Interlude

II

1.

A few moments later when Shepard found herself standing outside the door to Miranda Lawson's office, it certainly wasn't because she wanted to be there. She still wasn't entirely sure what to make of the talk with Kelly, particularly the last few minutes, but she had taken something extremely valuable away from it nonetheless. Right now, the only thing that mattered was the struggle against the Collectors. Everything else had to be put on hold and, aside from the existential crisis she was facing, that included any grudges she might be holding. Alyssa didn't trust Cerberus and she never would. Even if she hadn't been involved in the investigation that ended in Admiral Kahoku's death, their methods were cruel and unusual in the extreme. One day, hopefully not too far off, Cerberus and The Illusive Man would answer for that. Unfortunately, they were the only ones who even seemed willing to aknowledge that anything untoward was happening. Hell, they'd provided her with a state of the art vessel and an elite team of specialists to fly her.

For the time being Commander Shepard intended to take full advantage of their generous gifts.

When the door opened, she found her executive officer sitting behind her desk engrossed in her work. Shepard stepped inside and looked around. It was the first time she'd come in here since boarding the Normandy a few days ago. On the old Normandy, Her Normandy, this would have been the CO's cabin, and it wouldn't have been nearly this luxurious. Her eyes were drawn toward the window, toward the vastness of space in all of its glory. The lapse lasted a mere fraction of a second, and she turned her eyes toward the raven-haired woman.

"Shepard," she said coldly, without even the simple courtesy of looking up. "What can I do for you?" It was clear in her tone that there was no love lost between the two of them. Alyssa decided not to give into the obvious bating.

"I was hoping we could talk for a moment," she paused, finding it hard to look directly at her second in command. Try as she might to put her reservations aside, it was hard to think of Miranda as anything but the Cerberus poster child and a lackey of The Illusive Man. This was something she had to do though. Shepard was the commanding officer of the Normandy and the crew would look to her as an example. How could she expect them to cooperate and work to their full potential if she engaged in petty squabbles? "If you have the time." She took a short breath.

"Honestly I have a lot of work to do," she said. Her thin Australian accent coated the words. She took a deep breath and finally looked up, "But I suppose I can spare a moment of two." Lawson pulled her hands away from the computer terminal and leaned back a little in her chair. "What exactly did you wish to discuss?"

This was it.

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior to this point," she said slowly. Shepard hoped Miranda couldn't see exactly how difficult this was for her.

Obviously surprised, Miranda cocked an eyebrow and remained silent for a moment. She stood up, wrapped her arms around her chest and walked toward the window. Staring out into the void for a long moment, she finally broke the eerie silence that had been building. "I have to say, I'm surprised to hear you say that." The edge in her voice that had been present when Alyssa had walked in was gone.

Alyssa sat down in a nearby chair and sighed. "You can't be any more surprised to hear me say it than I am." She offered a grim smile, an attempt to lighten the mood a little. This was going better than she'd expected. "Look, I'll be honest. I have issues with your organization. I've seen too much to just turn a blind eye." She paused for a moment, wondering if maybe she was driving the conversation down the wrong track right now. Ultimately, she decided to continue. Alyssa was never one to back down and when she forged a path, she always kept it moving forward. "Right now though, there are more important things to worry about. Humans are being abducted and The Illusive Man was right. The Council doesn't seem inclined to do anything about it. I guess some things never change." She added the last part quietly, more for her benefit than anything else.

Miranda turned to face her. "That's what we've been trying to make you understand Shepard. I suppose, having read your personality profile, it was a conclusion you needed to reach for yourself. I'm just glad you did. Whatever you might think of us, and you've made it pretty clear where you stand, Cerberus is not your enemy. We want the same thing you do. We want to make sure that humanity endures and survives this crisis."

Shepard nodded.

"When I came back from Beckenstein," Shepard began, "I told you that in this life we sometimes have to learn to do things we'd rather not."

Miranda nodded, "I remember."

