater kingdom was a merman/mermaid man named J.P.
"Hell yeah! I'm the ruler of the ocean!" J.P. did a little victory dance.
However, J.P. should not get too excited, for if he gets overly cocky, Poseidon will smite his ass.
"Aww..." He sulked, swimming away sullenly as he twiddled his fingers.
Anyway, J.P. had seven beautiful daughters. Yes seven freaking daughters. His wife couldn't keep her legs closed apparently. But wait...mermaids don't have fucking legs! What the fuck...? But moving on, he had seven mermaid daughters, all of whom he cared about in a non-creepy paternal manner. Right, J.P.?
"Right!" he replied obediently.
Sora was his eldest daughter, followed by Mimi, Yolei, Kari, Rika, Jeri, and finally Zoe. Zoe, being the youngest, was usually watched over the most, especially after that one time her father had caught her smoking from a bong that she had found underwater. Again, how did she manage to smoke something underwater? The world may never know.
Being too busy and/or lazy to keep an eye on her at all times, J.P. assigned two sea creatures to stalk her. One was a happy-go-lucky fish named Kouichi, while the other was an anxiety-ridden crab named Kouji. Well, actually, Zoe was friends with the fish, so he didn't count as a stalker. The crab was forced to follow her against his will, but he was deemed as a stalker anyway.
"Hmmph!" Kouji tried to flip off the authoress, but could not since he has claws. "Bitch..."
Moving on, Zoe was obsessed about learning about life above the ocean, so she constantly swam to the surface to see what went on up there. She befriended a crazy seagull named Davis, who seemed to be an 'expert' when it came to 'humans'. Yes, Zoe dreamed of becoming human since she was so fucking sick and tired of swimming 24/7.
Okay, let's speed up the process of the story and skip over the non-important details that can be easily ignored. One day Zoe swam up to the surface against her father's permission and saw a huge ship that was hosting a party. Curious, she leapt onto the side of the large boat and peeked through the bars on the railing, unseen by anyone on board.
Standing in the middle of the boat, there was a handsome young man named Takuya. Of course, he was a prince, so that little fact is hardly mentionable. But anyway, he was surrounded by six of his friends named Matt, Tai, Ken, T.K., Ryo, and Takato. By the looks of the birthday banners that read 'Happy Birthday, Takuya!', it was obvious that it was Takuya's birthday. Either that or everyone was too drunk to know otherwise.
"Hey! How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?" Takuya asked through half-lidded eyes.
His friends exchanged questioning glances, then looked back at him. "How?"
"He forgot to wrap his whopper!" Takuya exclaimed with a crazed laugh, then took a huge swig of his mug of beer.
The six other drunk men laughed at the idiotic joke, all of them too hammered to realize just how stupid it was. Instead, they merely clinked their foamy glasses of beer together, celebrating the happy occasion. They then downed their glasses, before throwing the mugs overboard. Zoe ducked out of the way to avoid being hit.
"Idiots," she muttered.
Though she had to admit that the one who had the told the stupid joke, Takuya, was extremely good-looking. Made her all hot and bothered if you're catching the drift.. As she watched the wasted group of friends dance happily to some music, some overhead clouds grew black. A split second later, it began to pour cats and dogs.
"Ah, goddammit!" Takuya cried out as a Chihauhau landed on his head. "I've been hit by a rat!"
"I've been hit by a wet pussy!" Tai wrested the angry, drenched cat off his shirt. "Too bad it's not the type I'm interested in!"
Matt gazed into the sky, wobbling as water and animals continued to fall. "At least it's not raining men like in that stupid song..."
However, a naked man darted from the clouds, wacking off to a picture of a young child. "I love children!" With that, he landed in the ocean with a splash.
"Did that pedophile just fall from the sky?" Takuya yelled out, tripping over a keg of beer. "How is that possible?"
"Anything is possible in the laws of gravity when it comes to anime!" Ken pointed out as he hiccupped.
