Chapter 10
"DeSoto residence."
"Heeey, pardner! You made it home, finally."
"Oh hi, Johnny. Yeah. Finally. Maybe now I can get some sleep."
"Well at least until the kids get home from school."
"No way. Joanne told me she gave them strict orders not even to whisper when they get home, today. She's even making me a surprise feast tonight for dinner."
"Aw, that's great, Roy! Um, listen, um…you uh, you gonna be home tomorrow morning, after shift?"
"Uh…yeah. Yeah, I should be. Why?"
"Um…well…I was kinda wonderin', um…I know this sounds kinda instrusive, but, uh, can I, uh, can I come over? Tomorrow morning, I mean. There's, uh, there's something I need to talk to you about."
Silence.
"Roy? You there?" More silence. "Roy?"
"Yeah…Johnny, I'm here. Sorry. Um…well, we're on the phone right now. Can't you just, you know, tell me now?"
"Uh, well, I'd…I'd like to…um, but I can't."
"Why not? You in the kitchen?"
"No, no, I'm in the dorm."
"Well, you should have some privacy, then—"
"Roy, look, I know I'm inviting myself over, but I'd really rather talk to you at home."
(pause) "Well, maybe we can meet early before next shift?"
"No, I don't want to do that. I don't want to wait that long."
"Well…can you at least tell me what's it about?"
"No, I don't want to do that, either. Not over the phone."
Silence.
"Roy…?"
"I was really kinda hoping to get some decent shut-eye."
"I know…I know… Look, I'll make it real quick, okay?"
"Well if you're gonna make it fast, why can't you just tell me now—?"
"Roy, I told you, I don't want to do that. Not over the phone."
Silence.
"I can bring breakfast for you and Joanne."
Silence.
"Roy…?"
A sigh. "Yeah, alright. Fine. Joanne's gonna be at her mother's most of the morning. Just come on over after shift. I'll…make us some breakfast."
"You sure?"
"You're not giving me a whole lotta choice."
"Yeah…I know. Sorry. Okay, then, tomorrow morning."
"Alright. 'til then."
Johnny:
I wasn't entirely sure it was a good idea.
I mean, after that hang glider rescue, worryin' about my partner, then that poor family in that cab yesterday morning, it was two days of the busiest shift I've ever done, and man, was I beat. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep.
But that's not what I was thinkin' about when I was thinkin' it wasn't a good idea.
I pulled up to Roy's house, thinkin' about…what'd happened on that cliff…my hand on his chest in the hospital yesterday morning and…how that'd felt. And wonderin'…how he felt about it.
See, all day yesterday, I'd been wafflin' over whether it was just something I was feeling or whether it was mutual. I guess since I was feelin' something that I was kinda hopin' he was, too. But that didn't mean it was true. I mean, I might've figured that something that I thought was between us was really me assuming there was something or misreading something, or… somethin'.
Or there really was something going on between us.
But I guess now wasn't the time to think about that. Two shitty days on shift and my brain just couldn't hold a thought together for more than two seconds.
Alright, look, just…concentrate on why you're here. Just don't think about anything else.
I wanted to warn Roy about Cap, that's why I'd stopped by. In light of our professional careers, I figured it was best to let him know before he came back on shift, just in case there really was something going on with him.
But whatever the case I guess I was about to find out.
I smelled that incredible smell of bacon fryin' and heard the doorbell sound inside the house, followed by a loud, girly yell, "I got it!"
"Jennifer DeSoto, what did I say about yelling?" Heh. Joanne.
"Sorry, Mom. I'll get it."
The door opened to a bright and shiny pony-tailed little miss dressed smartly, with a killer smile like her Momma. "Hi Uncle Johnny! Come in," she gestured.
"Well, thank you very much. And why aren't you in school, young lady?" I asked as I walked in, closed the door and inhaled the smell of bacon, again.
"Mom's about to take us. We were waiting for the bus but it never came. Mom found out it broke down and they'd sent another one but Mom's impatient."
"I'll say. School's started already."
"I don't mind."
"Yeah, I'll bet. Where's your Dad?"
"In the kitchen."
"Okay." I bent down and held my hands out, "You want a ride?"
"I'm too old for that!"
"You're eight, you are not too old for a ride! C'mon, hop on." Not only does she look like her mother, but she gives looks like her mother. "Better take the opportunity before we both get too old to do this for much longer."
"Okay," she smiled. I bent down and she clambered on. I groaned a bit as I stood up, realizing she was heavier than the last time we did this, and I piggy-backed her across the living room. "He's here, Dad," I heard her voice in my ear as we got to the kitchen.
Roy:
I kinda jumped a little bit when I heard Jenny say that.
Alright. That's not entirely accurate. I mean, yeah, I did jump a little when I heard her voice, 'cause I was holding the toaster over the sink, trying to empty out all the burnt pieces stuck inside of it and she'd kinda startled me a little.
But it wasn't her voice that'd startled me.
I'd been home almost 24 hours, since Dr. Rees had released me late yesterday morning, and I'd tried to immerse myself in real quality time with my wife and my kids. Whatever the concussion had done, whatever the lack of sleep had exaggerated was out of my system and I was back to normal. At least that's what I'd been hoping.
