Chapter Nine

My last class of the day was personal finance, taught by a certain Mr. John Ratcliffe. And boy oh boy was he a fat ugly bastard if I ever saw one. Not to mention, he had this dirty Sanchez style mustache festering as some kind of bushy undergrowth between his nostrils and the slices of cold wet ham masquerading as his lips, which made him even more repulsive. To top it off, he even had a douchey-looking soul patch to go along with his long greasy black hair, as though he were some kind of overstuffed beatnik bumming around the kitchen section of an all-you-can eat poetry bar. (Is there such a thing? Shit if I know, but if there is, Ratcliffe would be first in line.)

The hoggish man reclined in his big purple plushy swivel chair, which looked almost comfortable enough to envy except for the foul stench of stale farts that were almost assuredly embedded in the fabric, and I could almost hear the poor object straining and creaking from his substantial weight.

The first thing he did when the bell rang was to look at us all with an expression of mild disdain and constipation and say in a curiously fey voice, "Let's cut to the chase, shall we? I hate this job and I hate all of you, which is fine because you probably all hate me. I will not bother wasting my time teaching you much of anything at all because this is a stupid throwaway class for seniors, designed just to fill time. It's the last class of the day, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and the sight of your sniveling little faces makes me feel rather ill. Also, I already have tenure, so they can't fire me anyhow. So, just amuse yourselves until the final bell rings and let's not delude ourselves into thinking we can squeeze out anything of value from these fleeting moments."

That was just fine with us, and everybody quickly got up and started pulling their desks around to sit with their friends and start chatting about whatever filled with their little pigeon brains.

Where did I decide to sit, you ask? I zoomed straight over to where Meg, Esmeralda, and a rakish black-haired boy who could only be the infamous Al were sitting together in the back.

"Well, look who it is," Meg said.

"New guy," said Al.

"You must be the 'Al' I've been hearing so much about," I said.

He held his arms out grandly. "The one and only. Do I live up to my reputation?"

He was dark-skinned and Arab or Persian looking, with a lean build and expressive eyes. I noticed his cousin Esmeralda had similarly thick eyebrows, although hers didn't quite look as though they were about to spin a cocoon and emerge forth as a butterfly at any moment.

"Oh, you're Aladdin," I said. "That makes sense, I guess."

Al's dark eyes narrowed. "Nobody calls me that."

"Well I just did."

"Ooh, what spunk. Tell me something, New Guy. Have you found where you fit in yet here at ol' Disney High? From what I've seen and heard, the jocks hate you. But you don't strike me as a nerd. So what are you?"

I shrugged. "I'm just me. I know it probably comes as a shock to you all but I'm actually a pretty nuanced person who doesn't really fall into any broad category."

The girls snickered and Meg said, "Oh, I don't know about that. You seem like a pretty textbook 'Smart-Ass' to me."

"With a few sprinkles of 'Dumb-Ass' thrown in there for taste," Esmeralda added, winking at me.

"Yeah, I bet you two feel pretty proud of making me look like an idiot at lunch," I said. "Do you usually target the poor innocent bastards like me?"

"Easy pickings," Meg said with a nod.

"But we mess with everyone," Esmeralda said, "Anyone who doesn't know any better, at least."

"You were just too easy," Meg agreed, "and hopelessly unaware."

"You were pretty adorable," Esmeralda giggled.

"Don't try to butter me up now," I grumbled.

"Never!" she exclaimed, feigning offense.

"Look at it this way, New Guy," Aladdin said. "All the girls did was give you a free little lesson in keeping your eyes open. You're gonna have to do that to survive here. You can't trust most of the student body as far as you can throw 'em, and that's not even mentioning the faculty."

"They're mostly psychotic," Esmeralda said brightly.

"So consider yourself officially initiated," Aladdin concluded.

Meg smirked. "You can thank us now."

I just shook my head. "You guys are a real piece of work. But you're right about one thing. I will keep my eyes open whenever any of you are around."

They all looked at each other and then the girls grinned for a split second before Esmeralda hopped onto my lap, taking me by surprise. She sat there sideways, but with her torso facing me.

I found myself staring right into those electric green eyes of hers, and my thoughts instantly became fuzzy again. All I could see were those bewitching orbs and all I could feel was the firmness of her curvy lower body pressing down on me.

'Down, boy,' I tried to tell Little Shane, but he wasn't wont to listen in situations such as these.

"I feel like we're getting off on the wrong foot," she purred. "I'm usually so much better at getting off than this."

"Wait…what?" I asked.

"Hmm?" she cooed.

I could hear Al and Meg snickering, along with the sounds of some other students. Were others watching right now? Could they see this? I was hopelessly at the mercy of the voluptuous girl now perched on my lap, but I couldn't imagine that this was normal behavior for a classroom setting, even one with an apathetic rat bastard like Ratcliffe teaching it. Was it? Wouldn't someone be coming to my rescue soon?

Esmeralda leaned forward a little, grinning at me, and her face was very, very close. I could feel her fingers traveling around my waist, tickling me.

"Hey!" Ratcliffe's voice suddenly barked. "You back there! Get down, you little trollop!"

