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Chapter 10 - I dont know if i can save you.

Opening my eyes, I saw nothing. The room was in complete darkness and as I searched through what little light I could use from the moon shining in my window I was completely aware that there was no one here. I sat up pushing myself up by my elbows, completely distracted by the thought that no one was here. I wasn't use to that. The last time Edward had refused to leave my side even for a moment let alone a few minutes. Where was he? And that was when I heard them arguing downstairs. I sat up as quietly as possible and tried to keep my breathing as regular as I could. If Edward or any of the others heard me, they would know I was awake and I wouldn't get the answers I so desperately needed.

"But she's… she's so young. It cant be" the shaky voice was arguing with the others.

"Edward, we don't know but you have to admit it fit's the symptoms. We wont know till we get the tests done." Carlisle's calm manner always left me in awe. How did he stay so calm when I could only imagine how Edwards expression was betraying him.

"Oh and the fact that she has some kind of lock on her brain means nothing?" I had never heard Edward be sarcastic to Carlisle before.

I moved just a little but the bed creaked beneath me "crap" I whispered expecting someone to come running through the door at any second but there was nothing. They were too involved in the argument downstairs to notice me up here. I crawled out of the bed and slowly opened the door as I continued to listen.

"Edward I'm not saying that isn't something to be considered but you have two medical degree's… don't make me the bad guy for thinking this" Carlisle voice went low at the end.

"If she is, do we change her now?" Esme's soft voice chimed in. Wait, change me now? What were they thinking?

"I say we do it now, lets not wait for the results" Emmetts loud voice rang over the others.

"It's not that simple you fool" Rosalie was impossible to confuse with anyone else especially when she was angry… and she was angry now. "We cant just turn her right now, what are we meant to say when she wakes up. Sorry Bella we didn't actually give you the chance but we were all convinced you were dying so deal with it" they think I'm dying?

"Rosalie is right. We need to wake her up and give her the choice." Carlisle spoke now capturing everyone's attention.

"I cant lose her Carlisle, but I cant do this. Not when there is something forcing her to join me. If she chooses it when there's nothing making her then its her choice but I will not do it now." Edward was getting lost in his own statement, I could imagine exactly what he was thinking. He was taking what he wanted, what he didn't want and what he thought was right and was trying to mix them. But I had a say in this. It was my life.

"If we wait and she dies… then what?" Jasper spoke for the first time in the conversation. I had been under the impression he wasn't even down there, he had been so quiet and Edwards emotions were definitely not in check.

"I don't … know"

"So she dies, your going to run off to Italy again? Or do something else just as stupid?"

"this isn't about me" Edward growled back.

"Yes it is. You have the chance to save her, you know she is ill and all you care about is what you think is right. She's already made her choice. She has agreed to marry you and she had told you that she wants you to change her. What is the problem?" Jasper was growling back at him so fast it took me all I could do to understand what he was saying.

"Its not that simple…"

"Well make it that simple" Emmett threw at him.

"You don't understand" Edwards voice was nothing more than a low huff now.

"Understand what?" Emmett's irritation with Edward flared.

"It's not that simple anymore. I had to practically beg her not to leave me yesterday, she's put off the wedding, she wont even give me a hint as to what she wants anymore" he was speaking fast as he ran off our private details to his family who I could hear were gasping with shock. "I don't think she wants to join me anymore, I don't think she… I'm … I don't" he took a deep breath to steady himself "I don't think she wants to be with me anymore." Another round of gasps flooded the room.

"Why would you think that?" Esme's caring manner seemed shocked by this latest development "Is it about that Jacob boy again?"

"No, Jacob has nothing to do with this, at least I don't think he does. She told me that if Phil doesn't get better … she tried to end things with us yesterday telling me that she didn't want me wasting away inside a house here" he sighed

"But its not like it would be forever, just a few weeks" Carlisle sounded so confused by the whole situation.

"No, not a few weeks. If Phil doesn't get better then she wont be coming back to Forks at all." he spoke so quietly as if he didn't even want to think of that possibility. "if I changed her now it wouldn't be her choice."

"Edward I'm so sorry, why didn't you say something sooner? But does she really think that's all it would take for you to leave her?"

"I don't know. All I know is that she seemed keen to get me gone, even before we left the plane" he had gotten the wrong side of it all, he had thought there was a secret agenda behind my request. I couldn't just stand here and listen to this, no wonder he had been so strange with me.