But ever since my phone conversation with Johnny, yesterday I dreaded his arrival. I mean, I couldn't believe that whatever he had to tell me was so urgent that he couldn't tell me on the phone or wait until I got back on shift. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent on coming over. I figured it was best to let him have his way so we could get this over with. It wasn't until after I'd talked to him that it occurred to me that I really wasn't looking forward to him coming over…because of how much I really was.
I couldn't help it.
I didn't realize until I'd hung up that I'd been hip-deep in Mistake No. 5.
Or it might've been Mistake No. 27, by now…
After finally being home and fully recovered, I'd convinced myself that whatever I'd been experiencing, as far as Johnny was concerned, was entirely over.
What I dreaded was that it really wasn't.
And I knew it.
I heard Jenny announce that he was here…and I turned around and about dropped the toaster onto the floor as they entered the kitchen.
I stared at my daughter hanging onto my partner's neck…
…and I was back on that cliff, again, holding on to him…as we dangled off the cliff…
…I felt him, his warmth, his heartbeat, his hand cradling the back of my head…
…his hand on my chest, lulling me to sleep…
My body tingled all over again.
Damn it... This can't be happening…
Johnny:
There was a weird look on Roy's face as we got into the kitchen. That same look I'd seen in the ambulance and at the hospital. I bent down to let Jenny down and didn't think about it until it was too late. She slid down my left side right across the lacerations that were still healing from that glider rescue. I flinched and grabbed her and held her away from me.
I guess Roy musta seen the look on my face because he dropped the toaster with a crash onto the counter and grabbed her from me.
"Johnny, you okay?"
"Yeah," I hissed, holding my left side.
"Sorry, Uncle Johnny," I heard that sad little voice.
"Oh, honey, no, it's not your fault. It's really not, okay?" I looked her right in the eye so she'd understand that it really wasn't her fault.
"Uncle Johnny's a little sore from a rescue, that's all," Roy answered. "Listen, go upstairs and tell Mom that Uncle Johnny's here, okay?"
"'kay." She looked at me for a bit and then off she went.
I hiked my shirt up to check the injuries and felt Roy grab my shirt and my shoulder. "Here, let me take a look."
I felt somethin' go through me at how gentle his voice and his hands were. I looked at him but he was already hunched down peering at the wounds. His fingers graced my skin around the lacerations and I flinched. Damn, if he didn't just launch my body into overdrive.
"Sorry."
Jesus, Roy… "No, no. My fault. Just a little tender, I guess."
A look of worry crossed his face then he eyed the kitchen light above the table.
"Here, why don't you take your shirt off? It's getting in the way of the light."
I shucked my shirt and he palpated my injuries again and the thought that I had been thinkin' right as I was drivin' up ripped through my mind, again: maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Now, mind you, there's really no reason that his checkin' me shoulda been a bad idea. I mean, he is my partner and we are paramedics. We've gotten into and seen each other outta all kinds of scrapes. It's natural that we'd check up on each other. I mean, we always do, anyhow. This was really no different.
Yet it was…but I couldn't fathom why it was – how it got to be different. What happened on that cliff that…seemed to have changed everything?
His eyes roamed up. He saw my arm and his face scrunched up, "Hey, what is this?"
"What?" I asked, twisting my arm tryin' to look at where he was lookin'.
"How'd you get this bruise? This wasn't from the hang glider rescue, was it?" he stood up and twisted my arm up so that my elbow was up in the air and he gingerly palpated around the bruise on my triceps.
"Oh, that. Yeah. Did that at the station after I left you at Rampart the other day. Tried to get out of the Squad and about hit the floor, instead. My hand slipped when I tried to grab the door and my hand went right through the window. Door caught me right up in here."
"You have Gil or the docs at Rampart take a look at you?" he brought my arm back down, but he started pokin' around the deltoids and my shoulder.
"Yeah, Gil took a look. I iced it and it's all okay."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Roy."
"You can move okay? You're not—?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay, Roy. It was stiff for awhile, but I can move it." I moved my arm around to prove I could.
"Okay..."
I still felt his fingers on my arm and I looked down. I saw him gently caressing my shoulder, down my biceps, like he was trying to heal the bruise with a tender touch. I looked at him. He was looking at my arm, a frown on his face.
Our eyes met. His fingers slipped off my arm.
We just looked at each other…
Joanne's voice cut sharply across Chris and Jenny's arguing upstairs and I was suddenly aware of where I was. I looked away from him, feelin'…like I'd been caught smokin' behind the school or something.
I put my shirt back on and Roy went to rescue the toaster. But when I looked over at him, he was just holding it. He wasn't moving.
"Roy?"
He blinked, looked at me with his eyes kinda blank and he wavered. "What?"
I took the toaster from him, grabbed him by the arm and steered him to the chair. "Siddown. Are you okay?"
Roy:
No… "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."
"You get dizzy or something?"
Sure. Okay. I'll go along with that. "Yeah, just a little. I think I turned too fast."
I'm not entirely sure why I touched him like that. It just seemed a natural extension of the examination. But seeing that bruise on his arm and thinking back to that cliff rescue just brought forth something in me…I really cared about my partner.
I guess more than I thought I did.
