Scene I
[The living room. The girls' bedroom door is open.]
CINDY: (offscreen) Oh, Janet, you look so beautiful!
CHRISSY: (also offscreen) You really do. Like you stepped off a wedding cake.
JANET: (also offscreen, amused) Thank you. [Doorbell.] Oh, that must be Jack. Could one of you let him in? But don't let him see me.
CHRISSY: (confused) But Jack already knows what you look like.
CINDY: I'll do it. [She enters and crosses over to the front door. She opens the door to Larry.] Oh, hi, Larry. We thought you were Jack.
LARRY: Disappointed?
CINDY: Not at all. [She gives him a big kiss.]
LARRY: Mm, if weddings make you this romantic, maybe we should get married. [She turns away and doesn't laugh.] That was a joke.
CINDY: Was it?
LARRY: Cindy, you know how I feel about you.
CINDY: (looking at him again) I'm sorry, Larry. I really like you. And you're fun to be with, but I just don't love you.
LARRY: (quietly) Oh.
CINDY: I'm really sorry.
LARRY: Hey, it's okay. Now I don't have to catch Janet's garter. [He turns and exits.]
CINDY: Larry! [She starts to go after him, but Chrissy emerges from the girls' room, shutting the door behind her.]
CHRISSY: Was that Larry?
CINDY: Yes, and I've just ruined Janet's wedding.
CHRISSY: But the wedding hasn't even started.
CINDY: No, I rejected Larry.
CHRISSY: Oh, I've rejected him lots of times. He'll get over it.
CINDY: No, it's not like that. (as Mr. Furley appears behind her) He wanted something serious, and I was mostly dating him for the sex. [Mr. Furley looks utterly shocked. Chrissy gestures frantically.] He's standing behind me, isn't he?
CHRISSY: No, not Larry. Uh, I mean, not the guy who doesn't live in this building and is a complete stranger to Mr. Furley.
CINDY: (weakly) Mr. Furley?
MR. F: You and Larry? In my building?
CINDY: (turning slowly) Hi, Mr. Furley.
MR. F: (coming in) Now, I know you're new, but if my brother Bart knew about there being hanky-panky in this building— [The Ropers appear.]
MR. R: What? Hanky-panky? Besides Jack and Janet?
MRS. R: Oo, who?
CHRISSY: It's okay, they've broken up.
MRS. R: Who?
CINDY: (embarrassed) Me and Larry.
ROPERS AND FURLEY: What?
JACK: (appearing in the doorway behind the Ropers) Can I come in? Now that you're all here to chaperone me.
CHRISSY: Jack, you can't see Janet!
JACK: Don't worry, I'll stay out of her room.
MR. F: It's a little late for that, isn't it?
CINDY: Jack, you have to go look for Larry. We just broke up and he seemed upset.
JACK: You broke up with my best man on my wedding day?
CINDY: I'm sorry, Jack.
MR. F: Listen, Jack, if you'd like me to help, just say the word.
JACK: Great, go look for Larry.
MR. F: (hurt) I meant I could be your best man.
JACK: (touched and amused, despite his irritation over the situation) Thanks, R.F. But Janet and I were hoping you could give Janet away. Her parents' flight got snowed in.
MR. F: In April?
JACK: (shrugging) That's Indiana.
MR. R: Wait a minute, I was Janet's landlord for three years. This guy's only been here for two.
MRS. R: Oh, Stanley, don't argue about it.
MR. F: It's all right. I'm not really the fatherly type.
CHRISSY: Yeah, you're more the type who can give Larry advice about being dumped. [Mr. Furley looks offended.]
JACK: What Chrissy means is, you're a man of the world. You know a lot about relationships.
MR. F: Well, I guess I can at least check his apartment to make sure he hasn't killed himself. [He exits.]
JACK: Thanks.
MR. R: And I'll go to the Regal Beagle.
JACK: God, you think he might be getting drunk?
MR. R: (shrugging) Who knows? I just need a drink myself. [He exits.]
MRS. R: I'd better go with him. [She exits, closing the door on her way out.]
JACK: Now that they're gone, I can finally talk to Janet. [He goes towards her room.]
CINDY: Jack, it's bad luck to see your bride on your wedding day!
JACK: I'll keep my eyes shut. [He knocks on the girls' door.] Sweetie? Can I come in?
JANET: Well, um, give me a minute.
JACK: OK. (to Chrissy and Cindy) How's she doing? Is she nervous?
CHRISSY: Oh, you know how Janet gets. The smallest thing worries her.
