Lilly's Memoir
Chapter 10— The Pros and Cons of Temptation
The next few weeks of attempting to get back on our feet proved difficult to get by. Each day I would find Mother weeping in Rose's bedroom, always with an article of her belongings clutched in her hands. Returning to school and choir practice was a burden. Everyone seemed to harass Kyle and me about our experiences, as though the memories weren't still fresh in our minds. I must have relayed the story a hundred times, having to lie about Rose's death each time, only making the lie more of a burden than it already was. The only people who knew the truth about Rose were those who I knew would keep the secret a secret, my closest friends, Anna-Belle, Charlotte, Clarisse, and Hannah, and Kyle's friends, Michael, Jonathan, and Geoffrey.
It became obvious to those who knew me that I had lost that spark which drew people to me, and my new found maturity was reflected in my solemn expressions, and lack of youthful energy. I no longer disturbed my teachers by singing in class, I was no longer staying at school an extra hour to serve detention, and I was no longer as passionate in choir practice. My friends were often worried about me, but I always brushed off the topic. Singing had become a release of negative energy, a route I could take to escape my memories and the pain, rather than a past-time, and even I was beginning to worry about myself and hoped that with time my memories, fears, and nightmares would disappear and the real Lilly DeWitt Bukator would return to my body, because she seemed to have remained behind with the souls of the Titanic victims.
News soon began to come in about the retrieved bodies from the sinking and everyday Mother, Cal and I scanned the newspapers for the names of those found. Of course they were searching for Rose, but I was searching for Jack, Fabrizio, Mr. Andrews, Trudy, Mr. Murdoch, Tommy, and most of all, Mr. Carpenter. It came as a shock to me when I saw John Jacob Astor's name of the list of bodies, and I was brought to tears. Sadly, no body was recovered for anyone I was looking for, except Mr. Carpenter who was thankfully discovered on April 25th. I immediately had myself driven to the Carpenter's residence once I had found out the news, to find Mrs. Carpenter bawling in both happiness and sadness, into the arms of her neighbour. There were many a person congregated at their home, neighbours, friends and family, but I found Kyle locked in his bedroom, away from everyone else.
"Kyle, it's Lilly. My I come in?" I asked as I tapping lightly on the door. There was silence on the other end, so I thought he was ignoring me, and was turning to leave when he finally decided to opened the door for me. His face was tear stained and puffy, and he refused to look at me in the face; his glance remained either on the ground or anywhere else, once I wasn't seeing that he was crying, but I knew better. As I entered I saw recent pictures and newspaper clippings spread out over his bed, which hadn't yet been fixed. Kyle didn't even greet me with the usual hug and kiss, but instead he just locked the door behind me and returned to a curled sitting position on his bed, and stared out the window, pouting.
At first I was unsure of how to approach him. I had never seen him like this before. I supposed the reality of his father's death was only now beginning to sink in, and I could only imagine what it must have been like to loose your father in such a tragic way. I inched my way over to his bed and shifted some of the photos aside and curled up next to him, laying my head on his shoulder, but he didn't react.
"You know Kyle, you should be happy that they at least found you father. There are so many whose family members were simply lost, or not identified. You should be happy that at least you can have a funeral and lay him to rest in the fashion he deserves."
"Oh god, not again!" he exclaimed pushing me off of him and off the bed. I glared back at him in amazement. "If you've come here to lecture me about how I should feel about this then I suggest you leave."
"I haven't come to lecture you about how you should feel! I know how you feel, damn it, I lost my father as well. How dare you push me away when I'm trying to comfort you!"
"You aren't helping me right now. No one is. Why does everyone have to be here now? Can't anyone see what my mother and I are going through right now?"
"Can't you see that these people do understand what you are going through and are simply doing whatever they can to help you through it? You can't lock yourself away in your bedroom as though the entire world is against you. I understand you are upset and the reality of the situation is only now beginning to defog, but you can't shut everyone out, Kyle. I'm here to help you though this and I don't appreciate you pushing me away. I'm your girlfriend for Christ's sake! I didn't come here to argue with you!" I could see the fury and anguish in his eyes. This was the first time he had ever had such an outburst in my presence, and though I didn't show it, it frightened me. This wasn't at all like him. Tears began to well up in his eyes and soon he fell to the floor weeping uncontrollably, and before I knew I was crouched on the floor by his side with my arms around him.
