It's a long one... the chapter I mean ; )
Fluff and stuff.
Thanks for your comments so far.
Chips x
Saturday, 29th October 2016
11.15
I look at Sonja cautiously. "You're not angry?"
Sonja smiles and says, "No. I mean why would I be? There is nothing I can do to change how you feel."
"I can understand if you are though." I rationalise. "I would be too but I couldn't help falling for him. It wasn't Isak's fault."
"Are you happy with him?" She asks.
I nod and I know there is a silly, silly grin on my stupid face. "Very."
"Okay." She takes my hand then pulls me into a hug.
This is going so much better than I thought it would. I was sure that breaking up with Sonja would end in tears (i.e. my tears on account of her stabbing me with a sharp object repeatedly) but she is being surprisingly chill. I hug her back.
She whispers in my ear,
"You do realise that he'll leave you when you go crazy- which you will. He won't stay once he finds out you're a nutcase."
I feel a sharp painful jab in my side.
-:-:-:-:-
I sit bolt upright, gasping, and look down. I don't have a knife sticking out of me. I am not bleeding out.
Fuck. My heart's beating hard and I can still feel the anxiety and fear generated by Sonja's words in my dream. They reminded me of everything that I would have rather forgotten; 1) that I need to dump Sonja and 2) that, at some point, I will need to tell Isak about THAT part of me.
I fall back into the bed and force myself to calm down. I lie on my front and hug a pillow. It and the sheets have a familiar musky scent; citrus and sweat. Normally it makes me feel horny and frustrated. Right now Isak's smell gives me warmth, comfort and hope. I burrow my face into it and wonder where he is. He has probably gone to take a leak so I think back to what happened between us last night. It had felt like a figment of my imagination. But it was real. The proof is that I'm here in Isak's room and wearing his clothes; a muted blue cotton tracksuit and a white t-shirt with a Jesus emblem on it.
"Get it?" He said last night, huge grin on him as he handed me the top. He thought he was making the funniest visual joke in the world. "Because you were dressed as God today!"
I close my eyes again and wait for Isak to come back to bed.
-:-:-:-
I must have dosed off because I am awoken again by noise at the bedroom door. I force an eye open. There is a short fight with the door handle then Isak comes in looking damn fine and holding two big mugs in one hand and a plate full of open sandwiches in the other.
He balances the mugs carefully, staring at them intently with his tongue slightly sticking out in concentration, as he negotiates his way into the room. He closes the door with his butt.
"Good morning." I smile as I roll over onto my back and stretch out.
Isak jolts in surprise. "Good morning. I thought you were sleeping."
He stands nervously near the door.
"Just got up."
I sit up.
I can relate to his nerves. I am just better at hiding them. What happened last night between us was amazing but also not planned. We have to find our feet; figure out how to be around each other now that things have changed.
I just hope he doesn't regret it; our kisses, cuddles, messing around and sleepy talks until we fell asleep.
I sniff. "Is that coffee?
"Oh." He looks down as if he has forgotten what he was carrying. "Yeah. Um. I made us breakfast."
"Sweet."
This feels awkward. I just wish I could read his mind.
He looks at the plate in his hand. "I didn't know what you liked, except cheese, so it's just cheese on bread..."
"Yeah. Nice."
"... and berries."
He places the plate on the bed, next to me. It is a mass of unevenly cut, drying cheese on fresh looking bread slices and unwashed blueberries. It's a simple enough dish but it bears the hallmarks of someone who doesn't normally feed themselves. He has had a brave stab at trying to on this occasion.
I find that so endearing.
Has he done this for me?
He hands me my mug then dips into his back pocket and extracts a crumpled kitchen paper towel which he has carefully folded into a triangle. He tries to neaten it up, flattening it with his hand against his thigh, before handing it over. "Sorry. Here."
"Thanks. Breakfast in bed. Nice." I raise an eyebrow as I pop a berry into my mouth then pick up a sandwich. I take a bite out of the brunost and brown bread sandwich. "Yum."
He appears to relax a little but he doesn't budge from standing at the side of the bed; hugging his mug. "Did you sleep okay?"
I nod. "You?"
"Yeah."
He isn't eating. Maybe I should talk about something light and inconsequential to relax the atmosphere. "How many of you live here?"
"Four. You've met Noora and I've told you about Eskild. Then there's Linn. She goes to university with Eskild. They're doing business studies. Second year. Noora is still-"
"You're making me nervous standing there." I say, interrupting him suddenly because I am tired of him being so far away from me. "Sit. Please… for my nerves."
