"We should have stolen those pajamas," voiced the Joker, as he sat eating brunch in the Iceberg Lounge with Two-Face, Ivy, and Harley. "They were crazy comfortable."
"Now puddin', you know I prefer it if you don't wear pajamas in bed," purred Harley, kissing his cheek. "I'm a lot more comfortable when there's no barrier to our fun anytime of the day or night."
"That's it, I'm vomiting up my brunch," muttered Ivy.
"If you're going to the bathroom, I'll go too," said Harley, standing up. "That tea went right through me – I don't know how Jervis drinks that constantly without having to go to the bathroom every five seconds. Maybe that's why he always wears his hat, as an emergency toilet."
"So I guess that's it between you and Brucie, huh?" asked Joker, as they left him and Two-Face alone.
"Apparently," agreed Two-Face. "It's sad, but I don't see what other choice I have."
"Have you really known him his whole life?" asked Joker. "Was he less cranky before his parents were murdered?"
"He was less cranky before you tainted their memory," retorted Two-Face. "And I've known him most of his life. I certainly know everything about him, or I thought I did…but it turns out he's just like all the rest of those rich snobs, wearing a mask of decency to hide the fact that they're two-faced."
"I think that's what people call irony," chuckled Joker. "That after all this time, he's the two-faced one out of the both of you, when you're the one who looks the part."
"Yeah. It's not funny," said Two-Face.
"Oh, it is, though," replied Joker, grinning. "And who would have thought a spoiled, selfish playboy billionaire was just pretending to be a good guy all these years? I sure wouldn't. Those types of people are always selfless and generous, and place a huge value on friendship over fortune."
"You're being sarcastic, aren't you?" asked Two-Face. "It's hard to tell – your tone is always pretty sarcastic."
"Then it's a pretty good bet that I'm always being sarcastic," retorted Joker.
"We're back, puddin'," said Harley, coming over to cuddle him before sitting down.
"Thank God – I missed you like crazy, Harl, and I definitely couldn't have lasted another five minutes without you," said Joker. "See?" he added, turning to Two-Face.
"Aw, puddin', you're such a sweetheart," sighed Harley, kissing him.
"Harvey, it's strange to see you back here among the rogues," said Oswald Cobblepot, otherwise known as the Penguin, heading over to clear up the table personally. "I thought I'd read that you'd reformed."
"I have," said Two-Face, nodding. "I don't intend to commit anymore crimes. But I have found that I prefer the company of criminals to that of the social elite."
"You mean you prefer honest crooks to crooks who pretend not to be crooked," said Penguin, nodding. "I quite understand, and sympathize. I too am a reformed rogue who maintains ties to my criminal associates. I find the world quite unbearable without a little insanity in it. Plus there's no profit in being good. I think that's why children are taught that being good is its own reward, because that's the only reward they'll have by being good."
"Well, there's obviously profit in pretending to be good," muttered Two-Face. "Everyone at that party last night was rich, and they've certainly hosted enough charity benefits to keep up the appearance of goodness, Bruce included."
"Yeah, like they don't skim off the top of those charities," snorted Joker. "How much of the money they raise do you actually suppose goes to the worthy causes they claim to support?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure all of Bruce's donations did indeed go to Arkham," said Two-Face.
"But obviously not to strengthen security," commented Ivy.
"No, it was probably mostly to pay for my treatment," sighed Two-Face. "That's why I just don't understand…Bruce has always been the best of friends going above and beyond the call of duty in every respect. I don't understand why this is the line in the sand he's drawing – you'd think after all his charity toward Arkham, he'd be a lot more sympathetic to its inmates and my relationships with them."
"I think he was just shocked at seeing us, Harvey," said Ivy. "Particularly the clowns, and after what they did in his parents' bed, he probably wasn't thinking straight through all the rage. Maybe you should go back and talk to him when he's calmer, and had less of an unpleasant awakening. He might apologize and you two could reconcile."
"I'd only consider reconciling with him if he accepts you, Pam," said Two-Face. "And me, the way I am now."