"Well that applies to me as much as it does anybody else," she finished. "I may not be happy about this alliance, but Cerberus is giving me the best chance I have of fighting the Collectors and, until I'm given reason, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt."

"The benefit of the doubt," Miranda repeated, almost to herself as her eyes locked on the ceiling. "You're far too kind." There was a sarcastic lilt in her voice that Shepard didn't like one bit.

"I'm trying to extend a hand in truce here," Alyssa said, standing up defiantly. "If you'd –"

Miranda held out a hand, trying to calm her. "Please, I didn't mean to offend you Shepard." She stopped and appeared lost in thought for a short time before she continued. "It's becoming painfully obvious that we're never going to become best friends." She offered her own grim smile, and the gesture wasn't lost on the commander, who forced herself to calm down a little. "But I appreciate your apology, and I know how difficult it must have been for you."

You have no idea, Commander Shepard thought.

"You've obviously been through a lot Commander. Nobody knows that better than I do and I wish we could have given you time to acclimate." She turned back toward the window again. "It was never our intention to throw you right into the fray. We wanted the chance to explain everything to you in a much less stressful environment, to gradually bring you up to speed rather than throwing everything at you at once. Unfortunately we didn't have as much time as we thought we would." Miranda turned her head toward Shepard. "We were still weeks away from waking you when Lazarus Station came under attack."

"That part I remember," Shepard said quickly.

The taller woman nodded her head. "I'm not here to try and take control of the situation. The Illusive Man has a lot of faith in you Shepard, probably more than you know, and he felt I'd be a valuable asset on your team."

Alyssa tilted her head, "And what about you?"

Miranda was facing her again. "What do you mean?"

"Do you have faith in me? Do you think I'm the right person for this?"

Her subordinate took her time in answering. "I've read everything there is on you Commander, and then some. I think you've done some remarkable things. Apart from defeating Saren and Sovereign, you managed to rally a team consisting of species that have difficulty in cooperating with each other under the best of circumstances. I think you're an excellent soldier and an extremely adept leader."

"That didn't really answer my question Miranda."

"I know." Miranda turned and leaned up against the nearby wall for support. "Understand," she began, "that faith isn't something I tend to bestow upon people Shepard." Her voice grew quieter, "I've been disappointed far too many times. However," her voice returned to its normal tone, "I do think our chances of successfully defeating the Collectors are much higher with you here."

"You're far too kind," Shepard said, perhaps a little more vindictively then she'd meant.

"It's the best I've got right now Commander," Miranda's lips turned down in an almost apologetic gesture. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do." She turned and walked back toward her desk. Shepard simply nodded and walked out as Miranda was sitting back down.

She supposed, in the great scheme of things, that the encounter could have gone a lot worse. At least they seemed to be on speaking terms now, rather than just shouting at each other. It was a start.

It had been a busy day and, rather than check in on the Command Deck, Shepard decided to get some rest in her cabin.

2.

There was something magnificent about the darkness of the void. It was like watching diamonds sparkle against a backdrop of black velvet. As far back as she could remember, Kelly had always held a certain level of fascination and awe when it came to space travel. It might have come from her father, but deep down she felt it had probably started long before, and her father had simply added coals to a fire that was already burning. More than anything, she recalled those hot summer nights when her father would haul the telescope out onto the balcony of their apartment. Along with Kelly and her father, her brother Zack would sit out there until all hours of the night. Sometimes they'd look up at the moon; that had always been her favorite, and sometimes they'd train the lens out toward the distant stars. The memory of their first time was still as fresh in her mind as if it had happened yesterday.

She'd been a child, no more than seven or eight and her brother had been even younger. Their father had been teasing them all day long with some kind of surprise he'd been planning. Even now Kelly could almost still feel the same level of excitement she'd felt back then as she'd watched her father carry the old brown box up from storage. On the outside it looked like nothing special, simply a tattered and worn cardboard box. Inside had been an entirely new world for Kelly to explore. The way her dad gathered them around and made them sit quietly as he cut the tape had been like participating in some kind of ancient ceremony. At least it had felt that way from her younger perspective. When he'd taken the telescope out and begun to set it up, it had been like she'd fallen into some kind of trance. She couldn't take her eyes off of it.

