Hold On
Author: Nightstar Fury from Nightstar Productions.
Rated: M for sex, language, attempted suicides.
Pairing: Hiccup/Astrid.
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD. Though I wish I did :p
Chapter 10.
Distant voices was something he'd begun to hear as he softly groaned before opening his eyes, he saw shadows at first but then blinking a few times their faces became clear. First he saw Astrid, then beside her his father. As it came more in to focus he saw Gobber and the other teens followed by the village. He couldn't see them all just that they were close by, he recognized the place he was in and that would be the hall. He'd blacked out right after the fight with Dagur. His body hurt in places he didn't know it could, it felt heavy and ached tremendously.
"Hiccup! You're awake...thank Thor..." Astrid said softly, worry clear in her tone.
"H–how long...have I been out?" Hiccup forced himself to try and sit up but he winced at the stomach pain where the injury on his side was.
"Do–don't move a lot...You'll open your wounds again." Astrid informed him.
"No I...won't...my ointment...is made from Toothless's saliva..." He coughed a few times looking around now seeing everyone was almost in a circle around him. "Have you all...just been standing here waiting for me to wake up?" Hiccup asked.
"Aye son...we were worried about you..." Stoick nodded.
"Yew passed out after landing by the hall with Toothless laddie..." Gobber now added.
"How long was I out?" Hiccup asked his question again.
"Few hours..." Ruffnut answered, Hiccup looked around and didn't see Toothless and panic quickly washed over his face.
"Too–Toothless...! Where's Toothless..." Hiccup asked quickly.
"Hey hey...it's okay...He's right outside." Astrid responded as someone opened the doors to the hall and the Night Fury bounded in to his human's side whimpering with worry and licking his face.
"He–hey bud...I'm okay, its okay see...Just took on a lot at once, haven't given my body time to heal from everything..." Hiccup told him as he rubbed the top of his head softly while Toothless purred nuzzling his face. Finally after a moment or two, Toothless settled down and sat beside Hiccup on the stone floor of the hall.
"Y–you sure...you're okay?" Astrid asked him. Hiccup nodded to her and it was now he noticed the decorated hall, the food laid out and more.
"What's...all this?" Hiccup asked looking around then saw the tribe slowly look guilty and sad.
"I–it was...a party for you, Hiccup...We planned a birthday party for you, its...why we wanted you in the village today, to show you we didn't forget...and that we care." Snotlout explained. Hiccup's eyes widened a little, they...tricked him in to the village to celebrate his birthday.
"So all those weapons...you broke them on purpose to get me here?" Hiccup asked, they nodded slowly to him.
"We understand if you don't want to celebrate...you took on a fleet of Berserkers by yourself, you look exhausted son." Stoick informed him calmly. "And...thank you for saving me, saving the village...I never would have seen Dagur's attack comin from behind, if it weren't for you...I'd be dead right now." Stoick added with his head down in a bow to Hiccup.
"Please...don't bow to me. I just did...what anyone would do...I saw an attack coming so I stopped it." Hiccup shrugged.
"Hiccup you...did so much more. You...stopped an ambush, saved your dad...and fought Dagur to protect us." Astrid exclaimed.
"We never would of survived an ambush of that size...We'd all be dead or hurt right now if it weren't for you..." Fishlegs interjected.
"You saved us...by yourself." Snotlout said.
"I only knew it was coming because Toothless saw the ships sailing behind the island towards the forest...I didn't want to start a panic so I took care of it myself..." Hiccup told them.
"Hiccup you dual wielded double headed axes, a sword, a shield, and daggers as if you'd been fighting your whole life...None of us...know how to dual wield..." Stoick told him.
"Its...really not that hard. I know Dagur plays tricks when he fights, so I wanted to be ready for anything. I don't know how to fight guys...I never have, I guess seeing that everyone could die or be hurt...instinct to protect kicked in, I was fighting on adrenaline...and when that wore off after the fight my body gave out on me." Hiccup mumbled as he slowly got up and stretched, cracking his neck, back, arms and legs.
"So I take it your leaving again?" Gobber asked him.
