The Maddie Kirkland Diaries

by dormroomblogger

APH/LBD AU Maddie Kirkland, tired of her mother constantly shoving every man she happens to cross paths with into her or her sister's love lives decides to document her mother's antics with her best friend Ling...for the entire world to see. The consequences of what she does will be bigger than she could have possibly imagined.

10. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 May 5-May 11

Uploaded Saturday May 5, 2012

Questions and Answers #1 (ft. Alicia Kirkland)

"Hey everyone! Thank you for watching my video diaries, so far. And thank you for asking so many great questions; I can't believe this many people find my life interesting.

"So to show my extreme gratitude I'm going to answer some of those awesome questions right here, right now.

"My name is Maddie Kirkland and this is Maddie Answers Questions! Maddie Spits the Truth! Maddie Explains it All...What the heck to I call these things?"

"Lets get right to it. From Natalia on YouTube, "What is it that you want to do after grad school?"

"Well, I'm studying mass communications, so any of the ways that we as a culture disseminate information broadly: TV, film, radio, advertising, newpapers…but YouTube, now YouTube fascinates me.

"From Tino on YouTube: "Hooray! Michelle is such a sweetheart! What about your dad, though? Will we ever meet him?"

"Having my dad on would mean having to tell him, which would mean having to tell my mom, which would be HORRIFYING!"

"From Antonio on Tumblr: "Don't you think your mother's focus on a husband is at least the littlest bit sexist?"

"In her case, less sexist than Palaeozoic. I'd like to think that if I had brothers she'd be just as focused on finding them wives. Moms: gotta love 'em."

From Emil: "Maddie Kirkland, are you going to be at VidCon?"

"I think so. I hope so. I just wish I knew someone who could give me a ticket." Maddie winked.

From Raivis: "Why do your sisters have different surnames?"

"I was wondering when this would get asked. When my mom and dad got married they decided to keep their respective surnames, Bonnefoy and Kirkland. Now-ready for the twist? Michelle is actually from mom's previous relationship! Which explains the differences in skin tone. But Michelle's known dad since the day she was born so for all intents and purposes, he's dad. But she kept mom's surname anyway."

From Antonio on Tumblr: "Who's your favourite author?"

"I'm a graduate student. My favourite author is anyone who can make their argument in less than fifty pages without mentioning "hermeneutics" or "socially constructed" anything!"

From Berwald on YouTube: "Alicia is excitable, inexperience, and easily led astray. That, to me, says 'party girl' more than 'slut'. Maddie, your college education is making you a tad judgemental or preparing you for a career on Fox."

"Whoa!" Maddie held up her hands defensively. "Listen, I'm not opposed to responsible, smart, safe women doing what ever they like in the bedroom with whomever they like. I just hope Alicia becomes one of those women…soon."

From Basch on YouTube: "Are those Hunger Games books on your shelf?"

"Yup." She held up the book to show them all. "And may the odds be ever in your favour!"

From Sadik on Tumblr: "We all get that you don't want to marry someone because he's rich, but I was wondering, what DO you look for in guys? You seem like the type who'd like to be respected and treated as an equal, but I was wondering."

"OF COURSE I want to be respected and treated as and equal, who wouldn't? Uh, I also want someone intelligent whom I can have a lively debate with and, um, who knows what he wants in the world and isn't afraid to go after it."

From Irina on YouTube: "Love your vids! Just wondering how old Alicia and Michelle are."

"I'm not sure if they want me to reveal their ages to the entire interwebs, but, uh, let's see. I think Alicia's home."

"Hey Alicia?"

"What?" came Alicia's voice from across the hall.

"How old are you?"

"…How old do I need to be?"

Maddie shook her head and raised her eyes to the ceiling, "N-no, I'm asking because someone had a question-"

Maddie was cut off by Alicia bursting into the room and plopping down next to her, shoving the little card under Maddie's nose. "Because seriously, I just got my new IDs and they are GREAT!"

Maddie took the card and read, "Amelia Jones…TWENTY-SIX?"

"Shh!" Alicia put one finger over Maddie's mouth, and one finger over her own, "A proper lady never reveals her age." She winked.