"Okay, well, just sit here and let me finish what you were doin' 'fore I got here."
"Okay."
Ordinarily, I would protest that idea, but I had to admit, it just wasn't a good idea for me to be around a hot stove, just then. I think, for once, I managed to avoid an actual Mistake by doing that. Although, I suppose it didn't need to be said that I'd just tumbled headlong into Mistake No. 6.
Johnny looked around the stove and the counter and then turned back to me, "Okay, uh, what exactly were you doin'?"
"Uh… Oh, I was about to set the table for us before I got sidetracked with the toaster. Bacon's done. Coffee's done. Poured a cup for you, already. I was just about to get to the eggs and toast."
And then maybe go see a shrink. I hadn't expected that simply touching him was gonna knock me over. Although, how was I supposed to know? I mean, it's not like we don't ever examine each other. We do that a fair bit on the job. But I gotta tell ya, it wasn't unlike that moment on the top of the cliff when he'd asked if I needed him to make that pack for me - I was afraid I was gonna topple right off the cliff. And that's about the same position I felt like I was in, right then, too.
Holy Hannah…
Johnny:
I set the plates down for us. "Okay, well, uh let me do 'em. You just stay right there, okay? You want two? Scrambled or over-easy?"
"Uh…two, yeah. Over-easy sounds good."
"Alright." I started gettin' the eggs on for us and dunked the bread in the toaster.
I had to really concentrate on what I was doin' just to keep from gettin' bogged down in thinkin' 'bout what'd just happened.
Grab the plates. Set the plates down on the table. Grab the eggs. What was it he wanted again? That's right, over-easy. Oh man! Keep your head on, Gage. Alright, crack the egg. Put the shells in the rubbish. Crack the second egg. Put the shells in the rubbish...
I had to do it exactly like that 'cause I was afraid to allow myself to think about his fingers on my shoulder. Hell, I could still feel him. Just…real gentle… Shit, Roy… Alright, quit it, Gage, or you're gonna be in serious trouble! Okay, now look, just grab the pepper. Grab the spatula. Scoot the eggs off the bottom to keep 'em from stickin'…
We heard the herd of footsteps clunking down the stairs, and, I swear, I'd never been so happy at a distraction in all my life. Joanne was lookin' a bit worried at me while she corralled the kids in front of her, "Hey, there Johnny, how are you doing?"
"Oh, hey Joanne, I'm okay, I'm okay."
We both eyed the kids as they fussed with puttin' their sandwiches into their lunchboxes. She grabbed my hand, smiled and squeezed, "I'm glad to hear it." Then she turned her attention to Roy with an irritated look on her face, "Roy, why are you making him cook?"
"I'm…I'm not!" His hands spread out in self-defense. "He just walked in and took over."
"Uh huh." She grimaced at me, "If you're worried about the concussion, I think he's fine. Don't let him pull the 'poor me' routine on you, okay?"
I about laughed. "I think he only does that to you, Joanne. Between the both of us, I think you're the one with that 'special touch'.
Roy:
I about spewed my coffee everywhere.
She made circles on my back as I coughed, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just took a bigger sip than I meant to, I guess." I was trying not to blush as I cleaned myself up.
"Okay. You need anything else from the store?"
Dammit. Joanne, how is it you always seem to end up leaving when I need you the most…?
"No. No, honey."
She grabbed the grocery list. "Okay. Don't forget, I'll be at Mom's all day after I drop off the kids so I'll see you later this afternoon. Oh, and were you gonna call those contractors about the roof?"
"The roof?" Johnny asked.
"Yeah. All that wind the other day ripped off a bunch of shingles. I need to call around and see about getting them fixed."
Joanne gave my partner a kiss on the cheek, "Johnny, you take care, alright? Kids, say good-bye to your father and your uncle Johnny."
Jenny and Chris, more Jenny than Chris, gave me a hug and a good-bye kiss, my wife kissed me and I made sure I let it linger for as long as I could manage without perking up her ears. She thumbed her lipstick off my mouth and they were gone.
And I was alone.
With my partner.
Fantastic…
Alright, the only way to counteract this emotional crisis I seemed to be stuck in was logic. Nothing ever went wrong by following logic and sticking with the facts, so I decided to do just that.
"So what'd you need to see me about that couldn't wait till I got back to work?"
Little did I realize at that moment how much weight that question packed.
Johnny:
I finished up his eggs and toast, handed 'em over then started on mine.
"Well, it may very well be nothing. But I didn't want to take a chance on that in case it really was something. Not that I want to get you all worked up over anything in the event that it really is nothing."
Roy:
I froze in mid-bite and my heart about beat straight out of my chest. In retrospect, he could've been talking about the weather or even Marco's bald spot. But considering where my head had been at for the past couple of days – or, at least, where I was trying to keep it from - I started to feel a kind of panic rising in my gut.
I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to handle the next bite of my breakfast, what with all the butterflies in my stomach all of a sudden.
"Okay… Well, uh, I guess just start when you're ready."
Better yet, let me get drunk and pass out and then you can tell me…
Johnny:
I put my eggs on my plate, turned off the stove, grabbed my toast out of the toaster and sat down at the table.
