"Head up Maggie remember what we discussed." Mary's voice caught the student as she was looking down at the ground.
"The judges want you to be confident." Mary tilted her own head in demonstration. "And eyes straight out in front. Confidence."
"Yes Lady Mary." Maggie sat up in the saddle and eyes moved towards the next jump.
"Softly but firmly." Mary's words were clipped in time with the horse's movement.
Mary shaded her eyes with her hand. The day was perfect. And she hoped the weather would stay that way until Saturday. Downton Stables had their first competitions that day, taking part in the York Riding Show. Maggie Mason, traveling on the train from Rugby every week for her lessons, was to ride in the gymkhana preceding the showcase jumping where Mary was make her debut. Mary had a few younger students as well but none of them up to the quality that Maggie already showed at 13. Maggie was going to ride the other horse Mary recently acquired as a boarding horse, a bay named Mr. Banks.
The buzz had been surfacing of her return. A local website interviewed her referencing the failure to compete in London. Mary had finessed that impolite inquiry back to her love of horsemanship and her excitement in supporting the local community in her new business venture.
The stakes were not as high as any return to Olympic trials, but for Mary the York Riding Show was important. If Maggie performed well the chances were excellent that she would bring in other students. In addition to her teaching, Mary's own riding skills would be under scrutiny. She was going to put Jellybean through her paces in both the show jumping and the cross country individual events. Dressage needed more precise exercise, choreography, and rehearsal. She and Jellybean needed more time to get each other's rhythm before attempting that event.
She wanted to be at her best. The family was to be in attendance. The Ripon event gathered interest all over northern England. Sybil and Edith promised to hand out brochures and information broadsheets about Downton Stables and general talk up Mary's endeavour in the stands.
Mary had said little to her father since the dinner with Matthew. Both men had essentially retired to their corners after whatever melee took place in the dining room over cigars. She did not know what to make of it all. Something had happened to set Matthew off certainly. His footfalls had been heavy on the gravel drive as he walked up behind her so unexpectedly.
She had gone out for a bit of fresh air after the interrogatory dinner with her sisters. Both had set Mary's teeth on edge with their inquisitiveness about Matthew. She felt he was at a complete disadvantage in that he had no idea she had confided to her sisters about their shared kiss. Her heart had gone out to Matthew as a result.
He had been agitated. Not necessarily about anything to do with Mary directly, she sensed, but rather a result of the conversation with Robert. His exchange with her had not been illuminating. He drove off once again leaving her with more questions than answers. Matthew's last glance had looked painful, expressing a need neither could deny. She knew it because she felt the same.
A need neither could yet act on…
She knew she wanted him in her life. As soon as he made his appearance in the music room before dinner Mary felt again the frisson between them. She had missed him. Had remembered the pressure of his lips on hers once again.
Never had a single kiss meant so much for her. Forbidden for sure. Was that all it was? The illicit making it exciting, and therefore enhancing its appeal?
Her reasoning told her therefore the pull she felt towards him was false. She couldn't trust her feelings. And for that rationale she felt grateful. Mary realized this attraction could not have come at a worse time. Her attentions needed to be on her business. Matthew had left everything to her, truly being the silent partner he had promised. He had told her in emails he had every confidence in her decision making. She was in charge and it was thrilling.
Her father, as predicted, was lukewarm towards her company. But he left her to her own devices and allowed all the builders and carpenters on the estate to complete the remodeling of the barn and stables. She had the local equine authorities in to give her the go ahead and her website was up and running thanks to a startup local company she employed.
In fulfilling her goal to be a part of the local community, Mary chose Downton Village's Two Women and a Computer to complete her foray into social media. Jennie and Sasha persuaded her with a dazzling presentation of their web design skills. The two followed her around for several days taking photos and making short films which they later used to create a logo and background images. Mary gave them a sound bite history of Downton Abbey as well as her own achievements as an equestrian.
All in all, it was a good start. Costs had stretched to the limit of her initial budget, but she had not asked Matthew for any more money. As soon as she had more students and a presence in the local community, she'd be bringing in her own profits. She had not expected anything more in the first year than to break even, so she was pleased.