"Okay, where're we going? Because I have got some SERIOUS cabin fever and this girl needs to get her groooooove back~" Alicia started dancing on the spot to non-existent music.

"Uh, no, ha. No, you misunderstand. We're not going anywhere."

There was a pause as Alicia stared hard at her sister. "What?" she said.

Then, "WHAT?" Alicia glared at Maddie in disbelief and disgust.

"Um…Can you go away now? Please?" Maddie said tentatively as her sister continued to glare. "…Please?" Maddie tried again.

Alicia snatched back her ID card, making an 'I'll be watching you' motion with two fingers before stumping from the room.

"Oookay," Maddie said, turning back to the camera. "That's all for today. Thank you all for watching, for asking great questions, for sharing with your friends, for liking, for subscribing, and you can ask me more questions on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Google Plus, and of course, right here on YouTube, all of those links in the doobly-doo below."

Saturday May 5, 2012

A Twitter conversation between Ludwig Beilschmidt, Feliciano Vargas, and Caterina Vargas

Feliciano Vargas

+felilovespasta

+romanitup would you tell +bschmidt that he has nothing to worry about

6:46pm- May 5, 2012

2 likes

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+bschmidt you have nothing to worry about

6:49pm- May 5, 2012

1 like

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+felilovespasta what is he worrying about?

6:50pm- May 5, 2012

2 likes

.

Feliciano Vargas

+felilovespasta

+romanitup he says I'm being too impulsive

6:52pm- May 5, 2012

3 likes

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+felilovespasta shocker

6:54pm- May 5, 2012

1 like

.

Ludwig Beilschmidt

+bschmidt

back me up +romanitup. He's going to regret it.

6:57pm-May 5, 2012

1 comment, 1 retweet, 1 like

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+bschmidt regret what?

7:00pm- May 5, 2012

2 likes

.

Ludwig Beilschmidt

+bschmidt

+romanitup not what. who

7:03pm-May 5, 2012

4 likes

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Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+bschmidt I wouldn't worry too much

7:06pm- May 5, 2012

1 like

.

Ludwig Beilschmidt

+bschmidt

+romanitup you wouldn't?

7:07pm-May 5, 2012

2 likes

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+bschmidt Have you seen anything to show that the feelings are reciprocated?

7:09pm- May 5, 2012

4 likes

.

Ludwig Beilschmidt

+bschmidt

+romanitup It's hard to tell what people think sometimes.

7:11pm-May 5, 2012

5 likes

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+bschmidt no. it's really not. you just have to look.

7:12pm- May 5, 2012

1 like

.

Feliciano Vargas

+felilovespasta

+romanitup +bschmidt would you two please quite talking about me on Twitter. It's embarrassing.

7:13pm- May 5, 2012

6 likes

.

Ludwig Beilschmidt

+bschmidt

+felilovespasta I've seen and heard things far more embarrassing lately.

7:15pm-May 5, 2012

4 retweets, 4 likes

.

Feliciano Vargas

+felilovespasta

+bschmidt you mean like you, trying to dance?

7:16pm- May 5, 2012

6 retweets, 14 likes

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

Ouch! RT +felilovespasta: +bschmidt you mean like you, trying to dance?

7:16pm- May 5, 2012

2 retweets, 2 like

.

Ludwig Beilschmidt

+bschmidt

+felilovespasta Touché

7:18pm-May 5, 2012

6 likes

.

Saturday May 5, 2012: Private Diary Entry 10

If there was one benefit to having my sister in the opening steps of the love dance with a rich guy, you would think it would be that my mother would be satisfied by it. That she would allow herself to sit back and sigh with a deep contentedness and raise a mint julep to the fruits of her machinations.

But no.

All it means is that she has more time to focus her zeal on her remaining daughters.

Take dinner last night.

"Do you zink Feli 'as friends at zat medical school of 'is?" my mom asked as she spooned out a serving of lasagne that probably took her nine hours to prepare.

"I would imagine so," my father said, not looking up from his plate. "Most young people enjoy interaction with other young people with similar interests, I'm told."