JACK: Thanks, Chrissy. I didn't realize that marrying me was a small thing.
CINDY: How about you, Jack? Are you nervous?
JACK: Moi? I've got nerves of steel, ice water in my veins—
JANET: You can come in now, Jack. I've taken off my gown.
JACK: (sinking to the floor) Jelly in my knees.
CHRISSY: (to Cindy) But won't Jack still see her gown if it's in the same room?
CINDY: Come on, Chrissy, let's decorate the wedding cake.
CHRISSY: But it's already got icing and everything.
CINDY: We'll add their names to it. [She leads her cousin into the kitchen. Jack does the I'm calm movements.]
JACK: (smoothly) I'm coming in, Janet. I hope you're ready for me. [He opens the door. Then he sounds disappointed.] Oh, you're in your bathrobe.
JANET: Yes, but that's all. Well, that and the garter belt.
JACK Hurt me! [He enters her room. Pause. Then the sounds of a makeout. Then a weird sploosh sound.]
CINDY: (offscreen) Oh, I'm so sorry, Chrissy! I didn't mean to get the icing on you!
CHRISSY: It's okay. I'll go wash up in the bathroom. [She enters from the kitchen, blue icing on her. She pauses as she hears the makeout. She smiles and shakes her head. The doorbell rings.] But first I'll get the door.
CINDY: (offscreen) I hope that's Larry.
CHRISSY: (going towards the front door) Even though you broke up with him?
CINDY: (entering from the kitchen) No, for the sake of— [Chrissy opens the door to Ted.]
CHRISSY: Hi, Ted. Sorry I'm such a mess.
TED: (turned on) No, you look great. Uh, I mean, blue suits you.
CHRISSY: Too bad the bridesmaids' dresses are pink. [She snort-laughs. Then Janet moans.]
TED: They couldn't wait till the honeymoon?
CINDY: Oh, no, are they at it again?
CHRISSY: Well, they haven't been alone since Mr. Roper and Mr. Furley found out.
TED: I don't blame them. But, Chrissy, your mom, your dad, and your aunt are on their way upstairs.
CHRISSY: Oh, my aunt! I didn't know she was coming! That's wonderful! Which aunt?
CINDY: Is it my mom?
CHRISSY: Or is it the one with the broken elevator?
TED: It's Becky, but—
CINDY: Oh, I love Aunt Becky! I practically grew up on her farm.
CHRISSY: I caught swine flu there. Or was it chicken pox?
TED: Look, Girls, the main thing is, Chrissy's dad is a minister.
CHRISSY: I know, he's going to marry them. [She snort-laughs.] If my mom doesn't mind.
CINDY: (understanding) Oh, right! Come on, Chrissy, we need to keep them out of the apartment for the next—[She looks at her watch.]—hour.
TED: Really? Jack can last—? [A man in a reverend's collar appears.]
CHRISSY: Hi, Daddy! Ted's taking us all to brunch.
TED: I am? Oh, right, I am.
REV. SNOW: That's very generous of you, Ted. Especially after that long drive from Fresno. [Janet cries out.] What was that?
CINDY: Janet. Um, she's just emotional because of her wedding day.
MRS. SNOW: (appearing in the doorway) Bride's nerves? Maybe I should talk to her.
CINDY: I think she just needs some time alone.
CHRISSY: Where's Aunt Becky?
MRS. S: Downstairs talking to that funny little man your landlord. The new funny little man I mean.
JANET: Oh God!
REV. S: Maybe I should talk to her.
CINDY: She'll be fine. [They all exit.]
MRS. S: (offscreen) Dear, why are you wearing blue icing? [Fade to commercial.]
Scene II
[The living room is empty, until the girls' door opens and Jack stands there in his undershirt and briefs.]
JACK: Mm, thanks for the preview of our wedding night.
JANET: (giggling offscreen) Thank you.
JACK: But I really should go change for the wedding. [Doorbell.]
JANET: Let Cindy or Chrissy get that.
JACK: OK. [He closes her door and calls over to the kitchen.] Cindy? Chrissy? Weird. Let's see. That could be Larry, in which case I should let him in. But it could be Chrissy's parents. Or mine. Or Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley.
MAN: (offscreen) Anyone there? It's Jim the bartender.
LARRY: (drunkenly offscreen) And Larry! [Jack shakes his head and goes to the door.]
JACK: (opening it) Thanks for bringing him, Jim. But I thought Roper was gonna bring him back.
JIM: Roper? He was too busy smooching with Mrs. Roper.