The First Contact War had passed just shy of ten years ago, and there were still a lot of strained nerves on Earth when it came to dealing with aliens, particularly the Turians. They'd been learning a little bit about it in school, and Kelly had been fascinated by it. Where many saw danger, and potential new enemies, Kelly had seen excitement and potential new friends. She had decided back then that one day she wanted to travel out into the galaxy and meet everybody she could. Zack had been much the same way at that age, eager to explore and learn everything that he could. It often brought tears to her eyes when she thought about him in as he'd been in their younger years. They'd been close, practically best friends, and they'd spent all their free time together exploring. When she thought about that young boy, all the promise he'd held, it was still sometimes hard to accept that he was gone, that she'd never see him again.

When her father had finished putting it together, they couldn't wait to use it. They tried to goad their mother and their sister Rebecca into joining them, but there mother wasn't interested and Rebecca had always had a little bit too much of their mother in her.

The first time they'd used it, dad had pointed it at the moon and started to point out some of the features to them. He'd had to tear Kelly away from the lens to give her brother a chance at it, she'd been so enraptured by the sight. The three of them had spent hours out on the balcony in the cool night air taking turns at it. By the end of the evening, or more accurately, the beginning of the morning; before her father had taken it apart and brought it in for the night, each of them had picked a crater out. It was theirs, and whenever anyone of them looked upon that majestic surface, gazed up at those craters, they would think of each other. Kelly had chosen one near the edge, about halfway up the western side. Unlike the other surface abrasions, this one caught the light in just the right way to make it glow. The sight of it had inspired something wondrous in her child's mind.

It had been an extremely long time since she'd thought about that particular night. She supposed, as she leaned back and took another sip from her glass of red wine, that it probably had something to do with seeing her family today. Right now there was nothing she wanted to do more than look out at the moon and find her brother's crater. It had been large, the biggest and darkest crater they'd been able to find. Sometimes boys could be so predictable. Anybody watching, might have wondered where the sudden chuckle came from as she sat there on the black wrap around couch. Setting the glass down on the floor in front her, Kelly leaned backward and enjoyed the peace that the starboard observation lounge afforded her. Crossing her legs, careful to avoid the glass near her feet, her eyes found focus on the void beyond that thin pane of glass. It was in these quiet moments, too far and few between, that she felt she could really think the thoughts that normally inhabited the edges of her mind. So much had happened today, and she really wasn't sure what to make of any of it.

The visit with her family had been bittersweet to say the least. It had been nice to see them, and it had made her realize just how much she missed them. At the same time, remembering the conversation with Rebecca, the way her sister had made her feel like an insignificant piece of shit, made her deeply sad. The frustrating part was that there was absolutely no way for her to redeem herself. All she could do was sit and take it while Rebecca told her what a terrible sister and daughter she was. It made her angry on some level, and some of that animosity was definitely directed at her sister, but that wasn't entirely fair. How could Rebecca understand what she was going through? The answer was that she couldn't, and Kelly couldn't tell her about any of it. So, for the moment, she had to accept their anger. It frustrated her to no end, but Kasumi had been right. She was fighting for them and, if she succeeded and they were safe, then it would be worth the hurt feelings. Even that resolution didn't stop Kelly from dwelling on it more than she'd have liked though.

The young woman leaned down, collecting her glass for another sip. Kelly wasn't one to drink very often, but she did enjoy the occasional glass or two of wine. It had been one of the few things she'd packed when she'd left Minuteman Station, and she'd had to plead with Gardner to keep it safe for her. The thing that she liked about it was how it loosened the normally tight reigns she normally held on her mind. Normally, she kept her thoughts well ordered, and avoided those that had no place. Every once in a while it was healthy to probe those areas of the mind that seldom saw the light of day though, to throw off the shackles of mental discipline and allow thoughts to wander. Today had been something else entirely. Ordinarily, Kelly was in complete control. Her mind and body didn't do anything unless it was what she expressly wanted.

