It had been a month now. A month after finally putting her foot down, Quinn's life was still nothing but darkness. She willed herself to ignore the pain and encourage numbness for it was far better than the constant feeling of emptiness.

It had been a month now. A month after she was blindsided the way her world abruptly turning upside down, Rachel felt like a lost creature in her own world. It was like she was groping for something familiar in a dark place. She was lost.

Although the change of scenery had not brought the reprieve she was hoping for when she escaped New York, Quinn could not make herself regret her decision. An offer for the handling of a big merger in Los Angeles had been on the table for months but was left without any answer until then. After leaving the beach, without any hesitation, she called up her boss and informed him that she was willing to take up the case and fly to LA as soon as possible.

Finally tired of waiting for the blonde to call her, Rachel was about to leave the house to camp out at Quinn's apartment when Santana arrived at their doorstep. Not wanting to explain what she had been through the whole day, Rachel decided to forego her plan and just continue waiting for her best friend to return her calls. The diva, while not really comfortable lying to her wife, had no plans on cluing the latter of how she was hurting at the moment. She tried so very hard to act like her life was not practically in shambles just because a certain blonde lawyer had still yet to show up. However, when she and Santana were cuddled in their bed ready to call it a day and still no call nor text from Quinn, Rachel finally succumbed to her curiosity and trepidation and asked her wife if Amanda was able to go to work that day. When the diminutive brunette received an answer in the affirmative, the hole in her chest increased in size as the possibility that Quinn had purposely ignored her became evident. Rachel was racking her brains out for the reason behind her bestfriend's action. In the end, being Rachel Freaking Berry-Lopez, she resolved to herself to find out the truth.

The way she left things was like she had it all planned out for months instead of being a spur of the moment decision. By nighttime, everything was settled. The cases she was handling in New York were surprisingly smoothly and without hitch endorsed to the other partners. Quinn could not even recall vividly how she packed so quickly that by noontime the next day she was in front of the gate in JFK airport, waiting for boarding…waiting for the redemption she badly needed.

Rachel had always been a law-abiding citizen…that is, until now. She could not remember a time when she violated as many traffic laws as she drove like a mad woman to the airport. "WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOU, QUINN FABRAY?" she yelled in the confines of her car. "YOU CANNOT FUCKIN' DO THIS TO ME! NOT TODAY, NOT EVER!" her sobs were mixed with her growl of frustration and anger. She had read the text message for nearly a hundred times just so she can fully grasp the reality of what the blonde was implying.

Rach and S, I'm so sorry for the short notice. I accepted the offer to handle the merger in LA. I thought about it carefully and I've decided that it would really help me achieve my desire to be a Senior Partner. My plane leaves at 5 this afternoon. I'll call you as soon as I land at LAX. Take care, guys.

Upon settling of the words in her mind, the diva could literally feel her whole being shaking and seemingly the world was constricting causing her to have difficulty in breathing. "Something's happening but I have no idea what it is. She's slipping away and I don't know why and how to stop all of these from happening. What have I done, Quinn? Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting me this way? Why?"

Her phone was buzzing with calls and texts from her diva since yesterday. All sorts of communication were ignored. It took all of Quinn's strength to do so. She had never refused or shunned any of Rachel's needs and wants. It was like a compulsion for her to cater to all of her best friend's requests. But she had to restrain herself now. She took a deep breath, turned off her phone and gathered her things to make her way to her gate and, with fingers crossed, start anew.

It had been a month now. But the emptiness she felt when she realized that Quinn really left was seemingly growing in depth. A big part of Rachel was furious at the blonde for leaving the way she did. Quinn didn't even give her the chance to say goodbye in person. Quinn cut all ties with no warning. But a bigger part of the diva was just plain miserable. She tried to act as if she was unaffected, for Santana's sake, but all her acting skills can only go far enough. Rachel needed Quinn. She needed her more than anything.

xoxoxoxo

"Hey, babe," Santana softly greeted her wife as soon as she stepped into their living room. Rachel was curled up on their couch. The Latina lifted the bent legs of the diva, so that she can sit at the end of the couch, and placed them on her lap.