But it put that much more pressure on her performance at the York Riding Show. She had been away from London consistently for several weeks. Trying to get back on weekends to see Henry, their schedules as usual were opposite. He was not sure he could even make the horse show as his own racing teams were competing that week end.
Mary had to admit to being put out at his disinterest. Or was it just that his schedule was as busy as her own?
She found it easier to blame Henry.
Sybil had been right about that. Trying desperately to find again the spark in their relationship, she had instead found herself hollowed out.
It just wasn't the same.
How to get it back was the question. For it was obvious she had no future with Matthew. There was no way she would hang about waiting for him to make up his mind. And no way she would consider an affair.
Or would she?
As Maggie brushed down Jellybean and her new student Sarah took off Mr. Banks's saddle, Mary moved into her office, converted from the old steward's quarters. She turned on the computer to check some grain feed prices.
Would she?
Matthew invaded her thoughts even as she made every attempt to push them away. That day at the farm. His hands seizing her shoulders. His masculine fingers gripping and pulling her close. His face hesitating just for a beat before he went in for the kiss they had both wanted.
His eyes afterward. The guilt as he pushed her away as his mobile buzzed. But also the desire. His eyes spoke and betrayed him.
Matthew had wanted her. Wanted to make love to her. Grab her and take her to a hotel. Or even take her in the cramped space of his sports car.
Mary knew it from his kiss. Intense, needy, his tongue confidently pushed into her mouth exploring. She had felt light headed afterward.
No one had kissed her like that.
It could have been just the beginning.
And yet now it seemed also the end.
He barely looked at her during the dinner. Mary wondered if she asked him, would he go away with her? That thought had invaded her mind and wouldn't leave.
She knew it was stupid. Complicating her life.
Better she believed Matthew to be a complete rotter.
Better she forgot him.
But then the thoughts of his hands possessing all of her took hold again. Roaming. Owning. Controlling her in a way she had never let a man do before.
It was so wrong.
No! Mary practically screamed it inside her brain. It was over. Done and dusted and good riddance to bad rubbish. She aggressively pushed some papers aside on the desk.
She had a perfectly good relationship with Henry. As far as she knew he loved her. She could learn to love him back.
She'd be better. Treat him better. Try to love him better.
Accept his marriage proposal…
That stopped her.
He had brought it up just the night before. She had made a special trip to London to attend an awards show with Henry. His rally team had lost but it had been a fun evening.
They returned to the town house. Henry went upstairs first while she finished up some things in her email. Entering the bedroom, she noticed Henry with a small box in his hand. His head was pushed against the pillow. He sat up when she walked through the door.
She knew what it was. What it had to be.
"Henry," she had said ""Henry do we have to do this now?" She undressed and put on the nightshirt and yoga pants she wore to bed.
"Because people get married. It's the natural course of things." Henry opened the box. "Take a look."
The ring was lovely. "Why can't we just leave things as they are?" But she did take it from his hand.
"I was hoping you'd be so mad crazy about the ring you'd accept. The truth is I won't sleep until I know where we're headed." He gazed at her with his blue-green eyes.
Mary played with it in her hand. "The truth is I'm still not sure. Not sure we'll be good in the long term."
"Because you have to marry someone from your own set?" Henry smirked. "Someone of better stock?"
"You're being unfair. We're past that surely." Mary fiddled with the ring. "I have so many other things on my plate right now. The new business, the upcoming horse show. This is hard…."
"I'm going to make this as hard and as horrible as I can." He said suddenly.
She turned to face him. "Is that a challenge?"
He shrugged. "If that what it takes to get you off the fence about us."
She handed him back the ring. "I want more time. We are not in any hurry, are we?"
"Of course not." Henry gave in with a grunt. "We have all the time in the world. But it doesn't mean I'll give up asking you every opportunity. I might even show up with a licence one of these days just so you can't say no." He gave her a wink.
"You'd be surprised at how little I can be pushed…." Mary retorted lightly but with a note of fair warning.