"Actually no...I was just stretching because my body feels like I've been sleeping in a box for a week. I'll leave again before it gets dark..." Hiccup retorted.
"Hiccup...If I can ask...Did...you mean all you said to Dagur?" Astrid asked him.
"Said what?" Hiccup asked curiously.
"That no matter what we've done to you...you'd still protect us...and this was your tribe and no would would get away with hurting us?..." Gobber questioned now.
"I never say anything I don't mean. Yes, I meant it. No matter what I do in life...Berk will always be my home and all of you will still be my tribe. So regardless of what I went through...I will still protect this island and the people residing on it." Hiccup stated firmly looking at them with serious eyes. "A chief protects his own. Whether I'm the chief or not...I will still defend this place as if I was. Because its my birthright, and I won't let my home, my island, or my people fall." Hiccup added as Toothless nuzzled his cheek.
"You're a good man, Hiccup...thank you for what you did." Astrid said softly. Hiccup only nodded to her,
"W–well its still...your birthday, and you're here...do you...wanna celebrate it?" Fishlegs asked curiously, it went silent a few minutes as Hiccup looked at them and then finally gave a soft smile.
"You know something...I'd...really like that." Hiccup replied gently.
"Well then its party time!" Someone in the back shouted.
"Happy birthday!" The rest yelled together and for once Hiccup was happy. They'd gone through all the trouble to set up a surprise party for him, tricked him in to coming to the village...and yet they still wanted to celebrate his birthday after everything. Was this what it felt like to be wanted? He'd never known the feeling before and if this was that feeling, he really liked it.
(5:30 At Night)
They'd been partying for an hour and 30 minutes now and everything was going great. Hiccup was laughing and having a good time with everyone, they all talked with him as he told his tale of realizing the Berserker's were there to trick and ambush Berk. He told them how he went to the cove to get his weapons, then set up traps, fought the ones who didn't get caught and then forcing all the men to run out in fear. Hiccup explained how he saw from the sky Dagur preparing to cut Stoick down and threw his axe to stop it.
No one could of believed it however they'd all seen it with their own eyes Hiccup taking on Dagur by himself, and they'd seen the men fleeing the forest with fear. No one expected him to be so capable of doing such things and it was now more clear than before Hiccup was certainly not useless. Toothless stayed by Hiccup's side through out the part until he noticed Hiccup getting tired, so he nudged him to make him look at the ground where he was writing, "You are tired my friend, perhaps an early night?"
"Awe bud but...I'm having so much fun..." Hiccup replied to him. Toothless started again, "You don't have too, I just to make sure your body heals up right. You've been going non stop since yesterday..." Toothless wrote. "I know, we'll go in a little while okay?" Hiccup smiled as Toothless nodded. Hiccup watched Astrid approach him now and give a soft smile.
"So you're enjoying the party?" Astrid asked him.
"Yeah...I am. A–are you?" Hiccup asked her.
"I'm just happy that...you're happy, Hiccup. We were...afraid you might just leave when you found out we lured you in to the village by saying Gobber needed your help in the forge..." Astrid said bashfully.
"It was a smart choice..." Hiccup told her making her eyes widen a bit, "I wouldn't have come if you hadn't used it. Good to know that people remember that the forge is probably my favorite place on Berk besides the cove...It felt good to work on the weapons again, and have people like what I did..." Hiccup gave a soft smile.
"I–I got you something..." Astrid said looking down gently.
"Y–you didn't have to get me anything, Astrid...seriously, the party is more than enough..." Hiccup replied quickly but he watched Astrid pull out a small journal and hand it to him, he stared at it a few seconds before opening the cover up and seeing a dried out, pressed purple flower past the main cover. His eyes widened now as he looked at her with shock. "Where did...you get this?" Hiccup asked slowly.
"I–I've...always had it...since I was about 4...It's...the one you gave me..." Astrid replied shakily not knowing he would respond. Hiccup just stared at it for a while then looked back at her.
"I–I gave this to you, Astrid...why are you giving it back?" Hiccup questioned.
