We packed up camp late into the morning. I had a slight headache from the day before, but I was ready to take on the day's events. Shabon looked at me expectantly for his morning meal, sitting next to me patiently. I dug into my pack for a piece of jerky but found none.
"Hey," Alistair said walking over to me, "here, we caught in the night." He handed me a rabbit that looked as if it were dead for a couple of hours.
"Thanks," I said.
"How are you feeling?" He asked as I threw the hare to Shabon who caught it in his jaws and began to eat.
"My head still hurts," I admitted, "but I'm fine."
"What you did yesterday," he said, "was pretty heroic, I'm not going to lie."
"Thanks," I said, "as stupid as it was."
"Exactly," he laughed, "but I just thought that you should know that we appreciate all you do. You help people you don't even now in a place that's totally alien. I think that's a great thing."
"Thanks Alistair," I said.
"We'll be moving soon," he said, "when everyone is ready."
"Got it," I said, "I'll be ready in a few minutes."
We had decided to go through Bann Loren's lands, or so I was told. I had no idea who this Bann Loren was or what his importance was and when I asked Alistair who he was, he simply said that he was a nobleman in the Landsmeet at Denerim. Shabon walked beside me and Leliana. Shabon seemed to have taken a liking to her since yesterday.
The path narrowed until we were walking in single file. I heard loud, gruff voices from up ahead.
"Cayne," I said calling up to him, "we should scout ahead before going any further."
"Good idea," he praised.
"I'll go with you," Ashely said.
"As will I," Leliana volunteered.
I led them ahead on the path, leaving Shabon behind to wait patiently with the others. I crept ahead, wondering what could possibly be there. I stopped just outside a small clearing that was below me in a small valley. I could survey the entire scene from where I was. I could see a man with the royal honor guard uniform. I recognized him from Ostagar. He was surrounded by guards, five of them. One guard who looked to be the leader struck the soldier in the face.
"Should we step in?" Leliana asked as she, Cayne, Ashley, and I watched the scene unfold.
"I think we should stay out of sight rather than attack them head-on," I said, "there might be more nearby."
"Leliana," Cayne said, "can you take them out with your arrows?"
"Of course," she said as she took her bow and knocked an arrow, moving away from our position.
"I'm going to the other side," Cayne said as he took his own Dalish bow, "you and Ashley stay here in case things get a little hectic."
"You got it, boss," I said. Cayne crept away to the other side of the clearing. A few moments later. An arrow struck the leader in the neck coming from the direction that Leliana went. Another arrow embedded itself in another guard from the direction that Cayne went. Two arrows struck two more guards and the last guard fell as another embedded itself in his shoulder. I looked about to see if there were anymore lurking about and when I was satisfied, I jumped into the clearing, stepping around the dead bodies.
"Hello, friend," I said to the soldier, "my friends saved you from those guards, do you mind telling me your name?" The soldier looked up at me and realization flooded his worn face.
"You," he said, "you were at Ostagar…the Wardens."
"I was there, yes," I said, "so was my friend here. We were there at Ostagar as well." The soldier began to weep uncontrollably.
"I failed him, I did," he said, "the king gave me orders and I failed him. Now King Cailan is dead."
"What were your orders?" Ashley asked softly.
"I left my men at Ostagar," he said, "and now the king is dead."
"Even if you were there," I said, "there's nothing you could've done."
"I know," he said, "but that doesn't mean that it was right."
"What's your name, friend?" I asked again.
"Elric," he said, "I-uugh!" Elric collapsed in front of me with an arrow embedded in his back.
"Elric!" I exclaimed picking him up.
"Don't worry about me," he said, "I'm a dead man. Hear me," he said beckoned me closer, "Cailan told me that if anything happened to him, to give the key to his chest to the Wardens." Cayne and Leliana jumped from the brush.
"We have to go, there are too many," Leliana said.
"Warn the others," I ordered.
"It is to Cailan's chest with Maric's blade inside," said Elric as arrows flew by our heads, "Don't leave it to the darkspawn. The key is buried next to the statue of Andraste, please."
"I will do this," I promised.
"Go now," he said, "I'm a dead man, but my debt to Cailan is payed."
"I can carry you," I said.
"There they are!" A guard shouted.
"Just go," he said, "bury our king. Give him that at least." I hesitated for a moment but I let him go, leaning him against a rock so that he may die with some dignity.