Clinging to me the way a baby clings to its mother, I hushed him until he was just sobbing against my shoulder. Speaking calmly to him, I reasoned with him the best ways to go about his sorrow, explaining that his father would have wanted him to be strong, and reminding him that his father gave up his life in order to save his son, until he finally gave in to my words and apologized for reacting so selfishly towards me.
I kept him cradled in against my bosom for a few moments while singing to him quietly, soon feeling his fingers gliding up and down my back. His face was buried into my neck, and I could feel his warm breath against me, send chills of pleasure down by spine. This was the beginning of one of the most intimate moments we'd ever had up to that point, and my heart began to race in anxiety. I could feel the same vibe being radiated off of him. He whispered, "I love you so much," into my ear, before gently kissing me down my neck. I replied the same in a hushed tone. I never knew how this felt. It was my first time ever being so physical with Kyle. We'd only ever kissed, but never had he touched me or kissed me anywhere besides my lips, and even though I was feeling nervous, I didn't want him to stop. Every so often his tongue would slither along my neck, giving me chills and causing me to gasp. Ever kiss, ever lick and ever warm breath made my head feel lighter and lighter.
Eventually he moved up to my lips, kissing me most passionately, and instantly my arms found themselves wrapped around his neck. His hands were travelling little by little all over my virgin body. With ever touch I should have been more eager for him to stop, but the temptation was killing me, so I couldn't. I didn't want to stop him. He soon drifted back to my neck and I ran my fingers through his hair. I'd never felt so much pleasure in my life; the adrenaline was running through my veins, my heart was racing, and I was beginning to feel warm. Kyle's right hand, which was sitting on my left shoulder, slid down to my breast, cupping it for a moment then slipped further to my leg, under my skirt, and tenderly slid up my thigh. My hands glided down his chest, and I could feel his well crafted structure beneath my finger tips, only making the experience more pleasurable. Upon reaching his belt buckle, I yanked his shirt out of his pants, exploring and examining his chest even more closely. Was this how it was supposed to feel? Why had I never attempted to experience this before?
Kyle's other hand proceeded to unbutton my shirt, revealing my cleavage, which was accentuated by my corset. His lips lingered down, past my collarbone, planting kisses on my bosom, which was supposed to be forbidden until marriage. Though my heart pounded faster than I could breathe, I found my own hands drifting back to him belt buckle, but just as I was undoing it, there was a sudden, loud rap on Kyle bedroom door. Both of us broke apart in a flash and my face went white as I heard Cal and Kyle's manservant's voices behind the door.
"Miss Lilly! Miss Lilly, Mr. Hockley has come to retrieve you," called his manservant while he knocked. Kyle and I scrambled to make ourselves look presentable, though I was quite sure that at least Cal would figure it out.
"I'll be right out!" I called back as I buttoned my shirt once more and attempted to help Kyle tuck back in his shirt. I heard Cal telling the servant that he would take it from there, making it clear to me that Cal had figured us out. Quickly, I scurried to the door and opened it, trying my best to look innocent. Cal looked us up and down very suspiciously, and upon seeing Kyle's untidily tuck shirt, his eyebrow raised.
"Well, well, well. I suppose I came just in time," said Cal knowingly.
"Just in time for what?" I asked trying my best to act as though noting happened.
"Well, I was hoping that you would tell me. I think the picture is quite clear, considering Mr. Carpenter here looks a mess, and your shirt is buttoned wrongly." My eyes widened in embarrassment as I looked down. Surely, I had buttoned it in the wrong loops in my rush, and quickly turned to fix it. "You're coming with me," he added, grabbing my upper arm and dragging me along.
"Wait!" I said, pulling away rushing back to Kyle to kiss him, but before I could even give him a proper kiss, Cal pulled me back to him in anger. I looked back at Kyle nervously and told him that I'd see him in the morning. Cal allowed me to bid Mrs. Carpenter goodbye before steering me to the automobile.