Today had been something of an anomaly. On some level it worried her. Kelly took another sip, finishing off her second glass. The breaching of her mental fortitude earlier was making her wonder just how stable the psychological walls she'd spent a large portion of her life building, really were. On another, much baser level though, it excited the yeoman. Nobody else had ever made Kelly feel quite the way Alyssa Shepard did.

So, how exactly did Kelly feel about Alyssa Shepard? It was the kind of question that she normally would have beaten around, or made excuses for without the benefit of the wine. But now that she was being honest with herself, when all was said and done, what did Kelly really want from Commander Shepard? Well, it was surprisingly simple. Regardless of the circumstances leading up to it, or even the morality of it, she was falling for Alyssa. She had spent the last couple of days trying to beat around the bush, trying to convince herself that it was simply the intense interest she'd taken in the commander's life, that it was nothing more than a rather severe case of hero worship. That was bullshit though and she knew it.

Alyssa Shepard was strong and, in her own way, beautiful. There was a passion and energy about her that Kelly couldn't help but be absorbed by. Today, she had borne witness to a level of vulnerability in Commander Shepard that few had probably ever seen and it had only opened her heart to Shepard even more. Sure, the commander had some baggage, but Kelly hadn't exactly packed light either. Anybody who said that they had no cross to bear, in Kelly's experience, was a liar.

Now that she knew, now that she'd finally admitted the obvious to herself, what was she going to do about it. Accepting her feelings had been easy; acting on them was just a little more problematic. It had been years, well before her time with Cerberus, since Kelly had been in a relationship with anybody, and that had been her dorm mate at the university on Illium. Not exactly the most serious of relationships. This was different, her feelings more intense.

Before Kelly could do anything, she would have to be sure there was something to act on. She knew deep down that there had been a connection earlier today, a moment when they'd looked into each other's eyes and seen what was burning inside, but what did it mean? Was it the first real sign of something deep and lasting, or was it simply a moment? If she made an advance on her commanding officer, highly inappropriate under the best of circumstances, and she was rebuked, what would that mean? Would she be disciplined? Would Shepard decide that she needed to be sent away? The thought of that was almost too much for Kelly to handle.

No, she'd have to be careful. Before she could do anything, she would have to be absolutely sure that it was welcome. They had time, to a point anyway. As long as the mission lasted it wasn't like Shepard was going anywhere, and Kelly certainly had nowhere else to be. She would have to take her time, use her psychological gifts to probe the situation until she had the answers she sought. The impatient part of her, the part that had probably had a little too much wine, rebelled against it, urging her to simply declare her feelings and be done with it. That was one sign that she'd had enough to drink.

Kelly would have to tread carefully, look for the subtle signs.

For the moment though, it was getting late. All of this could wait until tomorrow.

3.

Alyssa took a deep, soothing breath as she turned the water off. Closing her eyes to savor the fleeting moment of peace she reached backward through the warm mist, groping until she found her towel. She ravaged her short blond hair with it and then ran it up and down her body slowly, making every attempt to extend this moment on into eternity. Shepard couldn't lie to herself; this was one messed up situation, but she finally felt like she was on her way to coming to some kind of understanding with herself. Cerberus wasn't off the hook, not by a long shot but for now their sentence had been commuted.

What frustrated her more than anything, even more than the fact that she was being forced to work for a clandestine terrorist organization, was that despite the evidence, everybody else in the galaxy seemed content to just ignore the obvious. Maybe it hadn't helped that she'd sacrificed the Destiny Ascension, and with it the former council, but what choice had she been left with? It was no secret that she had resented the other species, the so-called more advanced members of the galaxy. She certainly hadn't let them all die to secure humanity, what many believed she saw as, their rightful place. The idea that she could be so cold and callous had sickened her, but it had been the angle the galactic media had played. In her eyes there simply hadn't been a choice. No matter how many people were on that ship, it didn't compare to the number of lives that would have been lost if the Reapers had broken through. It had been the sound tactical decision and she knew it and, as much as she would have loved another answer, she would do it again if she had to. Given that, when she'd visited the Citadel the other day, it was probably natural that the council had been less than eager to receive her.