"Okay."
I take another bite out of my sandwich while he rounds the bed and crawls onto it. He pauses then sits right next to me, mug in hand.
He turns to face me and his knee brushes against my leg.
"I have a confession to make." He whispers.
I raise my eyebrows encouragingly while munching away.
"I stole the bread from one of them."
"Eskild?"
He gives me a small smile. "No. Noora. She's always well stocked. If you see her you must act as if you don't know anything about any bread."
"So I'm not the only criminal then?" I give him a sly look.
"Cutting a few slices of bread from a loaf is not the same as breaking into someone's house to use their swimming pool."
I look at him, confused. "Sorry, what?"
His cheeks pink up as a small grin graces his face. "Last night… it was crazy, wasn't it?"
I look at him blankly. "What about it?"
"Um-" Isak says. "You know. What happened…"
"I don't know what you are talking about." I say.
"You're joking."
"I'm not. I can't remember a thing."
I don't know why I'm playing. I've got to learn that there is a time for jokes and a time to be serious but it's a coping mechanism and it works for me so...
Of course I remember EVERYTHING about last night; leaving the girls, cycling through town, breaking into the house, jumping into the swimming pool, our first kiss, getting caught and escaping, coming back here and having a shower, chatting and giggling, kissing, cuddling and messing around until we finally fell asleep together.
I remember EVERYTHING.
"Nothing?" Isak's face creases up in obvious disappointment.
"I think I blacked out. Drank too much." I am an asshole. This is not even funny. "I remember getting to your apartment for the pregame then nada."
"Did you drink that much?" He asks.
I nod. "I guess so."
"Oh." He looks completely dejected.
"Remind me." I say.
He stares at me.
My eyebrows go up.
His eyes narrow.
I smile.
He says, "You asshole."
"What?" I ask innocently.
He grins. "That's not nice!"
I laugh. "What?!"
"You remember!"
"I don't!"
He giggles. "Why are you like this?!"
I love his laugh so I stare at him with a lovesick grin and wink.
I try to wink.
I really can't wink.
"No." He mumbles, "You're weird. Stop."
He reaches for a sandwich. I watch as he leans forward, to avoid getting crumbs on his top. His lips part and his tongue peeks out while taking a first bite. Isak has beautiful lips with a gorgeous Cupid's bow that's soft and addictive. They're mesmerising. He licks them and starts chewing. I find that the most fascinating thing in the world.
Without thinking I lean in and kiss him, while he is mid-chew.
He looks shocked.
Shit.
I detach my lips from his and sit back.
"Shit. I'll, uh, let you swallow first." I say awkwardly.
Slick, Even. Very slick.
He looks amused and baffled as he restarts chewing. "You could have just said you remembered like a normal person."
"Yeah true. I was trying to be funny."
When he is done swallowing he leans in, closes his eyes and presents his lips to me; a request for a kiss.
Who does that?! But okay. Sure. No problem. Gladly.
I lean in and watch as his lips part slightly.
I kiss him softly.
Delicious.
"I didn't forget obviously." I whisper against his lips.
He pulls back and wordlessly puts our coffee mugs and the plate on his side table. Then he takes my sandwich out of my hands.
"I was enjoying that." I mutter.
He nudges up closer to me on the bed and gives me a look that makes me forget my sandwich and not know what to do with myself.
I do know what to do with him though.
I pull him to me and his eyes widen with expectation. His mouth hovers inches away from mine, slightly open, yearning. He has a mole just over the left side of his mouth that holds my attention. With the exception of it and a few small moles, his face is enviably smooth and unblemished. Beautiful. I, on the other hand, constantly break out in spots. Fucking sucks.
I comb his hair back. He looks impatient and leans in even closer. Our noses touch and he closes his eyes. He sighs into my mouth as I tease him with the blow of warm coffee air against his parted lips. He grins. I gently rub my nose up against his, feeling the slope of it as I trace it from tip to bridge and then back again. My eyes close too so that I can savour the feeling of his skin against mine; the build up of tension and need. I kiss his cheek and forehead and he curls his arms around me. I press my lips against the tip of his nose.
Finally, I brush my lips gently against his and he goes soft in my arms; as if he loses substance and tone. I linger there and press softly. Once. Twice.