"I know…I know darling." And he took the ring and put it back in the box. They retired to bed without making love. Mary wasn't sure if Henry was pouting about her delaying an answer yet again, but had to confess to herself she was relieved. Sybil's accusations of using Henry to release sexual frustration had got to her whether she acknowledged it or not.
She was sexually frustrated. And it had nothing to do with Henry. But the bald fact was, even as she was perhaps too much of a coward to admit, that she wished he was someone else.
XX
Mary's attention was taken away from these thoughts by Maggie knocking on the door.
"The Bean is all done." Maggie said as she poked her head around into the office. "I'm off to pop back home."
"Thank you Maggie." Mary said. "Is Sarah still outside?"
"No her mum came to fetch her."
"Are we ready for Saturday?" Mary asked. "Get a right good rest and eat well. Need all your stamina and strength."
"You can count on me." Maggie responded brightly. "Looking forward to it. I've moved up an age group and the competition is that much fiercer."
"You'll do just fine. Has Daisy altered the riding jacket?" Mary had given Maggie her old tailored competition jacket from when she was a teenager. It was of excellent quality. Mary had found it in an old trunk upstairs in the old dressing room en suite to her own bedroom.
"Perfect. I'll do you proud." Maggie smiled.
Mary nodded briskly. "Of course you will. And I will try to do the same as your instructor." Mary's eyes widened. "I saw that Rosemary Fletcher on the roster. She's the real deal."
Maggie made a face. "She's got nothing on you. You'll trod all over her."
And the two laughed. A rather nervous, but just happy to be in the mix laugh. Both could not wait until Saturday.
Mary finished up and drove Maggie to the rail station and then back to Downton.
Her mother was in the library. "Come in and join me for tea." She motioned to her daughter.
"Let me go upstairs to freshen up and change. I'll be back when Mrs. Patmore brings in the trays." Mary went to shower and put on some jeans, boots, and a clean open necked shirt.
"Delicious." Mary tucked into the cake as she sat down next to her mother. "I don't think I ate since this morning. Of course Geoff will hate that I'm eating a slice of cake. But it's a rare thing. I won't take a second." And she took a sip of her non sweetened tea.
"Geoff is the personal trainer?" Cora asked. "Is he in Downton Village?"
"No." Mary answered. "Ripon. I have to see him tomorrow actually."
"An extra session right before the competition?"
"He wants to make sure I'm following his regime of crunches and squats every morning and evening. Then we'll go for a run. I'm already feeling stronger. My stamina level over the long stretch of the cross country is key. I can't tire." Mary admitted. "I had kept up my yoga even when I quit competition, but I do need more cardiorespiratory workout for endurance."
She had set herself a mile run every morning to begin, maybe getting up eventually to three or five miles. As she told Geoff though, she'd much rather be having the horse beneath her gliding over the countryside at a clip rather than a slog around a track at a gymnasium. They had compromised on a run around the park in Ripon or along a path at Downton by the lake that was located at the heart of the estate.
"I should take up something like that." Cora said. "Cross fit maybe? The pilates is fun, but I'm not sure it's invigorating enough."
"Oh Mama, you're always looking for something to challenge you. I'm surprised Papa can keep up with you." Mary joked.
"He is getting rather chunky around the middle." Cora observed. "I keep telling him, but he doesn't listen."
"How is his health?" Mary asked more seriously. "He seems so unsettled recently. Quick to temper." She didn't want to disclose what she knew from Matthew about the misappropriation of funds.
Cora gave a long pause. "He's not being entirely forthcoming but there is something going on with Grantham. Why he was so put out by your leave of absence."
"I told him Jim was more than capable. Besides he hired Matthew to give him advice." Mary was tired of hearing her father project his own problems onto Mary's leaving.
"He fired him." Cora confided.
"What?" Mary was stunned.
"They had a real go at each other at the dinner a few weeks ago and Robert said he let him go. I thought you knew. You and Matthew seemed to know each other rather more than I realized."
Mary blinked rapidly. "How …?"
"It's the way you look at one another. When you think no one else was looking." Cora said. "Did he tell you what happened?"
