Author's notes:
Thank you to every one who is still following this story, I hope I've managed to keep your interest going. I realized along the way that I'm digressing from the main point of my story. I also think I'm producing rather sloppy chapters despite my promise to buck up and improve on the story. I wish I could blame it on my work load in real life but it's not a good enough excuse isn't it? Well, I will put this story right back on track starting from this chapter.
Dannie: Thank you so much for your review for Chapter 8 and to answer your question: Fay is 24 years of age.
Werty: Thank you so much for your constructive comments. I have to say grammar is my greatest weakest in this language and sometimes mistakes are made. I am really happy that you enjoy reading this fic though!
Thank you for all the great reviews everyone left, they're my main source of encouragement to keep on going even when I'm flat out. I know this is on every chapter but it's something that can never be said enough. Simply because I'm honored that someone out there likes this story enough to comment on it. I'm also happy to see that I have come this far without my inspiration drying up halfway...it's a horrifying thing to experience. I'm sure every writer on FFN knows how that feels like.
Without further ado, let carry on to the latest chapter! Enjoy! Partly inspired by Dig - Incubus and The Prettiest Thing - Norah Jones
Awashed,
Bright lights,
A faraway view,
Of this drowned city,
Driven here,
By the might,
Of pure winds
- Cattyfuzzy
Evidence of things unseen
Tells of fluttering heartbeats
Tells of tingles from a kiss
Evidence of things unseen
Tells of bittersweet ache
Tells of a dull throbbing pain
Evidence of things unseen
Tells of a shattered heart
Tells of our broken souls
Evidence of things unseen
Tells that we have loved before
- Cattyfuzzy
The Continuality of Existence
Chapter 10
Kurogane wondered how anyone could feel lonelier with another occupant at home. It was getting worse nowadays. Sakura was on vacation and wasn't coming back for another two weeks. He hopes he is able to survive the deafening silence and that suffocating guilt. It has been tearing at him from the inside ever since he and Yuuko went their separate ways. Now Fay's knowledge regarding his feelings was weighing upon his shoulders too. The blond wasn't dense and judging by the turn of events, he should be able to deduce as much. That was something he had fervently wished to avoid. He also hopes that Fay had agreed to stay at the hospital for a few days...and he's starting to feel that it wasn't really for the welfare of the blonde.
Ah...yes...he is starting to realize how selfish and cowardly he is.
It was along that thought that he wanted to run out of his door when he saw Fay sitting on the couch, waiting for him apparently. However, his legs seemed to lose the will to move upon sight of the blonde. Fay was perched with his legs under him, looking out at the window again lost in his thoughts. Kurogane knows the city night lights are his one of his favorite views. Cities that never sleep...that's what Fay likes to call them, Tokyo, New York, Las Vegas, they all reminded the blonde of the perplexities of the restlessness men feels. It was one of the many subjects that Fay found intriguing. He didn't notice that the red eye man was standing there until the dull thud of a briefcase was heard.
It was in the dim light that they stood, on an opposite, with the empty spaces between them full of words unsaid. Neither having the courage to speak, knowing how their lives would change with this conversation. Unsure if they wanted this nameless thing that exists between them, a discovery of foreign emotions, fighting their conflicts within. It was that knowing in their consciousness that they knew they were not ready to cross that unassailable distance. Yet the tension that exists between them threatens to push them off the edge.
"What were you thinking?" Fay's whispered question, a harsh textured voice in the silence.
Despite the soft volume his question was projected, Kurogane didn't miss the anger simmering beneath. He vaguely made a guess that the question was directed at his request for the blonde to be admitted. He was also surprised that the blonde was the one who initiated the conversation. Just shows how much of a man he was...
"..."
"If you're going to avoid your own problems, you should stop preaching to me about facing my past or whatever. I'm not some...thing...to be thrown around." Fay continued hurt now mingled with the anger he felt. He was disappointed with the behavior of the red eye man, although he does not know why.
"I'm sorry...I didn't mean for you to feel this way..." Kurogane sighed and walked towards the couch and settled at the opposite end of the blonde. Despite their situation, he was still able to muse on how different they were their contrast a stark parallel to each other.