"Per'aps Michelle can convince 'im to 'ave some of zem visit zis summer," my mom mused. Micelle is currently to dinner with said Mr. Vargas, and my mother's imagination is in overdrive because of it. "Better ones zan zat disagreeable Ludwig Beilschmidt," she continued. She still hadn't forgiven him for the way he was rude to her at the wedding (and me, if she had known about it). I consider it on of life's small blessings.

My mom left her last sentence hanging in midair. I locked eyes with Alicia across the table. Neither of us wanted to be the one to take the bait. My father knew better than to do so, too. But then again, when had my mother ever needed conversational prompting?

"'Ee could make it a party. It would be wonderful if you girls could meet some nice young men. Before it's too late."

"Too late?" Alicia snorted. "Mom, I'm, like, twenty." I kick her under the table. It's just the sort of opening our mother is angling for.

"Zere 'ave been studies done, Alicia. Oh, yes! Studies." She said that last word reverently, as if the information she was about to impart would be life changing. "Zey say zat by zee time you graduate college, you 'ave more zan likely already met your life mate."

"Well, it was certainly true of you, dear," my father said, between mouthfuls of lasagne.

"And I still have a couple of years." Alicia smirked. "You're screwed, though," she said to me.

I wisely kept silent.

"When I was your age, Maddie, I was already pregnant with Michelle. Time is ticking. Did you know zere is a 'igher chance of getting killed by a terrorist zan a woman getting married after thirty?" my mother continued, enjoying having the table in her thrall.

"Did you know your data is specious and you're citing an article that is thirty years old, which has been disproven a dozen times since then?" I couldn't help it. Sometimes, the research monster in me comes out.

But my mother just clucked her tongue.

"I never did understand your humour, Maddie."

"Well, if my choice is death by terrorist or hasty marriage to someone I already know in the hopes of staving off singlehood, I choose Option C."

"Option C?"

"Yes. Where I have a successful career, a healthy disposable income, and a close group of single friends with whom I can travel the world."

"You would deny me grandchildren?" My mother's voice quavered, hinting at the threat of tears. Which I think they taught her how to do in Sophisticated European Lady School.

"Oh, no!" I grin at my dad, who is trying to hold his own smile in. "Once I'm established in my career, have paid back my loans…There's always artificial insemination."

I fully expected my mother to explode. But instead, she just took a deep, steadying breath and continued spooning out lasagne.

"You may not even have Option C, Maddie." Her voice became hushed, as if she were telling a horror story around a campfire. "You know you Aunt Caitlin started menopause when she was forty."

The thing is, my mother believed deeply every false fact she spouted at dinner. She is legitimately worried that I will end up a spinster, at the age of twenty-four. It keeps her up at night.

As divorced from reality as she it, I don't want to be the reason my mother can't sleep.

So I spent my Saturday morning at the library, researching data and statistics about modern marriage- and it turns out that no, at twenty-four, I am not statically likely to die sad and alone. In face, the chances that I will have a more substantial relationship and stable children go up if I marry later.

I came home today ready to present these facts to my mother, in the hopes they would assuage her feelings and maybe, you know, get her to back off the marriage train just a smidge. But before I could approach her, Alicia blocked me from entering the kitchen.

"Um, hey, Maddie. Whatcha doing?"

"I was going to talk to mom."

"Uh-huh, cool…Wanna go to the mall?"

"No, not really," Alicia was literally standing in the kitchen doorway, impeding my path.

"Well, I do. Drive me, okay?"

Then I heard a sob. Not a short, swallowed thing, either. A long, mournful wail, the wail of the severely disappointed.

"What's going on?" I asked as I tried to peer around her.

"Nothing!" Alicia said brightly. "If you drive me to the mall, I'll go with you to that boring British movie you want to see. Come on, let's go! Now!"

"Mom?" I called out. "What's wrong?"

"No, Maddie, don't go in there! Trust me!" Alicia tried to pull me back. When I shot her a look, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine, don't say I didn't try to warn you. The mall would have been better."

I dropped my bag on the floor. I found my mom in tears, sitting at the kitchen table. "Mom, did something happen?"