I ran back to the others who were already ahead of me. We fled the lands of Bann Loren coming back to the Imperial Highway.
"What happened?" Morrigan asked. "Why did we run?"
"There were way too many," Cayne said, "we couldn't risk it."
"So what did you find?" Alistair asked.
"One of Cailan's honor guard," I said swallowing, "we have to go back."
"Back?" Cayne asked.
"To Ostagar," I said, "we can't just run from it. And we have a reason to go back." I walked over to him. "There is a key to Cailan's chest, within it is Maric's blade. That's what he told me."
"Maric?" Wynne asked.
"Cailan's father's blade is there?" Alistair asked. "We have to go back for it, we don't have any other option. We can leave that blade to the darkspawn."
"I think we should as well," Cayne said.
"Then we will," I said, "Cayne, you're the boss, are we going there straight away?"
"Yes," he said. "We're going back to Ostagar."
"You're taking Ashely, Wynne, C.J., and I, yes?" Alistair said, "Call me sentimental if you want, but I think it would be poetic."
Cayne nodded.
"We'll head to Ostagar immediately," he said, "I want to get this out of the way so it won't be trouble further."
Cayne led us on the Imperial Highway, to journey back to Ostagar.
We set camp a few miles out from Ostagar. It was dark and nowhere near safe. Cayne had told me, Ashley, Alistair, and Wynne that we were the ones that are going into Ostagar in the morning. Honestly, I wanted to go back, there was a certain sense of closure that I needed.
I sat at the fire, petting Shabon. I stared into the embers, thinking of that night at Ostagar. The fear that I had felt throughout the battle. The back of my head ached as I sensed a presence behind me. I put a hand on my dagger and spun around.
"Hey!" Ashley exclaimed. "It's only me, C.J." I swallowed and relaxed, going back to my original position while Ashley sat behind me. "Are you okay?" She asked.
"Do I seem like I am?" I asked. I didn't mean for it to sound as rude as it did.
"I could only imagine what happened to you guys after what happened," she said, "do you wanna talk about it?"
I hesitated before telling her the whole story of how we met Morrigan and Flemeth, eventually going to Lothering to meet Leliana and Sten, ending at the point that we met up again.
"I wish I had thought about it before coming back here," I said looking around, "I constantly feel the darkspawn around me. I don't even know how Alistair and Cayne can sleep right now."
"C.J.," Ashley said, "you have to get some rest before we leave tomorrow. It's dangerous for you to go when you're not well rested." She put a hand on my shoulder. "I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, C.J. But I believe that one of the tests of a Grey Warden is to overcome these things." I pondered what she said and sighed.
"You're right," I said, "I'm no use to anyone if I'm this much of a wreck in the morning." I stood up and helped Ashley to her feet. "I'll see you in the morning."
"Goodnight," she said.
"Night Ash," I replied as we parted ways. Going to rest in preparation for what awaited us in the morning.
Ostagar was just as we had left it, simply in ruins. Cayne led us while Hashael, Shabon, and I followed him closely with Alistair, Ashley, and Wynne bringing up the rear. We approached it from the west, coming through the Grey Warden camp where Tobias, Lucas, Darah, and Lucy stayed before the battle, before they were butchered like cattle by the darkspawn.
"Do you have any idea where this key is?" Alistair asked as we approached the King's camp.
"He said that it is under a statue of Andraste," I said, "I think it was this way." I started in the direction I referenced.
Darkspawn came from the shadows all around us. I stopped, looking around me. We were trapped.
"Wynne?" I said. "Can you take most of these out?" Wynne drew her staff and unleashed a storm of ice and wind, freezing most of the darkspawn that surrounded us.
I drew one of my daggers and drove one into the chest of a darkspawn to the left of me and sliced off its head. The corpse slid from my blade and onto the ground. I looked over to my right and parried the blade of a hurlock just before a bolt of ice impaled it through its abdomen. The creature spat blood on my face before falling. I heard my dog bark behind me and turned to see Shabon lunge at a hurlock in heavy armor. Just as I was about to run at the monster, a blade stuck out through its neck. The creature slumped to the ground just as Alistair withdrew his sword from the hurlock. I nodded to him and looked around to see if any more darkspawn were around but there were none.
"Look," Alistair said looking down at the hurlock general that he had slain. I then saw what he did looking at the general's boots. They were Cailan's boots that he wore during the battle. Right now, they were covered mud and gore. Cayne walked over and kneeled to remove the boots.