It was bullshit. Plain and simple bullshit.

They didn't want to believe that the galactic equivalent of the bogeyman was hiding right beneath their collective asses, and their ire toward Shepard gave them the perfect excuse to ignore her warnings. Why was she even bothering to save them? Even humanity itself had turned its back on her, and what did she really owe them. They hadn't been able to save her home. When the situation with Saren broke out, her people had been quick to throw their support behind her, but it really had nothing to do with her personally. The government, the masses on Earth and the colonies; none of them really gave a rat's ass about her personally. They were just eager to see their own position advanced in the interstellar fraternity house. It could have been anybody and they would have cheered just as loud.

So again she found herself wondering what she owed them, why she was risking her life – her second one! – to save them. Why didn't she just take the Normandy and run? Shepard was resourceful and intelligent, and all things considered, reasonably sure she could keep The Illusive Man off of her tail. Of course this was just all wild speculation. Of course she would stay the course, even if it meant sleeping with the enemy so to speak. She would do it because of the few good people she'd met. Many of them were, surprisingly enough, not even human. Alyssa would do this for Ashley Williams, Garrus Vakarian, Urdnot Wrex, Tali Zorah, and Pressley. She would do it for the memory of Kaiden Alenko, who had seen his duty through to the hard, bitter end, and she would do it for Liara T'Soni. That was why she would do it. She didn't want to see her people wiped out, despite her frustration with them, nor did she wish extinction on the Asari, the Quarians, the Krogan or even the Turians. Those names were what really fueled her desire to stop the Collectors and the Reapers. What would the media make of that? They'd probably ignore it all together.

Wrapping the towel around her body, Shepard stepped into her quarters. It was equally strange and nice to have that fire back. Up until today, she'd been worried that it might be gone forever, that she might be something other than Alyssa Shepard. Now, at least until this situation was over, that doubt was gone. She was Commander Alyssa Shepard and she was here to kick some Collector Ass. She'd collect her team, travel through that relay and then she'd do whatever it took to stop them and, suicide mission or not, she fully intended to return and take the fight back to Cerberus.

The picture on her desk caught her eye. It was the first time she'd really looked at it since coming aboard. No doubt The Illusive man had felt a picture of Liara would make her feel at home. How could he have known it would do exactly the opposite? Now that she was getting a handle on her psyche, Liara was the stumbling block. Deep down Shepard still loved her, and she always would, but what were they now. Even if she only felt as though she'd been asleep for a few hours, Liara had been living her life for two years. What would she be doing now? What would she be like? Would she even feel the same way she once had? Everything having to do with Liara seemed to end in a question.

"There is a way to find out you know?" Startled, Alyssa turned to see Liara leaning back against the wall next to the fish tank. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she wore a sullen expression. "You could try contacting me."

"Liara," Shepard whispered. She shook her head slowly, once again feeling a wave of futility washing over her. "I don't even know where you are, or what you're doing. The Illusive Man won't tell me…" Her voice kind of trailed off.

The Asari tilted her head, "As resourceful as you are Shepard?" She used a foot to push softly off the wall and slowly started toward Alyssa. "I'm pretty sure that if you wanted to find me, you would find me." She stopped when she was standing a few inches away. "Why haven't you even tried?" There was a pleading in her voice, and it broke Alyssa's heart.

She closed her eyes as she felt those delicate blue fingertips caress her cheek. Though she knew that her lover wasn't really here, that this was a trick of her mind, it still felt so real. "I miss you Liara. I miss you so much, but there's too much going on right now. I just don't…" her voice trailed off as Liara's fingertip caught a tear just below her eye. Real or not, she wanted nothing more than to just give into this, to fall into the fantasy with the mental ghost of her love.