"Because...I wanted to show you...that I remembered, that even through all the times...I gave you trouble...I never got rid of this flower, it's the first one you ever gave me when we were kids...and I have all the others ones too...pressed in a book at home. I wanted you to know...how sorry I am for turning on you when we were 10, Hiccup. I was...an idiot, a fool to let go of such an amazing friendship...I remembered everything." Astrid said trying to keep from crying.
"Astrid...you don't...have to apologize to me...I get why you stopped...I was a loser, a nobody..." Hiccup closed his eyes.
"Hiccup don't talk like that! No you're not...I showed you this...because I want you to know that I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you...and I'll anything to have this back again, the friendship we had with this flower. You used to bring me one every week...for 6 years...I–I want that back. I want...my Hic back, my best friend." Astrid said lightly.
Hiccup seemed to sighed as he closed the book and gave it back to her, "I don't know if we can ever be like that again, Astrid...You were...more than my best friend. You were my crush, the girl I liked and wanted to be with...wanted to marry and have beside me when I'm chief..." Hiccup told her.
"Then I won't stop until I'm that girl again, Hiccup. I promise you that right now...I'll be that girl again because I want to be–..." She felt Hiccup put a hand to her mouth to make her be quiet.
"Come outside with me? I want to show you something..." Hiccup said calmly, she nodded and they turned to walk out, Toothless following them.
"Where ya going lad and lass?" Gobber asked, Hiccup faced him calmly.
"Just for a walk, need a little fresh air is all. We'll be back soon..." Hiccup told him with a smile before they left so no one else could stop them. Once outside in the setting sun, Hiccup climbed on Toothless's back and positioned his feet then he turned to face Astrid and offered his hand to her.
"Wh–what are you doing...you said you wanted to show me something..." Astrid asked a little bewildered by his action.
"I am going to show you something...we need to fly to see it. Climb on..." Hiccup told her.
"I–I don't know about this...is Toothless going to let me?..." Astrid blinked a little nervously.
"Yes he will, now come on or we'll miss it." Hiccup urged, not wanting to upset him she took his hand and pulled her up behind him. "Do you trust me, Astrid?" Hiccup asked.
"I trust you." Astrid nodded.
"Then hold on tight." Hiccup smiled as he clicked Toothless's tail open, Astrid quickly wrapped her arms around his waist when Toothless launched from the ground and took to the sky. Astrid buried her face in his back with her eyes closed in fear while Hiccup looked back at her, "Alright bud...level out..." Hiccup rubbed his head, Toothless adjusted his wings and flew in a glide just below the cloud barrier. "Astrid...open your eyes and look..." Hiccup whispered to her. Astrid slowly opened her eyes and looked around, her eyes widening in shock at the sight.
She couldn't believe how high up they were, she carefully let go of Hiccup's waist and sat up running her hand through the white, soft clouds and smiled wide at the feeling. She could...touch the clouds, Hiccup took her flying with him so she could feel what it felt like to fly so high in the sky. "This is...amazing..." Astrid gasped out. The view of the sun setting was breathtaking from this point in the sky, Astrid loved it. She had never in her life seen something so beautiful.
"Yeah, its pretty cool right...I do this every night around sunset...you think touching the clouds is amazing, just wait until you see this...take us up bud." Hiccup told his friend, Toothless warbled in delight and flew up through the clouds and Astrid had to hold on tightly again as they went straight up, when they broke through the clouds Astrid gasped at the sight. It the clear, night sky above them,
"Oh my...gods..." She breathed out.
"You ain't seen nothing yet...look right over there..." Hiccup said as he pointed to a spot on the left of them.
"I–I don't see anything, Hiccup..." Astrid stated slowly trying to figure out what he was telling her to look at.
"Just...give it a minute..." Hiccup chuckled, she watched closely then her eyes widened at what she saw. The Northern Lights were right beside them, she lied...this was breathtaking.
"Hiccup this is...I don't have the words to describe it...You do this every night?" Astrid asked him.
