AN: So here I am again, I hope you are all enjoying your summer break. This chapter is not that sunny though, sorry.

The songs I used last time are: 'All of me' by John Legend and 'Lost in Paradise' by Evanescence. Feel free to guess what songs I used this time, though I don't think I made them obvious.

She is awake now, but she isn't alive. It has been nearly two weeks since she fell from her bike in front of a car. The doctors say nothing is wrong with her not physically and not mentally but her hazel-golden eyes don't shine. She has been avoiding my touch and she has barely spoken to me. She has been talking a lot to the president though, but he doesn't want to tell me about what they have been speaking…

She send me home just now. Saying I need my sleep. Every time I visited her she sent me away as quickly as she could, saying I shouldn't let my work suffer too much, I should sleep and eat well. I don't want too, I want too spent as much time as I can with her but she gets so upset whenever I stall.

I pour some scotch in my glass again. Oops it is a bit much, I cannot see it clearly in this dim light. It doesn't matter, I'll probably finish this bottle anyway. She doesn't want to be with me…

Today she dropped the bomb, well I kind of forced her to…

I shouldn't have gotten so angry when she avoided me again, but I was worried sick. She hardly looks at me, when she does she does not look at me as she did before the accident.
She wants too leave, leave me, Japan, her mother, Sho and her career. But I feel like I am her main reason.

I cannot phantom what my life would look like without her… Those few days together were so wonderful, we soared so high.
But I guess I only knew just how high when we dove down. When she fell. I down half the glass. I can only let her go. I love her so much I know I cannot keep her here in misery, even though that's all I want.

I take another sip, only to find out it was the last. I stare at the bottom of the glass, somehow irrationally hoping an answer will stare back at me. But the only thing that it tells me is that I was living in a dream. A dream which would never last, it came so slow but it was gone way too fast. Just like every time I thought I could be happy. But every bit of happiness I touch just dies. Last time nearly literally!

That's why I'll have to let her get as far away from me as possible. She needs to be happy, but she cannot be with me, I'd just ruin it!

I try to pour myself another glass, to soften the darkness, but it the flow ends when the glass is still more than half empty. I down it in one gulp before I drag myself to my bed. I change listlessly and flop down unceremoniously. The bed has never felt this big. Though Kyoko slept beside me just three times, and nothing even happened after the Heels, but the knowledge that her staying might become regularity one day…
Even before that, I am rather large so the beds never felt too big.

I know now how nice it is to share it with the love of my life… Without her, with no hope of her ever lying beside me again.

I stare at the high ceiling, nearly invisible in the dark, I feel a coldness steal into my heart. I know it well. It is the same as when Rick died, but now it goes even deeper, it is sharper. It doesn't butcher me, it just cuts away the part where all my love was kept.

I close my eyes and her gold-hazel eyes bore into mine. Her appearance is burned into my retina.
I stretch my hand but she is not there, of course not. I cannot ever touch her again, I'll never be able to hold her in my arms again.
Maybe I just loved her too much, she wasn't ready to dive so deep…

I am so tired, not just because of the meds, but just being here. Everything, everyone just reminds me of the past, of all my childish fears to be not good enough…

Ren still visits me, but he should just go. He should just move on, or all those happy memories will never leave me alone…

"Kyoko-san? You have a visitor, it is outside the visit hours, but, well I guess he cannot be bothered with those." Sakura-san, my nurse announces.

I nod to let her know it is okay to let him in. I turn my gaze to the window. I don't want to see anymore worry in Ren's face.
"You should be at home, sleeping, Tsuruga-san." I say as I hear him come in, though the sound of his feet is strange. The rhythm in which he walks is unfamiliar and the sound of his footsteps in not that of his usual dress shoes.

"I suppose he is, he is rather old after all." The voice is too familiar but the tone is not as prideful as it used to be.
I quickly turn to face my visitor. He is still blond, dressed in over the top, fashionable tattered clothes, but his face is way more gentle than when he last looked at me.

"Sho" My voice is soft. I don't hate him anymore, I am too tired for that.

His pressence is like a dull knife, cutting in my childish heart. I recall our childhood. When he cried I wiped away his tears, I made him smile again. 'A prince should smile.' I wince. He steps closer to my bed and sits down in the chair Ren usually occupies. He looks at me like he used to look at me when we were kids. When I'd fight away all of his fears so he would love me.

"You said you wouldn't be so foolish anymore, you said you wouldn't get yourself hurt again." It is an accusation, one I knew would come. He doesn't seem to mean it as an attack but it still feels like one.

"Look at you now, I left you alone because you promised. I trusted you'd be okay by yourself. I warned you about him."

He seems to be blaming himself, like he wanted to protect me. I force a smile as his words bring tears to my eyes. Tears I will not let him see.

"Yeah, thanks for that, that was a real help. I am sure you would have been able to prevent this. You probably could have 'protected' me if you 'had not left me alone'. Well I thank you for leaving me alone to LEAD MY OWN LIFE."

He has my childhood, but he has no business in my adult life.

".. Get out, I don't want to hear or see anything of you anymore. You cannot help me you never could."

I turn away from him, but I know he is still sitting there looking shocked. He knows he could never help me, that is why he came after all. After a few moments I hear him get up, he stands beside me for a few moments then he turns sharply and stalks out the door. Before it falls close a tear makes its way over my cheek, swiftly followed by many more.

Sho tore open the wound which had just barely started healing.
He is right somewhere, I should have know I was never good enough for Ren. I was captivated by his resonating light. But now I am bound by all he left behind, my one constant pillar, the corn-stone is the brightest reminder of his act. His face haunts my every dream, his warm, caring voice is chasing away all sanity in my head.

"I have arranged for someone to pick you up at the airport and bring you to my friend's home. But Mogami-kun, are you sure you want this? It is not too late to call it all of, no one here wants you gone." President Takarada looks worried, his age clear in his face.

"Sorry to disagree but someone does, sir, I want myself gone ..."

The president sighs as he extends his hand to help me into the surprisingly normal car. He insisted he'd bring me to the airport. He shouldn't have freed his day for a nobody like me, but I can not go against him. He is the president after all, he is even wearing an ancient suit which won't attract that much attention.

There is not much talking on the way to the airport. When we arrive he helps me out the car and hands me the ticket and some American dollars.

"I will pay you back sir."

"No, you won't this is your bonus for this year, since you won' t be around at Christmas." He denies me sternly, leaving no room for buts. I thank him and bid him farewell before I walk to the check-in.

"Good luck, may you find yourself, Love Me member number one." I barely catch his words, which he mutters as I am a few paces away. I don't turn around. I have to move forward.