"Okay, so yesterday…" I stopped and thought about it. "No, the day before yesterday, when I got back to the station after leaving you at Rampart, Cap asked me something."
Roy:
He started to chow down, full throttle.
I couldn't believe it.
He does this to drive me crazy.
He starts off with this announcement that always comes across as dire and imminent and then he stops to stuff his mouth.
One of these days, right before we get four days off, I'm gonna tell him that I'm thinking of doing something really important that will affect him. And then I'll get in my car and drive off.
Johnny:
These eggs aren't half bad if I do say so myself…!
He grimaced at me, "Well, what'd he ask you?"
"I'm gettin' to it! I'm gettin' to it! I am starvin', you know."
"I noticed."
I guess there was no more puttin' it off. I really wasn't comfortable asking him this, but, like I said, I didn't want him to get blindsided by Cap, either. Only problem was, the very act of telling him might make the whole thing seem bigger than it really was. But not saying something might make it seem like it's nothing when it really could be something. I figured I'd rather chance it that it might be big and hope it really was somethin' small. "Alright. He asked if I thought there was something 'unusual' going on with you."
He stopped in mid-bite and looked at me kinda worried. "What do you mean 'something unusual going on with me'?"
"That's what I wondered. You got any juice?"
"Yeah, there's some fresh OJ in the fridge."
I grabbed the pitcher and poured us both a glass.
"So what'd he say?"
"Well, I asked what he meant by 'unusual'. He said he wasn't sure, but he was askin' because he thought it was kinda weird that you'd gotten injured as badly as you did twice in the same week. Thought maybe somethin' was goin' on here at home maybe with Joanne or the kids."
Roy:
That was it? That was the big mystery? I felt a wave of relief, like the time I found my wedding ring after a week without telling Joanne I'd lost it. That seemed like a fairly easy remedy compared to what I was worried Johnny was gonna tell me. "What'd you tell him?"
Johnny:
"I said I didn't think so. I mean, it's not like I expect you to tell me everything and I suspect you prob'ly don't, especially when it involves Joanne or the kids. But sometimes I can tell when something's bothering you, especially if it involves Joanne or the kids, even if you don't tell me outright. But you never told me anything like that and you didn't seem bothered by anything at all when I came back from vacation."
Roy:
I wasn't sure I followed all of that but I think it made sense. "Yeah."
"'Yeah', what?"
"I mean, yeah, you're right. I don't always divulge every little thing."
"And I don't expect you to. I mean, I don't. We may be best friends and all but I don't tell you everything that goes on in my life and I don't expect you to tell me everything that goes on in yours, either. But I just wanted to warn you in case something was going on with you, or you and Joanne, or you and the kids, or you, Joanne and the kids—"
"I get it."
"You know what I mean. I mean, Cap doesn't miss much, you know. He may not say anything, but he doesn't miss much."
"Yeah, I know."
He finished eating, pushed his plate away and settled back against the chair. "Well, then…let me ask you…as your partner… 'cause I have to admit, Roy, I guess Cap does kinda have a point."
"Why? Because I turned into you for a week?"
That didn't come out right. He scowled at me and he looked a little hurt and, well, frankly, I didn't blame him.
"Sorry, Johnny, that didn't come out the way I meant it. I wasn't suggesting that you—"
"Yeah, yeah, I know," he sighed.
"Johnny—"
"Yeah, I know, Roy, I'm an accident waiting to happen." He rubbed his forehead and leaned his elbows on the table.
It hurt me to know that he might assume that that's how I think of him. It's not. "I didn't say that."
"Didn't have to," he said softly.
Shit. "Johnny, look at me."
It took him a moment, but he finally did.
"That's not what I said and that's not what I meant. Okay, sure, maybe you are a little accident-prone but it's not because you're stupid or clumsy or what have you. You're a helluva rescue fireman and one helluva paramedic. You get in there and get the job done. You get hurt a lot because you risk a lot to help other people. And you're damned good at it. The helping part, I mean."
He snorted a laugh and actually managed to look sheepish, "Yeah, I…I get it."
"Look, I'll make you a deal. You don't put words in my mouth and I'll stop landing in the hospital. Okay?"
He smiled, "Okay. Deal."
"Now as far a Cap is concerned, those incidents were pretty unusual in and of themselves, don't you think? I mean, how many high angle hang glider rescues do we do in a week? And no one expects their partner to just up and—"
A thought flashed through my head, right then. But it was too fast, too quick for me to grasp onto and hold it long enough for me to remember it. Something…about that…
Johnny reached over, grabbed a banana, and started peeling. "Well, you're right about that. I mean, I'm glad Cap put Dunning on suspension, 'cause I'll tell you one thing - that was entirely inexcusable, what he did. You know, it makes me wonder whether his shiftmates were at all surprised that he'd gotten suspended. I mean, I wonder, were they ever worried about whether he had their backs?"
"Yeah…does make you wonder…" I'd only half-heard what Johnny'd said. I was trying to recreate my thought process in the hopes that that lightning bolt of a thought would return, but I couldn't conjure it up again.
The conversation lulled for a bit. I guess both of us were lost in our own thoughts.
"Roy?" he finally said, real quiet and he waited until I looked at him. "Is there somethin' else that happened with Dunning that I don't know about?"