Whereby Kurogane grew up privileged with opportunities abound and doors opened for him. The blonde grew up in a world devoid of aspirations and dreams. He grew up experiencing joy and knew felicity. The blonde grew up well acquainted with despair, fear and loss. He had the opportunity to take love for granted. The blonde had none at all. Where he became a liar to achieve his goals and advance in his career. The blonde searched in vain for that last shred of honesty to free himself. When throughout his life, he went by mostly untainted but completely corrupted. The blonde remained an innocent despite his sordid and tragic past, his will undaunted, fiery and strong. How was he to proceed from here? If the blonde ever entertained the thought and felt he was undeserving of all the good things in life.
Fay had thought wrong.
He the jaded soul who no longer seeks to believe, who grew to be cynical to the good of his own kind...is truly the undeserving one.
They sat there looking at each other for a long time, each pondering how best to express themselves. The deft movement of pale slender fingers picking at the skin lining the cuticles belied the calm shown in Fay's eyes. Kurogane held the blonde's gaze, unable to prevent himself from being sucked into those soulful azure eyes. Could he be honest, brave enough to admit outright to the blonde about his feelings without losing the trust? Should he cross that invisible line of no return?
"You know...I never found it this hard to start a conversation before." Kurogane told Fay with a soft awkward smile gracing his ragged features.
Fay pulled his brows together in a woeful frown. The man who sits before him this night was as bare and vulnerable as him. A man whom he felt jealousy, resentment, grudging respect and reluctant affections for...wants him. No words were said but he understood. It wasn't lust or selfish desires shown in those eyes. It was a call for acceptance...for help and a hand to lead him into the unknown, together. Fay's heart started to thunder in his ears and he wonders why it is getting so difficult to breathe as he continued to gaze at those fiery crimson orbs. Those eyes that he once found strange and intimidating, now only reminds him of tenderness and want.
They reminded him of how Doumeki looks at Watanuki. Is this a manifestation of that age old emotion called love? Is he experiencing that elusive feeling? If that is so...why does he feel so petrified? He feels like he's hanging upside down on a tight rope by his toes...his heart palpitations wild and erratic...that aching pull in the middle of his being makes him feels light and heady at the same time. How could anyone feel like that all the time and not go crazy because of it?
"And I don't know how to call this thing you're making me feel." Fay said softly as he ceased the movements of his fingers and shifted to draw his knees to his chest. The huddled position was an unconscious act of seeking protection from the unknown. From the red eye man who's radiating heat was scorching him, burning the edges of his soul.
"When did we get this lost? Will you still trust me if I tell you what is going on in me?" Kurogane asked as a heartfelt chuckle rumbled from deep within his chest. It was frustrating and amusing at the same time. Imaging, him, at a lost for words when he's a lawyer. The vibrations of that deep baritone voice chuckling caught Fay off guard, sending an unexpected surge of warmth to his body. Along with that warmth, Fay caught the scent of Kurogane's cologne, a musky scent reminiscent of jungle foliage mixed with exotic spices and invigorating tropical ethers attacked his senses. It makes Fay want to reach out and bury and lose himself in that intoxicating scent, in that warmth. The acknowledgement of this feeling doesn't exonerate him, only creates a stronger sense of self-loathing.
"Don't ask me questions that I don't have the answers to, and don't avoid mine. I need to know what were you thinking when you asked Ashura to have me admitted?" Fay paused before continuing "I'm not going to break just because you push. What you did was a blatant disregard towards my..."
"You know...from your reaction that night, you're surprisingly calm right now." Kurogane said "you're right...I was being irresponsible and callous. I thought I could be by myself for a while to...you know...sort things out."
Fay nodded into his chest as he thought about Kurogane's answer. In retrospect, it did seem like a good idea to be away from each other and let the confusion in their head cool off for a while. Instead they were sitting here, an overwhelming awkwardness and uncertainty looming above them.
"Tell me what's going on Fay because I really don't know what to say right now, I'm pretty confused myself." Kurogane requested as he ran his fingers through short, spiky hair, averting his gaze for a moment from those haunted blue eyes.
"You confuse me too..." Fay replied as he glanced up at Kurogane "frighten me...immensely, yet you made me feel safe...it's so conflicting. Why do you act like this towards me? Am I making you sick...Kurogane?"
Kurogane startled as he look disbelieving into azure eyes now hazy with doubts. Was that what the blonde really thought?
