Chapter 10 (LF) I shall always be by your side

The week droned on, Sirius had only stirred twice, I slept by his side, well, I did not sleep, I more watched him when I was meant to be asleep, I just wanted him to wake up, to tell me he was ok. Every night tears would escape my eyes. I never shed a tear in front of the Potters, every so often Mr. Potter would take me to the side and hug me and tell me everything would be alright, but I knew, until Sirius woke up, nothing was going to be alright.

We got a medi-witch to come and see if Sirius was alright, she said he would recover, but to give him time to wake up, he had to regain his strength, the only way for him to do that was for him to sleep. I was barely listening, I only wanted to see Sirius' smile back on his face, hear his laughter come from those pink lips, I wanted nothing more than to see those grey eyes look at me how they used to, before they were closed, I wanted to be in his arms again for him to be the purvey Sirius he was at the end of the school year. I bowed my head as I started to cry; remembering every little thing Sirius used to do to annoy me, and how I missed it all.

James put his arm around me in comfort; I only wished it was Sirius' comforting arm. I leaned into James, crying into his chest "He's gonna be alright, I promise" I felt like arguing with James, telling him it was not ok, that it will never be ok, and Sirius was not in a state that you could say he was going to be ok.

Once the medi-witch had left, I climbed onto the bed and lay next to Sirius. Hugging him crying into his rising and falling chest, "Please Siri, don't do this to me" I whispered into his ear making sure the Potters had not heard what I had said, it was obvious I cared for Sirius a great deal, and I did, I cared for Sirius a lot more than I had ever cared for somebody, it was just unfair that somebody so perfect had to go through what Sirius endured.

It was the fourth week into the holidays, and I was lying next to Sirius when he coughed, I looked up at him, he was coughing, "Sirius" I put a hand on his and he grabbed hold of it "SIRIUS!"

"Ow, don't shout" he murmured weakly, I ran down the stairs to get the Potters, they followed me back up the stairs where we saw Sirius trying to sit up but struggling. I went to his side and helped him sit up; I did not let go afterwards scared he would crash back down and do more injury to himself.

The Potters started to check Sirius was ok. After a while they said he was fine but he should lie back down and eat something "You scared me so much Siri"

"I'm sorry; I kinda hoped you weren't the one to find me, I did not want you to see me like that" tears where flowing down my cheeks as he spoke, I had missed his voice so much "Come here" he patted the space next to him so I lay next to him cuddling into him, crying "I missed you" I murmured into his shoulder, he hugged me pulling me closer to him.

Within the week, Sirius was mobile and as irritating as ever, but I was pleased to have him around, he put a smile on my face and brought laughter from my lips. I did not go in his room for the night; I decided to just stay in my own bed, no matter what. I went to bed earlier than the boys as well; I could not be with them all the time. I did not know why I needed to cry, beat myself up; tell myself I was stupid and pathetic.

A couple of nights later I was in my room crying and telling myself how mucked up I am, when the door opened. I did not hear the door and jumped when a hand touched my shoulder. I turned around black streaked down my face because of my eyeliner, my eyes meeting grey. My eyes welled up with more tears, Sirius was seeing me cry, and he had probably heard me telling myself I was a pathetic bitch that should forget everything.

"Louise" he started gently, I wiped my eyes trying to pretend I had not been crying, but my tears did not cease and kept going. I curled up into a ball trying to hide from the beautiful figure in front of me, why did he have to be here? The only time I wanted to be alone. "I always wondered why you would go to bed before us"

"You shouldn't see me like this" my voice barely sounded like mine

"Well I have, and I am, so could you tell me why I'm finding you like this?" I did not answer him, I curled up into an even tighter ball on the bed; I did not actually know why I was crying, I did not want him to know how much I cared for him. I ignored him, trying to make it so he would leave, he put his hand on my shoulder rubbing soothing circles; I shrugged the hand off so he grabbed me from under my arms and lifted me up so he could see me, and I could not avoid him.

