Author's Note / Summary: A brief look into a certain demon's mind as she realizes her feelings for a certain redhead. Rated M for one F-Bomb. Set during Hearts on Fire, after Willow finds out about Pat's true nature.

That´s how I begin
road to my deliverance.
Paved with my desire
Breathing air like fire

I find myself in love
The fall of you defining me

Tarja – Deliverance

The door slammed, and Willow was gone, her last words still lingering in the demon's ears and making her heart clench up, her eyes stinging suspiciously – before she clenched her teeth and told herself that she wouldn't cry, not over this, she hadn't cried for two centuries and she surely wouldn't start with it now, not over some human she just had gotten close to so she could get to…

The rage took hold of her, anger at herself for being so foolish, for letting the witch find the amulet and figure out what it meant, and before she even realized she was moving, she had made her way to the table with two long strides, grasped the ashtray and threw it, a loud growl accompanying the noise of glass shattering, her eyes flashing up red.

For a few more moments, she stood there, breathing heavily, her fists clenched at her sides and trembling slightly; and then, she slumped down onto the couch and buried her face in her hands, finally acknowledging the pain, asking herself yet again how she could have been so stupid – and why it hurt so much to know that, the next time she might see Willow, it'd be during battle, while she'd be out to kill her best friend and hurt her even worse than she already had.

Knowing that Willow hadn't just made an empty promise when she had told her Buffy would kick her ass, should she run into her again, Pat packed up her stuff an hour after the redhead had left; when it came to leaving Sunnydale though, she didn't take the witch's advice, not leaving as she had been told she should, but moving to a motel not far from campus, telling herself that she did it so she could finish the job and not because of some other stupid reasons, like any emotions she might have developed.

Don't be stupid, she thought to herself as she laid on the rather uncomfortable bed, the TV filling the room with mindless noise, the window open so the smoke from her cigarette would drift outside, the black haired woman easily ignoring the non-smoking signs on the walls, you've done your jobs this way a thousand times. And you've blown your cover before, too, so you can do this, this is no different to your previous jobs.

Unbidden, an image of Willow formed in her mind's eye, of the look on the redhead's face when she had confirmed her nature and the true reason for her stay in Sunnydale; and even though she didn't want to, she couldn't help but ponder how the witch might look once her best friend was dead, the expression of pain and heartbreak which surely would show on her face then.

Fuck, get a hold of yourself, she mentally grumbled at herself, sitting up and glaring at the TV, as if it was to blame for her current dilemma, since when do you care so much about your means to an end? And that's all she was, no matter how beautiful you think she is and how much you want to make it all up to her just so she'll smile at you again and how good it felt to hold her and…

Realizing to which track her train of thought had moved, she let out another growl, getting up from the bed with enough force to make it rattle slightly; unable to stand still, Pat started pacing up and down, clenching and unclenching her fists as she asked herself what was wrong with her, not even noticing the smoke which was rising from her hands and towards the ceiling.

"This is idiotic", she said out loud, not caring if anyone heard her through the open window, a distinctive grumble in her voice, "since when do you care about this? You don't! This is your job! She doesn't matter!"

Already when she said it out loud, she knew that it wasn't true, and the way her heart clenched up only confirmed that knowledge; again, she found herself thinking of the look on Willow's face when she had admitted the truth, the anger which had turned into so much pain at her betrayal, and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't forget it, the scene replaying again and again until she couldn't help, but had to ask herself if she was losing her mind.

"Yeah, I blew my cover", Pat told her boss two days later, days she had spent mostly in the hotel room, brooding and trying to cope with what has happening to her, with no success though, finding herself unable to think of anyone else than Willow and of how much she missed her, "so I'm off the job. I could have pulled it off with a regular human anyway, but not with the Slayer."

"You know this will have consequences", a cold voice replied, slit yellow eyes glaring at her, "when I hired you, I was told you are the best and that you can do this. And now you tell me you're off the job?"

"You'll find out how good I am if you try to threaten me", the demon snarled in reply, her own eyes losing their blue colour and flashing up brightly red, "and if you want the Slayer dead so badly, just go after her yourself. I told you, I'm off the job."

Even though she knew that it was dangerous, she turned her back on him after the last few words and started to march off, feeling the tingle between her shoulder blades where his gaze and the glares of his two guards were focused, knowing that this would be where an arrow or a thrown knife might hit, but not looking back, aware of the fact that this would only make her look weak and maybe provoke them into attacking her after all.

"It's about the girl, isn't it", his voice finally came up again, surprising her so much that she stopped dead in her tracks, still refusing to turn around though, "that redhead. You got feelings for her. You did quite cosy with her that one night."

"She has nothing to do with it", the taller woman lied through grit teeth, feeling like tackling him and breaking his thick neck, "so leave her out of this."

"She doesn't, eh", the demon mob boss gave back, and she could hear the smirk on his face, still refusing to look at him, "then you surely won't mind if I send someone after her? If you feel nothing for her?"

In response, she finally did turn, and even though he had faced many enraged beings during his time, from humans to vampires to stronger demons, he nearly flinched back when her gaze met his, burning a bright red with pure rage, the fact that her voice was calm and controlled when she replied only making it seem worse. "You do that, and it's the last thing you've ever done."

And then, without another word and without giving him the chance to reply something, she turned and strode off; his bodyguards looked at him, waiting for his signal, but he merely shook his head and watched her go, asking himself how seriously he had to take her and how much damage she could do to him and his gang, not knowing that, not too long from this day on, her newfound friends and she would wipe them out completely.

When she had left the motel for a walk, Pat hadn't even been sure what had made her do so, since normally, she wasn't one for going on walks, preferring to drive wherever she had to go; since the urge to move through town was so strong within her though, she gave in to it, centuries of being a demon having taught her to listen to her instincts.

Without having a real idea where she was going, she just let her feet carry her wherever they would take her; and part of her wasn't even surprised when she found herself close to the Bronze, the place where she had shared her first kiss with Willow, the place where she had made the first daring move towards her by hugging her rather close from behind during a game of pool.

Holding back a sigh, she stopped walking, wistfully looking down the street while she patted her pockets for her cigarettes; and just as she had found them, an all too familiar voice cried out, sending her heart rate through the roof as she recognize it at once – and heard the hint of pain and fear in it, concern and anger warring within her for dominance as she tried to pinpoint the direction the words had come from.

"Let me go!" she heard Willow plead again moments later, making this easy for her; a few fast steps took her to the next alley, her eyes narrowing when she found the redhead being held by two guys, one of them having taken her arm while the other had grabbed a handful of her hair – before a smirk formed on her face as she realized that she could beat two birds with one stone in this situation.

In that very moment, she gave up on any thoughts of denial she still had had about her true feelings for the witch, feelings of concern and care and love she hadn't had for so long; the mere thought of these men touching her any moment longer, and the knowledge of what they were planning to do to her, something which was obvious through their lecherous expressions, made her so angry that she wanted to kill them both were they stood, her bloodlust only causing her smile to widen as she moved closer, her goal now clear in her mind, all doubts gone.

She had some guys overstepping their bounds to scare off, and then she had to prove her love to a woman she merely had used at first, and missed so much now that it almost hurt her physically – and even though she knew that the second part might be the biggest challenge of her life, she told herself that it all would work out fine, the smirk still on her face as she finally spoke up, startling all three of them and knowing, just knowing deep inside that everything would be alright when she saw the brief look of relief and joy on Willow's face.