"What makes you think that? I guess we are both sick if you choose to put it this way." Kurogane said "No...Fay...you didn't do anything bad. Just stop...what happened was not your fault. I need you to stop thinking that before we can continue talking about this. I can't deny what happened to your parents may be wrong but...it's not you than. You're a victim...Your mistakes are yours to keep but don't you ever think that you are to shoulder the blame alone. Even than...it doesn't matter now."
"I have blood on my hands...I'm a murderer. Who're you to say it doesn't matter?"
"Because we are not as innocent as you think we are. We are all guilty of something...and...and you have been given a second chance. Why won't you embrace it?"
"You are taking this lightly because the consequence of the deed is not on you. I want to believe that my existence has done something to you rather than believe you really care because I can't...I'm used and dirty. Isn't this obvious? How could you feel that way for someone like me?" Fay said voice quivering as he huddled further against the sofa, grasping tightly onto the denim of his jeans. Tears were starting to well up in his eyes but he swallowed and curbed the urge to cry. He can't break down right now because he needs Kurogane to know the truth and see him for who he is...
"Do you know I was raped in jail too...repeatedly...and I came with them...those men. I hated it. I hated myself but my body reacted. So many of them...and no one helped. No one. When I killed my parents, I felt nothing. Nothing but emptiness. Do you see what I am? I wanted to die but I don't even have the courage to kill myself!" Fay said his hands started to shake with the memories that he now calls out unbidden, the horror of everything he experienced threatening to pulverize his soul. Tears were now running rivulets down his pale ivory cheeks. He turned to look at Kurogane, anger, shock and concern clearly displayed on his face. He turned away just as quickly, not able to withstand the fact that not an ion of disgust was shown on the red eye man's face.
Kurogane clenched his fist as he absorbed the words...how could someone who suffered so much still be here trying to carve a tiny place for himself in this cold world? Surely the blonde knew how much courage one needed to live on with such a heavy burden? Not choosing to escape was a show of his defiance against what fate had set for him. How could one still be ashamed when such strength was shown in the face of adversity?
"If you felt only lust for me...I might..." Fay paused 'might what...do you want that to happen to you again? Do you really want that?' the voice in his head asked. Fay shook his head "whatever you feel right now. It will be better for you to be rid of it before you regret anything."
Kurogane lashed out at the blonde when he heard those words, his hands moved and latched on the blonde's slender shoulders before he could stop himself. He gripped hard, knowing it will leave gentle bruises on that milky pale skin. He wants Fay to remember what he says.
"Stop saying things like that!" Kurogane snarled as he shook Fay hard "open your eyes and take a good look at yourself! You can't keep throwing yourself off the cliff! What makes you think anyone cares about your past? No one asked...they saw who they see today...and that is you. Not the kid whose hand is full of blood, not the boy who was...I don't care, we don't care..." Kurogane stopped halfway as he struggled to get his emotions under control before he continued 'you have to know that because...I don't know how or when...but when I see you like this...I'm starting to hurt too."
Kurogane took a deep breathe and loosen his grip on the blonde's shoulders. He thought the more they talked the more enlighten they would be...but it seems they were slipping deeper into the complicated maze of emotions.
Though it wasn't much...Fay understood how the red eye man. He had borne the pain after every sunrise for the past ten years of his life, clinging on to the fragile thread of hope and learning to live all over again. It was with those words that his silent tears gave way to cries of relief. The doors to his haunted heart closed for so long are now jarred wide opened. His hands that have been holding out for deliverance twitched and reached out and yearned to receive it.
The eternal night that ensnares his anguished soul now burns away with the light, the weight of that black grief on his shoulders easing off. How could such simple words from this man take away so much pain, blow away so much of that hatred contained in him? The shell that houses his lonely soul is starting to flicker to life and he realizes that no matter how strong his walls are...he had irrevocably fallen. He was lost ever since the first time he had felt the warmth of the red eye man. He only struggled so much against it because it terrifies him to acknowledge the fact that he was attracted to another man. He couldn't see it as any other thing but a perversion of his twisted mind.
"Will we ever stop hurting than?" Fay asked as he leaned back and laid his head on the back of the couch.
Kurogane reached out for the box of tissues sitting on the coffee table and passed them to the blonde. Not sure what else was to be done or said at this point. He watched Fay wiped at his red swollen eyes and blow his nose. He was glad that their talk hadn't taken a turn for the worse.