"Louise, talk to me, please"

"I don't want to" I struggled out of his grasp and left the room

"Louise! Don't do this!" he ran after me grasping my arm but I just wrenched it out of his grasp, fresh tears making their pattern down my face "Sirius, you don't care! Ok? You know you don't! You just want to believe that someone so fucked up like me, can be worth saving and being cared for! But you know what? I've known from the start of my life that I was never going to be somebody! I am not stupid Sirius, so stop pretending you care!" I had made it to the bottom of the stairs where I had been stopped my Mr. Potter holding onto my shoulders refusing to let go, no matter how hard I struggled.

After a while I just collapsed into his arms, tired from crying and tired from struggling, every muscle and bone in my body was shaking, tears still fell. I felt Sirius behind me so leaned against him "I'm sorry, I know you care, I just..."

"Hush, don't worry, I know you didn't mean it" he turned me round to hug me properly. I smiled up at him, while he was looking down to me. I buried my head in his chest as he walked me into the living room; he sat down lifting me up onto his lap, still my head in his chest.

A few minutes later I had fallen asleep in his arms, still eyeliner running down my face making a trail of black snail trails.

I woke up in my own bed alone, I stretched out my body yawning, then went to take a cold shower (what? It was too hot). I got out and wrapped a towel around me. A fully clothed Sirius was on my bed when I got back to my room, I did not really care to be honest; I just grabbed my clothes then went back into the bathroom to get changed.

I came out and still Sirius was sitting on my bed, he held out my eyeliner (he had borrowed it the day before) I took it muttering my thanks as I put a thick line under my eyes, then I put my socks and shoes on. We walked down to the kitchen together where the three of the Potters were sitting in silence.

"Morning" I said quietly trying not to draw attention to myself

"Morning" they echoed. They seemed a bit solemn but I did not say anything as I sat on the chair I normally occupied. I did not feel like eating so just sat still and silently wishing somebody would talk. After Sirius had finished his breakfast Mr. Potter cleared his throat "We have just had an owl from St Mungo's, my mother died a few hours ago" I sat there staring at Mr. Potter shocked, Sirius had a similar expression on his face

"I'm so sorry" I tried to get my voice even but it did not quite work, I always get very emotional when I hear of somebody dying "Don't worry Louise, she was ill for a while, it was expected" I looked down at my hands in my lap, Sirius went over to James and hugged him. I bit my lip still looking down. I did not know what to say; neither did I know whether to hug James or any of the other members of the family; so I just sat there, not looking at anyone or making a sound.

Later that day the Potters' went to sort out some of the things with St Mungo's. Sirius and I stayed at Godric's Hollow (I had found out that was the name of the house that the Potters' lived in). We did not do a lot, Sirius decided to sit on the sofa, next to me. We sat in silence, until I broke it "Sirius... who gave me that necklace?"

"I've already told you, I don't know, but whoever did, must love you"

"Who would love me?" I did not realise I had said it out loud until Sirius answered

"Many people, you are amazing, lots of people would love you" I did not believe him, well I could not, I had been told my whole life that no-one cared for me, how could I believe that now after so long?

"Louise, you need to stop being so... so hard on yourself... you're always really hard on yourself, and you shouldn't be, your pretty, no, your beautiful, your an amazing girl... I lo... I like to hang around with you, I like being with you, Louise, your amazing, your personality is immense as well" I frowned at Sirius, number one, what was he talking about, and number two, what did he slip up on? I brushed it aside, it was probably nothing.

I curled up against Sirius wanting a bit of comfort, burying my head in his chest holding onto the front of his shirt, he wrapped his arms around me tightly, pulling me closer to him. "Sirius"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you" I looked up at him smiling slightly

"What for?"

"For... being there, you know? You've always been there no matter what"

"You're worth that Louise, always remember that, and I promise you, no matter what, I shall always be by your side, never shall I turn my back on you" I smiled at him a bit more stroking his cheek gently, he was too sweet for his own good

"And I, shall do the same for you" I rested my head back on his chest.

Yes Sirius, I will always be with you no matter what, you just will never understand, why.