"Oh, Maddie, eet's zee most 'orried zing." She took a deep breath. "Mrs. Von Brock from across zee street…she's spending zee summer in Florida with 'er new boyfriend."

"Okaaay…" I said. My mom and Mrs. Von Brock were friendly, but they weren't exceptionally close.

"She came over to ask"-sniffle-"to ask us to water 'er plants until 'er son Eduard comes to town."

"Okaaay…" I tried again. Ling and I had gone to grade school with Eduard Von Brock. His parents had gotten divorced when we were in middle school, and they decided to have Eduard live full time with his dad in Estonia. We only saw Eduard for a couple of weeks in the summers after that. But he had been memorable, if only because he was so annoying.

"But eet might be a little while before Eduard gets 'ere because she said 'ee's starting a business…and 'ee's just gotten engaged!"

Oh. Oh, dear.

"If Mrs. Von Brock's dick'eaded son can find someone, zat's one less person for you!" (I flinched when she said "dickheaded." I didn't know she even had that in her vocabulary. But desperate times call for lapsed standards, I guess.) Then, my mother pressed a handkerchief to her mouth in horror. "Zat's just one step closer to Option C! Oh, Maddie…Where did I go wrong?"

As I pressed my fingers to my temples, and promised to fetch Mom (and myself) some aspirin, I could hear the screech to tires on the driveway out front.

And I realized my car would be blocking any other car in, so who could have possibly pulled out? My eyes flew to my bag on the floor-the contents spilled out, my keys notably not among them.

Alicia had stolen my car and taken off to the mall. And as my mother gave another mournful wail, I could only wish I had gone with her.

Uploaded Monday May 7, 2012

Episode 9: Single and Happyish

"Hi everyone." Maddie waved from her seat at her desk. "It feels like the 2.5 WPF club is putting on a full court blitz. Full court blitz…that's, that's what that's called, right?

"Anyway, to marry, settle down, and start off our lives. As if my life has not started yet. My pestering, traditionally valued mother has it cast in stone that I am practically an old maid at 24. But I have done my research!" Maddie held up the thick stack of papers of information she had gotten from the library. "The majority of marriages occur significantly after 25 and they tend to be happier and longer. And the children of those marriages tend to live happier and more stable lives! I HAVE DONE THE RESEARCH!" Maddie shook her papers vigorously.

"My mother had never been particularly interested in rational thought. She thinks ghosts cause power outages.

"My name is Maddie Kirkland. I am single and that is perfectly okay.

"As it is no surprise to any of you, my mom has been preparing me for marriage for my entire life. I didn't turn out quite the way she expected."

Maddie once more donned her fake pearls, shawl, and sunhat to impersonate her eccentric mother, "My Maddie is quite zee strange one. All zat reading, writing, and studying. And zat mouth of 'ers."

"And when I was seven, my mom dress me as a spinster for Halloween. A SPINSTER! Yeah, try explaining what a spinster is to your second grade classmates. Who does that!"

Ling slid in beside Maddie, "Mmm, you weren't a spinster that year. You were a witch."

"Nope, definitely a spinster," Maddie countered.

"Why would any mom dress her daughter up as a spinster?"

"To traumatize her into dedicating her life to finding a husband. Are you not listening?" Maddie said. Ling just gave her a skeptical look. "…So anyway I-"

"No, no that's not it, I was there too," Ling interrupted, "You were a witch and a very loud one at that."

"I had an old shawl, a broom, and a warty hag face as a mask."

"…Yeah, exactly. A witch."

Maddie decided to let the issue drop and pressed forward with her point. "Anyways so I proposed to Eduard Von Brock just to shut her up."

Ling burst into laughter, "I remember that. That was so cute." Maddie shot her friend a deadpan look. Ling was not helping her case.

"Closest I've ever gotten, according to my mother," Maddie continued, "I would have married the little bugger but his kickball games conflicted with arts and crafts. I never was kickballer wife material anyway…Which is good because Eduard Von Brock grew up to be kind of a dick. Turns out he got engaged the other day…and guess who told me?"