Ryo raised an eyebrow. "Is it gravity? I don't know right now..."
Moving on, the storm became so dangerous that everyone had to evacuate the ship. They loaded into lifeboats, drifting away from the ship that had somehow caught fire in the process.
"Okay, we're safe," T.K. said with a sigh of relief.
However, Takato looked around. "Hey...are we forgetting someone?"
"YOU ASSHOLES! YOU LEFT ME ON THE FUCKING BOAT!" Takuya shouted from the flaming ship, flailing his arms around. "HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THIS? IF I MAKE IT OFF THIS SHIP ALIVE, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"
His friends exchanged glances. "Umm...oops..."
Not wanting to be burned alive like a witch in Salem, the idiotic brunette jumped overboard as his friends paddled away. Zoe had since jumped off the railing and back into the ocean.
"I can't just let him drown like this," she mused to herself as she swam over. "I'll just bring him to the shore and that's it..."
Takuya noticed the gorgeous blond swimming over to him and grinned stupidly. "Hey there, cutie! I like that little shell bra you're wearing. Will it come off if I untie the string with my teeth?"
Zoe smacked him over the head, sweatdropping. "Pervert..."
"Oh, don't be like that, my little kumquat! I would love to take you out sometime," he told her, slinging an arm over her shoulder.
The blond debated on whether or not she should just let the moron drown. However, that had the closest she had ever been to a normal...well, maybe not completely normal, human. But hey, beggers can't be choosers. Besides, Zoe felt herself drawn to the prince despite his drunken antics. She allowed him to hang onto her as she swam them to the shore, his friends now out of sight.
"Wheee! This is just like Sea World!" Takuya laughed, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. "But at Sea World, I was riding a whale as oppose to using you as a floatation device. Speaking of which, I'd much rather ride you instead of the whale and your boobs are big enough to be their own floatation devices. No wonder you're not sinking!"
As he rambled on, Zoe finally swam them close enough to the shore where Takuya could walk on his own accord. She was about to reluctantly swim away and go back home when the brunette suddenly grabbed her.
"Hey! What are you doing?" she exclaimed as he picked her up bridle-style.
"I'ma takin' you home!" he told her happily, carrying her with him as he walked towards the beach.
Zoe writhed and struggled in his grip, surprised at just how strong a wasted guy could be. "I can't go home with you! Let me go, you idiot!"
Takuya smiled. "Of course you can! I see that you're half-woman half-fish, which is freakin' sweet! It's like you're some kind of mermaid!"
Part of the blond wanted to go with him, yet with Takuya in the condition that he was in, she would most likely die. So she kept trying to struggle free of his grip.
"I love you!" he suddenly exclaimed, planting a firm kiss on her lips.
Zoe's green eyes widened as he kissed her, and she relented by kissing him back. You could almost see the pastel heart background behind her. However, just as Takuya reached the beach, he slipped on a wet rock and fell backward. The force catapulted Zoe back into the ocean, which was probably better due to the fact that she would most likely die within ten minutes of leaving. To make matters worse, Takuya had hit his head on a rock when he landed, knocking him out momentarily.
"It just wasn't meant to be," Zoe said to herself, sadly swimming away. "At least he survived that conk on the head... I saw him breathing, so all is good..."
A few minutes later, Takuya's friends returned to help him. Although dazed and confused, Takuya babbled on and on about a beautiful blond girl with large knockers wearing a shell bra. The others had been amazed until he told them that she was a mermaid. Deeming him to crazy, they brought him back to his kingdom where Takuya began to scheme to find her.
"Zoe! What on earth were you doing?" Kouji the angry crab nagged just as he found her. "You were up there with the humans!"
"Yeah, so?" She rolled her eyes as she swam away. "It's not like I'll ever see them again. Or Takuya for that matter..."
"Takuya? Who's Takuya?" Kouji demanded. "Oh, you're father will have a fit when he finds out!"