Esmeralda lolled her head over to languidly glance back at the rotund instructor.

"Now!" he snapped.

Esmeralda sighed and rolled her eyes dramatically, then hopped off of me just as nimbly as she had jumped on. She went back to her seat and sat down with her chin in the air, looking quite satisfied with herself.

"Slut!" someone coughed, not so under their breath. I looked over to see who it was. Mulan. Shaking her head at me. Like it was my fault I had been pounced upon by that she-devil.

'Holy shit, I sound like Frollo,' I realized with a shudder. I was definitely going to have to repress any instincts that made me resemble that psychopath.

"It's only Day One and you little apes are already trying to convert this classroom into some kind of Mardi Gras festival," said Ratcliffe.

"Apes don't celebrate Mardi Gras," Tarzan said from up front. "Apes don't celebrate any holidays."

"Did I ask you for your opinion, mongrel?" Ratcliffe snapped.

Tarzan slumped in his seat. "No."

"As I was saying, I'm no Frollo but I would appreciate it if you save all your beastly mating rituals for outside of the classroom. Or else you will have to very quickly become acquainted with my ugly side, and you don't want that. Believe me."

"How many ugly sides does he have?" Meg muttered.

"Probably about three hundred, judging from the size of him," said Aladdin.

Ratcliffe went back to his desk, shooting a venomous glare in my and Esmeralda's direction, and the class went back to talking as though nothing had happened.

"And another teacher already hates me," I said. "Awesome. Just awesome."

"Oh, you want to be popular, is that it?" Meg asked me. "You weren't hoping to become Prom King, were you? Oh, dear!"

"Shut up."

"He only has seventeen bucks on him," Esmeralda commented. "How unimpressive."

I looked to see that she had my wallet in her hand and was thumbing through its contents.

"What the hell?" I cried, drawing an annoyed look from Ratcliffe up at the front. I lowered my voice and hissed, "Give me back my wallet!"

"I will…" Esmeralda said, "…when I'm done looking through it."

"So that's what that little lap-dance charade was all about," I muttered.

"Oh, honey, if you thought that was a lap-dance, you have been woefully deprived," Meg said.

"You're just too easy," Esmeralda snickered, still going through my wallet.

"Oh, I'm the one who's easy?" I challenged.

Esmeralda looked up with a mix of surprise and amusement. Her mouth opened as if I had insulted her and left her speechless, but she laughed a little along with her two friends.

"Oh, he's coming at you raw, cuz," Aladdin said. "You gonna take that?"

"He doesn't even know me and he's already insulted my virtue!" Esmeralda said. She tossed my wallet carelessly into my face, where I caught the rebound. "Take back your filthy wallet, you misogynist asshole. I don't need your meager pocket change anyway."

I put it in my front pocket this time, never breaking eye contact with her. "Yeah, try and manipulate me into feeling sorry for you all you want. It's not gonna work."

"You know, for someone so clearly morally superior," Esmeralda said, "it does come as a surprise to find this carried on his person." She held her hand up and moved two fingers slightly, revealing a small, square dinged-up packet between them. It said "TROJAN" on it.

I winced. I had forgotten that old condom was tucked away in there, but now here she was holding it out for anyone who cared to look could see.

"Wow, look at the shape it's in," said Meg. "I don't want to impede, but I would be careful about using it, Lover Boy. I'm not sure it'll work anymore."

"Okay, I give up," I said. "You guys win. You've broken my spirit. I don't know what you want from me, but you've successfully made me your bitch. Congratulations."

The girls both laughed and Aladdin shook his head at me as though he were disappointed.

"You sorry, sorry bastard."

"I don't know how you put up with them, man," I said. "But if there's any way to get them on your side, please share. I'm all ears."

"Well now that you're our bitch I think we might have a little mercy on you," said Meg. "But then again, I don't know."

"I don't know if I've ever had my very own bitch before," Esmeralda mused, looking at me.

"Oh shut up, skank," said Meg. "Every guy is your bitch."

"What-ever, Meg."

When the bell rang, I walked out with the three of them amidst the throng of students anxious to get to their lockers and get the hell out of there. Of course, all the rest of them had somewhere to go. I, however, had nowhere.

"Can you dance?" Esmeralda asked me.

"Not really," I said. "I can do the Carlton, though. Sort of."

"What's 'the Carlton?'"

"You've never seen the Fresh Prince?"

"The what?"

"Never mind."

"Dance for us, monkey!" Meg commanded. "Dance like you mean it!"

"Yeah, no."

"You're our bitch, so you have to do what we want! Now dance!"

"Dance!" Esmeralda agreed.

"We can dance if we want to," I said. "We can leave your friends behind. Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine."

They all stared at me.

"What."

"Oh come on!" I protested. "Safety Dance? Men without Hats? You've got to be kidding me."

Aladdin stepped forward and put an arm around my shoulder. "Yeah, we have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm gonna butt in now. I like you, New Guy. You're weird, but I see potential in you."

"Potential," I repeated. "Potential for what?"

"I don't know. You seem to have a nose for getting into trouble. We appreciate that in my crew. We're all the same way."