It starts off as the gentlest, sweetest of kisses that any Disney production would be proud of, all soft lips and wet sensual tongue, patience and vulnerability. I suck on his lower lip and he pushes into me even more. He smiles lazily when we part. I see that as encouragement so I deepen our embrace. Our tongues dance and mould and glide and he moans in the back of his throat. I push him onto the bed and he lands on his back with a bounce. I settle on top of him and make him feel my weight.
I want him to be mine if he'll have me.
I study his face, to make sure that he is okay with this. He looks up at me with a flushed expression; open lusty eyes, blown pupils and pink cheeks. Shit is getting real.
"You are so fucking hot, Isak." I tell him.
He bites his lip but it doesn't hide his smile. I coax his legs apart and move between them. We might be fully clothed but having him like this, splayed under me and pushing up against me, desperately, turns me on. He reaches up to kiss me but I pull back. I must be a sadist. Why deprive myself of him? I feel down his chest, over his belly and round his hips to settle on his waist. I am rewarded with a shudder that runs through his body. I lightly glide my fingers up his legs from hip to thigh to knee. I lift them up, first one then the other, encouraging him to wrap them around my waist.
He hooks his ankles together at the base of my spine.
"Okay?" I whisper.
He nods.
I wish I could film him now; looking the way he is. His eyes are heavy with need and his lips swollen by the bruises of our kisses. I make like I am going to kiss him again but stop shy. Instead I start to slowly grind on him, while our eyes stay connected; my hips pushing against him. His breath catches and he sighs softly, I press more firmly, rhythmically, imitating what I so desperately want to do with him. He closes his eyes, he can't look at me, and so I reckon the same thought has entered his mind. I feel him mirror by gyrations with his own and he reaches up.
We kiss again and it's hard and sloppy. It is charged with desire and unfulfilled longing. I feel the pulse of my erection against his butt. He must to and he doesn't push away. He draws me closer. He drags his hands around my neck then scratches down my back. It should hurt but it doesn't. His touch feels possessive as he sucks on my lips. I love it. He reaches down to the small of my back but goes no further. His hands settle on my waist, moving with the swing and sway of my hips.
I break our kiss only to help him pull off his t-shirt and hoodie. Then I take my hoodie off. We go right back to kissing but this time I feel his warm pale skin against me better and I feel the warmth of it on my fingertips as they trace his ribs and rub his nipples. I kiss one of the dusky pink nubs and he bows like an arrow off the bed then rewards me with our most ferocious kiss yet. Without breaking it, I tug at the waistline of his sweats and pull down on them.
Immediately, he stops me with a firm hand.
He breaks our kiss.
It is like being slapped out of nowhere.
"No." He says forcefully.
I stop straight away but it takes a moment to understand what's going on. I am still shaking off my lust.
I lean back but do not get off him completely.
He looks to have lost most of the desire he held in his eyes just seconds ago.
He lifts his hips up enough to push his sweats up to cover his bum cheek then he settles back into the bed.
"Sorry." He says breathlessly as he reaches up to rest his hands on my chest. He pushes a little so I think he wants me to get off him. I begin to roll off, feeling pretty shit about life, when he stops me. "No."
I stop.
He goes redder than he did when we were mock fucking.
"I fucked up somehow?" I guess.
He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. So he closes his eyes and buries his head in my chest and then whispers. "I've never done it before."
Oh. Okay. Stupid me. I had kind of figured that out already but I got carried away. I should have been a little more chill. I have unintentionally pushed him too hard. I shouldn't have pretend-boned him with my hard cock rubbing up against his bum, even with clothes on AND THEN wordlessly exposed his bum as if I was going to go 'all in' without due warning.
I wasn't going to go all in, not without some warning. I am not an animal. I just wanted to cop a feel of what I have staring at for weeks.
Shit. I am an animal.
"Okay." I say. "Cool. It's not a problem. We don't have to do anything."
"But I want to. It's just-" He shakes his head against my chest. He isn't ready or something. I get it. "I feel pretty uncool right now."
I coax him into looking at me. "Seriously, it's so completely chill."
And I mean it. I slowly get off him to lie on my back then pull him on top of me. That way he is in control. He flops, ungraciously on top of me and I smile.
"Okay?" I trace the worry lines on his forehead then the curve of an eyebrow. "I was actually telling Dick to calm the fuck down and chill."
Isak raises a dubious eyebrow.
"I did!" I insist. "And do you know what he said?"
"What?"
"Nothing, he is a dick, Isak. He can't talk!"
He snorts a laugh and I grin because some of my jokes are okay.
He turns pensive as he tugs at the white drawstrings of my hoodie. After a moment he says, "It's just... I don't think I can… today."