Kouichi chuckled, nudging Zoe's arm lightly. "Yeah, I saw the way he was looking at you... And then when he kissed you... Man, that was epic!"
"WHAT?" The crab's jaw dropped down. "I'm telling your father!"
"Jeez, will you relax?" Zoe sighed. "It was just a little kiss... Just ignore the fact that I've fallen in love with him and plan on deserting everyone and everything that I've grown up with."
"Wha-wha-WHAAAAAAAT?" Kouji continued to babble incoherently. "But! ...You can't just...! There's no way...! Aaaahhh, goddammit! His Majesty will serve me on a platter for this one..."
Zoe waved her hand dismissively. "Eh, he'll get over it."
Kouichi thought for a moment. "Well, how do you plan on being with Takuya anyway? No offense, but he can't live underwater forever and you'll die if you stay out of the water for too long. Face it- either he needs to turn into a merman or you need to become human."
The blond sighed. "Yeah...I might as well just forget about the whole thing..."
Just as she arrived home, Kouji, being the little bastard that he is, ratted Zoe out about her little meeting with Takuya. To put it lightly, J.P. didn't take the news very well.
"WHAT?" J.P. angrily glared at Zoe. "I told you to stay away from the humans! They're monsters, I say! Monsters! All they want to do is catch us in nets, roll us in bread crumbs, and cook us in oil! It's barbaric!"
Kouichi discreetly hid his plate of fishsticks. "Nobody saw anything..."
Zoe stared at her father defiantly. "But, Dad, nothing happened!"
"You kissed that Takuya guy!" Kouji exclaimed.
"Will you shut up?" Zoe smacked him, sending him flying into a large piece of coral. "Asshole..."
J.P. huffed. "That's it! I hereby forbid you to ever see this Takuya guy ever again! If I ever find out that you went to the surface again to see the humans, I'll lock you up forever!"
"I hate you!" With that, Zoe swam away, furious and heartbroken.
Kouichi glanced over at J.P. "Way to go. You made her act out in that teenage angst crap. She took up the attitude that usually goes to Kouji."
"Oh, shut up," the crab muttered as he pried himself out of the coral. "Dammit..."
As Zoe swam aimlessly through the ocean, she came across two eels. She followed them to an undisclosed area, meeting an ugly sea witch named Ursula. Skipping ahead, Usula offered Zoe to become a human in an attempt to find Takuya in exchange for her voice.
"So I'd basically be abandoning my family, my home, and my voice just to find a guy that I've only known for five minutes," Zoe mused.
The ugly-ass sea witch nodded. "Yup. The spell will become permanant if you kiss the man of your dreams and you can be a human forever. And you'll get your voice back, too. But if you don't kiss him within three days, not only will you change back into a mermaid, but you'll become my prisoner."
Zoe thought for a moment. "Eh, I'll take the offer. My dad annoys the hell out of me, so even if I become your prisoner, I won't have to listen to his stupid rants."
"Excellent!" Usula twiddled her fingers like Mr. Skinner from The Simpsons, then transformed Zoe into a human. "Now swim to the surface before you drown!"
Zoe struggled to get to the surface, running into Kouichi and Kouji along the way. They assisted her before she drowned, which was surprising since Kouji's not the type to help people.
"Screw you," the angry little crab muttered.
Upon reaching the surface, Zoe gasped for air, finally experiencing what it was like to potentially drown. She tried to speak, but of course, she couldn't seeing how she traded it in for a nice pair of legs. The blond began to paddle her way to a more shallow area, getting closer to the shore of the beach. It was awkward without her mermaid tail, but Kouichi helped her along while the emo crab dawdled behind.
"So, now what?" Kouji asked. "You just abandoned your entire freaking lifestyle and ditched your family. And all for a stupid guy!"
"Hey, at least she got a sexy pair of legs out of it," Kouichi told him. "Unfortunately, she's now naked from the waist down. We need to find her something to wear. She can't just walk around with a shell bra on; she'll get thrown into an ice cream truck and raped."
