Disclaimer: What I own in this story fills my heart, not my wallet.
Pairing: JJ/Emily, femslash
A/N: Thank you for your patience. I hope this final chapter lives up to your expectations.
"On the threshold of love we are bashful … There has to be someone who will say to us, 'Here is what you may love: love it.'" -Marcel Proust
With her only free hand, JJ brushed aside the few strands of hair that had loosened themselves from her ponytail while watching a movie with Emily on the couch. The fingers of her other hand were threaded with Emily's, whose arm was stretched underneath JJ's side, and her thumb unconsciously sought out and grazed the back of Emily's fingers, matching the slow, jagged rhythm of her thoughts. They were cuddled together on the couch, with Big Spoon Emily resting her head on JJ's shoulder and wrapping her arm around her waist, her hand half-covered by the bottom of JJ's t-shirt. The blonde could still feel the paths traced by those fingers on her stomach, and the memory of Emily's touch made her shiver almost as much as the touch itself. The hand of the brunette was still now, and had been since Emily fell asleep twenty minutes into the movie, succumbing quickly to the exhaustion of too many difficult cases in a row and far too little downtime.
JJ felt a small burst of jealousy at the light snores and gentle breathing emanating from the woman behind her. Although she was just as bone-weary and stressed as Emily and the rest of the BAU family, her thoughts refused to slow or cease multiplying, and her eyes would not completely close until her mind was quiet. For the first time in her life, JJ wished that it was a case that had left her so unsettled, so anxious and weak and wanting and yet also fulfilled and brave and strong but still so unsure of herself. She wished for anyone else to be the cause of her sleeplessness on this and many nights in the six weeks since her breakup with Will. By all rights, Will should have been the source of all her troubled feelings, instead of the dark-haired woman in whose arms she now lay. But the fact was undeniable that it was Emily.
Emily had spent nearly every waking hour since the breakup by JJ's side, making sure she and Henry were taken care of, and in the process, she was making everything harder for JJ—harder because she made getting over Will feel so easy, so right. Instead of leaving her in want of nothing, Emily's tender attentions only left JJ wanting more of her. She was insatiable for her touch, for her quiet breathing on her neck at night, for the rare bliss of Emily's melting gaze as part of herself emerged from the steel encasement of her heart—JJ wanted daily, hourly, to rediscover every part of Emily that she met, and to explore those things that were yet in shadow. Emily made it hard for JJ to believe, as she had wanted to, that she was not deserving or worthy of love after she walked away from the most consuming relationship of her life beyond her immediate family. Emily loved her effortlessly and without judgment. Emily made it hard for her to push people away and retreat inside herself, as she was always wont to do, because when she sensed JJ building up her defenses, she would look at her with such immense kindness, understanding, and patience that JJ had no choice but to dismantle the walls herself. She did so without hesitation every single time, and each time was rewarded with a little more of Emily's own guarded heart, which was tentatively doing some stretching of its own.
It should have been harder for JJ to trust Emily to keep her word that she would stay as long as she was needed, given that JJ was in the most vulnerable state she had ever been in her life, and that Emily herself had a nearly impenetrable armor around her heart that had always kept her from trusting and being trusted. The media liaison was accustomed to protecting herself with a fiercely stubborn independence; she had always told herself that she didn't need anyone else to solve her problems or fight her battles for her, and maybe she was still right about that. She didn't need Emily to take care of her, and Emily knew that. But JJ wanted the profiler's comfort and advice, and that was enough for her to stay. When members of the BAU pulled JJ aside and asked her if she was sure she trusted Emily to do the right thing by her, given how unraveled her life had become in the last few months, JJ looked them dead in the eye and said yes, in the clearest, strongest voice she could manage. She was sure. And when they asked her how she could be so certain, the answer was always the same: Because she promised to stay, and she's still here.