"I don't like defending Bruce Wayne," spoke up Harley. "But I kinda agree with Red – I think if he's been your friend for that long, you should give him another chance. And maybe if he got to know Red, he'd love her as much as we all do."
"Yes, we all do," agreed Joker, smiling at Ivy. "There's just so much to love – the sexist vendetta against an entire gender, the racist vendetta against the entire human race, the sexual attraction she has to plants…"
"No, you're right," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "Not about Pam, Joker, but about Bruce, Harley. Maybe I should invite him out to dinner, with just him and Pammie and me, and let him get to know her one-on-one. It can be a peace offering, and a double date. Not that I really want him to bring a date that would distract from getting to know Pam..."
"He could bring Selina," suggested Ivy. "She's a pal, and could put in a good word for me, if she's in a good mood anyway. She's like a cat in more ways than one – sometimes she's just a bitch for no reason."
"I think it's a great idea," said Joker, beaming. "We could even make it a triple date, with Harley and me!"
"I think in this case, the fewer people the better," said Two-Face, slowly. "Nothing personal, I just think you might distract from Pam with your typical annoying and attention seeking brand of humor, like at breakfast this morning."
"Yes, I am very distracting," agreed Joker. "In the best sense of that word. Events are a snoozefest unless I'm involved, and you'll need me to liven up the evening."
"No, we won't," retorted Ivy. "And nobody wants you there."
"It's not that - I just think a small, intimate setting with as few people as possible is the best way to get to know somebody one-on-one," continued Two-Face.
"But what about my fun?" demanded Joker. "And my reputation! You can't just invite billionaire Bruce Wayne out and expect me not to try to annoy him! That's just what I do!"
Two-Face sighed. "Harley, can I have a word in private?" he asked, standing up.
"Sure thing," said Harley, shrugging. "You two don't kill each other now," she said, patting Joker on the shoulder.
"No promises," growled Ivy, who was glaring back at him.
"What is it, Harvey?" asked Harley, when they were a good distance away.
"Can I pay you to distract Joker on the night of the date?" asked Two-Face. "Can you just…I don't know, chain him to the bed or something?"
"Well, you wouldn't have to pay me to do that, Harvey!" giggled Harley. "I'd love to tie him up, but he is pretty good at escaping, and anyway, I don't think that's the best way to prevent him from crashing your date."
"What is?" asked Two-Face.
Harley tapped her nose. "You just leave it to me, Harv, I'm a pretty good shrink," she said, returning to the table and pouring herself another cup of tea.
"Well, I agree with Mr. J," she said. "Going out on a date with him is a lot more fun than anything else, especially fighting Batman. We'd love to join you and Brucie. I know my idea of a good time is chatting with the social elite while being all lovey-dovey with my puddin'. I mean, since there are two other couples I gotta compete with, I'm gonna up the affection ante by a billion."
Joker laughed nervously. "Not actually possible," he muttered.
"I'm just really touched," continued Harley. "Normally Mr. J would be spending his evening battling the Bat, but he's decided to put me first for once, and I couldn't be more flattered. It just shows how much he really does love me, and how deeply he cares about me, to put me in front of his ultimate nemesis like that. Yep, the Bat is gonna have to be all alone for one evening, because it's Harley's special night, and I'm gonna show my puddin' just how special he makes me feel all night long – he won't be able to shake me for an instant. I will be all over him like jam on this scone," she said, spreading grape jam thickly onto the muffin in front of her.
Joker looked at the muffin, and shuddered. "You know what, I don't think I wanna come on your stupid double date anyway," he said.
"Oh no, we really wanted you to be there," said Two-Face, looking at Harley, who took a bite from her scone and winked at him.
"Yeah, it's a terrible loss," agreed Ivy, whose tone rivaled the Joker's for sarcasm.
"I just have better things to do with my time," continued Joker. "Plans, y'know, with the Bat. Plans that I can't fulfill if I hang out with lame Bruce Wayne and his freak friends all night. No, you two go have dinner with rich boy Bruce Wayne, and I'll plan a battle with Batman. What could possibly go wrong?"