"Cool. No pressure."
He pushes up to lay a kiss on me then settles his head on my chest. "Cool."
"Cool." I echo then tease. "Actually what I really wanted to do was have breakfast but then you took my sandwich away and attacked me with your lust. I am a person, Isak. I don't like you making me feel like a sexual object!"
"I didn't attack you!" He smirks.
He sits up, puts on his top and hoodie again and grabs the breakfast plate. "Here you go."
"Thanks." I put my hoodie back on then pick up my half eaten sandwich.
He sits cross-legged next to me and picks up a sandwich too.
As I munch away I muse that this might be the best breakfast I have ever had.
-:-:-:-
14.30
We are lying on our backs on Isak's bed and have made a T shape. I am the horizontal arm of the letter and Isak, who is resting on my stomach, is the vertical one. I am trying to roll a blunt but it is not easy in this position.
"I'll do it!" He says as he tries to grab the bag of weed and wraps from me. "I'm really good at rolling joints!"
"Okay. Let's see."
He is all fingers and thumbs as he tries. I chuckle and take over after he has a few aborted attempts. "I got cramp in my finger." He says.
"Sure." I grin. "Watch and learn. I am great with my hands."
Yep. I want it to sound the way it does.
He grins and studies the ceiling while pulling at the drawstring of his hoodie. "I am better with facts and figures, I guess."
"Are you telling me that I am into a geek?!"
He glances at me just as I lick along the length of the edge of the wrap. We hold eye contact as I then roll up.
"I like geeks." I say.
"I'm okay with being a geek." He says with a small smile.
I light up and take a hit to get it going then pass the joint to him.
"The first time I tried this was last year." Isak coughs a little after inhaling then smiles. "I was at a cabin with my best friend."
"Jonas."
"How do you know his name?"
Shit. Careful. You'll give away your creepy stalking.
"I probably heard someone mention it at school." I say as I take the joint back from him. "How long have you known each other?"
"Since primary school. We grew up together."
"Cool."
We pause to share the joint in silence for a few minutes; puffing rings and clouds of smoke into the air only to watch them dance, float then disappear.
When Isak speaks again his voice is thickened and coarsened. "Like, I'm not just about facts and figures, you know. I like other stuff too."
I smirk. He is starting to feel it. I can tell.
"Oh yeah? Like?"
"Yeah. I play basketball for my year. Did you know that? I'm a shooting guard."
Yes I know.
"No, I didn't know."
"Yeah." He nods. "I'm sporty."
He lifts up his jumper. "Look." He rubs his stomach lazily. He whispers. "Six pack."
He lowers his jumper down again.
"Very nice. Although, I've kind of already noticed that." I say with a grin.
He looks away, blushing.
"Oh yeah." He sighs and moves himself to lie by my side. He settles himself into a comfortable position, with his head resting on my inner arm and his body up against my side; like a koala hug...
"Do you play sport?" He asks lazily.
"Do I look like I play sport?" I rub my hand up and down his back. "I like getting out and walking and shit. Rambling and camping but day to day the closest I get to sport is gaming. I love a bit of FIFA. I haven't exactly got that whole buff body thing going on."
I'm not complaining. I like my beanpole body. I make it work! I've done okay with it so far!
Isak buries his head in my chest and mumbles something.
"What?"
He whispers, "I think you look good."
Well that deserves a kiss so I give him a peck on the lips.
"I game too." He says and vaguely lifts a finger to point it at his TV which is near the wall opposite his bed before hugging me again. "I have games if you want to play."
"I am happy doing this right now."
"Same." He grins softly. "I'll beat you later."
Cheeky fuck.
"You can try." I smile.
"You're into movies, aren't you?" He asks.
I peer at him. "Have you been stalking me?!"
Not that I can judge...
"No!"
I laugh. "Okay. Yeah, I love movies. To be honest I am into pretty much all genres but I'm really into romance; comedies, dramas... I don't care."
"Rom Coms?!" Isak giggles.
"Don't laugh! People think they are fucking popcorn. Light and fluffy shit. They think that they lack depth and meaning and many do. But as far as genres go, it is one of the hardest to do well and to get right. So when a Rom Com or drama is done right it can be a true work of art."
His eyes open so wide and he is so attentive when I speak. It's SO cute.
"Have you watched one recently?" I ask him.
"Um?"
He looks blankly at me.
Hi, high Isak.
"Have you watched a Rom-Com recently?" I repeat.
"I like-, I am not sure if it is a Rom-Com, but I've seen Romeo and Juliet."