"Your 'crew?'"

"Oh yeah," he grinned. "Say, where are you from anyway?"

"Uh, nowhere really," I said. "California."

"Adventure?" Esmeralda asked excitedly. "I've always wanted to visit that province! I heard it smells like oranges everywhere!"

I laughed uneasily. "Uh, yeah, yeah it does. I guess."

"See, I just wanna make sure you're not some kind of narc," Aladdin said, stopping and staring at me suddenly. "You're not, right?"

"A narc?" I asked. "What? No, I mean, hell no."

"I don't want you to think me paranoid or anything," he continued, "but like I said, there's not a lot of trust to be had here. I always feel like Ms. Maleficent and Frollo are looking for ways to take me down. And yeah, having some guy nobody knows come and drop right into our school on the first day of our senior year and impersonate a student sounds a little sketchy, but you know what? I wouldn't put it past them."

I nodded, slowly, feeling his eyes boring into me. "Yeah, I feel you there, man. Kinda like 21 Jump Street. You guys seen that movie?"

"You mean the show?" Esmeralda asked. "With Johnny Depp? I love that show!"

So they presumably didn't have the Fresh Prince or 80's New Wave songs, but Johnny Depp existed here. I guess that made sense. He was Captain Jack Sparrow, after all.

"Yeah," I said, "I mean, the show. Great show."

"See, that's what I'm talking about," Aladdin said. "You keep referencing all this shit nobody knows about. Makes me wonder if you're really a teenager."

"What else would I be?"

He shrugged. "I dunno." He looked at me for a few more seconds before abruptly changing his demeanor. Instantly, he was back to being upbeat and friendly. "So, anyway, if you're not a narc, that begs the question. Do you like to party?"

"Do I like to party?"

"Yeah, man."

Meg leered at me. "Do you like to party?"

I had a feeling 'party' meant something more than Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey.

"Uh, I think so."

Aladdin snickered. "Right on, man. Well maybe you can party with us one of these days. Just, try and do a better job of flying under the radar. I already got enough heat on me as it is. You're like a walking magnet for negative attention. Which is why I don't think you're a narc after all. You unintentionally attract bad company."

"Well yeah," I said. "I got your guys' attention, didn't I?"

He chuckled and clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Ha. See, this guy's funny. I saw it in Ethics class with Gaston, but now I see it in person. I doubted you girls at first, but you really know how to pick em. This guy's got some character."

"He does, doesn't he?" asked Esmeralda.

"Don't ever doubt us, babe," Meg said, grabbing Aladdin's belt and pulling him a little closer to her. "Or I'll have to mess you up."

"Oh, God, can you two wait till we get home?" asked Esmeralda, annoyed.

"Stop cock-blocking me, cuz," Aladdin said. "I don't do that to you." He and Meg both gave me a knowing smirk.

Esmeralda gave him a simpering smile. "Oh, thank you, your graciousness."

"Well we gotta get outta here," Aladdin said to me. "My magic carpet awaits."

"You actually have a magic carpet?" I asked, my jaw dropping.

"That's just what he calls his stupid car," said Esmeralda.

"Come on now, stud," said Meg. "Be smarter than that."

"Oh," I said. "Well, I guess I'll see you guys around then."

Esmeralda leaned forward and pressed her body against mine, hugging me tight. I could have stayed there all day, feeling all that sweetness up against me, but despite my appreciation for the moment, I felt something lightly moving against my butt.

I pulled back suddenly and grabbed Esmeralda's wrist, making her fingers let go of my wallet (which I had foolishly returned to my back pocket at the end of class.)

She beamed at me. "See! He's learning!"

Meg laughed as I released Esmeralda and she darted off to join them.

"Well would you look at that. Byyyyye, Lover Boy."

Meg winked at me and then the three of them walked off, leaving me standing there alone.

"Shit," I said to myself. "I should have gone with them."

Where was I going to go now?

"You definitely should have followed those sweet pieces of ass," said a voice I recognized all too well. "But it's not like you have to go get laid the first day or anything. You've got all the time in the world, don't you?"

I slowly turned to see the grinning feline face of the one who had cursed me here. He was sitting there on a stone bench, gleefully licking his paw.

The Cheshire Cat.

"You," I growled.

"Did you miss me?"

His grin widened.

{Sorry for the somewhat admittedly slow pacing up to this point, everyone, but I really wanted to introduce each class period and as many characters as possible. (Of course, there are still plenty of other characters who will be popping up throughout, but at this point, we've met a good amount of them to start us off.) Once we fully get through Day One, we'll be able to move faster through the story and different plotlines. I promise we won't have to go through each period every day upcoming haha so be patient; all the high school drama will soon be under way. Any-hoo, sorry for the long wait between chapters but I'm already working on the next one or two. Hopefully I can finish and upload them soon (school and work permitting.) All reviews are appreciated, even the flames! (I'm looking at you, Mr. Kurklefuss, you dirty horn-dog, you.) If you guys think you see the ending coming, all I'm going to say is don't be so sure ;) Thanks for reading, everyone!}