"Beautiful right?...This is the view I get every night before I go to sleep, to remind me that though its hidden by clouds it is still always there. That not everything is always as it seems when you first look at it, it...reminds me of myself. Everyone thought I was weak, useless, worthless...just a Hiccup but no one knew what was beyond that until today that is...Now everyone has seen the truth, and I show you this to make sure you remember that not everything is always so plain to see and when you look hard enough...there is a lot more to be seen. I've always been able to do the things I do now, but no one noticed looked past my twig-ness to ever see it." Hiccup said softly.
Astrid put her arms around his waist again gently and rested her head on his shoulder smiling. "I'll never forget, Hiccup..." Astrid said lightly. "Thank you for showing me this..." Astrid added as they flew over Berk now, it was amazing to see from above.
"You're welcome, ready to go back?" Hiccup asked her.
"I–I was hoping we could talk more...if you want too that is?..." Astrid asked him.
"I'd like that, we'll go to the cove..." Hiccup nodded as he directed Toothless that way towards Raven point, after 5 minutes they landed safely and he got off Toothless and then helped Astrid down. "Go on and relax bud, there's a basket of fish in the shack for you." Hiccup rubbed his head while he warbled and headed towards the shack. "We're going for a walk alright, we'll be back later." Hiccup smiled to him, Toothless nodded as Hiccup now headed out of the cove with Astrid following.
Now they walked in the forest together silently. "Hiccup I...I really am sorry for everything. I never...wanted to hurt you and for the life of me...I can't figure out why I ever..." Astrid trailed off sadly.
"Astrid. It was in the past, and what happened did happen no matter how much you regret it now." Hiccup told her. "You were afraid." Hiccup added making her look over at him with a little shock.
"What...do you mean?" Astrid asked.
"We were best friends until we were 10, people started giving me trouble when I was 8 and in those two years you saw everyone turned on me...even the other teens, and my father. And you were afraid that if you stayed my friend...they'd turn on you too. So you joined them..." Hiccup turned his head from her.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. You're right...I was afraid...I saw that last night...my nightmares reminded me what I did...that I gave up my best friend because I thought people would turn on me if they saw me hanging out with you..." Astrid tried not to cry again.
"What do you mean your nightmare reminded you?" Hiccup questioned now.
"After we found you last night so near death, realizing that you left Toothless in the cove and went to the point...trying to kill yourself again. None of us could sleep and we didn't want to leave you, so we camped there. The others fell asleep around 2 I guess, I don't remember. I stayed up though until 4 but sleep beat me and I knocked out...in my dream, I saw us as kids when we were 4 and you gave me that flower...I saw everything from third person view, seeing how we promised to be best friends forever and always...That you said you'd make sure your dad got us married so we could rule together..." Astrid told him gently.
"That was it?" Hiccup blinked.
"No...then it faded to us being 7...and you telling me Snotlout hurt you and called you names. I told you to ignore them because one day they'd all have to listen to you and I'd be by your side when you became chief...But then...it changed to when we were 10 and everyone was hurting you in the village...I kept begged them to stop by saying 'No, don't hurt him...he didn't do anything wrong' as my older self but of course no one listened because these were just my dreams, my memories of what happened. After they were done beating you, my 10 year old self came forward and..." Astrid closed her eyes tightly.
"You saw what you did and said to me...and you couldn't believe you had..." Hiccup finished for her.
"When I heard what I said, I cried out yelling at myself 'Don't tell him that, you promised to be his friend forever and always'. But then as it continued I kept pleading for it to stop then when you said about us getting married, I said 'We will, we will Hiccup, don't listen to her...she doesn't mean it...I don't...I didn't mean it' and then after I walked away as my younger self...I dropped to my knees crying and saying 'No...no...I didn't...say those horrible things to him...I didn't...I–I...Oh gods! Hiccup, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it, I didn't mean any of it...You are my best friend! I want to marry you and run Berk together as chief and chieftess!...You're not weak...you're not useless or worthless...I didn't...mean those things...' but it didn't matter because I couldn't change what I'd done..." Astrid couldn't face him, she couldn't bring herself to do it.
"That's the funny thing about time, once something happens it becomes the past and the past can never be changed. When something is done, it cannot be undone." Hiccup said quietly.