Mary should have known she could hide nothing from her mother. She shook her head. "No. He just drove off without much of a word."
"Is there something there? You really need to be careful. He's married, right?" Cora tried to be diplomatic.
"He is." Mary replied evenly. "I …" she trailed off.
"What is it dearest?" Cora's tone turned concerned. "Men can sometimes lose their way in a long marriage. It doesn't mean he has fallen out of love with his wife." Her words made Mary shiver.
"You sound like you have experience with this."
Cora's eyes darkened but she was noncommittal. "Not directly. I liked Matthew though. Didn't think he was that kind of man. But then," and here her tone was cryptic, "you never know."
"I'm not sure what kind of man he is." Mary said honestly. "There is something I've not told Papa. Matthew has helped me financially with starting up the stables. He's co-owner of Jellybean. He encouraged me over a dinner to follow my dreams."
"Is there a conflict of interest there?" Cora inquired.
"Not really. He promised to be a silent partner with me and he has. His argy bargy with Papa was quite separate. Having to do with Grantham as you said. I don't feel comfortable telling you what he said in confidence. Has Papa talked with you?" Mary tried to draw her mother out.
Cora heaved a heavy sigh. "He says very little to me about Grantham. It's as if he's embarrassed he's not making as much profits as his forefathers."
"I know Papa is desperate for Grantham to expand, but he's too dependent on Jarvis. Matthew had some good ideas but I guess Papa didn't want to hear them." Mary hypothesized. "I'm well out of it. I just want to concentrate right now on Saturday."
Cora agreed. "Will we see Henry there? He's not come to dinner for months."
"Busy as usual." Mary said dryly. "He said he'd try to make it but I'm not hanging my hat on it."
"What about this proposal?" Cora tried to ask coyly.
Mary rolled her eyes. "Edith? Or Sybil?"
Cora smiled. "Sybil. She's got this bee in her bonnet that you are about to ruin your life by going after this married man and have your heart broken."
"As if it's any of her business." Mary sniffed.
"She just cares." Cora stressed her younger daughter's emotional tug to her elder sister.
"She doesn't have to worry. I don't have a heart remember." And Mary arched an eyebrow and refused to continue the conversation any further. "I must dash as I've got an appointment with the saddlery. They're coming out to the Stables bringing two new saddles for the tack room. So as you see, I've got quite enough on my plate." Mary made her move to get up and get on.
Cora let her daughter go, but did not believe for one moment there was nothing between Matthew and Mary. She saw the looks exchanged. The unspoken tension. It was both a painful reminder of events in her own past, and a clarion warning bell in her head about the potential heartbreak in store for everyone involved.
XX
The horse's hooves dug into the soft ground, sending up clumps of dirt and grass. Mary grunted as she cleared the fence. She had the first three under her belt. Jellybean was racing well. The stone wall obstacle was next.
Jellybean baulked. Reared slightly and gave a whinny.
Mary made soothing noises and pulled her around for another try. She cleared it and they moved on to the water ditch. The sweat beaded on her forehead. The speed was necessary if she was to make good time across the course. She had one penalty dropped fence at the bank obstacle but she was still good on her optimum time.
She heard nothing. The sound of the horse and her own sharp breaths making a vacuum of everything else. Mary leaned up in the saddle to take on the combination obstacle. Two fences very close together requiring tight precision and uniformity of rider and horse.
Mary encouraged Jellybean and she flew easily over the first, while taking down a pole for one penalty at the second. The powerful muscles of the thoroughbred making easy time down the embankment to the next series of jumps.
Mary's horsemanship was on display as she maneuvered the animal around the bend and easily over the next combination obstacle. She was in total control.
The finish line was ahead. She crossed in good time with only the two penalties.
It was the best she could hope for.
Walking the horse around the paddock to cool her off, Mary removed her helmet. The late autumn heat was still oppressive. The flexible body protector under her jacket was not making it easier to breathe.
It was only when she approached the sidelines that she noticed the surprised looks of her family. Edith and Sybil were shouting something.
Mary approached.
"Are you okay?" Sybil ran over. "We heard there was a spill on the course. A horse threw their rider into a ditch. They thought it might be you."