"Hey," Rachel spoke as softly. Her eyes were closed but she wasn't sleeping. It had been a newly acquired habit of hers. She preferred to close her eyes, desperate to shut the world off and escape reality. She felt gentle fingers playing with her hair. It used to bring her comfort but she had long given up on convincing herself that the pain she was feeling would ever subside. She hated this. She hated the fact that she's hurting her wife because of Santana's inability to ease the ache in her chest. She knew that she wasn't fooling the Latina. She knew that her wife can see through all the acts she was putting up. She knew that Quinn leaving did not only break their friendship but was also causing the slow destruction of her marriage. She just can't seem to function. It was like the blonde brought with her the diva's spirit. But Rachel was sure of one thing. Whether or not it was intentional, Quinn brought with her a big chunk of the diva's heart.

Santana could see the struggle Rachel was fighting with. It had been a month now since Quinn left. The Latina was torn. She badly wanted to empathize with what her wife was currently going through. She wanted to assure Rachel that everything between her and Quinn would be alright. She wanted to mediate between the two. But the other part of her was pissed off. She's furious...because try as she might, she couldn't just accept that her marriage was starting to crumble just because Quinn left. She understood that the blonde played a big part in her wife's life but for her marriage to be dependent on the presence of a third person? That was just wrong. But as much as she wanted to confront Rachel about it, Santana feared the consequences. She knew that Rachel loves her. But the Latina was terrified of the answers to the questions bugging her mind since the day the blonde walked away from their life.

Looking at Rachel now, the diva seemed so defeated. It was breaking Santana's heart to see her wife this way. She loves Rachel. She never loved somebody as much as she loved the diva. For Santana, her wife was the reason for everything good in her life. She would give anything just to make Rachel feel how much she had made the Latina happy, content and in love. Continuing her caresses of the diva's hair, Santana tried her best for her voice not to show any hint of the bitterness and jealousy she was feeling, "Rachel? Babe? You wanna talk about it?"

Rachel didn't even have the strength to summon her voice. She feared that as soon as she opens her mouth, the sobs she had been keeping at bay would just escape and she wouldn't know how to stop. She had hurt her wife enough. She didn't have to rub it at Santana's face how terribly broken she was right now. How can you explain to your own wife that she was not enough to keep you happy…satisfied? Where can you possibly begin to make your own wife understand how conflicted you are…how you are suddenly second guessing not only your feelings for your best friend but also the main foundation of your marriage? So, instead of giving Santana answers she totally deserved, Rachel just shook her head while still keeping her eyes closed.

Seeing her wife struggling to keep herself together was pure torture for Santana. She closed her eyes and tilted her head, asking the universe to give her strength enough for the both of them. The past month was pure hell for the Latina as she cannot fully understand why they were going through this whole ordeal. It was like her wife was just there with her physically; emotionally, she was some place else. The Latina knew then it was time to talk. She cannot go through another day walking on egg shells in her own home, in her own marriage. With one final resolve, Santana opened her eyes and set her jaw. "Rachel, this has been going on for a month now. I think I've given you enough leeway to be like this. But…I am half of this marriage, Rachel!" Santana didn't realize the rising of her voice. But after becoming conscious about her fast rising temper, she tried to control herself. Yielding to her temper would not help the situation at hand. She let silence overcome and waited for the other girl to comprehend the Latina's need for answers.

The girl in question recognized the necessity of saying something. Santana was right. Rachel's dilemma was also affecting her. Their relationship had not been the same. She was not the same. Although she never intended to hurt Santana, she knew her wife was the biggest collateral casualty to her confusion about her feelings for Quinn. If only she can stop herself from having these thoughts, these feelings. And because she could not put a stop to this internal turmoil of hers, she must at least try to reach out to her wife, even if it meant lying not to herself but also to Santana. "I don't know what to say, Santana. I don't even know why I am being like this." Rachel then decided to sit up but still failed to look at the other girl. "I am sorry for not being myself for quite some time now. I…I just miss her. She had always been by my side for 10 years, San. I guess I'm just not used to her not being around."

Santana was anything but naïve. She was not a stranger to having conflicting emotions, especially those unwelcomed and had the capacity to turn your world upside down. She had been with the woman for 10 years, she wanted to believe that she knows her well enough to see through the walls she was building up. But the thing was, the Latina was not sure what to do. Was she ready to hear what lies beneath the walls? She stared at her wife for a long moment. The diva had her head bowed and her shoulder hunched. The sight caused so much ache at the Latina's chest. No matter what Rachel was hiding from her, it could not make her feel worse than seeing her wife this disheartened. Taking the hand resting on Rachel's lap on her own, Santana tried once more to soothe the hurt her wife was feeling, "Maybe she just needed time away, Rach. You are important to her. She won't last with this drama she created. She will soon come back to her senses, babe." Santana wrapped an arm to Rachel's shoulders before kissing the top of the smaller girl.