Only three days had passed after Emily moved in before someone in the BAU noticed. It was fairly obvious that something in the friendship between the two women had changed, had evolved, given that the they normally lived an hour apart, and yet were showing up to work in the same car at the same time. That raised Derek Morgan's suspicions on the first day, which were not confirmed in his mind until the third day, when Emily, who had run out of clothes from her go-bag and had not yet had time to either do laundry or go home to fetch fresh clothes, arrived at work in one of JJ's suits. The sight of Emily in her clothes had an extraordinarily intimate feeling about it that JJ did not expect, but it thrilled her nonetheless. The way her clothing draped on the brunette made a statement: I will know this part of your life by the way you wear it, from the inside out. And simpler: I am yours. JJ had never had anyone in her life who had both the patience and the desire to know her that well, and she found the experience quite moving.
The more time passed, the more questions were asked, and the more questions were asked, the more team members realized that JJ and Emily had at some point slipped beyond the boundaries of their already close friendship. JJ, ever the skilled talker, didn't mind the barrage of questions at first. She took it as a sign that the people she considered part of her family cared enough about her to care about the people in her life. But the day came when part of the interrogation focused on Emily's motives for moving in, for getting closer to JJ, and that was the point when JJ broke. Even Garcia, who knew enough about JJ and Emily's relationship from her conversations with each to stay away from the dangerous questions, was taken aback by the other blonde's unexpected reaction. The flames in her eyes that they expected to see were slowly being doused by tears. Her shoulders sagged, and her head fell to her chest for a moment, and when she finally raised her head, all that remained of the anger and stubborness they waited for were a few dying embers, and a streak of wet coal under and around her eyes. Her breath made ragged by unshed tears, JJ cleared her throat and, in a voice that did little to drown out the silence of the room, brought all the questions forever to a halt.
"Do you really believe I don't know what you're asking me? Did you actually believe you were hiding it well, the question behind the question? You're not worried about Emily. You would never question Emily's motives, because you remember that she's the woman who's been by your sides the last two years, who has defended your lives with her own. She's the woman who has seen you broken and seen you whole, and never walked away from you at either time. Emily isn't just your friend; she's your family. You know who she is, and what she means to you. This isn't about Emily. This is about the fact that the person who has been taking care of me all these months, who has been helping me move on from Will, isn't just Emily—she's a woman. Let's face it—you never wondered about Will like this. You just trusted me to make good choices about the people in my life. And now that it's a woman instead of a man by my side, you think that she's taking advantage of me when I'm vulnerable, that she's getting into my heart before my head clears. You couldn't be more wrong.."
"For one thing, we're both vulnerable now. I am the first person she has ever loved, ever been willing to show her heart to, and revealing it to me has not been without its pain. If you asked, I could tell you how many times she's cried herself to sleep in my arms, worried and exhausted by worrying about me, and about the price of giving herself to me. There are still so many wounds she's kept hidden that we're still finding out about. She's still afraid that there are things about her that might make me want to leave if I see them. But she's getting less and less afraid with time. And I've stopped wondering about our future, because our Emily has been nothing short of incredible to me since I left Will. She has been far easier on me than I have been on myself."
"When I left him, I wanted only to be punished for letting him go, for not trying again. I wanted to be miserable for a while, but Emily wouldn't let me. She stepped in and reminded me that the reason Will and I walked away from each other was to give us both a chance to find real happiness. I fought her at first, but she was persistent, and after some time, I started to realize that it was okay to smile, okay to love, okay to heal. You are welcome to doubt me, to doubt us, if you want to, but I have never felt more confident about any relationship than I do about this one. Emily and I are right together. My life makes sense with her in it in ways it never has with anyone else. Henry's life makes more sense with her in it to raise him with me. She is wonderful with him and he adores her. I know things now about myself that I didn't see so clearly when I was with Will."
"When she looks at me, I know I am safe. When she listens to me, I know I am loved. When she can't pull away from me until it is absolutely necessary, I know I am cherished. I was never sure about those things with Will. We were so far apart on so many issues that I always had room for doubt about how he felt. I don't think he loved me as much as he loved who he hoped I would be. I think he was always waiting for my answers to his questions to change. Emily doesn't have any questions. She just loves me and lets that guide us through the day. So forgive me for telling you this: We could sit here and I could listen to you question me for hours, but it would all be wasted time, because none of those questions have answers that matter. The answers to the questions you should be asking, both as our friends and as our colleagues? I am happy. I am loved. I make her happy. She is loved, for the first time. We are making each other better. We are lighting the darkness we carry inside of us, and we're going to be better friends and coworkers because of the strength we find in each other."