What?!
"As in the Baz Luhrmann version?" I demand.
Is this guy for real or just a fantasy I have made up of my perfect guy?
"Yes."
"It is literally one of my favourite films ever!" I enthuse. "The music score is flawless. It's so innovative and unconventional!"
"Yeah. I really liked it." He says. He nestles into me and sighs.
It's weird how it means so much to me that he liked it.
"Did you cry when Romeo went to Juliet but he thought he was too late and he thought she was dead so he killed himself to be with her for eternity?" I tease.
"No!... Okay maybe a little. I was tired." He buries his head into my chest again.
I reflect on that movie and why it resonates so strongly with me.
"I guess they both thought that if they couldn't be together, if they couldn't have the life they wanted and be with the person they loved, then life just was not worth living. There's something really romantic about that, don't you think?"
"I think it's a really sad and a bit dark and morbid."
Oh.
"So what kind of movies are you into?"
"I watch action." He takes a deep drag from the joint and blows it in my face.
"Cool. I like those too. There are some great ones. Scarface? Hero? God, I love Hero. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Old boy? Enter the Dragon? Die Hard?"
"Um. I've watched Die Hard but there's one that's also pretty old but really cool but also a bit ridiculous that I saw recently at my mate Madhi's place. His older brother told us about it. It's where the hero, who's an FBI agent, and the villain actually swap faces. Like they have plastic surgery and literally have each other's faces. And at the end of the movie I think the hero, who looks like the villain, finally kills the villain, who looks like the hero, and the hero gets his face back."
How high is he? I take the joint from him.
"What movie is that?" I ask.
"Something with Nicolas Cage in it... where he doesn't overact." Isak gives my waist a squeeze with his arm.
I smoke and roll my eyes. "Is that even possible?"
"I think so."
-:-:-:-
15:15
-:-:-:-
18.15
We have barely moved from his bed all day and I am not sad or sorry about it. It feels so normal and chill being with him. There is zero stress. All the distractions in the world can't break this right now. Texts and calls from Sonja, Emma, his friends and my parents are going unanswered.
I like how Isak thinks, how it doesn't match my way of thinking but instead complements it, like two fitting puzzle pieces. We are governed by opposite sides of our brains. He is 'left-brained; logical, analytical, objective. I am 'right-brained'; intuitive, thoughtful, and subjective.
We have goofed around but I have also felt like I can open up to him a bit about myself; that 'secret' part of me. I sort of told him without outright telling him but couldn't fully come out with the words.
There is no chance he would stay with me if I told him about the depth of my mental health struggles right now.
He has been asleep for the last hour or so. I think the blunt's done a number on him and he needs to nap it off.
I can't sleep. Too much on my mind.
I continue to strum his back with the tips of my fingers as if he is my personal bespoke guitar that I can play and pluck when I want. His head is jammed into the crook of my neck and he snores softly into it. His skinny body is flush against mine; one leg is flung over me and one of his arms is draped across my chest. His body is so warm against mine. I don't need a duvet with him against me. He is a human water bottle.
I am getting pins and needles in my fingers so I stop and wriggle them.
He immediately opens his eyes. "What?"
"Shit. You are a light sleeper." I muse.
He rubs his eyes.
"I wasn't sleeping." He lies. He raises his head off me and then changes his mind and collapses back onto me.
I stifle a smile. "Okay."
"Were you saying something?"
"No, just looking at you."
He blushes. "Oh."
"Is that creepy?"
"A bit." He smiles.
I kiss the tip of his nose.
I pull my arm out from under him and give it good shake to get the feeling back into it.
I take a deep breath. "You wanted to know about the house we went to last night, right?"
I feel a stab in my chest.
He nods.
"It belongs to the parents of someone I went to Ungdomsskole with." I start.
Isak studies me closely. He chews his lower lip. He wants to say something.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing. Go on."
"That little blonde girl we saw is his younger sister. I barely recognised her. She's grown so much."
Isak's eyes widen. "Do you think she recognised you?"
I chuckle. "No. She was like four or something the last time I saw her. Trust me we are not getting caught."
"Phew." He says.
"Anyway. Their dad is the leader of an extreme right party, Johann Oversen. So yesterday, I wasn't planning on it, but I kind of thought that us being there would be a pretty awesome 'fuck you' to him."
"Oh. Okay." He frowns. "Very political."
"But mainly I thought that kissing you in water would be cool… and very hot. I've never done that before."
