Diary Wars

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise.

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,
It just wasn't enough that I had thrown up till all that came up was bile. It just wasn't... I haven't been going to classes anymore, Slughorn has come to see me, demanding I go back, but Abigail insisted I was ill and Sirius hasn't been able to touch me without earning a slap and a long cry, I-I think I've completely lost all hope. I've been even throwing things at my best friend, my best friend...I think I'll scoff now... They are happy now, the few times I have come out of the dorm was to see the exchange in smiles that only the purely obsessed would notice. Shouldn't I be happy for him? I wanted to, I loved Sevy with all my heart, but it felt as not only was Remus taken from me (not that I ever had him) But Sevy was as well. Was I just being overly dramatic? Yes I do take things to heart, the bruises that have still not healed are the reason for it isn't it? I can't trust anyone, they will only hurt me.
The saddest part is... neither cared. I was right, when saying in my childish rants I was unimportant.
I talked to Sevy too today, if you could call it talked, I hit him, then I asked him why I wasn't good enough? I'm stupid. Yes I know, I think I'll give him a shot? Maybe when it hurts less, yet...I know that it will never hurt less. I'm going off now, actually leaving my room. First I'm going to see Sirius, then Severus... we need to have a talk. I hope he doesn't mind I'm staying in my Pj's...well anyways, Today, if I don't go to Potions, then Slughorn said he is sending Madame Pomfrey.
I sure hope he was kidding... because it's a little late now.
Talk to you later,
Caramel

(Severus)

april twentythree

so much has happened, so, so much, and i barely know how to write it all down, how to put words to it, i! i who have never failed to write the wittiest essays, the best dissertations in the entire bloody school, cannot find words to write in an ungraded, informal diary.

lupin is beyond amazing, everything i'd imagined but so much more... real. gone are the childish, uninformed fantasies, to be replaced by the most amazing reality possible, full of kisses in dark corners and whispers and... love. i love him, i know i do, it doesn't matter that neither of us have actually said it yet... we're afraid to, i think; afraid that the moment we finalize this, make it real with that last, clanging statement, something will happen and we will be inevitably ripped apart, probably by james fucking potter or sirius dickface black, and it will all be over. but the kisses and the touches in and of themselves, regardless of what we say to accompany them, are wonderful, soft, perfect... lupin. so utterly lupin. it's like being enfolded by another consciousness and held, and made perfect. so perfect. just like him. i wish i had that perfection, but all i have is a body covered in bruises and scars and a mind no less damaged, as imperfect as a human being can get. he is my redemption. together, we are whole.

i wish that i could tell him that i love him. i wish. but every time i think i've worked up the courage, the words... just won't come. i wish i weren't such a bloody coward, wish i had even an ounce of his beauty... if i did perhaps i wouldn't be so unsure. i don't want to be rejected, i don't want to be left by the boy who gave me my first kiss, i don't want any more pain than i already suffer in my normal everyday life. i just want eons and eons of perfection with him, holding him and being held by him in the back of the library where no one ever comes, forgetting the cruel outside world, safe with each other behind the masks we have created and only set aside when we're together and no one is looking our way, safe in the knowledge that other will not judge us for past misdeeds, and yet at the same time horribly unsure, afraid of messing up, wanting everything to be utterly perfect...

why must love be like this? why must it be a thing of contradictions, oxymorons? why is it not a thing of logic, something i can piece together, analyze, understand? the one thing that seems to be the biggest problem in my life is something that i have no idea how to fix. it's heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time.

look at me, rambling on about love. i still have to talk about caramelina.

i now know the cause of her insane object-chucking earlier this week; she saw me kiss lupin, that very first time, in the hospital wing. it made me angry, to think that a moment that perfect had to be spoiled by her, watching, getting her own ideas, finding out. i wanted to tell her gradually, not have her realize it on her own and come to conclusions she shouldn't. i didn't want to hurt her and i did it anyways, but it's her bloody fault for looking in the first place. she hit me, she wanted to know why she wasn't good enough; she thinks lupin is taking her place, can you believe it? as if. a best friend and lover are two very different things, and if she thought that i would abandon her just because i finally found someone to love me she was sadly misinformed. how dare she think me that shallow, that uncaring? how dare she! HOW BLOODY FUCKING DARE SHE?!

it's not my fault that remus chose me first, not my fault that i love him in return, not my fault that she was off losing her fucking virginity to sirius black while i was realizing that i'd really, actually kissed remus lupin, not my fault that she's a little slut who has sex with gryffindors when they're feeling down... oh, i wish she'd just forget. i wish she'd forget completely and go back to being an oblivious little girl, who i can still talk to, or better yet, i wish she'd just get over herself and be happy for me. we always agreed that whomever lupin chose would be entitled to him fair and square, and the other had no right to be a bitch about it, and of course the first thing she does is go and be bitchy at me and lupin, the little shit.

ohhhhh, god. i have no idea what to do. i'm so confused. one half of me is so desperately in love with lupin that i'd kill for him, the other half doesn't want caramelina to get hurt, and... and i don't know which half i care about more. i don't want to have to make a choice.

it hurts.