JACK: Mr. Roper? Smooching? With Mrs. Roper?
LARRY: (leaning towards Jack) With tongues, Jocko. It was revolting.
JACK: Ugh, so's your breath. Jim, can you do something about this?
JIM: I can try.
JACK: Help yourself to anything in the kitchen. Oh, and you can stay for the wedding.
JIM: Uh, thanks.
LARRY: Come on, Jocko, what kind of invite is that? Just cos the man slept with your fiancée—You did know about that, right?
JACK: (wearily) Yes, Larry, I knew.
JIM: Look, Jack, it was when you were seeing Linda, and Janet really—
JACK: Jim, let's talk about this later. I'm getting married in an hour and I need to get dressed.
JIM: Sure.
JACK: Thanks. [He exits to his room.]
JIM: It's not like I have feelings or anything. I'm just a bartender, right?
LARRY: You talkin' to me? You must be talkin' to me. There's nobody else here. [A cute redhead with a bob shows up in the open doorway.] Except her. Hey, Eleanor!
ELEANOR: Hi, Larry. Oh, and Jim. Are you bartending at the wedding?
JIM: (sulkily) I guess. [He exits to the kitchen.]
ELEANOR: He never liked me.
LARRY: I liked you, Eleanor. Hey, Eleanor, will you be my date to the wedding?
ELEANOR: Your date?
LARRY: Yeah, I'm alone, you're alone— [A cute little red-haired boy of about 4 runs in.] That kid's alone.
LITTLE BOY: Mommy!
LARRY: Oh, I forgot, you're an unwed mother.
ELEANOR: No, I'm divorced.
LITTLE BOY: And Mommy's not alone.
ELEANOR: Seth's right. I'm here with my girlfriend.
LARRY: Oh, you brought a friend. Is she pretty?
ELEANOR: (smiling) Very.
LARRY: Well, maybe she can be my wedding date. [A woman with wavy blonde hair enters.] Eleanor's friend, will you be my date? What's your name by the way?
WOMAN: Joanna. And you must be Larry.
LARRY: Wow, beautiful and psychic! What am I thinking about? [Joanna slaps him.] She's good!
JOANNA: Sweetie, he's worse than you said.
ELEANOR: Darling, I think he may be drunk.
LARRY: Wait a minute, when you said "girlfriend," you didn't mean "girlfriend." You meant "girlfriend."
ELEANOR: (taking Joanna's hand) Right.
LARRY: No wonder you never went out with me!
ELEANOR: (smiling) Exactly.
SETH: Plus you're a big turkey.
JIM: (entering from the kitchen) Hey, go easy on the guy. He got dumped today.
LARRY: Yeah, I'm on the rebound.
JIM: (handing him a glass) Here, drink this.
LARRY: Will it cure a broken heart?
JIM: No, but it'll reduce nausea.
JOANNA: Then can you pour me a glass?
JIM: (throwing his hands in the air) What am I, everybody's servant?
ELEANOR: We'll get it ourselves. [She scoops up Seth and she and Joanna go into the kitchen. The doorbell rings.]
JIM: And I'm not answering the door either.
LARRY: I'll get it. I'm the best man. I should greet the guests, since Jack isn't presentable.
JIM: (muttering) Whatever. I don't care. It's not my wedding you're ruining.
LARRY: (opening the door to a pretty girl with very long dark hair) Well, hello there. Will you be my date to the wedding? [Jim shakes his head.]
GIRL: I don't think my husband would like that.
LARRY: Why are all the good ones taken? Hey, wait a minute. I know you, you're Janet's sister Junie, right?
GIRL: Jenny.
LARRY: Yeah, the one Jack slept with. [A young man with very curly dark hair appears.] Let me guess. Your husband?
JENNY: Yes. Kip, this is Larry.
KIP: Oh, yeah, of course. And let me guess. It was just a big misunderstanding.
LARRY: (amazed) How did you know?
KIP: When Jenny and I met, I was wearing women's clothes.
LARRY: You should talk to Eleanor.
JACK: (coming out of his room, in a wedding tuxedo) Jenny, is that you?
JENNY: (giving him a hug) So you're finally marrying my big sister?
LARRY: Well, he has to. [Janet's parents appear.]
MR. & MRS. W: What?
JACK: Um, he means because I can't live without her anymore. Mom, Dad! I thought you were snowed in.
MR. W: We caught another flight.
MRS. W: Now, Jack, should you be over here before the wedding?
JENNY: I thought Jack lived—[She sees Jack gesturing frantically) I thought he lived for this day and even though he probably hasn't seen Janet, he's so much in love, that even talking to her through the bedroom wall is enough for him.