"Did you do media studies with him at Elvebakken?"
"Huh?"
"The son. Your friend."
Random question.
"Oh no. Anders didn't go to Elvebakken."
"His name is Anders?" Isak looks confused for some reason.
"Yes. Why. What did you think he'd be called?" I give him a curious grin.
"I don't know. So where did Anders go?"
"A military school."
It is strange to talk to Isak about him.
"Fuck. That's tough."
Why aren't you telling Isak that you dated him?
"And you were close friends?" He asks.
"He was my boyfriend." I blurt out.
"Oh."
"Yeah." I say.
We speak at the same time:
"Do you still see him?" He asks.
"It was a long time ago." I say.
I look at him. "I don't know why it feels weird telling you that."
"It's cool." He says. "People have exes."
"You have that Sara chick." I say.
He looks at me oddly like, 'how could you possibly know that', then, "Don't remind me."
We let the elephant in the room- the fact that we haven't yet discussed Sonja and Emma- drift past us.
"It's always weird talking about exes to people you are into." I lean into him. "Like really, really into."
"Yeah, it is."
I give him a soft smile and he smiles right back.
-:-:-:-
20.50
Shit. I forgot to take my lithium this morning. How could I only remember now?
Isak nips out to go to the toilet so I search my wallet for my spare stash. I normally carry a few tablets just in case but there aren't any in there because I've been forgetting to take them at home a little more frequently recently and used up my wallet supply. Missing one dose shouldn't be a problem. I just have to remember to take them when I get home tonight.
"You okay?"
I look up and Isak is looking curiously at me. I think fast. I look into my wallet and then to him and say,
"You know all that hot sex you wanted us to have? It'll have to wait." I show him my open wallet. "No condoms or lube."
He looks shocked.
Idiot. You deserve that look. Why after what happened earlier? Why did you have to bring anal into it?!
"Kidding." I say.
Not really but…
"Did you want to go out for dinner?" He asks.
See. He isn't even going to respond to what you said because you are that creepy.
"I thought you were going to lock me up in here all day." I say. "Hide me from your friends."
"No." He laughs sheepishly. "They're all out now anyway."
"What were you thinking?" I ask.
"Kebab?"
-:-:-:-
21.30
The kebab shop is a short walk from his place and is teeming with people so the initial plan to stay there to eat is scuppered.
As we step out of the shop I absentmindedly comb my hand through his hair- it's his fault for not wearing a hat- and then gently caress his arm.
He coughs uncomfortably and discreetly pushes it away and gives me an awkward smile. "No."
Okay.
Don't be weird about what he just did, Even. It's his right not to be touched.
Yeah, but he didn't have a problem with it earlier when we were alone.
Yeah, but maybe he doesn't do PDA.
Can we rewind to how he was okay touching Emma's boobs and kissing her in front of everyone at the cuddle group pregame party? The issue is NOT public displays of affection.
I have a re-think, "Let's go to the park."
"Okay." Isak says.
Our neighbourhood park is just around the corner. We walk through the dimly lit concrete footpaths with our kebabs in hand.
"I normally go on these types of walks with my mum." I say as we walk side by side.
It's chilly but we are wrapped up warm in Isak's clothes. We eat, walk and talk.
"You do creepy park walks at night with your mum?" Isak says as he looks nervously around him.
"No! Nice walks during the day, normally near a lake or something."
"Do you get on with your mum?"
I nod and grin. "She'll do."
"I always find parks so creepy at night." Isak shudders. "We are literally the only people here. That can't be safe."
I smile. "I promise we are."
"They are so dark and quiet."
"There are park lights."
"You know what I mean."
I sit on a bench on the grass which is shadowed from the yellow lights by a tall tree and he sits next to me.
"I love that." I say.
He frowns.
"I mean. It's incredible that on one hand a park can be light, joyful and full of life; where everyone from womb to tomb can feel comfortable. And the next it is dark, shadowed, and empty and some can find it unwelcoming." I look over at him. "Same place, totally different vibe."
Just like me and my bipolarity.
"I guess." Isak replies.
"The last time I walked here at night some dude offered to suck me off in exchange for cash for his next heroin hit." I say.
"Really?"
"No!" I laugh. "What kind of neighbourhood do you think this is?!"
He shrugs. "Who knows?"
"I don't normally walk here at night."
"Then why are we here now?" Isak asks.
"Because I wanted to do something."
"What?"