Cut to Maddie!Francine sobbing hysterically, "If Mrs. Von Brock's dick'eaded son is off zee market zere is not going to be anyone left for 'er to marry!"

"What she doesn't understand is that what makes me happy and what makes her happy are two very different things. All life doesn't revolve around men anymore! I can get a PhD. I can run a company. I can get one of those crappy mortgages and put myself into horrible, debilitating debt…I mean, more horrible, debilitating debt.

"So you can chill out mom, cause I don't need a husband."

"But you are still living at home!" Ling said leaning into frame with a smug smile.

"Buzz kill," Maddie grumbled.

Tuesday May 8, 2012: Private Diary Entry 11

As much as my mother's wailing has continued on (and no, my carefully researched statistics didn't assuage her fears), I have come to the conclusion that I am fine with my life choices. In fact, I'm great with them. I much prefer to have my mind on my studies and not guys. Honestly, Option C doesn't strike fear into my heart the way it does my mother's. And Alicia's. Working hard at something I love, having great friends, and seeing the world? That sounds like brass ring.

Sure, I'm in debilitating debt. And sure, I won't be able to afford to own a shoebox, let along a place to live until I'm…ever. But then again, who isn't in debilitating debt right now? We work hard to get this debt-ridden, and we'll work equally hard to get out of it. Ahh, capitalism.

Ling is a perfect example. Even with her cousin helping her, she is in even more debt than I am, because I had a partial undergrad scholarship. But I just ran into her outside the registrar's office, getting things set up for the summer.

"You're doing what?"

"I'm going to be working on campus for the summer semester. The editing labs, and the administrative offices. I just set it up."

"But what about your thesis?" Yes, my school runs on a trimester schedule-but our grad program doesn't offer the courses we need during the summer. So, we are told that the break between the second and third years of grad school is the best time to dig in and do as much work on your thesis project as possible, before the hecticness of school returns.

"It won't be so bad-I'll just be making sure a bunch of Editing 101 kids don't destroy the computers, and I'll have access to the editing suites and be able to work on my projects there."

I must've looked dubious.

"Work study really helps me defray my expenses at school. And if I save up enough, maybe I'll be able to devote more time to work in the fall."

Again, I got the impression that Ling wasn't telling me everything, but she wasn't about to.

"Well, I have huge plans for the summer. Just so you know," I said.

"That so?"

"Oh, yes. Aside from my thesis, I've taken on a couple of high school student for tutoring English. So, I'm finally going to stake my claim to the comfy chair at the library. The one at the big table, so I can spread all my papers out. Stay there all day."

"Wow. You really know how to live large."

I shrugged, "That's just how I roll."

Yeah, I'm happy with my life choices. Studying what I love, and great friends. What more could anyone possibly want?:

Wednesday May 9, 2012

A Twitter conversation between Feliciano Vargas and Caterina Vargas

Feli Vargas

+felilovespasta

+romanitup i just had the best idea!

7:31pm- May 9, 2012

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+felilovespasta I hate it when you say that

7:33pm- May 9, 2012

.

Feli Vargas

+felilovespasta

+romanitup haha. seriously though. when will you get back to the house? I want to run something by you.

7:36pm- May 9, 2012

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+felilovespasta vague much? does +bschmidt know what you're scheming?

7:38pm- May 9, 2012

.

Feli Vargas

+felilovespasta

+romanitup not yet. we'll tell him tonight

7:40pm- May 9, 2012

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+felilovespasta oh we will now, will we?

7:41pm- May 9, 2012

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+felilovespasta skeptical, +romanitup is skeptical

7:42pm- May 9, 2012

.

Feli Vargas

+felilovespasta

+romanitup but you don't even know what I'm going to say!

7:44pm- May 9, 2012

.

Caterina Vargas

+romanitup

+felilovespasta I can guess.

7:46pm- May 9, 2012

.

Uploaded Thursday May 10, 2012

Episode 10: Cats and Chinchillas

"On the theory that the Internet is as bored stiff as I am with the continuing Feliciano Vargas saga, I'm going to try a sure fire method to boost my viewship," Maddie said. "Posting cute pictures of cats! But not just cats by themselves. 'Cause cats, you've seen," Maddie waved a dismissive hand. "But a cat with another cute furry animal. So…

"My name is Maddie Kirkland, and I'm going to show you a cat playing with…a chinchilla!"

