Chapter Ten

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Bertrand Russell – adapted

"So why haven't you been sleeping?" Anna asked as she and Kam entered the infirmary. She made a point of closing the door behind them.

Instead of answering, Kam chewed at his lower lip some more.

"You've really got to stop doing that," she scolded gently, motioning him to have a seat on the exam table. Before doing anything else, Anna handed over some ointment for his lip.

"Thanks," Kam accepted it; he dutifully applied the foul smelling ointment. He had heard that people living at the Heart of the Empire had medicine that smelled nice… didn't taste horrible. People like that never had to go without anything. It seemed so unfair that so many good people were left out on the margins… not people like him, but people like Anna who seemed like she deserved so much more out of life. He didn't really know much about her, but he knew she was a real doctor. Or at least that she had been. He cleared his throat.

"Can… can I ask you a personal question?" he asked, avoiding eye contact.

"Sure," she pulled up a chair and sat down in front of the nervous looking young man.

"I… it's… I mean, it's personal, but I'm not really asking… that is… it's about me…"

Anna favoured him with a warm smile and reached out to put a hand lightly on his knee; she watched his body language carefully. She was always mindful of his past, always looking for signs of discomfort. He never seemed uncomfortable around her, however. She wasn't sure she could really remember him seeming uncomfortable around anyone except Avi Stasi, and that was justified. "You can ask me anything you what. Whatever it is, it's covered under doctor patient privilege, ok?"

"Ok," he only barely stopped himself from chewing on his lip again. The bitter tasting ointment was a good reminder that he probably shouldn't do it. "I just… I was… sold… into Service when I was just a kid and… I mean… you've been in a relationship, haven't you?"

"Yes," she answered in a careful tone. She had an idea where he might be going. Him and the Captain.

"Was… was it serious?"

"Very serious."

"What happened? I mean…" he flushed a deep shade of read. "I don't mean to pry or anything…"

"It's all right. It's ancient history," she hid her own discomfort over the subject matter much better than the young pilot sitting with his feet dangling off the edge of the exam table. "He… hurt me. Badly."

"I'm sorry."

"It's all right. Like I said, it's ancient history. But I have the feeling my love life isn't what you really want to talk about. Am I right?"

"It's… me and…" Jack…. "Captain Harkness."

"Is something the matter?"

"No. I mean. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know anything, Anna. That's the problem. I was… I never… I mean… I've never had a…" boyfriend… bedwarmer… "I've never been in anything like this and Carsten says it's normal to feel all mixed up but it doesn't feel normal," his words were coming out in a rush. "I don't know what to do. I really love him, I'm just not sure…" he bit his lip despite the bitter ointment. Tears bit at his eyes.

Anna got up and moved over to the table to sit next to him. "I'm sure he feels the same way you."

He regarded her a moment, wondering if was just saying that to make him feel better. It seemed like it, but he didn't know who else to talk to. Carsten said the way he was feeling was normal, but Carsten was just a few years older than him. Even if he'd had a real life… Anna was older. Wiser. She had to be, she was a doctor. "Do you think… I mean… he's so much older than me…"

She nearly laughed, "Way to make a girl feel good about herself, kiddo."

"Huh?"

"Kam, Jack's what… thirty five? Forty? I'm thirty seven."

He swallowed. Of course. Anna had no idea how old Jack really was. No one did. No one ever could. "Yeah. I guess… when you put it like that…" he felt the heat returning to his cheeks. "I … I didn't mean to say I thought you were old. You're not."

She chuckled softly; it wasn't an unkind laugh. "It's ok. When I was your age, I thought forty was pretty old, too. And twenty years is a big difference," she added honestly.

"Does it matter? I mean… twenty years….?" Three thousand years… he swallowed. There was no way anyone could ever understand. He didn't understand himself. Why was someone like Jack bothering with him? Even the one area where he felt pretty confident about his abilities… in bed… Jack had done so much more than he had... than he ever could. "What happens when I stop being able to hold his interest?"

"Kam, when you love somebody, when they love you, you don't lose interest, you keep finding new things…"

"But I've never done anything and he's done so much! Pretty soon there won't be anything new about me," he choked back a sob. "What happens then?" he breaks up with you, that's what…

She decided to try a different tactic. "What do the two of you do when you're alone together… not that," she smiled at the way he was blushing. "Although I'm glad to know your sex life has… developed…?"

He nodded shyly. "Yeah. He… we… yeah." It was good. It was so good. Jack was so attentive… "It's… developed. It's incredible."

"I'm glad. But what else do you do?"

Kam blinked at her a moment. "We read. Sometimes he reads to me, sometimes we each just read our own books. Sometimes we talk. He taught me to play basketball," he smiled. He liked playing basketball with Jack; he liked it even better when it was him and Jack against Roberta and Carsten. So far he and Jack were ahead, but only by two games.

"What do you talk about?" Anna's voice broke through his happy thoughts.

His smile deepened, he couldn't help himself. He loved to listen to Jack talk. "He tells the best stories… he's had all these adventures, been to all these wonderful places. He's done… he's done everything, Anna. He's been everywhere. He's so incredible." How could he ever hope to compare…?

"What do you talk about?"