"What's the matter Alistair?" Wynne asked.
"It's just that," he said pausing, "these were his and these monsters have them."
"You should have them Alistair," he said holding them out to him. I watched as Alistair looked at them and hesitated to take them. He sighed and nodded.
"Thank you," he said. He quickly changed his boots since we had no room in our packs for the boots. We continued though the camp and I could see a statue of Andraste. I ran to it, climbing over rubble until I came to the rock at the base of the statue. It had to be here. There was no question. I moved the rock to the side, and the key was there. I grabbed it and held it up.
"Found it," I said, standing up and walking back over to the party. I went over to Cayne who was looking about. He felt it too, the stench and overcast in our minds, alerting us to darkspawn.
"Let's find this chest then," Alistair said solemnly, it was obvious that none of us were taking any chances on a surprise attack. We walked through the camp, looking for Cailan's tent. It was made difficult due to the fact that everything was burned to the ground. I hoped that this chest we were looking for wasn't burned along with everything else.
"I can hear them," I whispered.
"I can too," Cayne said, "they're nearby." As soon as he said that, darkspawn seemed to come from beneath our feet. I leapt to the side as a genlock emerged with its back to me. I quickly drew one of my blades and drove it through the creature. I looked over to see another genlock on the hill; an emissary, rallying more darkspawn.
"Shit," I muttered looking around us and seeing that we were surrounded. I stood up to run at the emissary when he ran away and a heavily armored hurlock and I stopped, recognizing its gloves that it wore. Those were Cailan's. Shabon growled at the darkspwan and looking over to Cayne, I could see that Hashael was doing the same.
"Watch out!" Ashley shouted as an arrow whizzed by my face from behind, grazing my face and creating a gash on my cheek. I turned to see three genlocks with bows and arrows, aimed right at us, and I knew that these would not miss. Two of these three fell when blots of ice impaled them in the abdomen and head. The third however, released its arrow right at me. I ducked to avoid it and ran at the genlock, drawing my other blade as the creature began to knock an arrow. I punched it in the face with my blade in hand, feeling both my fingers crack and the darkspawn's face breaking. It fell to the ground and I stomped its face into the ground. Blood pooled at the ground beneath the three dead darkspawn.
I turned just as the last one was cut down. I realized I was breathing hard but I didn't exactly know why. I slowed my breathing and returned to the group. Shabon came back to me and stood in front of me, wagging his small black tail. I scratched his head and he panted happily in response. It made me smile. A smile in these trying times of monsters and bloodshed at this point, was all I had wanted.
"C.J.," Ashley came up to me and touched my face. I realized that I had the gash on my face and it burned at her touch. I recoiled from the pain.
"It's fine," I said, "leave it." She looked at me concerned and I just shrugged. "You need your strength. Besides," I smiled impishly, "chicks dig scars." She laughed and that made me feel better. I chuckled a little and wiped the blood from my face. "Where did that emissary go?" I asked loudly as I walked over to Cayne.
"Over the hill," he pointed in the direction, "let's find that chest first before we go after him. The camp isn't too big, we'll find him." I nodded as I followed him to where the King's tent once stood. I saw a scorched desk and the chest, miraculously untouched by the fire and carnage around it. I took the key and kneeled in front of it. I unlocked it and opened it. There were two things inside; a sword that glowed with energy from the runs inscribed on it. I picked that up first and handed it to Cayne. He inspected it and found it very satisfactory. I went back to the chest, finding a bundle of papers. I took them and began to skim over them.
"Apparently," I said standing up with them in hand, "Cailan was attempting to forge an alliance with Orlais."
"Perhaps that would've made a difference," Alistair said solemnly. I sighed and gave the papers to Alistair to glance over. Cayne replaced one of his daggers with the sword. It was a nice blade. We continued through the camp, completely alert of what may come out of the shadows. I kept one dagger drawn and stayed beside Ashley in an effort to protect her from the oncoming danger.
"We should find Cailan and bury him," I said. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Alistair regard me kindly.
"Tell me, C.J.," Wynne said, "why do you wish to help those in a world that you do not know?" I looked at Ashley.
"Just because we don't know this world, doesn't mean that we don't want to help," Ashley said.
"Besides," I added, "as far as we know, we aren't going home any time soon, so I guess that this world is also ours at least for a while."