"Walk?" Kouji scoffed. "She doesn't know how to walk!"
Zoe rolled her eyes, then attempted to stand as she got to the shore. She was shaky, but she somehow managed not to fall over. Yet she just stood there for several seconds, since she didn't know how to walk. Just then, Davis, the crazy seagull flew over with a skirt he had just swiped off a clothesline.
"Hey, guys!" he exclaimed, flying over to the trio. "Look what I got! And who's the blond chick with the legs? She looks familiar."
"That's Zoe, you imbecile!" Kouji snapped. "She went and traded her fucking voice in order to be human. And she completely ditched her family."
Davis gawked at Zoe, but quickly cheered. "Wow! I didn't know you were so rebellious! That'll show your uptight father!"
"Hey, can we have that?" Kouichi grabbed the skirt from the bird before he could reply. "We need to cover her up so she doesn't get raped."
"Yeah, I've witnessed my share of rapes," Davis mused as Zoe clumsily put the skirt on. "One of them took place right on this here beach. But everyone just kind of ignored it and walked past the spectacle. I'm telling ya, people are crazy."
As he continued to babble on and on, Zoe began to take a few steps forward, trembling as she struggled not to fall. It was hard work and she felt like a toddler learning how to walk.
This is harder than it looks, she thought to herself since she couldn't talk.
She made her way over to the beach, one shaky step at a time. Kouichi cursed since he couldn't get out of the water to join her and Kouji bitched to himself. Davis forgot what he was doing and went to attack a man with a large sub. A sandwich, that is. Meatball to be exact. Or was it chicken parm? Ham and cheese maybe?
Anyway, Zoe suddenly pitched forward, losing her balance. Yet before she could fall, a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around her, steadying her. When she looked up to see who had caught her, Zoe was shocked to see that it was the handsome idiot who she had swam back to shore with after the ship incident. The handsome idiot known as Takuya.
"Wow, almost fell on your face for a second," he laughed, holding onto her tight. "Drunk or something?"
Zoe frowned and almost smacked him upside the head. I am not drunk! I'm learning how to walk! Friggen jerk... But he was a hot jerk. A really hot jerk. So Zoe looked past his simple-mindedness and merely shook her head.
"Well, you look like you're having a bit of trouble there," Takuya speculated. "Do you live around here?"
Ah, shit, Zoe thought. I don't have anywhere to go! I should've grabbed some freaking treasure so that I could've stayed in a damn hotel. Now what?
Again, the blond shook her head at his question, looking at him with a sad face. Without realizing it, she had given him the puppy eyes and Takuya began to drool.
"Oh, you're pretty," he babbled like an idiot. "You can stay with me! I'd be happy to put you up. Plus I need someone to help me deal with my stupid friends. Did you know that they left me on a burning ship while they sailed away on a lifeboat? The nerve of those guys!"
As they walked along the beach, Takuya realized that he didn't know the girl's name. Zoe kindly spelled her name out in the sand for him, though for some strange reason, he couldn't read things written in sand. Eventually, Zoe had to write her name on Takuya's forehead using a Sharpie. Despite the fact that it came out backwards in a mirror, Takuya managed to read it. Huh, he can't read a simple name written in the sand, yet he can read it backwards in a mirror. Go figure. And where did he get the mirror you ask? Davis coughed it up as he flew overhead to spy on them.
After escorting Zoe back to his seaside palace, Takuya showed her around the place and even invited her to his bedroom. Thrilled that Takuya finally brought home a girl who wasn't a wanted felon, his servants celebrated and treated Zoe like a princess. Takuya's friends just got drunk in the game room, completely oblivious of their surroundings. Kouji and Kouichi managed to find ways to spy on the couple, both of them being too afraid to face J.P.'s wrath.
Meanwhile
"Search all over the ocean for Zoe!" J.P. bellowed angrily. "No one rests until she's found!"