Once we were settled in the car, I could feel Cal glaring at me furiously. I knew that he knew, but I didn't want to act as though anything really happened.
"Well you seem to have done a fine job of cheering him up."
"Well, I sure hope so," I replied, continuing my innocent charade, though I knew it wouldn't work.
"This is not a joke Lilly. What do you think you were doing locked alone in his room?"
"Kyle was upset and didn't want to be around anybody, so I went up to him. I almost thought he wasn't going to let me in, but when he did he shut the door behind him and locked it. Cal, nothing happened, I swear."
"Oh, of course not! That's why you were scrambling when you heard me bang at the door. That's why Kyle's shirt was so poorly tucked in and that's why your shirt wasn't buttoned correctly, and that's why you have a rather large red mark on your neck!" I gasped in horror and reached for the side of my neck that Kyle had been kissing. "Lord knows, had I not come, how far you would have gone. You are taking this relationship way out of line, and you know how your mother is going to react to this news."
"You won't tell my mother anything, Cal!" I ordered heatedly, terror washing over me. "And as I said, nothing much happened, Cal."
"I wouldn't put too much confidence into that idea. From the sound of it, and from the look of it, you two seemed to be quite enjoying yourselves. And if you claim that nothing happened you wouldn't be showing me any fear."
"I'm not showing you fear! Nothing much happened! Okay, I admit, we got sort of carried away, but I swear nothing happened."
"I don't exactly consider the fact that your shirt was open for his viewing pleasure to be nothing much. Who knows where else his hands were! This is unacceptable and inexcusable, Lilly. You should be taking more responsibility for your actions and behaviour. I don't know how you are planning on hiding that horrendous mark from your mother or from the rest of society for that matter. The only people who are seen with marks like that are whores, and I doubt you'd want to be labelled as one."
"I can cover it up with makeup or something. Just don't tell my mother, Cal, please. If she knew she would keep me away from him for life. This honestly wasn't the intention of my visit, it just happened."
"And exactly what part of that is my problem, Lilly? You should have stopped it before it could even start."
Tears came to my eyes as I realized I had to fend for myself in this situation, and I just shook my head in disbelief and looked out the window. "You're acting as though you never had someone before. And I'm positive none of them were married. Don't act as though you've never been tempted, or had these feelings before. No one ever warned me about what I should expect to feel. What was I supposed to do?"
"Don't try to make me feel pity, Lilly. I refuse to feel any sympathy. No one may have taught you what to expect, but you are old enough to have enough common sense to recognize it. As a young lady you should be taking more responsibility for your honour. As men, our situations are much different."
"How are they different? You lost your virginity before marriage!"
"I am a man! You are a young woman! Not only that, but you are high class, not some filth from the gutter! Now, I will not argue with you anymore Lilly. I'm not going to warn you again. I won't say anything to your mother, but don't expect me to bail you out if she does see it. Do I make myself clear?" I scowled as the tears ran down my cheeks, and looked back out the window.
"Bastard." I said, shaking my head. I could tell that he clearly didn't like my comment, but he didn't reply.
The trip home was silent after that, though every few minutes I could be heard sniffing. I wanted to be anywhere but home the moment I saw my house rising in the distance, and as we pulled up before the entrance I released an anxious sigh.
Cal helped me out of the car, despite my resistance, and proceeded to wipe the tears from my face with his thumb.
"Fix your face. You're only going to make things obvious if you walk in looking in a state," he said, fixing my hair, which had been dishevelled since Kyle and I had been alone. Cal was still tense, but was once again very gentle with me, and staring at me intently, as he ran his fingers slowly through my loose curls. He quickly realized that he was making me uncomfortable and backed away, almost as though he had come back to his senses, and led the way through the open front door. The entire time I kept my hand covering my neck, coming up with a quick lie in my head.
But to my luck, the Hockley family had come to visit while I had been out, and that included Jeremy. Apparently they were planning and preparing for a memorial service for Rose, consider her body was obviously not found, and surprisingly, Mother was not crying, although it was observable how much she was holding back the tears.
"Oh, good evening Lilly. We thought you might want to be involved in the planning of the memorial service. After all, it seems only fair that you have a say," said Mrs. Hockley pleasantly, quickly noticing my unhappy face, and the hand which was covering my neck. "Oh my dear, what has happened?"