I stopped in mid-thought, not sure what he was getting at, although I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was trying to get at something. Or maybe he just thought there was something to get at.
"No— No, nothing else happened with Dunning," I said, trying to sound definitive to erase the doubt in his voice. "The Marco and Chet Tennis Match Commentary was pretty much on the ball."
He nodded slowly. "And there's….nothin' going on?" he said quietly.
He didn't look at me when he asked and that about told me what he was really asking. I think I about fainted. My vision started swimming. I felt my whole body start to buzz a little. I couldn't look him in the eye.
He rotated his glass of orange juice, staring at it without really seeing it, "I mean, like I said, it's not like you have to tell me, if you don't want to – "
"No…Johnny. There's…there's nothing going on."
…between me, Joanne, or the kids…that is…
Johnny:
"Are you sure?"
And to be completely truthful, I wasn't sure I knew what I was asking.
"Yeah, I'm…I'm sure."
Well, for two people who were awfully damn sure about something, we certainly tried real hard not to look each other in the eye about it. Oh, don't get me wrong, we sat there eyein' each other to see if the other one was gonna look directly at the other one, which neither one of us did.
"Okay, well, um…look, I just wanted to kinda forewarn you about Cap."
He smiled. "Thanks. I appreciate it."
A full breakfast on top of bein' sleepy wasn't helpin' me stay awake by a long shot. I stretched and yawned and realized I'd better move 'fore I fell asleep right there in the kitchen. I grabbed the dishes, set them in the sink, then grabbed the dish sponge, but he was on top of me in a flash.
"Johnny, you don't have to do that. I'll get it. Don't worry about it."
"Well I don't wanna just the leave this whole mess for you to clean up –"
"It's all right. I've got the house to myself with no plans for the day. It'll give me something to do."
I stretched and yawned, again. "Okay, if you're sure. I've done my proverbial duty. I guess I really have to get home and get to sleep. I think that breakfast did me in."
Roy:
"Well, listen, are you sure you're okay enough to drive?"
"No." He fished in his pocket for his keys.
"Johnny, look, why don't you just sleep here. I mean Joanne and the kids'll be gone for the next several hours. You can take a nap, here, then head home."
"I'm okay, Roy, I'm okay."
"You just told me you don't feel okay enough to drive. And, frankly, I'm not so sure I want Brice as my partner while you recover from plowing your car into a tree. C'mon, you can sleep on the couch."
"No, no, I'm okay, Roy. I'm awake just enough to get home. Besides," he continued, holding up a hand as I made to grab his arm to haul him to the couch, "the coffee'll keep me awake the rest of the morning, anyway."
I looked at him dubiously. "Alright. But you call me when you get home. If that phone doesn't ring, I'm calling you until you answer. You are going straight home, right?"
"Yep. Straight home." We started walking toward the door.
"No stops to the store or nothin'? You don't have to get gas? Pick up your dry cleaning?"
He smiled a little, "Roy, I'm not gonna stop anywhere, okay? Would you quit worryin'?"
"Just lookin' out for my partner."
He stepped out the door, looked at me, and a lopsided smile spread across his features. I wasn't altogether sure what that look on his face meant.
Alright, truth be told, I knew exactly what it meant. That one look from him seemed somehow to confirm what I'd been hoping up till now was the result of 'concussive delusion'. But I guess it wasn't a delusion. Whatever had happened in the ambulance, or maybe even up on that cliff, really had happened…
…and it wasn't one-sided…
"Thanks for the warning about Cap."
"Hopefully, he won't make nothin' of it." He headed to his car.
"Guess I'll find out in a couple of days. See you on shift. And call me when you get home."
"Yeah, I know, I know," he looked a little sheepish, donned his shades then slid into the driver's seat.
I watched him drive off and closed the door feeling…what? That sensation I'd felt at the hospital when I hadn't seen him all day was back. It wasn't loneliness. Not exactly. But I couldn't put my finger on it… I cleaned up the kitchen while I waited for him to call, which he did about 15 minutes later. I felt like I needed to keep him on the line for as long as I could, make it…count for something. That seemed ridiculous, so I kept it short for his sake.
I finally settled in my recliner to read the paper. That lasted about half a minute.
There was something in the air – a sense of exhilaration, a kind of…buzzing underneath the stillness and the quiet.
The neighborhood was real quiet. Even that prop plane that usually flies around this time of the morning hadn't come around.
I heard a loud, piercing chirping coming from the backyard. It seemed extra loud in the quiet and I found I couldn't ignore it.
I finally put the paper down and got up to go to the back room to see if I could find the source. Chris and Jenny had asked for a birdbath to be put in the backyard a few years ago and recently, there'd been a pair of cardinals that loved to perch on the rim or hang out in the avocado tree and warble. There it was, the male, perched on the rim, chirping away. I just sat there and watched it take a dip in the bath, hop back up, flutter its feathers and then wipe its beak on the rim. It was like those days in the Fall that I remember when Joanne and I were kids. A thousand thoughts started going through my head - of lazy summer days, all those adventures down by the stream with my pals, hanging out at the arcade with Joanne.