KIP: (aside) You're good at this.
JENNY: (aside) Janet taught me.
MRS. W: Well, I'm the mother of the bride, so I'll go in and help make her beautiful.
JACK: (nervously) Oh, you don't have to do that.
MRS. W: Oh, I know you already think she's gorgeous, but just some finishing touches. Come on, Jenny. [Jenny shrugs and follows her mother to the girls' room. Mrs. Wood opens the door quickly and they go in. The door shuts behind them.]
JENNY: (offscreen) Oh, Janet, are you allowed to wear white? Uh, I mean it's not after Memorial Day yet.
KIP (to Jim) She still needs a little practice. [Jim nods.]
LARRY: (who's been suspiciously silent for awhile) I don't feel so good. [He rushes to the bathroom.]
JACK: (annoyed and worried) Jim, what did you give him?
JIM: Dammit, Jack, I'm a bartender, not a doctor! [Fade to commercial.]
Scene III
[The living room again. The couch has been moved to the side, and folding chairs have been set up, facing downstage. All the guests, including that black couple who never say anything but come to all the parties, are mingling. Jack looks nervous.]
REV. S: Jack, it'll be fine. You and Janet are building on a deep, long-lasting friendship. Your love has grown—
JACK: Thanks, Reverend, but I'm not worried about Janet. I'm worried about Larry.
REV. S: (confused) Larry?
JACK: Yes, he still hasn't come out of the bathroom.
REV. S: Well, you have many friends here who could step in. Like your landlords. Or that Negro fellow. Or Ted.
JACK: I hardly know Ted. And that black guy is named, um. Hold on a minute. [Larry emerges from the bathroom.] Oh God! (glancing at the reverend) In a good way. Larry, how are your feeling?
LARRY: Fine. Couldn't be better. So Cindy dumped me. I never even got to score with the other women who've lived here.
REV. S: Score?
JACK: Uh, Larry, have you met—?
LARRY: So she was on me like white on rice till that Ted guy showed up. But am I bitter? No!
REV. S: White on rice?
LARRY: So even Furley's met someone. [The camera briefly cuts to Furley talking to an attractive older woman.] And by the way, Cindy's aunt is hot!
REV. S: (coldly) Becky is my sister.
LARRY: Well, then you've seen her.
JACK: Jim, can I talk to you a minute?
JIM: No, Jack, I will not be your best man. It's bad enough that I'm doing this bartending gig for free.
JACK: Kip? Anybody?
CHRISSY: Jack, let me handle this.
JACK: Oh God! Sorry, Reverend.
CHRISSY: Larry, if you don't ruin Jack and Janet's wedding, I'll go out with you.
JACK: Chrissy, are you crazy? Forget I asked.
REV. S: Chrissy, I don't know that Larry is the sort of young man I want you dating.
LARRY: It's because I'm a used car salesman, isn't it?
CHRISSY: Daddy, it'll be just one date. And only if he behaves during the wedding.
LARRY: What about on the date?
REV. S: (under his breath) Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not kill.
LARRY: Chrissy, it's a deal. Come on, let's get my best friend married! [He lets out a whoop. Everyone stares at him.] Come on, People, let's show some enthusiasm. Jack and Janet are going to declare their love for each other to us, their nearest and dearest. Can we show our support? [Mrs. Roper lets out a cheer.] Right on, Mrs. Roper! Now the rest of you. [He works up the crowd till they're chanting "Jack and Janet."]
JANET: (offscreen) What the hell is going on out there?
JACK: Sorry, Reverend.
REV S: Let's just get on with the wedding. I have a sermon to preach on Sunday. [The little old lady organist starts playing the Wedding March.]
CHRISSY: Wait wait wait! [Everyone looks at her.] I'm a bridesmaid. [She goes into the girls' room and shuts the door. The organist starts over. Chrissy comes back in, followed by Cindy. Then the organist switches to "Here Comes the Bride." Everyone waits in anticipation. Then the doorbell rings.]
JACK: Ignore it. They'll go away. [The organist strikes the opening chords again. The doorbell rings again.]
JIM: What the hell, I'll get it. [He opens the door to Jack's parents and brother.]
JACK TRIPPER, SR: Sorry we're late. Traffic was terrible from San Diego.
JACK: Uh, Everybody, my dad, my mom, my brother Lee.
MR. F: I thought your brother was named Austin.
CINDY: (to Chrissy) Wow, Jack's brother is cute!