I stood at the top of the stairs looking down at them all in the living room. Just like the Cullen's house the whole room was a pale cream, there was no furniture yet and so they all stood around in a circle. Alice sat on the bottom step and yet even she didn't realise I was here. My irritation was flaring now. Did he really think so little of me and our relationship? Like I could just move on and never look back? "How can you think that?" I felt the tears behind the barriers fighting to break through and I couldn't control them long enough to get away without him seeing. As they all turned to look up at me and I looked back at him, our eyes met and the waterworks flooded as I saw his broken expression.

"Your awake? How long have you been listening?" he whispered shocked.

"You didn't answer my question!" was all I replied as he started moving slowly towards the stairs. Alice got up and danced across the room away from me and Edward. As he hit the bottom step, I turned on Carlisle. "And you… you think I'm dying? isn't that something you should be discussing with me?"

"Of course I intended to when you woke up, we don't know anything yet Bella its just a theory" he tried to cover his actions and I could see that he wasn't lying. My irritation was flaring so much that I knew I was causing my mind too much stress which was only confirmed when I started feeling the pain in the back of my head again accompanied this time by dizziness.

"Oh crap!" I spoke aloud and they all instantly looked confused.

"Bella we don't know…" Carlisle began before I cut him off with one hand in the air telling him to stop.

"No not that, its my damn head" I felt myself going but luckily Edward had caught on by my comment and managed to catch me before I could fall down the stairs.

The sun was up again when my eyes shifted open to find Edward staring at me with a wide grin. "Hello to you too, what is it?" I knew my mood was off but I couldn't help but be in a bad mood, my whole world was falling down around me and the one person I needed doubted me. I just couldn't find a reason to be happy anymore.

"Its Phil" my heart dropped but then realisation hit. Edward was happy and it was about Phil. Phil was going to be fine. "He woke up about three hours ago, the doctors said he was going to make a full recovery. He should be out in no time" for the first time in what seemed like years I felt a real smile touching my lips. He was going to be fine, Renee was going to be fine, I could be with Edward now.

"Edward, we need to talk. What you think…" he cut me off.

"Shhh my Bella. Just relax. Lets get you better and then we can discuss whatever you want" he smiled down at me but it was a real smile, it didn't touch his eyes, there was no crookedness at all. It was all just one big façade.

"Don't do that to me Edward" he pulled his head back as he took in my tone. "Don't try to play me with your calm façade, what's really going on with me?" his smile instantly disappeared and the pain shot across his face, he looked so intense I was sure my heart was going to explode from the pain it left me in. "that bad huh?" I let out a small laugh trying desperately to release him from his fear.

"We don't know anything yet, Carlisle ran some tests and we're waiting on the results" his voice broke on the last word.

"theory?"

He looked down now as he took my hand and started playing with each finger. It took him a moment before he began speaking. "there's two." he began without looking at my face. This was going to bad and the last thing I wanted was to see him in this pain and so I started chanting to myself that no matter what he said I would make a joke about it and blow it off like it didn't matter.

"The first one is the better of the two. Its something to do with your block. Maybe your body cant handle it anymore, maybe you've tried to keep up with the supernatural for too long as they say" his voice sounded so empty as he spoke, like he had no hope left at all.

"and the other" I gulped as he looked up into my eyes. If he could cry I was positive he would have been. The fear and doubt consumed his eyes, the dark circles didn't look like his normal hunger lines, he looked tired and broken. For the first time he looked truly human, a sick and dying human. I laughed at my own thoughts, as I wondered if that's what I looked like. He met my laugh with a strange caution. I shook my head at him but he continued to watch me. "I'm not going insane. Its just that you look… so serious" I tried to cover my tracks "Calm down Edward whatever it is we will fix it… it will be fine" he didn't look so sure.

"How are you doing that? How are you not worried?" he huffed out, sadness filling each word.

"Of course I'm worried. But I'm with you" he twisted his head to the side and looked out the window. "What is it Edward?" but he said nothing. I sat there for awhile watching him, his expression changing every few seconds as he thought of things. "Edward please… your driving me insane here" I used his own words against him and he snapped his face to mine, capturing my eyes.

"I… I don't know if I can save you" he finally said tripping over his words.

"Edward, what is theory two?" now I was truly scared. What could be so bad that he wouldn't be able to save me from, that the change wouldn't heal.