"Oh no, I'm fine really. I just came from visiting my friend who lost his father on the Titanic as well. The body was found, so I just went to pay my respects, so I'm feeling a bit down, that's all."
"Well then, what happened to your neck that has you holding it so tightly?" asked Jeremy already a little suspicious, which wasn't a good sign.
"I strained it in the car on the way home. It's just feeling painfully stiff, but I'm fine." I replied, trying to sound as honest as possible.
"Oh, well, I'm studying to be a doctor, I'm sure I could help you with that. Let me see it," he said, making his way over, and fought with me to move my hand, but I kept pulling away telling him to stop and that I could handle it quite well on my own, but finally he managed to pull my hand away, revealing exactly what I didn't want revealed.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" he announced, beginning to enjoy his success in bringing me down very much. "I've never seen a strain that could cause a mark like that to appear on someone's body. It looks more like someone was doing more than just cheering up her friend. Or is he really just a friend?" he said, exposing the truth so easily, and walked away chuckling proudly with his chin. Everyone in the dining room gasped in amazement and shock when I didn't deny it. Tears began to well up in my eyes, but I held my composure as best I could. I didn't want my shame to be obvious. I didn't want them to know that for once in my life I regretted doing something, so I simply stood motionless and said nothing. I could see the infuriation on my mother's face, which was exactly what I wanted to avoid, and it officially became clear to me that Jeremy would be the one to ruin my life.
"Lilly, I expect to have a word with you after our guests leave. But for now, I want you to go to your room and—"
"Stay there until you say otherwise…I know. I was going there anyway." I said in an arrogant and angry tone, and turned to leave the room. "Thank you Jeremy," I said in a sarcastic tone as I glared after him, not even bothering to glance at Cal. As I made my way up the spiral staircase, I could hear Cal's parents asking Cal if he knew about what I'd done that day. He didn't deny that he knew, but he also didn't deny that he would not come to my rescue if the truth came out.
As I lay on my bed crying, I realized that this moment was the beginning of a lifetime of misery. Mother would officially by trying to arrange a marriage with some unworthy, wealthy man, or sending me away to university in some far away state or perhaps even another country. From now on, my every move was likely to be monitored. I wouldn't be able to breathe without having someone else breathing down my back.
I eventually fell into a dreamless, yet restless sleep in my misery, and it felt like hours before Mother came knocking on my door. I was still clothed in my day outfit, which under normal circumstances my mother would consider unacceptable, but when she came in she didn't seem to care; she got straight down to business, with Cal right by her side.
"Get up!" she ordered. The rage she was feeling shone through her eye, and it was a wonder why she hadn't turned purple. I slowly rose to a sitting position, keeping my eyes firmly on her, glaring, conveying as little fear as I could manage. But my sitting position obviously didn't please her; she wanted me to stand up, for she stalked over to my bed, taking my by the arm and yanking me off the bed into a standing position.
"I said get up! You aught to be ashamed of yourself; you rotten little girl! What were you thinking to be caught alone with that boy? Not even alone with him…locked in his bedroom, alone with him. Do you recognize the consequences of your actions? What man is going to have any respect for you after they find this out? What man is going to want you?"
"What makes you think I care about what other men think about me? I don't want another man!" I yelled back.
"He is not worthy, Lilly! If he had any decency at all, if his worthless parents had taught him any better, perhaps he wouldn't have taken advantage of you. And you stupidly give in. What in God's name was going through that head of yours!"
"First of all, don't ever refer to him or his family as worthless. I will not stand for it. That family has only been kind to us from day one, and all you can do is criticize them because they have less money than your precious Caledon Hockley! If there is anyone who isn't worthy among the pair of us, it is me. What do we have Mother? What did Father leave for us that makes us so high class? We have nothing! The only reason we haven't reduced ourselves to living in the gutter is because you forced your beloved Rose on Cal, forgetting to think about what she really wanted. All of this is about you! Why do you think she ran off with Jack, Mother? You're a spiteful, selfish and hypocritical bitch!"