CHRISSY: Yeah, but he's all frosting. [Cindy looks confused.]
LEE: It's my fault we're late. I was going to use the company jet, but I had to leave it in Honduras. [Jack rolls his eyes.]
REV. S: Will everyone please be seated so that we can continue? [The Trippers find seats. The organist starts again. Janet and her dad come in. She looks radiant and nervous. Jacks gazes at her adoringly.] Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in this, um, holy living room—
MRS. R: (to Eleanor) The floor is holey, the walls are holey….
REV. S: To join together this man and this woman in the bonds of matrimony. If anyone can show just cause why these two should not be married, let him speak now or— [A very pretty nurse, with her light blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, appears in the open doorway.]
NURSE: Um, excuse me?
LARRY: Goodnight, Nurse!
NURSE: Maybe I have the wrong apartment. I'm looking for 201.
CHRISSY: Oh, you must've seen my ad!
CINDY: You advertised for a nurse?
CHRISSY: No, for a new roommate. With you and me both living here but Janet and Jack moving out—
JANET'S PARENTS: What?
MRS. W: Jack is living here? Before marriage?
MR. W: Oh, my ulcer!
MRS. T: My son is a good boy.
MR. F: Besides, he used to be gay.
WOODS & TRIPPERS: What?
JACK, SR.: My son is not gay! [People yell and argue. Then the nurse puts two fingers in her mouth and whistles. Everyone looks at her.]
NURSE: Excuse me, I don't know any of you, but it seems like the important thing here is that these two people are getting married. The past is the past. Let them have a future. [Everyone looks impressed.]
LARRY: Before you move in here and break my heart, can you tell me your name?
NURSE: (amused) Terri Alden.
LARRY: Larry and Terri. [He sighs.] Perfect.
REV. S: Let's see, where was I? Ah, yes. No objections, bla bla bla. I'll skip over the next part. It's not like you're Methodists. All right, do you, Jack, take Janet to be your lawfully wedded wife?
JACK: I do.
REV. S: Janet, ditto, except husband instead of wife.
JANET: Um, yes.
REV. S: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride. [A big smooch between Jack and Janet. Applause.] OK, Ted, if we leave now, we can beat the weekend traffic.
TED: Wait, before we go, I want to ask your daughter something.
REV. S: All right, but be quick about it.
TED: Chrissy, when we met, I was just your little math tutor, but eight years have passed and, well.
CHRISSY: Yes, Ted?
TED: Well, um, with a right triangle, A squared plus B squared equals what?
CHRISSY: If it's the right triangle, then it's always equal. [She snort-laughs.]
TED: (shaking his head) And if a car leaves Santa Monica for Fresno at 70 m.p.h.— [He exits. Fade to commercial.]
Scene IV (The Tag)
[The living room again. The women are clustered as Janet gets ready to throw the bouquet. To everyone's surprise, Mrs. Roper catches it.]
MRS. R: Oh, Stanley!
MR. R: Helen, we're already married.
MRS. R: Yes, but we could have a second honeymoon. [He flees out the front door.] What am I saying? We barely had a first honeymoon. [Janet removes her garter. She throws it and Larry catches it, without really noticing, because he's talking to Terri.]
LARRY: So I always wanted to be a doctor. Or at least play doctor.
TERRI: (amused despite herself) Oh, I've never heard that one before.
JANET: (to Jack) It's hard to just walk away from all this. Annoying as everyone is, I'll miss them.
JACK: We'll be living close by.
JANET: Yeah, you were lucky that the owner of the bistro that just hired you had that vacant apartment upstairs.
JACK: A new place to make love to you in every room. [She giggles.]
JANET: But first there's a honeymoon suite at that nice inn in Vermont.
JACK: Yeah, some place where everyone isn't crazy. [Fade to credits.]
TONIGHT'S GUEST STARS (in order of appearance)
Ted McGinley as Ted McKinley
Peter Mark Richman as Reverend Snow
Priscilla Morrill as Mrs. Snow
Paul Ainsley as Jim the Bartender
Marianne Black as Eleanor Garvey
Seth Green as Seth Garvey
Joanna Kerns as Joanna
Devon Ericson as Jenny Wood-Wilson
Tom Hanks as Kip Wilson
Macon McCalman as Mr. Wood
Paula Shaw as Mrs. Wood
Sue Ann Langdon as Aunt Becky Snow
Dick Shawn as Jack Tripper, Sr.
Georgann Johnson as Mrs. Tripper
John Gate as Lee Tripper
Priscilla Barnes as Terri Alden