"I wonder where she went," Sora mused.
Mimi smiled. "Maybe she went shopping!"
Rika raised an eyebrow. "For eight hours? Not even you could manage that one, Mimi."
"Wanna bet?" Mimi challenged, holding up a treasure chest that she had stolen from her dad's vault.
"I hope Zoe's okay," Jeri said worridly.
"Me, too," Kari added.
Yolei thought for a moment. "Maybe she ran off with some guy."
The six of them pondered the thought before shaking their heads. "Nah, that's not it."
J.P. looked at some of his servants. "Joe! Look for Zoe in the eastern direction!"
"Yes, Your Highness!" Joe the merman swam away in seach of the blond.
"Izzy! You look in the western area! Cody! You look in the northern direction!" J.P. ordered two other merman.
"Yes, Your Majesty!" they replied unanimously before swimming away to their designated areas.
J.P. then looked at another servant. "Henry!"
"Yes?" Henry smiled. "Do you want me to look in the southern area of the ocean?"
"No! Bring me a sandwich!" his leader demanded.
Henry immediately sulked. "Aw, I don't want to-"
J.P. smacked him. "I said bring me a sandwich! Pronto!"
Muttering obsceneties under his breath, the raven-haired merman went to make a sandwich for his obese ruler. J.P. sighed and rubbed his temples.
"I'm getting too old for this shit." He glanced at a mirror, his eyes suddenly growing wide. "WHAT? A white hair? And beard stubble? NOOOOOO! Dammit, Zoe! You're making me age!"
Back with Zoe
Over the next two days, Zoe tried to get Takuya to kiss her. The brunette would've kissed her, but everytime he went to, he was attacked by various sea animals that appeared out of nowhere.
"I swear, these animals are coming out of nowhere!" he exclaimed, tossing a lobster out the window. "How are they getting in here? I almost had a Jaws experience while taking a bath! Isn't that insane?"
To skip ahead, that night, a pretty woman wandered over to the castle, looking for a place to stay. The woman was none other than Ursula, the ugly bitch in disguise, using Zoe's voice to cover up her own raspy voice. Her own voice sounded like a cat with lung cancer caught in a dish washer while scraping its claws against a chalkboard. Yeah, not a pretty sound. However, no one knew that she was Ursula. Zoe had her suspicions, but couldn't prove anything.
Anyway, being the old slut that she was, Ursula seduced Takuya and made him plan a wedding for the next day. Ah, the joys of money and caterers working 24/7. Lucky assholes need to learn to spread the wealth...
Moving on, the next day Takuya, Ursula-in-disguise and pretty much everyone else on the godforsaken island other than Zoe sailed away on a huge wedding yacht. Zoe watched them sail away, heartbroken and pissed off.
I can't believe this is happening, she thought to herself. Oh, wait, yeah I can. Shit like this always happens in these freaking fairy tales. Should've expected this to happen. Especially since Takuya's a moron and is tricked easily.
"Sorry about Takuya dumping you," Kouichi said sadly.
"It was for the best," Kouji said, only to be swatted into the water by Zoe. "Ow, dammit!"
Kouichi snickered, then realized the seriousness of the situation. "So...what do we do now?"
Zoe shrugged solemnly, playing with a strand of hair. Looks like I'll be that fat bitch's prisoner... Great...
"Guys! Guys! HEEEEY YOOUUU GUUUUYSSSS!" Davis flew towards them in a panic, reenacting Sloth from The Goonies. "I just found out the most terrible-"
He promptly crashed into a cliff, then fell into the water. Kouji, who was on his way back to the shore, grabbed the moronic bird by his ankle and dragged him back with him.
Once he had been dragged over, Kouichi looked at the seagull with concern. "What happened? Was the girl who stole Takuya away from Zoe actually turn out to be the sea witch, Ursula?"
"Worse!" Davis exclaimed. "As the World Turns was cancelled! I just found out in Soap Opera Digest! It's been on for fifty-four years and I have yet to miss an episode!"