"So without further ado, here is picture number one-" Suddenly Michelle entered Maddie's room.

"Maddie-"

"Michelle!"

Michelle stopped dead when she saw the camera. "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were shooting!"

"No, no, it's fine, it's fine 'cause Ling can edit this out later," Maddie assured her, gesturing her sister to come sit down adding a little wink to the camera. But as it turned out, Ling did not edit this out.

"You are never going to believe what happened at work today," Michelle said in a rush, her expression ecstatic.

"Uh, they realized what a creative genius you are and decided to start paying you a living wage?"

"Slightly more believable than that."

"I've got nothing."

"Feli sent flowers."

Maddie gasped, "To your office?" Michelle nodded vigorously.

"Yes!"

"Wow, classy move. And, he's smart enough to try to get around mom. I'm beginning to understand what you see in this guy."

"And there was a note," Michelle squealed.

Maddie rolled her eyes, "Well of course there was a note, how else would you know whom to thank with your feminine favours?"

"Maddie, don't make this dirty!" she said, gently swatting Maddie's shoulder.

"I'm not making anything dirty. This was dirty before I got here," Maddie said with a sly smirk. "Fine, what did the note say?"

"Feli and his sister Caterina want us to come visit him. At his house!"

"Oh, I told you this was dirty!" Something Michelle just said finally registered in Maddie's brain, "Wait, no, who is us?"

"Us! You and me!"

"Why do they want me to come? Is this some king of weird sister thing?"

"No, it's not some weird sister thing. They just...they just want to see you," Michelle said. Maddie squinted at her suspiciously.

"Is Beilschmidt going to be there?"

"I don't know…" Michelle said in a would-be casual voice. Maddie felt her fears were confirmed, Michelle was always a horrible liar.

"Michelle."

"…Okay, fine, yes. Yes, he'll be there-"

"Then I'm not going."

"No, you HAVE to go," Michelle said desperately.

"No, I don't. About the only thing that would make being your third wheel less appealing is having Beilschmidt lurking around."

"No, Feli and Beil- I mean Ludwig have been friends for years. He can't be that unpleasant all the time," Michelle replied.

"You are too nice."

Michelle scoffed, "There's no such thing as too nice."

"Yes, there is. And I love you, but you are it. Beilschmidt spent the entire evening being a total douche and you're just like," Maddie imitated Michelle's high falsetto, "'Well, I'm sure he was just having an off night.'"

Now Michelle was smirking, "Fine. Why don't you come with me, get to know Ludwig, and prove me wrong?"

Maddie decided not to fall into the trap, "I don't have to get to know Beilschmidt, and since he has no interest in getting to know me, it works out perfectly. Why do you even want me to come? It's not like you need a chaperone."

Michelle avoided Maddie's gaze. Realization slowly dawned on Maddie. "You do need a chaperone, don't you? Because…" Maddie grabbed Michelle's chin and forced her to meet her eyes. "It's not just me! It's Alicia too! Aw, God." Maddie threw up her hands in resignation.

She looked back at Michelle who still wasn't looking her full in the face. It seemed there was still something else.

"And…" Maddie put her index finger on Michelle's eyebrow, middle finger just below her eye, and thumb on her chin, pretending to do a Vulcan mind meld. "AND MOM?! Seriously, mom's coming?!"

"Sorry, Maddie!"

"UGH, F***"

The audio and video cut away to show a picture of a cute cat looking uncertainly at a very fluffy and round chinchilla.

---

If you guys have any questions you would like to ask Maddie Kirkland in future Q&A videos: feel free to leave them in the comments! I'll see if I can include them in future asks. The next one should be a few weeks from now. Try to keep them plot relevant, however meta is also acceptable :P

For maximum hilarity, I usually like to imagine Francine Bonnefoy is still Francis, just crossdressing as a hysterical woman, weeping over his daughter's dismal love lives.