"Carlisle theorises that… your symptoms" he was trying to speak without feeling, a doctor to a patient, a teacher to a student. "You see, you've got many symptoms that match that of…" but he couldn't say it. I sat up and placed one hand on his cheek as he looked down. The sadness returning to his face.

"Edward just say it" he didn't look up.

"A tumour in your brain" there was silence. "it could be the reason I cant enter your head, why no one can. Something it was hitting or releasing blocking us. Its size can change and it can be brought on by too much stress. Going by your symptoms he thinks it will be…" he stopped. I was frozen, a habit I had picked up from Edward. I was dying, but the change could heal that, I suddenly felt a sharp pang of relief. The change could heal me, what was he so worried about?

"ok… and why wouldn't you be able to save me from that?" I watched as his eyes flew up to meet mine again.

"These things aren't always treatable" he spoke as if pointing out the obvious.

"Most patients don't have a vampire to change them though" I pointed back out to him. He just sat there. Looking at me, measuring my response. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "what Edward?"

"you still want me to change you?" he looked unconvinced.

"EDWARD!" I shouted at him. "I'm not going anywhere without you. What I said before wasn't meant how you took it. Of course I want to be with you. I just didn't want to destroy you, keeping you locked up here in Florida would have been cruel, I didn't want that for you. I don't think I would have survived being without you but it didn't matter as long as I knew you were somewhere surviving." his face was blank as he took in what I meant.

"you…still…want…me?" confusion colouring every word.

"Of course I do! What did you think? I instantly changed my mind about you. I've always wanted you. I always will want you. Geez Edward." even though my irritation was in full swing mode I couldn't help but laugh at his ridiculous thoughts.

He didn't answer me instead he grabbed me out of the bed, swinging me on his lap and holding me a little too tight. Not that I complained to him. He began kissing my face, my cheek, my nose, my eyes and finally my mouth. Wrapping his hand tightly around the back of my head until his hand was firmly knotted in my hair, he continued to kiss me fiercely. It reminded me of the day we returned to Forks after Italy, the way he kissed me, freely. But even that was nothing compared to that. Relief seemed to instantly take over him, I waited wondering when he was going to pull away but it seemed he had no intention of it this time.

Throwing me back on the bed he moved with me, positioning himself on top as he continued to kiss me. For the first time I seemed to be the one taking things slowly. I was so confused. I didn't have a clue what he wanted from me and so he showed me. He released his hand from my back and the hand from my hair, slowly moving both of them down the sides of my body until he reached my thigh. Gripping them both he pulled my legs around him and I pulled him in even tighter to me. What was he doing? He was breaking all of his own rules but I couldn't have cared less.

I moved my hands as well, gripping on hand on his lower back, using that to pull myself into him and him more into me. I just wanted to feel him as close as possible. I knotted my other hand in his hair as he finally released my mouth and started dropping kisses down my throat and along my collar bone. I shivered, not from the cold but from the pure pleasure of this moment. He stopped. I assumed that meant in his own words 'we have risked your life enough for one day' damn I hated that saying. He didn't move instead he took a deep breath before rising his head to look at me.

"Would you like me to stop?" he spoke softly. My eyes grew wide. Was he really giving me the choice here? I shook a no as quickly as I could and he let out a laugh followed by my favourite crooked smile. "I'll take that as a no" he spoke before he moved back up to lock his lips around mine. As much as I hoped I knew that eventually he would stop, there was no way I was going to get what I wanted not yet at least. The kisses continued as did his hands slowly gliding up and down the outside of my body, each time following the same shivering trail they had left before. I didn't ever want this to end. He started kissing my jaw line and slowly moved up to my right ear, one last kiss before he spoke the words softly. "I love you" Everything about the moment seemed too right, my whole body shivered and goose bumps arose.

"I love you more" I whispered back leaning into his ear.

"I truly doubt that is possible" he laughed again and rolled me on top of him. Placing both hands on my face, he stroked my cheeks with his thumbs as they turned red. "That's one thing I will miss"

"My blush?" I questioned.

"Not so much the blush but one of the few things that help me figure out what your thinking" we both laughed and I leaned down to kiss him again half expecting for his hands to lock my head in place like usual. But he didn't. instead his hands held me closer and tighter to him. What was with him? Did he truly think he had lost me?