The three of him gazed at him blankly, their eyes twitching at such a stupid complaint.
"The final episode aired last month," Kouji said quietly after a moment. "So you would've found out a month ago."
Kouichi and Zoe raised their eyebrows, despite the fact that Kouichi is a fish and fish don't have eyebrows. Kouji looked away from them, embarrassed.
"Oh, leave me alone. I need something to pass the time," the crab muttered.
Davis looked back at Kouichi. "But you had a great guess, fish! In fact, that happened, too. I was just too distraught about my soap opera to tell you right then and there."
Zoe stood up in shock, watching as the ship sailed away even further. Dammit! We'll never catch up to them now!
As if hearing her thoughts, Kouji snorted. "Why do you want to help Takuya anyway? He's an idiot for one thing. And he ditched you for some other bitch."
"I think she hypnotized him," Kouichi pointed out. "So it's not really his fault."
"Well, looks like we have a wedding to break up!" the seagull said excitedly. "I'll go stall the ceremony!"
Kouichi looked at the ship with worry. "But how are we going to catch up? Zoe can't swim that fast."
Davis thought for a moment, then smiled. "Hold on! Be right back! You guys head towards the ship, and I'll find Zoe a way to get there!"
He flew away, squawking obnoxiously to get his bird and sea animal friends to head towards the ship. Fish, crabs, sea lions, other annoying seagulls, and several other various creatures headed towards the large boat.
"Mine! Mine! Mine, mine!" the annoying seagulls babbled, trying to eat the fish as they flew.
"Stop it, you idiots!" Davis cried out. "Break up the wedding and eat their wedding cake, okay? Leave the fish alone!"
"Cake? Mine, mine, mine, MINEZ!" the seagulls flew full force, torpedoing towards the ship.
Shaking his head, Davis spotted a man driving a speedboat. He knocked the man off and stole it, struggling to steer the godforsaken thing with his wings.
"Gah! How do you work this thing?" he yelled, narrowly dodging a man and his girlfriend on a jetski. "Outta my way! Out of control speed boat! I can't steer this thing! As the World Turns was cancelled!"
"Nooooo!" the man cried out. "Not my soap opera!"
The woman looked at her boyfriend, then pushed him off the jetski and drove away. "I'm looking for a real man..."
"Real men watch soap operas, too!" Davis finally managed to get the boat over to Zoe, who hopped in and began to drive it without a problem.
Within two minutes, she had caught up to ship, which by now had been overrun by sea animals. As the party-goers on the boat ran around screaming like dumbasses, Kouichi and Kouji had somehow boarded the ship as well.
"Hey! What the fuck is going on here?" Ursula exclaimed, still in disguise as a mildly attactive woman. "You're ruining my wedding!"
Takuya just stood there in a hypnotic daze, stuffing his face with h'ordeuvres like there was no tomorrow. Zoe had to admit that even though he was the biggest moron she had ever encounted, he looked damn good in that suit of his.
Ursula was attacked by the birds and sea creatures, being bitch-slapped by an octopus in the process. Eight times to be exact. Davis squawked loudly in her face, then used his beak to grab hold of a necklace she had. Ursula grabbed him and strangled him with her bare hands, only to have a cherry bomb thrown down the back of her dress.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" She let go of the bird and beat out of the flames on her dress, causing the necklace to fall to the floor.
It cracked open, and just like in that awesome Disney version, Takuya snapped out of his stupor just as Zoe got her voice back! Isn't that freaking amazing?
Kouji snorted. "Yeah, yeah. Just continue on with the story already. I need to search for a new daily program to watch now that my soap opera has been cancelled."
"How will we ever survive?" Davis exclaimed, recovering from his choking experience. "Fifty-four years and then it ends! Damn you, God!"
"There is no God," Kouji muttered gloomily. "No God..."
"Zoe!" Takuya ran towards Zoe in slow-motion like in those cheesy romance movies.