"Spare me," Liara said softly, "There's somebody else, isn't there?" Her voice was full of gut wrenching recrimination and accusation. "That's why you haven't tried to find me."

"No!" Alyssa shouted, perhaps a bit too vehemently. "No," she repeated softer. She reached out and took hold of Liara's wrist, forcing the hand back to her cheek. "There's only you."

The Asari leaned in close, so her lips were right next to Alyssa Shepard's ear. "Liar," she whispered. "There's somebody else. You don't need me anymore. That's the real reason I haven't heard from you."

"You're not real," Shepard whispered, attempting to simultaneously pull back and keep from tearing up at the same time. "You're not real, and you're not really here." She took a short step back, pressing herself against the desk.

"I told you," Liara said, taking a step closer, "I'm a part of her. When you –"

"No!" Shepard shouted. "You say that, and maybe it even really happens, but if I had a piece of Liara inside of me, it died when I did." She paused, her confidence growing. "You're not Liara and you never were. Liara never would have been this cruel to me." A thin, wistful smile crossed her lips. "Liara T'Soni doesn't have it in her to be this cruel to me." She shook her head, "The only person I know who could be this sadistic and manipulative toward me is," she paused, "me." There, she'd finally said what she'd know all along, ever since the dream the other night.

"That's all you are. You're all of the doubts and fears I've had since I woke up, and you've been doing your best to break me."

Liara stepped back, tilting her head.

"I've been trying to break me," Alyssa said quietly. "But listen well, whatever the hell you are; Alyssa Shepard will not be broken. And I will never," she took a step forward, "ever," she took another step forward until their lips were practically touching, "let you use the image of somebody I love to do this to me again."

"Do you understand me?" The question was firm, and her fierce tone left room for only one answer.

"Well done," the image of Liara said, clapping her hands. "Bravo Shepard." She crossed her arms again.

"It doesn't make me wrong though." T'Soni said.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that there is somebody else you've been thinking about, a certain yeoman," Liara said with a smirk.

"I hardly even know Kelly," Commander Shepard said dismissively.

"Regardless, you're attracted to her," Liara said. "It's good Alyssa. It's healthy. You should move on, find some small sliver of happiness for yourself."

"No!" she shouted. "I'm not about to abandon Liara!" She stepped back, wrapping her arms tightly over her chest. "I won't." Her voice was less firm though.

"For all you know, Liara's already abandoned you."

It was something she'd done her best not to think about, but a conclusion that she kept on arriving at. Maybe Liara had moved on. Shepard had died and typically that was rather permanent. How could she expect somebody to hold on after something like that? Besides, what had their relationship really been? They'd been two people under dire circumstances that had been thrown together and forced to bond, probably a good deal faster than they ought have. Had it really been love, or just a collection of moments that had pushed them together? That was why she'd really been avoiding Liara's picture, probably the reason that her psyche had chosen Liara to attack her with. It was because deep down, when she asked herself how she felt about Liara, she really wasn't sure. She cared about the Asari a great deal, that much was certain, but was it really love?

Maybe she wasn't worried that Liara had moved on. Maybe Shepard was worried that she'd moved on.

When she glanced back over, Liara was gone and she had the distinct impression that this was the last time she'd see her mind's shattered interpretation of her former love.

So, what did she do now. That was the question that dominated her sleep. Just because it might be time to move on, didn't mean she should jump into the next pair of arms that presented themselves, ergo Kelly. It meant she should think about it though. On her way to potential death, it made sense to reach for any fleeting moments of happiness that she could grab, but at the same time she didn't want to end up in the same corner she was in with Liara. Alyssa didn't want to survive the suicide mission and find herself in the same place with somebody like Kelly when this was over.

Besides, military or not, dating a subordinate could lead to countless complications and problems.

Still, it gave her something to think on while she slept.