The fierce Santa Ana winds had died down considerably, but there was still quite a breeze out there. I peered up to check the weather. The gray sky muted the light everywhere. The female cardinal arrived to the bath where she took her turn. Then the male flew up to the neighbor's tree while she stayed at the bath. The breeze kicked up, leaves falling around like rain, driven by the light wind. The quiet of the house seemed to mirror the peace outside.
A sense of nostalgia came over me, but…it was different than other times I've experienced it. I was unsure whether I was feeling a sense of loss or anticipation for the future.
A hundred memories and thoughts of the future all collapsed in on each other – of Joanne and how we grew up together; memories of old friends and times gone by; life in the Army that seemed a thousand lifetimes ago; the guys at the Station and how much like a family we'd all become; and Johnny and the thousand situations we've been through together…and all the future ones yet to come.
The breeze had calmed for a moment and the leaves were no longer falling from the tree.
Falling…
That rescue under the bridge came back to me, when Johnny crawled along to get to the frightened epileptic boy who was too scared to come down. The boy'd gone into a seizure and he and Johnny fell. If I hadn't secured him…
I wonder what made me think of that?
Then the sun broke through the gray sky and I could see a shaft of sunlight coming into the yard. But the cardinals were gone.
I padded back to the living room, sat in my chair and picked up the paper again.
The house was quiet. The street was quiet.
I tried to read where I'd left off but my mind was still reeling with that buzzing excitement. Whatever was in the air was still there.
He stepped out the door, looked at me, and a lopsided smile spread across his features.
I couldn't wait to get back on shift.
[Two days later]
Roy:
I'd found myself thinking about Johnny the rest of the days off. Not just thinking about him, wanting to be around him.
I put the coffee pot on the stove and turned to head to the locker room to change into my uniform when Cap walked in, "Mornin', Cap."
"Mornin', Roy." He shoved his hands in his pockets, "Listen, uh, can I talk to you? In the office?"
My stomach churned for a second. "Yeah. Sure, Cap." I guess Johnny was right and I was suddenly glad he'd insisted on coming over to the house that morning. I followed Cap to the office.
"Shut the door, will you?"
Uh oh. I hope this isn't worse than what Johnny was lead to believe… I shut the door and he gestured for me to sit in his chair while he sat on the corner of the other desk.
"How's, uh, how's the concussion? All better?"
I snapped my fingers and stood up. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good to go. I got Dr. Rees' follow-up note in my locker, I can go get it—"
"Later, Roy," he gestured for me to sit, so I did. "And the, uh, the burns?"
"Oh, they're healing okay."
"Good, good… You're all healed up from that hang glider rescue? Lacerations on your back are healing okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, Cap, everything's healing just fine. I'm good to go for duty."
"That's good, that's good."
The silence stretched and I fidgeted in my chair, knowing full well he wasn't finished but hoping like hell he was. "Uh, Cap, was…was that it?"
"Uh, no, Roy."
He rubbed the side of his nose, a gesture he makes sometimes when he needs to bring something up that he's not all that comfortable with.
"Roy, can I ask you a personal question?"
I shifted in my seat. I know Johnny warned me that this was coming, but I still felt a jolt of panic at the question. "Uh…yeah, sure Cap."
"Is there, uh, anything going on with you lately? Anything at home or on the job, maybe, that's been distracting you, at all?" He put his hands up just as I was about to answer. "Before you say anything, I'm only asking because I'm a little concerned at the injuries you've sustained this past week. If it were Gage, I'd consider it par for the course. But it's unlike you to follow in your partner's footsteps and I just thought I'd ask if everything was okay up in your neck of the woods."
"Oh, yeah, Cap. Everything's fine. Just a string of unusual incidents, I guess."
"You sure?"
I almost laughed with relief. "Yeah, I'm…I'm sure, Cap."
"Okay. You know you can come to me at any time with anything. I mean that."
He looked pointedly at me and I felt a genuine concern from him. "I know, Cap. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."
"Okay. Roll call in five, okay?"
"Okay, Cap."
I headed across the bay to the locker room with the echoes of that conversation bouncing around in my head.
Johnny:
I'd spent the last coupla days tryin' to keep busy, tryin' to keep from thinkin' about Roy.
I went with Marco to help him look for a new car and I hung out with a coupla the other rescue guys – Reid Zimmer from 24s and my ole rescue partner, Tony Freeman over at 10s - for a day of rock climbing. Yeah, I know, not the best thing after what Roy and I went through, but I was outvoted.
Thing was, I couldn't be busy like that 24 hours a day. Don't get me wrong. I had great fun with those guys! But I really missed my partner.
I started puttin' my stuff in my locker, still feelin' his fingers trailin' down my shoulder…wantin' to feel it again…
Roy:
There he was, at his locker. Boy, the moment I walked in and saw him, my heart leaped.
"Well, welcome back, partner!" He was grinning from ear to ear, he was so excited to see me. Then he cleared his throat and looked at the ground, as if he was embarrassed at how excited he was. Especially since it'd only been two days since we saw each other.
He couldn't keep that grin off his face, though.
And that made me smile even more. I was happy to see him, too. Happy and…nervous. When I'd mentioned there was something in the air after he left – that feeling stayed with me in the intervening days. I just couldn't shake it. Wasn't sure I really wanted to…
His having stopped by the house seemed to have…shifted our relationship, a little.