Zoe raised an eyebrow and walked over to Takuya normally, reaching him after two seconds. "Miss me?"
"Yeah! And cool! You can talk! What are you, a wizard or something?" Takuya's eyes suddenly widened. "No, wait! I remember! You were the hot girl with the huge knockers! You know, the one wearing the shell bra! And you dragged me back to shore the other day when my asshole friends left me on that ship to die! And they thought I was crazy!"
His friends shuffled their feet in the background, looking down. "Sorry..."
Takuya and Zoe went in to kiss, but just as they were about to, Zoe suddenly turned back into a mermaid. The blond collapsed onto the deck, pissed off.
"Ah, you suck!" she cried out.
Takuya's eyes widened. "You're a mermaid? Wow, that's trippy. But awesome!"
With a horrible, annoying cackle, Ursula transformed back into her regular hideous self and grabbed Zoe around the neck. "Yes! Because you didn't kiss Takuya and break the spell in time, you are now my slave! Come on, Blondie! I have plenty of chores for you to do! And you'll be forced to listen to Miley Cyrus as you do everything!"
"NOOOOO!" Zoe struggled to free herself. "Let me go, you fat whore!"
"Nope, a deal's a deal," Ursula replied nonchalantly.
"But you cheated!" she shot back. "You stole Takuya and you made random sea animals attack him every time we tried to kiss!"
The brunette looked at Ursula in shock. "That was you who caused that?"
"Yup," she said proudly. "Pretty damn good, huh? Well, I'm off to make Blondie here my little slave. Toodles!"
With that, she jumped overboard, dragging the mermaid with her. Takuya ran over to the railing, dumbfounded yet ticked off at the same time.
"Oh, hell no!" He grabbed hold of the wheel, turning it quickly. "There's no way I'm letting her take Zoe!"
Tai tapped him on the shoulder. "Um, Takuya? They dove underwater. In case you've forgotten, this is a wedding yacht. Ships like these don't go underwater. So...yeah."
Takuya stared at him blankly. "Oh. Dammit..."
Anyway, as Ursula was dragging Zoe to her underwater lair, Kouji and Kouichi swam over to stop her. Kouichi smacked Ursula in the face with his tail, while Kouji recited his angsty poetry to give her a headache. Kouji's method of annoyance was ten times more irritating than Kouichi's. While the ugly sea witch was distracted, Takuya swam over to the group with scuba gear on. He pointed a bazooka at Ursula, who was still holding onto Zoe.
The blond yanked on Ursula's hair just as Takuya fired the bazooka, narrowly missing the explosive as she swam away away.
Ursula turned slowly to see what was about to happen, her face immediately turning dull. "Oh, fuck me..."
She was then hit by the explosive, which, since it was an explosive, caused her to explode. Pretty straight-forward, huh? Tentacles and blobs of fat littered the ocean, mixing in with all the empty beer cans and candy wrappes that had been thrown into the water by the dumbass known as Takuya and his idiotic friends.
Zoe immediately swam over to said-dumbass, wrapping her arms around him. "Yay! Now I don't have to listen to Miley Cyrus!"
Takuya hugged her back and reached the surface with her, pulling his mask off. "Well, today's been crazy, huh? I almost married an octopus woman, the ship was attacked by animals, and I finally figured out what is thirteen across on this crossword puzzle."
Zoe glanced at the question and read it aloud. "The cow says-"
"Hey!" Takuya interrupted her suddenly.
The mermaid looked at him strangely. "What?"
"That's the answer," he replied. "The cows says 'Hey'! As in 'Hey, you better stay the fuck away from me with that damn meat cleaver!' I'm pretty smart, huh?"
Just then, J.P. and his other six daughters joined them at the surface, along with the wedding ship sailing over to them. Kouji and Kouichi had swam over to them and Davis was flying overhead. So yeah, now everyone was witnessing what was going on.
