"I don't care what Williams did! You need to keep your fists down and your hands to yourself, Newkirk," Hogan was saying as Kinch wrestled him into the Colonel's office.

"He's cheating, Sir! It's bad enough he stole Carter's Red Cross parcel, but now 'e's trying to take everyone's cigarettes!" Newkirk was still twisting as Kinch shook him to make him stand still. "And 'e never listens to orders!"

"Never listens to orders? That's rich coming from you, Newkirk," Hogan snapped.

Newkirk went limp. "That's not true, Sir. I, I, I listen to you all the time, Gov! Well, I try." He looked genuinely hurt as he pulled out of Kinch's grasp and dusted himself off. He bit his lip and hung his head.

Hogan couldn't fight back a small grin as he observed the willful Corporal trying to regain his composure. He's a handful, Hogan thought. But he's our handful. And as trying as he is, he does try to be good.

"All right, Newkirk, just – sit," Hogan finally said, waving his hand toward the desk. They'd been having a lot of little chats lately, and it looked like it was time for another one. "Kinch, join us," Hogan commanded.

Hogan watched Newkirk and Kinch settle in at the table, exchanging looks. Kinch was a steadying influence on the hotheaded Englishman. Newkirk had obvious respect for Kinch, whose quiet strength made him a power in the camp. Kinch, in turn, could see qualities in Newkirk that few others recognized, including an inherent decency that contradicted stereotypes about sneaky East Enders.

Hogan took his seat and began. "Did my eyes deceive me, or did you grab Williams around the throat, Newkirk?"

Newkirk's shoulders slumped even further, if that was possible. "You did see that, Sir. But he was cheating!"

Hogan shook his head. "Newkirk… you cheat at cards all the time."

"Yeah, but it's mmmy barracks and mmmy mmmates!" Newkirk protested. "And anyway, I don't cheat to win! I mmm, mmmanage the game, to mmmmake sure everyone gets what they need and nobody gets t-taken."

Now it was Hogan and Kinch's turn to exchange looks. What was he saying?

"Hang on," Hogan said. "Run that by me again?"

"What, Gov? What part's not cl-cl-clear?" Newkirk seemed genuinely puzzled.

"You don't cheat to win?" Hogan asked. "You 'manage' the game?"

Newkirk looked offended. "Well, of c-course!" he said. "What's the point of winning? We're all stranded 'ere together. It's not like I c-c-can go and buy a round at the pub with mmme earnings!" He looked from Kinch to Hogan, looking for a signal that his point was getting across. Unfortunately, it wasn't. This transmission was stuck. Newkirk realized he'd have to actually explain himself. He inhaled, dreading it. It was always harder when he was in the hot seat, but he didn't want the Colonel to think poorly of him for lashing out at that dirty, thieving Williams.

"Look, G-Gov. We play for fffags, right? Everything in the c-camp is traded for fffags," Newkirk explained. "Well, B-B-B-B-Broughton's worn a 'ole in b-both his socks and there's nothing left to stitch no mmmore. So if I can mmm, mmm, mmmake sure 'e leaves the card, card game with 50 cigarettes, 'e can go see Mmmmurphy in Barracks 3 and get the sssocks 'e needs. It's j-j-just that sssimple. But Williams—well, he's just cheatin' so 'e can 'ave mmm, mmm, mmore fags for 'imself."

It was an effort, but Newkirk was relieved that he got it all out. He wasn't sure what to make of the confused expression on Colonel Hogan's face.

"So you do that again and again?" Hogan asked.

"Yes, Sir," Newkirk replied, grateful that he had been understood. "Trying to mmmake sure everyone goes away 'appy at least some of the time."

"And if I'm following you correctly, you've put yourself in charge of the redistribution of wealth," Hogan said.

That sounded like an accusation. Newkirk frowned and pursed his lips.

"I-I-I don't know what you mean, C-C-Colonel. I'm j-j-j-j-j…" He exhaled and tried again. "J-j-j-j-j, j-j-just trying to k-k-keep life interesting but fffair." He looked at Kinch, wide-eyed. "Is it wrong to do that?"

Kinch and Hogan looked at each other, in a way that looked sort of reassuring to Newkirk, though he still wasn't sure how much trouble he was in.

"You do make life more interesting around here, Newkirk," Kinch said. "If you could just try not to throttle people, I think that'd be a step in the right direction."

"Exactly," Hogan said. "Just … keep your hands to yourself, OK, Newkirk?"

Maybe he wasn't in too much trouble after all. Newkirk looked relieved as he answered.

"Except when you need mmme to pat someone down, Sir?" Newkirk asked Hogan eagerly.

"Yes," Hogan said.

"Or plant something on an unsuspecting individual?"

"Right," Hogan agreed.

"Or pick a pocket, Gov? Because it's ruddy 'ard to pick a pocket when you're k-keeping your 'ands to yourself, Sir. C-can't be done."

"Let's just go with no fighting and especially no hands around the throat," Hogan said.

"Not even the enemy, Sir?" Newkirk asked earnestly.

"Squeezing enemy throats is fine. Just nobody on our side," Hogan clarified.

"Fair enough, Gov, because in point of fact I very rarely squeeze anything but enemy throats," Newkirk said.

Kinch suppressed a grin and thought, He'd make a good lawyer, but I object. "Remember that incident with Carter last week, when he came back stuffed with gourmet food from Klink's office, Newkirk?" he asked.

Newkirk nodded shyly. "It's a fair cop, Kinch. All right, no 'ands around the throats of friends and allies, and the throats of enemies are OK under direct orders. Will there be anything else, Kinch? Gov?"

"Yes, there's one more thing, Newkirk," Hogan said. "Give me back my watch."

Newkirk sighed, stood, and reached into his trouser pocket. "Caught me dead to rights," he said. "J-just staying in practice, Gov. You'd 'ave 'ad it back by nightfall."

He deposited the Colonel's wristwatch on the table, and followed up with Carter's lucky rabbit's foot, Kinch's cigarette lighter, LeBeau's utterly impractical cheese knife, Kommandant Klink's monocle case, and three bullets from Sergeant Schultz's ammo belt.

"There, that's today's swag, Sir. All yours. Is there anything else, Sir?"

"Just … just try to behave, Newkirk. You're dismissed," Hogan said. The Corporal stood up, saluted, and exited.

Kinch and Hogan sat together after Newkirk departed and broke into laughter.

"I'm just glad he's on our side, Kinch," Hogan said. "I don't think we'd stand a chance against him."

XXX

This story references the episode where Klink wines and dines Carter when he's pretending to be a turncoat. As soon as Newkirk found Carter hadn't been tortured, he grabbed and threatened him. It also mentions the episode where Newkirk attacks a POW named Williams by leaping across the table at him during a card game.