It didn't go unnoticed to Rachel that while they were obviously talking about a certain blonde, her name had yet to be said. For Rachel's part, she missed saying that name to the girl's face. She missed the other nicknames they had for one another. She missed the way they would playfully bicker. She missed being comforted by the blonde. She missed hearing her voice. She missed her face. She missed the scent she would always catch whenever they hugged. She missed the pecks on the cheek they always shared. She missed the way they would say I love you's. She missed her…she just missed her. With each of these confessions, the sorrow that had been building up for the past month was quickly surfacing and clogging the diva's chest. Until the diva's poor little heart could no longer contain it, it just spilled over. It started with a choked sob and then grew to a massive crying of pain and frustration.

Santana could not do anything but to hold her wife tighter as the clear grief was tearing Rachel apart. She wanted to absorb even a tiny amount of hurt her wife was feeling. She had never witnessed Rachel this broken, this defeated, this pained. It was like being slapped in the face seeing your wife grieve like this because of another person but Santana loved her so much she still can't help but console her. "Ssshhh…it's gonna be alright, okay? It's gonna be alright."

Instead of being consoled, Santana's words were turning her grief to rage. How can she say that everything's going to be alright? How can she downplay the pain I am currently experiencing? Rachel saw nothing but her hurt and frustration. She pushed away the Latina and roughly stood up, pacing the living room, gruffly rubbing her face, pulling her hair. She was transported to another time, another place where her pain was the only thing that mattered. "It's not going to be alright!" Rachel growled. "Don't you see it? She's gone! She's gone and nobody knows if she'll ever come back! She cut me out, Santana! She cut me out! Everyday…everyfuckingday I call her, I text her…but nothing! Nothing! And I have no fucking idea why she's acting like this! I have no fucking idea what I did! One moment she was telling me that she'll come back to ME as soon as she can then BAM! She's gone! With no fucking explanation…she just left…" Rachel was livid. She was far too gone to care if the whole neighborhood heard her rant.

This was all too new for the Latina. Try as she might to easily understand and shove away her own pain caused by what was spilling out of Rachel's mouth, Santana had to close her eyes, pinch the bridge of her nose and gather all the patience she could summon before standing up and advancing to her wife. She tried to grab the other girl by the shoulders as she spoke, "Calm down, babe. I had no idea that you're hurting this much. For the past month, you shut me out. I am here to listen, Rach…I'm just here," Santana softly assured her wife.

But Rachel was not having any of it. She shrugged off her wife's arms and backed away. "It's not enough," Rachel all but shouted, not really thinking clearly as she added, "You're not enough!"

"Wh-what?" Santana's world just halted right then and there. She can feel her knees buckling, her lips quivering, her chest contracting. Her breath came in staggered puffs. She took a few steps back in order to lean on a wall as she felt her feet failing to hold her weight any longer.

Once the words were out of her lips, Rachel soon realized what she just uttered and immediately regretted them. With wide eyes, she saw the effects of the statement on her wife. "I- I-," the diva was lost for words as she slowly took few steps towards the Latina.

Santana could not still believe what she heard. She shook her head a few times, attempting to understand what was happening, trying to shake off the words from her mind. "I am not enough?" she whispered. She lifted her head and leveled her eyes to her wife's, "I am not enough, Rachel? But…but I am your wife…I am your wife…"

Rachel was now standing so close in front of Santana. The diva never intended to hurt her wife. As she witness the former HBIC completely shocked and terribly hurt, Rachel wanted nothing but to slap herself in the face. How can she hurt somebody who had loved her for 10 years? She cupped her wife's face in order to hold the taller woman's gaze. "I am so sorry, babe. I did not mean it. I really, really didn't mean any of it."

Hearing the apologies being thrown to her by her wife, Santana's shock was broken and replaced by a rising anger. She brusquely grabbed the diva's wrists and pushed her away. "You didn't mean any of it, Rachel? Then why the fuck did you say it!" Quickly gaining back her momentum, Santana pushed herself away from the wall and stepped forward to her wife with a predatory glare. She could see Rachel cowering from her stare and gait. "Let me tell you why. You said it because you meant it. You meant every fucking word," unlike Rachel, Santana was not shouting. She was enunciating every word through clenched teeth. The Latina continued to advance towards the diva until she had her pinned between her and the wall. Even without touching the diva, Santana was radiating a force that could intimidate anyone.
"So don't even tell me you didn't fucking mean it and that you are sorry for uttering them. I had up to here," she motioned with a palm over her head, "with your denial of what's truly going on between you and her. For ten years, I felt that I was sharing you with her. For ten long years, I kept my mouth shut. You owe it to me to be fucking honest because as I said….. Not her but me. Now, goddammit, tell it to me straight, WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH, RACHEL?"