He hesitated. He understood the question, he just wasn't sure why it mattered. He shrugged and let his gaze drift to the wall opposite them. "I… he knows… I mean, there's nothing I wouldn't tell him, honest… but he never really asks. But if he did… but I don't… you know. The Red House. It's not something I want to talk about with him, not unless he asks me. I'm not proud of… of my life. Before."

"That wasn't your fault," she told him in a firm tone. "None of it."

"I… I know."

"Good. Now, what do you like to talk about?" she pressed the issue a little harder.

"I… I don't know… the things I'd like to do, I guess. I read a lot… as much as I can. I always have. It was… it was the only recreation I ever had. I love to read all kinds of books, not just fiction. There are so many places I'd like to see. I'm sure I never will… but before… all I ever had were… daydreams." He felt embarrassed. All the wonderful, exotic places Jack had been… all he had ever done was read about them. "I guess that's all I have to talk about. Daydreams," he said, feeling more miserable than ever.

"Does he listen to your daydreams?"

"More than anybody ever has," he said without hesitation. "I never had anybody seem to care so much about what I have to say." He pulled his feet up under him. "Before… back in the Red House… I mean, there were people I'd talk to sometimes, other Servers… but… you knew not to get close to anybody. You knew that at any moment they could be gone… you could be gone. Besides… they were only looking out for themselves. Me too," he added, ashamed.

"Kam, I cannot begin to imagine that life…"

He cut her off. "Do you know why I ran away?"

"I… assumed… I mean…"

He shook his head. "It wasn't just that. I did hate it. I never… I never thought I'd ever want to have sex, not if I ever had a choice…" he blushed. He had promised himself after he escaped that he would o anything he had to, to survive -- anything except get on his knees. On his back. He had managed to survive for almost six whole months without having to, too... but then Mr Smeed asked him to come aboard the ship so they could talk and he'd assumed... and he'd been so desperate, he hadn't eaten in days...he was willing to break his promise to himself... but all Smeed had wanted was to talk to him. Give him a meal. Offer him a contract. A real contract for a real job. He would have been willing to get on his knees for that... but he hadn't had to. At least not until he met his cabin mate... "Do you know why there aren't any old Service Providers?" he got back to his original question.

Her brows furrowed. "What?"

"I still had a few years, I know I'm good looking," only when he said it, his tone was full of shame, self loathing. "But… in another few years… there's no telling where I could have ended up, who I'd've been sold to. I… I didn't want… I didn't want to die like that, Anna."

She felt her jaw slack. She'd never thought about it…

"It's just the way things are. But I knew… I had to get out because all my life I've had these dreams… there was this man... this incredible man he was out here waiting for me. Waiting for me. All I had to do was find him. And I know how that sounds, but I feel like… like it's real... like Jack is the man I was dreaming about my whole life and I'm so afraid because I don't want to lose him. I love him so much, but I'm afraid I will because I… I'm…"

"Shhhh," she wrapped her arms around him and let him cry. "You are… wonderful. You're brave and… and yes, you are beautiful," she shifted so he was looking at her and she could wipe the tears away from his cheeks. "That's nothing to be ashamed of Kam. But I'll tell you something. If Jack loves you… if he really loves you… and I think he does… he wouldn't care what you looked like. Love doesn't look at the outside, it looks at the inside."

"But how can I know if he really loves me? How do you know?" Had he told her…? Oh, God, if he had… oh please...

"What does your heart tell you?"

Kam swallowed. It was too much to hope that Jack had told somebody… if he had that would make it real for sure… but he hadn't. He closed his eyes and answered her. "My heart tells me that I've never been so happy in all my life. That… that I could spend the rest of my life with him," he met her gaze again. "My heart tells me that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. When he holds me and tells me he loves me... I can't describe it, I just know that it's right. I know I don't have anything to compare it to, but I know… I just know… " he shrugged. She was probably going to tell him how stupid he sounded. "When he came back from being out on that other ship, he just… he looked right past me like I wasn't even there and it hurt so much," he confided anyway, bracing himself for her scorn.

"It's… probably too soon to start talking about the rest of your life," Anna began cautiously, acutely aware of the younger man's sensitive state. "But you should talk to him about the way you felt when he looked past you. Kam, he isn't going to know unless you tell him," she said to his fearful expression. "He can't read your mind. No matter how much he loves you… or you love him… you have to tell him when he hurts you or he'll never know he's done something wrong."

"I don't want him to be mad at me."

"He'll be more upset if you don't tell him. At least… I would be, if it were me and my boyfriend didn't tell me I'd done something to hurt him."

He swallowed but the lump in his throat wouldn't go away. "Do you think… I mean… am I really… his boyfriend?"

"What else would you call it?"

"I… don't know."

"Talk to him, Kam. I don't know the Captain well, but… he seems like a good man…"

"He is."

"Then talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Just… take it one step at a time, ok? No matter how right it feels… how right it is… take it a day at a time."

He nodded. "I keep trying to do that."

"Good." She slid down from the table. "You have a couple of hours before your shift starts. How about lying down here and taking a nap?"

"Here…?"

She shrugged. "I'm not expecting anything much to happen in the next few hours. Sometimes… sometimes it's nice not to be alone."

"Thank you."