"Wait!" Takuya exclaimed. "Where's Tommy? He hasn't been in this story at all!"
"It's all good, Takuya!" Tommy called from inside a room on the ship. "I'm perfectly fine!"
"Would you like another chocolate-covered strawberry, Tommy?" a woman's sultry voice asked from behind the closed door.
"Or maybe backrub?" another woman suggested.
A third woman was heard amongst the group as well. "Or how about a run to the jacuzzi? I think the jets are working again."
Tommy chuckled. "Oh, hell yeah..."
Takuya grinned. "Haha! Tommy, you're such a pimp!"
"Okay, pay attention to me!" J.P. shouted, deafening everyone. "You! Idiotic boy in the scuba gear! Is it true that you rescued my daughter, Zoe, from the sea bitch, Ursula?"
"Damn straight," he replied cheekily. "And my name's Takuya."
"To me, you're Idiotic Boy!" the portly merman yelled. "But anyway, even though I still hate your race, I can tell that you care about my daughter since you went after her. So on that note...um...Ah, dammit, I can't think! Henry, did you bring me my sandwich yet? I've been waiting forever!"
Henry swam up to him. "Sorry, sorry! I have it! It's just that I had trouble finding bread and-"
J.P. smacked him and took a bite of the sandwich. "Oh, shut up! Anyway, Idiotic Boy, since you killed Ursula, you can-"
"Have your daughter? Sweet!" Takuya exclaimed, planting a big kiss on Zoe's lips.
Zoe smiled as her father rolled his eyes. He muttered some obsceneties under his breath, then turned Zoe into a human with his giant fork.
"It's called a triton!" he bellowed angrily.
Yeah, whatever. Takuya and Zoe were now happy because not only was Zoe a human again, but she could actually talk this time. Which is good, because it drowns out the sound of Takuya's constant annoying babbling. Her sisters were rather jealous, especially when they caught sight of Takuya's good-looking, moronic friends on the yacht. So, they, too, were turned into humans.
"Alright! I'm free! I'm free! No more freaking daughters!" J.P swam off, happy of his newfound freedom.
And then Zoe's sisters hooked up with Takuya's friends. Kari got together with T.K., Yolei got with Ken, Rika hooked up with Ryo, and Jeri got together with Takato. So that results as Takari, Kenyako, Ryuki, and Jurato. Yes, their English names were put together to create their Japanese couple names. Got a problem with that? Didn't think so. Now that leaves Sora, Mimi, and Matt and Tai. Will it be Sorato and Michi? Or Taiora and Mimato? The results are still pending, but so far, Sorato and Michi is ahead slightly. That could also be because the authoress screwed with the results a bit since she favors Sorato and Michi over Taiora and Mimato.
And our favorite couple of all, Takumi, lived happily ever after, along with the other couples. Kouichi became the pet fish, while Kouji began to go to poetry clubs to share his poetry. He got booed by the third line. Davis had developed a crush on Kari and kept a picture of her. He is currently plotting T.K.'s demise. T.K., however, is immortal in this story so Davis can't kill him. No Daikari! However, Davis got over his obsession with As the World Turns and changed his attention to yet another show; America's Next Top Model. He is hoping to enter the special 'Coastal Bird Edition'.
"Dammit!" Davis squawked. "You suck! I'm not into that crap! And why does T.K. get to be with Kari? And I'll never get over the loss of my soap opera!"
He will one day. Anyway, Tommy was fawned over by several gorgeous women since he is always the lucky bastard with all the girls. J.P. got over his mid-life crisis and was relieved that he no longer had to watch over seven annoying daughters. His daughters go great with the very annoying Takuya and his very annoying friends. All was good in the world, especially when Ursula's remains were added to a new type of sandwich created by Henry. The Fat Bitch Tentacle sandwich. So far, J.P. is the only one who enjoys it.
And that wraps up this chapter. Although it might be awhile, there will be more chapters in the future. I hope you liked this one, so please review and let me know what you think.