"That's fair," said Wynne, "but what makes you want to help? A prophecy?"
"Or a decent conscience," I said, "I don't believe in fate or anything like that. I'm doing this because it's right and because I want to make a difference. We couldn't do that in our world. Here, we can."
"Does that mean you don't believe in the Maker?" Alistair asked. I stopped when I sensed them.
"I think we can continue this conversation at another time." I said drawing my other dagger. This bunch of darkspwan were fewer in number and we dispatched them quickly, collecting the breastplate that Cailan wore and giving it to Alistair. He seemed hesitant to wear it and I found myself wondering why. We continued across the bridge and that was where we found him.
It reminded me of all those pictures of Jesus back home of him being nailed up on the cross. I had read somewhere that crucifixion was one of the most painful forms of torture. I wondered if he suffered at all.
"May the Maker take him to His side," Alistair muttered. I looked away to let them pay their respects. I looked out to the Korcari Wilds, remembering how beautiful I thought it was before all this happened.
"It isn't wise to stay here," I said, "we should come back after we clean up." I looked over at Wynne and Alistair. Alistair looked like he might have started to cry.
"You're right," he said, "let's go."
We collected Cailan's shield from another darkspawn as we descended into the valley. Alistair took that as well. I looked around at the battle field where Darah, Tobias, Lucas, and Lucy were at the time of the battle. When they were butchered like dogs by the darkspawn all because of Loghain. I fought back tears as I looked at the ground that was stained by blood of soldiers, Grey Wardens, and darkspawn alike.
"There," Cayne said and I looked up to see the genlock that we've been chasing. I drew my other blade as the emissary summoned the ghost of an ogre with two weapons sticking out of its chest. I recognized them as the weapons that Duncan had when Ashley and I met him. I swore and looked around at the darkspwan that came out of the shadows.
"I'll handle the emissary," I said, "can you cover me?"
"We'll do what we can." Wynne said. I turned one of the daggers in my hand and ran at the emissary. I dodged a few darkspawn that came at me. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Alistair and Cayne and the two war hounds fighting them. I couldn't see Wynne or Ashley, but I imagine that they were taking on the ogre. I leapt up into the air and brought my daggers down on the emissary that was attempting to cast a spell. It looked up at me with bloodlust it its fish-like eyes and choked on its own blood.
The blood ran over my hands and I couldn't help but be captivated by it. I came to that realization that this blood that ran over my hands was inside me. I couldn't tell you what happened after that. I remember that my left hand started glowing. I remember that I was in excruciating pain.
"C.J.!" I snapped back into reality. My eyes met the blue eyes of Ashley and I looked down to see my hand clutching my daggers. Blood covered every inch of the blades, hilt, hands, and extended up to my elbows. What just happened? I blinked a few times and looked around.
"Are you all right?" Alistair asked touching my left shoulder and sending searing pain down my arm.
"Ah!" I screamed and fell to the ground.
"C.J.!" Ashley took my face in her hands and made me look at her in the face. The pain subsided and I shook my head. It made me dizzy for a moment but then I found the ability to stand again.
"Are you all right?" Cayne asked.
"I-I don't know," I clutched my head. "What happened?"
"Your arm glowed and you just went berserk," Alistair said. I looked at my left arm with all the markings on it. They burned a little still, but I could handle it. I looked around at the darkspawn that laid dead all around us. the ones closest to me were unrecognizable to say the least.
"I did that?" I asked in disbelief. I looked over to see Shabon sitting beside me. I could tell that even he was concerned for me. I swallowed and shrugged away from Ashley. I shook my head at myself. "I did that." I said more definitively this time. I swallowed. "We should get back," I turned to them. I tried not to pay attention, but I could see Wynne's gaze on me, it felt so disapproving. "We need to bury Cailan."
"We burn our dead," Alistair corrected, "but I agree with you. We should go back."
I stayed behind them, walking alone with only Shabon by my side. What the hell happened? I felt angry. Angrier than I've ever been. I was angry at myself that I would ever lose myself like that. I resisted the urge to run a bloody hand through my hair; my normal way of coping when I did something completely stupid. I felt like I needed about five showers. Showers, however, haven't been invented yet.
I let them converse with themselves what they should do with Cailan's body and they ultimately decided to lay him to rest. I just couldn't bring myself to care about what we did with the king to be honest. My mind was just so preoccupied even as we went back to camp.