Mother looked at me in horror, then turned back to look at Cal, who lean against the door frame with his arms crossed, as though he'd heard nothing out of the ordinary. Of course, Mother didn't know that Cal had been aware of our situation ever since and immediately shot back at me. "How dare you say that? We are not penniless vermin like that boy Rose decided to die for!"
"We are penniless Mother. Don't' try to hide it. Cal knew all along that Father left us nothing. He's known the entire time. Not only that, but Rose chose to escape her misery, and she found her escape root through Jack."
"He led her to her death!"
"She chose her fate, Mother! Can't you see? If you hadn't forced her to marry a Hockley, then perhaps she'd still be alive today. Perhaps she wouldn't have run off with Jack, and lost her virginity to him."
"She what!"
"Yes Mother, she lost it to a poor man. She fell in love with Jack quickly. She knew she loved him. Don't act like you didn't know. That's exactly why you wanted them apart. And now you're trying to do the same to me, but it's not going to happen Mother. I love him, and he loves me back, and there's nothing you can do about it."
"Oh, so you believe that just because a handsome fellow, with a sweet personality tells you that he loves you, he really means it. Don't be so naïve, Lilly. He's not worth as much as we are, so he is taking in as much as he can get from you. He's taking advantage of you, because he realizes how unbelievable stupid you are, and using you for his own pleasure. All men his age are like that. They'll take you, and use you until you're washed out like an old rag. Kyle Carpenter is no better than that rodent who took my daughter's life!"
"I'm not naïve Mother! And if there's anyone here who is stupid, it's you! Kyle and I have been together for years. I trust him more than any other person in this world. The other two people in this world who I've ever put my faith in are dead thanks to you. Father drank himself to death because he couldn't you were frustrating, and Rose ran away straight to her death. Good job Mother! If there is any mother who treats me like a daughter, it's Kyle mother. She's always pleasant, always courteous, and brought up her son with the same values, and all you can do is speak badly of her."
Mother was infuriated by my words, and slapped me with a force unlike any other, knocking me back. "I'm not like a Mother to you? I have done nothing but been the best possible Mother I could have been, giving you everything, and looking out for your best interests, and this is how you repay me? You are the most ungrateful girl I've ever seen. I don't know where I went wrong in raising you. I am sacrificing so much for the survival of our family, and I will not have you deflower yourself before marriage. I refuse to be known as the woman with the sluts for daughters. I will not have you make the same mistakes as Rose. You'll only end up dead, just like her!"
"Don't try to pin your mistakes on us Mother! Stupidity is passed down from parent to child. If I'm so stupid, I must have gotten it from you. Not because you were naïve and made bad choices, means that the rest of us will too! I don't care what you say! I love Kyle and he and I will marry as planned when we reach the age of 20. You can't stop me!"
"What do you mean marry at age 20?"
"The night of the sinking we promised each other, and both of us intend on keeping it."
"You will do no such thing. You hear me? This is not a joke Lilly. If you don't watch your step I will not hesitate to send you away. I will not have you ruin your own life by marrying someone who doesn't even love you. I don't want you around that boy again Lilly, and I mean it."
"He does love me, you foolish toad! Not because your husband didn't love you means that every other man can't love your daughters. You can't stop me from being around him, and you can't stop us from loving each other, no matter what you do." Mother glared at me, unable to continue the argument, knowing that with everything she said I would simply shoot back. She threw her hands up in the air in frustration, and turned to storm out the room, announcing her livid thoughts for everyone to hear. I could hear her arguing as she stalked down the hall, yelling back to Cal to do something about me, to straighten me out.
Once Mother was downstairs Cal stood up straight in the doorway, now with his hands on his hips, staring at me. I could see him trying to search for words in his mind to tell me, reminding me of the night of the sinking, just before he slapped Rose. He did look quite angered by my actions, but I had no chain linking me to him, and therefore he could do nothing about it.
"So, what more do you have to tell me?" I ordered in annoyance. "I'm sure you're disappointed in me as well. I wouldn't be surprised if you are. Who isn't?"
"Yes I am disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that, Lilly."
"I'm no better than anyone else Cal. You know that and I know that. Mother just loves to think of herself and her own image. This has nothing to do with me. She simply doesn't want to be embarrassed. It's her image that is so important to her. She can't handle the ill gossip about her."