That, maybe, was the wrong thing to wonder about because the flustered state I was in propelled me straight into Mistake No. 7…
We were putting our uniforms on. I looked over at him and he had this dopey grin on his face. Somehow, it made me feel goofier than I kinda already did.
I watched him doing up the buttons on his shirt and noticed they were all off by one.
Johnny:
I couldn't tell you why, but man, I was giddy seein' Roy again.
I guess it's because after almost two weeks, everything was finally gettin' back to normal. There was my 10-day vacation then I came back only to watch my partner get his head cracked open by a hang glider and then those two harrowing days on shift, that, I swear, felt like a month. But, now, finally, my partner, my best friend, was okay, everything was behind us and things were back to normal.
Well…sort of…
I looked over at him – I just couldn't keep the grin off my face. He smiled and then…
…he stepped over to me and, without saying a word, he started undoing the buttons that I'd just finished buttoning.
I froze. I felt this electricity from him. "Uh…Roy…" I tried to keep my voice down as I looked at him, inches away from me. My whole body was tingling with how close he was and what he was doing. I smelled his aftershave, could feel his body heat.
"Your buttons are off," he whispered.
His voice in my ear nearly buckled my knees. "Oh..." I looked down and…felt woozy as this feelin' rushed through me – watchin' him unbutton my shirt.
Roy:
I noticed his breathing had gotten deeper and measured. Then I realized, so had mine. He was trembling and his hands lightly cupped my arms as I worked on the buttons. I knew he was looking at me, waiting, hoping for eye contact. I have no idea what had possessed me to be doing this. I deliberately kept my eyes on the buttons because I was worried about what would happen if I looked at him.
I got to the last button. At the bottom of his shirt.
I took my time, tried to make it seem like it was difficult to unbutton it. But I could only hold off the inevitable for so long.
My eyes met his.
Something passed between us.
"Hey, guys? Roll call!" came Chet's voice from the dorm.
We both jumped. Whatever…connection, I guess you could call it, that seemed to have passed between us was severed. I looked at my fingers holding on to the button on Johnny's shirt and realized that I'd just felt our partnership not only shift, but I think it had just jumped the tracks.
"Roy…" his voice whispered. Right in my ear.
I looked down and let go of his shirt, feeling myself trembling.I had to get out of there…"We'd better get to it."
Johnny:
And he walked off. Just like that.
Jesus…Christ, Roy.
I couldn't move… I felt dizzy…
I sat down hard on the inside of my locker and tried to catch my breath. But I had to get to roll call. I leaned forward to haul myself up, but I…I just…I just couldn't do it. I leaned my head against the locker wall and tried to slow my breathing down 'fore I was gonna need a paper bag. But with the way the electricity was joltin' through my body, right then, it was gonna be awhile 'fore I could get my feet movin' so I could walk straight.
"John? Hey, John?" Marco. Comin' in from the dorm. I heard the door swing open and he appeared, lookin' at me with a frown on his face. "Hey, c'mon! Roll call. Cap's waitin'. Though I suppose there's no rush now, cause he's already given you latrine duty…."
I didn't move 'cept to look at him out of the corner of my eye.
The frown on his face darkened into worry, "Hey, are you okay?"
He didn't wait for an answer. He crossed to the door and held it open to the bay, "Cap! I think there's something wrong with John."
In the span of about half a breath, Cap's face was in front of mine and we were surrounded by the rest of the station. "John? You alright, pal? What's the matter?"
"Cap. Cap, I'm okay."
"Should we call in a still alarm – ?"
"You feelin' dizzy, John – ?"
"Maybe he tied his shoelaces too tight. Blood couldn't get to his brain—"
"Guys! I'm fine."
"Roy, you want to take a look at your partner?"
No! "No! No, Cap, I'm fine. Really. Honest!"
"Who saw him last – ?"
"I'm fine. Really!"
"I'll get the drug box – "
"I don't need the damn drug box. Now, will you guys – ? Look! Guys. Guys! I'm okay. I'm alright. I'm fine. I just got dizzy, is all."
"Well, what happened?"
"It was nothin', Cap."
"Nothin' my foot, John. I took one look at you and you were pale," Marco insisted.
"I was not – Look, I just went to tie my shoes –"
"I told you the shoelaces were too tight – "
"Shut up, Chet," I said.
Cap threw Kelly a look of annoyance, "Go on, John."
"Well, like I said, Cap, I just went to tie my shoes and I guess I just got up too fast an' I got dizzy, that's all."
I sought out Roy, who was standin' behind everybody lookin' at the ground.
"Okay, alright, everybody. Clear out and give him some air. Roy, check him out. I want to be sure you're both up for duty."
Roy:
"Okay, Cap. Uh, Johnny, wait here." I went out to get the trauma box feeling like I got caught stealin' from the cookie jar. The Engine crew were gettin' all lined up again and I just tried to make it seem like business as usual.
"Roy?"
"Yeah, Cap."
"You take him to Rampart if you think anything's off. That's an order."
"Uh, yeah, Cap. Okay."
I got back to the locker room and found Johnny still sittin' in his locker, but with his shirt buttoned up. I tried to avoid looking at him and concentrated on getting his BP.