"That wasn't the worst of it, that isn't what made it a nightmare to me..." Astrid stopped walking and looked at him sadly. "What made it a nightmare was the last scene I saw...you standing on the cliff getting ready to jump and saying, 'I have no one. Everyone hates me. I'll never be chief, I'll never be anything more than a useless hiccup.'." Astrid saw him look over at her.
"But I never said that the day on the cliff." Hiccup stated.
"I know, but like I said...this was a nightmare to me...showing me...I think my worst fears." Astrid said lowly.
"Alright...continue then..." Hiccup said unsure if he wanted to hear the rest.
"I yelled to you 'Hiccup! No...No that's not true! You will be chief, you'll be the best chief we've ever had and I'll be there by your side...as your friend, your wife...your chieftess! Just like I promised I would be...forever...and always you and me together! Don't do it...don't jump! Please...please don't leave...I didn't mean those things I said!' But you stepped towards the edge closer and I froze. You said 'I don't...belong here...I'm just...invisible. I'm weak...I have no courage, no strength, no friends...no anything...I don't mean anything to anyone, no one cares about me...they don't need me around...I'm just in the way...'." Hiccup could see she was crying again, that this nightmare of hers had scared her badly and Astrid didn't scare easily.
"And...did I jump after that?..." Hiccup asked.
"Not right away no...After you said what you did, I added 'You're not invisible, turn around and look at me. I'm right here, just turn around, Hiccup! You have amazing strength and courage! Y–you made the dragons leave us alone, you befriended a dragon! You make amazing weapons! You mean something, Hiccup...to everyone...to me! I care about you, I need you...I–I love...you...'." Hiccup looked over at her slowly now, in shock of what she said. "At first I froze too, questioning myself...if I'd really just said that. Because this...was me watching you as I am now. A third person view, a vision I couldn't stop only watch in horror. When I realized what I'd said, I also realized...it was true and I meant every word and I admitted it to myself by saying... 'I do...gods I do. I love you...I LOVE YOU HICCUP!' I practically screamed it...but...it wasn't enough." Astrid closed her eyes tightly dropping to the ground with her face in her palms.
"I–I still jumped...didn't I?..." Hiccup forced himself to ask. He couldn't believe it, Astrid...loved him? She just admitted to it. Her dream was a nightmare showing her the worst fear she could of ever known which apparently was losing him and being powerless to stop it, all she could do in this nightmare was just watch it happen, watch him kill himself.
"You said 'You broke your promise...You left me...just like them...Forever and always doesn't exist...sooner or later...everything comes to an end...including life. Goodbye, Astrid...' Then you jumped...I felt my heart stop and for a few seconds I waited for Toothless to come and save you...but he never did. You fell in to the water, the waves drowning you and crashing you in to the jagged rocks...that's when I woke up and took a few minutes to realize I was awake, first thing I did was ask Toothless if you were still alive...then you woke up and you know the rest from there..." Astrid choked out sobbing still. Hiccup watched her on the forest floor breaking down in a fit of tears about the nightmare so he did the only thing he could think to do, he dropped to his knees and pulled her in to his arms for a comforting hug.
Astrid froze at his action, she didn't know what to do so she just cried against his chest. Hiccup didn't say anything, he didn't know what to say about any of what he just heard. Astrid's dreams showed her their childhood and up until she betrayed him, then she saw her worst fear come true...him killing himself. She was afraid of him dying, and that fear made her realize that she loved him. How did one even respond to that? Hiccup liked her yes, he always had and he wanted to marry her way back then. Did he still want that? Astrid said she wanted those things in her dream, and admitted to wanting them still.
Hiccup finally pulled from the hug and lifted her chin up so her teary blue eyes were looking at his. "I–I'm...s–so sor–sorry Hic...cup...I–I'm so...sor–sorry..." She sobbed to him.
"I forgive you, Astrid." Hiccup said gently, Astrid's breath got caught in her throat hearing what he said but before she could ask she felt him lean in and press his lips to her deeply. Her eyes widened with shock, Hiccup was...kissing her! Astrid felt more tears stream down her cheeks as she melted right in to it closing her eyes and kissing him back.