When we arrived at camp, we were greeted by Leliana and Morrigan wondering what happened. My blood-soaked arms and face immediately caught the attention of the entire camp.
"Are you all right, C.J.?" Leliana asked me.
"I'm fine," I said brushing her off as I walked past everyone to head to the nearby stream that was far enough so that I didn't have to actually look at anybody and so I can brood on my own.
Did I ever mention that I never really grew out of my super emotional high school phase? I was nineteen years old and I still couldn't grow up enough to not go somewhere and really, really need a cigarette.
I sat at the edge of the stream and started to clean my armor, taking it off one part at a time staring with the gloves. The blood ran down the stream, tainting it. Yet I knew that it would cleanse itself because that's what nature does. That's what science tells us.
As I cleaned up, I thought about what that last part even meant. Science could explain almost everything. That's why I was an atheist. But now, I'm in a world full of magic and demons and things that go bump in the night and at first it seemed so great. Now, I really needed to be somewhere where things made sense. Science can't explain why magical energy comes out of certain people. Why Ashley can control magic now and not back home. Or why I can't. None of it made sense and I really needed something that had some iota of scientific reasoning and here there was hardly any and I-.
"C.J.?" I stopped cleaning my armor and turned around to see Cayne standing there. "Mind if I join you?"
"Sure," I said, "go ahead." I turned back to what I was doing as Cayne walked up to the stream and sat next to me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. "I know that you're troubled by what happened."
"That's the thing," I said, "I don't know what happened. Not exactly." I looked at the markings on my hand. "You know, I thought that this whole Grey Warden thing was going to make me want to be a better person and grow. But how can I do that when I can lose control so easily?"
"The fact you lost control for a moment," Cayne said, "doesn't make you a bad person, C.J. You had no idea what would've happened. That's how you learn." I thought about that.
"You're right about that," I said. "I guess I'm just more afraid of hurting one of you. Like if it happens again, what am I supposed to do? I don't know."
"We can take care of ourselves, C.J." He said. "If that happens then we can handle it. You just have to trust us." I sighed.
"I have no idea what I would do with myself if I hurt Ashley," I said.
"Are you two close?" He asked. I laughed.
"We used to be closer," I said, "back in high school. We dated for a year and a half and we broke up after I left for college."
"None of that made any sense," he said.
"We were really close," I said, "And we were together for a year an a half and then I left." I sighed. "She knows me better than almost anyone really."
"Do you miss home?" He asked. "I've never really asked about what it was like in your world."
"Well for one," I said holding up my glove, "we don't have armor like this. Or really any. We have so much technology. No elves or mages. Buildings taller than these trees, carriages that run on their own, machinery that plows hundreds of acres in hours. No darkspawn, that's a plus." We laughed. "Don't get me wrong, there a lot of shit wrong with it. You know how elves are typically looked down upon by humans?" He nodded. "Well there was a time when people were looked down upon because they had a darker skin tone."
"What?"
"Yeah!" I said. "There used to be laws called Jim Crow laws, and it was the kind of shit like white people and colored people had to walk in different doors of a store." I sighed. "You know, coming here has made me realize that there are more important things than the color of someone's skin or whether or not we should blow up this country because we don't like them. Our problems seem so," I tried to find the right word, "small compared to this. The fate of the fucking world is at stake and the people at home are worried whether or not people who like the same gender as they are should get married. It seems like nonsense to me now."
"What if an elf were to be there?" He asked.
"They'd capture you and cut you open to see how you work." I said bluntly. It was true. He had this look on his face of utter horror and I laughed. "It's true," I said, "that's how they learn about stuff they don't understand. They study you. Honestly, roaming the countryside is a better fate than that." He nodded in agreement. "Thanks, Cayne. For talking it out with me."
"Anytime," he said, "you're a good person C.J. and a good friend." I smiled and finished cleaning my armor.
"When are we heading out?" I asked.
"I figured that we would pick up and move somewhere safer before settling for the night."
"Good idea," I said, "I'll go help with whatever is needed." I put my armor back on and went back to camp. I went straight to my tent, which was one of two still standing. I began to pack up my part of camp so we could head out of this place as soon as possible.
A.N./ Definitely the longest chapter so far. I hope you guys are enjoying it and if you are please follow and favorite it and leave a review, it helps me out a lot.