I tried to keep my eyes down as he rolled up his sleeve. I put the cuff on him and started to get his vitals. It didn't escape my notice that he was trying not to look at me in the same way that I was avoiding looking at him.
'You take him to Rampart if you think anything's off. That's an order.'
Cap's order reminded me, like a kick to the head, of my talk with him in the office that morning. That whole conversation with Cap now had me rattled a little. I hadn't really expected it to affect me, especially with Johnny having given me fair warning. Although, maybe because of Johnny's warning, it'd gotten my mind racing in a thousand directions.
I guess what was bothering me was that if Cap thought that something was off on my end, when there honestly wasn't, what would he say if he found out I was…reacting to my partner the way I had been? Johnny was right on the money – Cap doesn't miss much, if anything at all. He can't afford to. He has to be on top of the physical and mental condition of his crew at all times or there could be serious consequences. He can't afford to take anything lightly.
And that's what had me rattled. If he makes the assumption that something's up at a time when it's not then for sure he's not gonna miss anything when something really is.
Clearly – something was happening between Johnny and me and if my perception was anything to go by, it was getting worse. Well, maybe 'worse' wasn't quite the word. Suffice to say, it was getting stronger and I was having doubts about our ability to work with each other if it continued in this direction.
I had to find a way to stop feeling like this and I had to do it now.
Johnny:
The minute I had the locker room all to myself, I did my shirt up as fast as I could get my fingers to work, let out a long breath and just sat there with my head in my hands. What the hell just happened!
I wasn't sure I wanted to think about what would've happened if Chet hadn't interrupted us. Which I guess is kinda silly, considerin' we seemed to be hedgin' toward somethin'. I guess something really was going on between us and it definitely wasn't one-sided. But even for all my thinkin' about Roy the last coupla days, that whole thing with my shirt just now caught me way off-guard.
I had to get my body calmed down, I could still feel myself trembling. Alright, let's go over IV's in alphabetical order:
Atropine.
No, no, uh…hell, what's that one called…?
Adenosine. That's it. Adenosine. Okay, what's next?
Amiodarone.
Atropine.
Calcium chloride.
D5W.
Diazepam.
Diphenhydramine.
Dopamine. Aw hell. Man, I wish there was a way to get it all sucked outta my head, right about now… Alright, think! Think! What else?
Epinephrine.
Okay…F…F…oh man, think, dammit! C'mon, F! F!
Furosemide.
Furosemide. Good. Okay, uh….what else? G, H, I, J, K, L…L! Okay, there's a few that start with L…
Lactated ringers.
Okay, that's good. Lactated ringers, lactated ringers, what's after lactated ringers…?
Lidocaine…
He walked back in. I shoulda told him to bring the drug box and hit me up with the lidocaine to knock me out from how embarrassed I felt.
"How're you feeling?"
I glanced at him but he was rummaging through the trauma box for the stethoscope and I wondered if he was askin' as Roy or as a paramedic.
"Okay. I guess."
We both tried real hard not to look at each other. At least he could pretend to be busy with the vitals. I mean, he had that to hide behind. Me - I had to just sit there and act like I wasn't bothered by anything. He wrapped the BP cuff kinda slow, lookin' like he was thinkin' hard about something. He took my pulse then wiped his hands on his shirt and fidgeted a bit before tacklin' the last of the vitals. I was glad he'd gotten my pulse before the respirations, 'cause he woulda noticed my pulse had gone up the minute he laid his hand on my chest.
Though I knew he'd already figured that out.
He had his back to me as he put everything away. "Cap wanted to make sure I took you to Rampart if anything was off. Your vitals are fine, but if you feel like you need to go to Rampart…"
"No. No, I'm okay. Like I said, I think I just…moved too fast." I'd thought about bein' honest with him, that it really wasn't my shoes that had knocked me over, even though I knew he knew that.
He was tryin' to keep his distance - we both were. I think we both knew we almost crossed a line.
He nodded, stepped over the bench and grabbed the trauma box. "Okay. Well, then, I guess we'd better get to roll call."
"Okay." I got up, tucked my shirt in, closed my locker door, and followed my partner out to the bay.
Roy:
The Engine crew was still lined up. I put the trauma box away and stood on the opposite end of the line from my partner, which, fortunately, just so happened to be the end nearest the Squad.
"Everything okay, John?"
"I'm fine, Cap. I'm good to go."
"Glad to hear it. Now, if my paramedic team could stay out of medical trouble for the next 24 hours, you'll make your Captain a happy man."
"Uh, yes, sir," Johnny answered, amid snickering from the Engine crew. I had a feeling my partner looked right at me, but I kept my eyes on Cap. I'd already decided that I would put in for vacation to get the roof done and planned, right then, to tell Cap as soon as roll was over.
"Now, can someone fill in John and Roy on the chores?"
"I'll do it, Cap."
"Thank you, Mike. I waited to read off the announcements until everyone was here. First off and most important, due to budget constraints that I know you're all aware of, HQ has decided to institute a hiring freeze and will not accept paid vacation or overtime requests for the next six months, effective immediately."
Fantastic.
Mistake No. 7 was gonna hurtle me into a world of trouble…