"Those are the answers you are looking for. I have a question for you, though. I told you that I am happy; when did that stop being enough for you?" JJ pushed away from the table, stood up, and walked out of the conference room.
Emily, who had been watching the whole exchange from the bullpen, where she was catching up on a large backlog of paperwork, paused in her work to observe JJ as she glided over to her office, emerging in the doorway seconds later with her purse in her hand and a determined, nearly furious glint in her eye. Emily carefully made her way up the stairs to JJ's office, placed a hand lightly on her arm to turn her around, and waited for the blonde center of her world to respond.
"Hey."
"Hey." JJ's voice had all but disappeared, which was a sign to Emily that she was starting to retreat. Because the woman she loved was fast becoming her favorite book, it was only a matter of seconds before Emily was able to read her face and determine the next best step.
"Jayje, honey, please look at me." Emily placed a finger under her chin and tilted her head up until their eyes met. "What do you need? Do you need to go home?"
"I just ... need to forget. I need to go home and forget everything but us. Can we do that?"
Nodding, Emily quietly replied, "Of course. I'll order the pizza and you can pick the movie. Sound like a plan?" Taking the receding tide from JJ's blue eyes as a yes, she wrapped an arm loosely around her waist and led them out of the building and back to the house they shared.
The best intentions, JJ chuckled, as she settled further into Emily's embrace on the couch they now occupied. Emily had only managed to stay awake long enough to eat two slices of pizza and watch the first twenty minutes of the movie before nodding off. She was so tired that she would have fallen asleep with pizza crust hanging out of her mouth if JJ hadn't removed it for her. But her simple plan to distract JJ had mostly worked, and JJ was grateful for the break in her thoughts.
"Love you, too," came a voice still heavy with sleep.
"Huh?" JJ was perplexed. "I mean, I love you, obviously, but I don't remember saying anything, and I've been awake the whole time. Did I start thinking out loud or something?"
Emily shook her head, and with the index finger of the hand on the hem of JJ's shirt, pointed to her other hand, while JJ watched in shock as her thumb, which she thought was just stroking the back of Emily's knuckles, traced endless hearts on the back of her hand.
"That's what woke me up. You've been doing that for a while now. You didn't know?"
"Hm-mmm. Seems my thumb has a mind of its own. But now that I know what I'm doing …." She bent down and brought her lips to rest briefly on the back of Emily's hand, right in the center of the heart her thumb had drawn seconds before.
Emily tugged on her shirt, and JJ squirmed until she was facing her, nearly falling off the couch and landing in the box of pizza on the coffee table, with the brunette's strong arms the only security she ever needed. Laying one hand on Emily's cheek, JJ began placing kisses on her temple, her forehead, and both her cheeks before leaning in to claim Emily's lips.
The kiss was unhurried, that rare mix of sweetness, joy, gratitude, patience, with longing and need replaced by the satisfaction of wishes and promises fulfilled, wanting nothing because having everything already; it was that blend we call love, a label that can describe in part but never contain all the things it means to the people fortunate enough to feel it, and to have it returned. Arms and legs tangled, and the women were pulled together so close that the absence of space between them became a sort of promise, that no matter how far apart they may find themselves in the days and years ahead, they would promise each other never to feel further apart than they were at this moment.
"Hey, Em?" JJ nudged her slightly.
"Yeah, baby?"
"Be my girlfriend?"
"Of course. Be mine?"
"Silly. I've been yours since the day we met. We're just making it official."
**EPILOGUE**
look
by E.E. Cummings
look
my fingers,which
touched you
and your warmth and crisp
littleness
-see?do not resemble my
fingers. My wrists hands
which held carefully the soft silence
of you(and your body
smile eyes feet hands)
are different
from what they were. My arms
in which all of you lay folded
quietly,like a
leaf or some flower
newly made by Spring
Herself,are not my
arms. i do not recognise
as myself this which i find before
me in a mirror. i do
not believe
i have ever seen these things;
someone whom you love
and who is slenderer
taller than
myself has entered and become such
lips as i use to talk with,
a new person is alive and
gestures with my
or it is perhaps you who
with my voice
are
playing.