"Oh God." Mary paced the horse closer to her family. "I didn't see anything. You get so focused on what you're doing. It must be someone behind me on the course." She turned around in the saddle but could see no one else approaching the finish line.
"We're relieved it's not you." Robert said. As it was not a national competition, there were no television cameras out on the course. So they had to rely on the event judges and managers for information.
"We're fine." Mary dismounted, still walking Jellybean around. "I need to get her back to her stall. Cool her off."
"Let one of the others do that." Robert said.
"I'll meet up with you later." Mary demurred. "I want to see to her."
Robert gave a wave and said, "We'll be in the tea tent then."
Mary had been pleased with the day's competition. Maggie had finished first in her age group and won the gold medal. Sybil and Edith had reported an upsurge in interest in Mary's business after that occurred.
Mary checked the board to see that she finished fourth overall. Not a bad start for her very first outing. She had wanted to do better. But something to achieve next time.
The riding community had welcomed her back with open arms. Whether that was because they were glad to see her, or that she was still considered a light weight threat to them, Mary did not know. Nor care. Her goals were her own at the York Riding Show. And she had achieved as much as she wanted.
She was concerned, however about this downed rider.
"Who is it?" She asked Bill Smith, the head groomsman when she brought her horse into the badge only staging area of the horse show.
"Mel Bruce." Bill answered. "She's having to be taken away by ambulance." He bit his cheek in concern. "There might be permanent paralysis, but they're not sure yet. Let's hope for the best."
Mary's shoulders sank. That was a very real danger in her sport.
"I was out on the course as well when it happened." She led Jellybean into her stall.
"I know." Bill came over. "We all thought it was you. Glad to see it wasn't, given it's your first day back. You did well today."
"Thank you." Mary's voice was warm. "It's very good to be back." And it was. The smells, the sounds, the comradery of the riders, she had missed it.
It made her excited for more.
Mary was rubbing down Jellybean and giving her soothing nickering sounds when she felt the presence behind her.
She turned suddenly to see Matthew. His face white with concern.
"I…I just arrived when the announcement was made about the horse throwing the rider. They…" He swallowed thickly. "…they didn't know who it was."
"Matthew…" Mary's voice tight and low. "I didn't know you were here."
She had told him about the event in an email and left a badge for him as an owner of her horse, he was allowed into the staging areas of the horse trials and stalls. She stood little hope he'd take her up on the offer as he had been in virtual no contact in the weeks between the dinner and the horse show.
"I…" his eyes shifted back and forth nervously. "I only made up my mind at the last minute to come. I .." and he smiled suddenly, his face bright with delight. "I wanted to see you ride." His eyes roamed to take in the fact she was alive and whole. Her riding jacket was open, her breeches tight and a bit dirty from the softened ground on the course. "You were magnificent."
"You were watching?" Mary was cautious. "Did my family see you?'
"No…" He stumbled again. "No. I watched from a distance. And then I lost you around the bend at the embankment. That's when I became concerned when the announcement was made. I rushed back here but got lost trying to find Jellybean's stall."
"Why are you here? You said we couldn't be friends." Mary's voice was icy. She didn't want to play these games anymore.
He leaned in to whisper an answer. So that only she heard his words. "I don't want to be your friend Mary." His voice hoarse from emotion. "I love you too much to be just that."
Mary reached back to see his face. It was etched with torment. "You love me…" She was so close to him she could feel the dampness on his shirt from his exertions in locating her. He was sweaty and hot and so very near to her face.
The kiss was hard when it came. Hard on her lips. He took them with a desperate passion. She responded in complete abandon to the moment. They tugged and grasped at each other, barely coming up for air as the kiss deepened and lingered.
"What…" She pulled herself away from him with a great deal of effort. "What does this mean…"
But she didn't need an answer from his lips. He clasped her face with his hands, his thumbs gently stroking her cheeks as he moved in again. His eyes were dark, blue rings around dilated pupils.
Her hands moved to cover his own. She felt for his wedding band.
It was no longer on his left hand.
XX
tbc