"Maybe one day..." Kurogane murmured as he shifted closer beside the blonde "I don't know but we could go on and see where this leads us."
"And what if it doesn't work out? What if these feelings you have now turned out to be a fluke?" Fay asked as he fisted the tissue in his hand, feeling the warm moist of his tears from it "where would I be than?"
"Are you going to live your whole life filled with missed opportunities?" Kurogane asked "I know I can't promise you anything...not yet but what I feel now isn't a lie."
Fay turned to face Kurogane, looking into those determined crimson orbs. Once again seeing the difference between someone whose life has been favored by fate and Fay thought that he can't do it. He knows there is no recourse and there are still things too big for them both to understand. The colliding void of their individual desires has no priority in the decision he will be making. As his thoughts started to disrupt themselves, the cages that he had built up in his mind started to encase him once again. The acrimonious sentiments he carries with him...he knows now too that they will never dissipate. Betrayal, like the ever changing tides of the shorelines will always come back, even if there is no known cause or reasons.
He is a forsaken angel, doomed to be forever imprisoned, forever tormented.
"I need some time to think about this. If we were to step into this, I'm not sure if I can protect you from me." Fay said as he exhaled, so forcibly that his head hurt.
Kurogane breathe in sharply as he listened to Fay say those words, he understands that there are issues that can't be averted. But something tells him that if he allows the blonde to slip away, there will be no getting him back. He could feel the anxiety and fear radiating from the blonde. He could see the beginning of fragile dreams being tore away by the hurricane within. Kurogane wants so much to crawl under that expense of lucid skin to look for that tiny flame in the blonde's entrapped soul. He wants to stoke it into a blazing inferno and bring life back to him again. But there is nothing he can do. He is only allowed to will in silence and clenched his fists to rage about the injustice of it all. He reaches out instead with a hand that is aflame with raw emotions coupled with gentleness and cusped Fay cheek, pulling the blonde inexplicably closer to him.
Fay stared into Kurogane's eyes, unable to pull his gaze away. That feeling was there and he fought it again. He lifted his hands and laid them on the red eye man's chest, stopping his advance. A calloused thumb brushed across the soft skin of his tear stained cheek and he wonders if the shattering sound he hears echoing within him was of his heart breaking.
How could such tenderness be so heart wrenchingly painful?
"Fay..." Kurogane whispered his voice turning husky and strained "why is it so difficult?"
"Because such is my life...Kuro-san." Fay replied quietly as he leaned into the palm of the red eye man, savoring the warmth, allowing himself the last bit of comfort.
He wonders if his absence from Kurogane's life would prevent more misery from occurring. He wasn't afraid of that almighty, lung crushing gravity of attraction between them. What he really feared was the ever wakeful beast laying within him, waiting for the right opportunity to takeover.
A beast that craves the release of the madness in his head...craves the deathly stench of blood in his hands.
A soul of a murderer can never be changed...not even by love.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Doumeki woke to the frantic knocks on the door; he turned towards the table clock by his bedside, luminous hands informing his sleep addled brain that it is in the dead of the night. Beside him, he felt Watanuki stirred.
"mmhh...who is it? Go get the door...you big oaf..." Watanuki mumbled sleepily and latched on to Doumeki's tee-shirt, trying to snuggle closer. Doumeki smiled at his boyfriends antics and gently pry open his fingers before getting gingerly off the bed. He really didn't bear to disturb the boy's sleep; he had been busy running between odd jobs and his studies. Doumeki could tell that the blue eye boy was worn out. He put on his bedroom sandals and shuffled in the dark towards the living room, searching for the switch along the stretch of wall for the lights. The sudden white light made him squint. He walked towards the door quickly, irritated and wanting to stop the knocking before it completely wakes Watanuki up. He swung the door open, a sarcastic remark hanging by the corner of his lips. The surprise of seeing who was at his door surprised him into shutting up.
"What are you doing here?" Doumeki asked.
The blonde only smiled apologetically before stepping quietly past him and into the apartment.
TBC
This chapter will be posted in two parts, not due to the length. It's incredibly difficult to write so I need some time to think through the second part. Hopefully I can get it out before January starts...
Enjoy the festive season everyone!