Cal closed the door behind him so as not to draw any more attention our passing servants, and proceeded to continue. "I know that your mother is concerned about her own image Lilly, but at the same time, this is affecting your image even more. You are allowing your emotions to take control of your actions. You must take responsibility for yourself, Lilly."
"Yes, Cal, I know. I'm sorry, alright. I got carried away, I realize that. But everyone falls into temptation sometimes." I said, trying to reason with Cal, but he seemed to take no notice.
"No Lilly, you are allowing that boy to influence you, and it has to stop. You are merely sixteen years old; it's unacceptable that you even spend all your time with any boy, let alone, be locked in his room. He is influencing you and fooling you into believing that he cares about you. And look at what he's done. He used his father's death and his sorrow to seduce you."
"Oh, for goodness sake! You're just like Mother. The only reason you don't like him is because he is worth less than you. Everything is about money to you people. I'm not changing my grounds Cal. I love Kyle and neither you nor Mother are going to change that."
"You do not love him, Lilly, and I will not allow you to get yourself tangled up with the wrong people. When I said that I wouldn't let anything happen to you the night Titanic sank, I meant it. I didn't only mean that night, and I most certainly will not allow some worthless boy to take my pride!"
"Your pride? What do you mean by your pride? Who do you think I am, Rose?" Cal seemed shocked that he had even said it. What could he possibly have meant?
"By pride," he paused, "I mean that I that you mean a lot to me, like my family, like my friends. I won't allow him to take and abuse someone who I hold close to me, and who he doesn't deserve."
"Bullshit! You can't decide who deserves me, you bastard. I can decided that for myself, thank you very much. Don't think you can try and put claim on me, Cal. I'm not yours, and never will be. Now I think it's about time you leave me alone. I've had enough of this. I've had enough of both you and Mother!"
"Lilly, I haven't finished—"
"I don't care if you haven't finished criticizing me, my friends and my decisions. Just get out of my room!"
"I will not have you speaking to me like that, Lilly, I'm trying to advise you, and set you in the right direction. Why don't you just take our advice and—"
"I don't' need to take your advice. I don't want it! Now, will get out my bloody room!" I exclaimed, rushing to the door to open it, and signalled Cal out. He stood there for a moment watching me, wondering whether he should leave, glaring at me. But I think my glare and my clenched fists convinced him that I was no mood for his talk, so he sighed and made his way slowly past me. As we were directly facing each other in the doorway, he stopped, and looked down on me with a serious expression on his face.
"What?"
"I wish you would consider my words, Lilly. I don't want to see you getting hurt. I will not stand for it at all. I'm trying to look out for you, not trying to put claim on you. Either way, I am here if you need someone to talk to."
"I'm quite sure I can fend for myself, thank you. I don't think your help will be necessary Cal. Please, just go." He hesitated at first, raising his hand to stroke my cheek, but when I pulled away, he gave me a slight nod and continued past me, down the hall and down the stairs. As he disappeared down the steps, I shut my door behind me, and slid to the floor crying.
Why was it that everything I did was wrong to everyone else? Why was it that my Mother could never be proud of me, could never approve my friends? She hated me for not being just like her. I could never be her mirror image, I could never follow in her footsteps, I refused to find myself in a miserable marriage the way she did. I knew Cal was trying to protect me from getting hurt, but at the same time, he, like Mother, hated Kyle with every fibre in his body. From now on, he and Mother would have our servants, chauffeurs and anyone else who knew me, spying on me with magnifying glasses, dissecting my every word, analyzing everything in my body language.
But in the end, what did it matter? Kyle and I were in love. Either way, I would have still given myself to him at some point. We would have someday been married and conceived a child, so why did it matter what they thought, or what anyone thought, for that matter? Kyle made the world make sense to me. He put in place the final piece of the puzzle called life; he gave me a reason to live in a deteriorating world. So why should I have let that go just to satisfy someone else? That, I refused to do.
Sorry this took another month to add. I started working on February 11th, and was constantly busy, so I wrote this chapter little by little, until i was finally satisfied. I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are always appreciated, oh, and I appologize for any typos