So my sweet little wet dream, IsakYaki, Cute Caesar, has some unresolved issues regarding his sexuality. Here is some evidence:
He isn't out- no judgement. Just an observation. After we shared a moment at my place he acted like he didn't know me in front of his school friends. He's dating Emma. Could be because he too 'swings both ways' but I think it's more likely that she, and the long string of girls he's 'dated', have all been a smoke screen for his true sexuality given that he's never consummated his relationships. He has practically kept me in his room all day. I had two toilet breaks when I am pretty sure he knew no one would see me. I am not complaining- I loved having him all to myself- but I am just saying that he was HIDING me from people he knows.
Isak is literally hiding who he is away.
I can't identify with how he is feeling. I was lucky to know that my super liberal parents would be chill about who I fancied. But I can imagine that he must be really frightened to like who he really likes if he is working so hard to cover it up.
I wish I could tell him that he should just be honest and come out; that the majority of people really don't give a shit about who turns him on because it's 2016 and it's true. I wish I could tell him that if someone does have a problem then he can cut them out of his life. But I can't and I won't say these things because this is his journey. Experience has also taught me that the minority (with their ugly, close minded thoughts) can be closer than you think- a father- and cutting ties is not easy when what bonds you is blood and history.
Coming out is not always easy so he has to do it his way and at his pace.
"What? You are making me nervous." Isak forces a laugh. "Like, are you going to kill me or something? What did you want to do?"
I kiss him.
Out here in the middle of the park where it is dark enough to feel unobserved and not judged; hidden enough to feel protected from criticism. It's like stealing an underwater kiss in an underground swimming pool. In public but not. Maybe he'll feel as comfortable as he felt with having our first kiss.
He pulls back and looks around, worried. "I think someone is coming."
There are a group of girls talking and walking a fair distance away.
I whisper as I get closer to him. "It's just a kiss and they don't care."
Isak stares at them and one of the girls looks over at us fleetingly before returning to her conversation.
He looks back at me uncertainly.
After a moment he touches my cheek with a cold hand then he reaches up and presents his lips to me.
"Okay." He says. "Quickly."
"Okay?"
He nods and smiles. "Okay."
So I kiss him and we let our kebabs go cold.
I don't want to go home tonight.
-:-:-:-
Sunday, 30th October 2016
08.30
There is no point in trying to fight the creep in me anymore. I am staring at Isak while he sleeps. He is looking fit as fuck as he sleeps; all arms and legs, open mouth and pink cheeks wearing only his grey boxer briefs with their dark blue trim. The duvet is half off and half on him. Fuck, he has a nice bum.
Our kissing last night descended into some heavy petting. Clothes came off. My balls are still blue though. It's okay. I can handle this frustration. Who am I kidding? I'll probably die.
Leaving him is harder than I thought it would be but it has to be done. I need to take my meds and that means I need to get home. I can't skip two days in a row. That would be reckless.
I slowly get out of Isak's bed so as not to wake him. I look down at what I am wearing when I stand up. What even are these Super Mario boxers with dozens of Marios running around on them?! One thing they are not is sexy!
After the park when we got back, I had moaned that I hadn't changed my underwear in 24 hours. I laughed when Isak gave me these eye sores. He threw himself onto the bed laughing so hard that he was in stitches when I put them on. He literally rolled around the bed until he started howling that his sides hurt. Serves him right.
I tiptoe out of his room and bee-line to the bathroom as quickly as possible to clean up before getting dressed.
"Hi!"
I look down the corridor and am faced by a tall ginger guy who is looking at me as if he has just spotted a unicorn.
Shit.
This must be Eskild.
Isak. Is. Not. Going. To. Like. This.
Eskild looks at what I am wearing or not wearing, as the case may be. I try to style it as he walks up to me.
I smile. "Hi. I'm Even."
His face practically splits from the size of his smile. "You just came out of Isak's room!"
Damage limitation mode, Even.
I say. "I was just leaving so-"
I point at the bathroom.
"Those are his boxers." He points at the boxers. "I got them as a prank gift for him."
"Cool." I say.
"Sorry how rude of me. I'm Eskild." He presents his hand for a handshake. "Isak may have mentioned that I am the best. His hero and saviour!"
I can't help but smile. Eskild is like a ray of sunlight; exuberant, up and merry.
"I'm a friend from, uh, school."
I walk into the bathroom and he follows me in.
Shit.
"So you were here yesterday too?"
I fill my mouth with mouthwash to avoid answering the question, gargle, then spit it down the sink.
Eskild nods with a knowing smile.
I am just going to spray deodorant in key areas and get the hell out of here.