They had fought before. Many times in the past they had let their temper collide. But she had never seen the Latina this mad. Her wife all of a sudden transformed into the Santana Lopez that Rachel knew in high school. And just like how her younger self reacted to the cheerleader, Rachel shrank and could not even meet the other girl's terrifying gaze. Without being touched, she trembled with the forceful presence of her wife. As much as many thoughts were currently running through her mind, the diva could not seem to form coherent words. She was opening and closing her mouth, words evading her.

"ANSWER ME, RACHEL!" the Latina could not seem to contain her rage as she slammed her palm on the wall near the side of the diva's head. Santana was no longer in control of her anger.

Rachel cringed at the act of Santana. Although she was not hit by her wife, the smaller brunette cried harder. She covered her face with both hands as she slipped on the wall until she was in a crouching position. Her whole body was shaking with every sobs she was letting loose. She willed herself to speak. Santana was right, she owe it to her. "I-I…I really don't know what to say, Santana. I love you. I love you so much. But…but…"

"BUT WHAT?"

"I need her, too. I am so lost right now," Rachel spoke so softly that if Santana was not listening intently she would not have heard it. The diva then lifted her head to make eye contact with the Latina. "But believe me when I say that I don't want to hurt you. I never intended to hurt you. You must believe me when I say that I have loved you these past ten years with all my heart. You must believe me when I say that I have never felt anything more than platonic emotions towards her for the past ten years…"

Santana believed her. But she could see a bigger confession about to be unleashed. "But now?"

Rachel could not maintain eye contact any longer because of what she was about to admit to her wife. "Now…I am confused."

This was one of the answers she feared the most. But Santana needed to confirm something…something that was bugging her for the past month…something that has the potential to break the vows they made. Taking a deep breath and with eyes shut tightly, she finally asked, "Are you in love with her?"

To this, Rachel could only cry harder than she ever did in her entire life.

Although it was still not enough confirmation, the Latina was inclined to believe that her worst fear had happened. She pushed herself not to let the diva know that she was breaking. She straightened her posture and took a step back. Without looking at her wife, Santana sternly said, "I love you, Rachel. I have loved you with all my heart, mind and soul. And I still do love you. But for the sake of our marriage, I think we both need space apart from each other." Wiping any trace of the tears she had shed for the past hour, she turned her back from the diva and headed to the door. She was about to step outside of their home when she said, "I'll be spending the night at the office. Goodnight, Rachel." Then, she too was gone.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

She had not slept at all. She kept rewinding in her mind the events that led to what happened last night. But even after several hours, Santana could not still fully grasp the implications of everything that had been said and done. She could feel her heart breaking into pieces as the memories of the confessions of her wife flooded through her mind. A part of her was telling her to leave before she could get hurt any further. She knew she had reasons to do so. But there was no denying that leaving Rachel would never be an option.

As she entered their house, an unwelcomed feeling of comfort enveloped her. The familiar scent of their home…the memories pasted in each and every corner…the anticipation of the routine that she and Rachel had built for several years. Santana did not expect the diva to be home. Even when the other girl was suffering from flu, she would still not miss a show. So, even after their fight last night, Santana knew Rachel would still force herself to perform on stage.

She refused to linger on the living room. The mere sight of it made what happened the night before real. She went straight to the en suite bathroom to take a shower. She let the water wash away the bitterness she was feeling; but of course, this was to no avail. After her shower, she got dressed. As she was about to pick her brush on their dresser, something caught her eye. A note. From Rachel.

I'm sorry but I have to do this. Not only for me and her. But especially, for us.

I'll text you as soon as I land at LAX.

I love you so much.

-Rach-

xoxoxoxo

A/N: I am so sorry for not being able to post an update the past week. Work's a bitch. lol

You guys are very generous and kind with your reviews. I read all your suggestions and majority of you expressed their dislike for any character death. So, as you can see I have already edited the story description.

I hope I'm still keeping your interest in this story.

Please continue to let me know of your thoughts about this fic.

Thanks!