"Isak told me how the two of you met." I say because I feel I am being rude and my parents raised me better than that.
Also it is better to speak because otherwise it's just two guys standing silently in a bathroom with one of them only wearing Super Mario underwear.
"Oh yeah?" Eskild nods. "Underage and alone at a gay bar at 2 am in the fucking morning. He was drunk and crying in a corner. I took him home before something happened that he might regret."
I did not know that.
"Can I use your deodorant?" I ask. He brushes past me to reach a spray can and hands it to me. "Thanks."
"Want some breakfast?"
"No. I should go soon." Then I have a think. "Actually. Is it okay if I make a coffee?"
"Sure."
"Um. I need to pee now."
"Oh!" Eskild backs out of the bathroom. "Sure. It's been really nice meeting you."
-:-:-:-
I get back to Isak's bedroom with milky coffee (which is how he seems to like it) in a white mug. I put it on his side table, and realise that this was a stupid idea. By the time he wakes up it will almost certainly be cold.
I get dressed in my white God outfit, minus the wig, and borrow Isak's grey hoodie. Then I look at his bookshelf for a pen and paper. Pretty much all his school textbooks are for Biology, Physics, Chemistry and Advanced Mathematics. Plus he has an impressive stack of self-penned notes on the subjects.
Isak is a proper science-head. I rifle through a lever arch folder of old homework. He is acing his subjects but is particularly crushing Biology. For some reason I find that really sexy. Professor Isak Valtersen, chief scientist of the Institute of Biological Sciences with his partner the eminent independent film director Even Bech Næsheim...
I find what I am looking for. I quickly sketch something. A message for him.
I look over at him one last time and add a final sentence.
YOU ARE HOT
I place it onto the pillow I was using. Given his interests, he will probably find this lame.
-:-:-:-
The short walk from Isak's place to mine is sobering.
Reality kicks in.
I need to dump Sonja.
The thought scares me a little. She has not only been my girlfriend but also my support system and, at times, my one member fan club, for years. She is not a bad person and if she could ever see to forgive me someday I would want nothing more than to be her friend.
The truth is that we were probably never meant to get together but circumstances brought us into each other's lives and we made it work for four year. There were four good years because we liked each other enough, but it was not LOVE.
I never felt for her what I feel for Isak. Nowhere near.
Dad intercepts me as soon I get home and enter the living room.
"Oh thank God!" He says and pulls me into a hug. "Where have you been?"
"A friend's."
"Couldn't have hurt to let us know and fire off a text. Your mother has been frantic. She nearly went to the police."
"Sorry."
"And Sonja has been no help."
"What has she said?" I ask nervously.
"She seemed upset and said to ask you. She has been trying to reach you too. She says she doesn't know what has been going on in your head recently."
Mum runs into the room then.
"Oh! I thought I heard your voice!"
She looks up at me with relief in her eyes. But a second later she hardens. "NEVER EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN, EVEN BECH NÆSHEIM! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
"Yes, ma."
"Come here." She squeezes me so hard that I think I might pass out. "You'll be the death of me, young man."
"He was at a friend's." Dad says.
She peers at me. "A friend?"
I nod. She knows what/who I mean. "I took him on a walk in the park last night."
"Who?" Dad asks.
"Oh." Mum says. "So you want him not her then?"
"Who?" Dad asks again.
"Yeah. Definitely. I mean, I always knew from the beginning but I guess I wanted to know if he felt the same way."
I smile as she takes my hand.
"Hello." Dad says.
Mum says, "And he does?"
"Yes." I feel like a giddy kid.
"Who does what now?" Dad asks. "What have I missed?"
"Of course he likes you. You are the most amazing person I know." Mum gives me wet kiss on the cheek which I wipe down with the sleeve of Isak's hoodie. "But now you have to tell that poor girl. Be nice. She is a sweet girl really, just not right for my baby boy."
"Fine. Ignore me." Dad says. "I am only the third member of this family."
"I'm going to speak with her today." I say firmly. It would be wrong to wait any longer.
"I'm making pancakes for one." Dad says. "Just for me. You aren't invited."
Mum and I look at dad.
"Did you say pancakes?"
-:-:-:-
What do you guys think of my interpretation of Even's POV so far and his backstory? Plausible? A load of shit? Agree? Disagree? I would love your opinions? Also I first wrote a sex scene into this chapter but then couldn't shake off the feeling that they didn't have sex or anything approaching sex that weekend so that's why it turned out like this!
Chips x