Chapter Twenty Four
Darkness. Strange dreams that I don't understand.I stand on the shore and look out over a black sea – the sky is black. The night is black – no stars shine. No moon hangs in the night sky. Even the sand is black. The darkness swallows me up whole. Frozen – cold – falling into some sort of Abyss. And then I land here, on this strange and foreboding beach – and I see her, Caroline. She's floating on the waves, on her back, staring up into the night. Her hair floats around her, like a halo or a lion's mane. The water churns – it boils – it isn't boiling, there's something in it – something terrible and she doesn't see it – or if she does see it, she doesn't react to it – it's as if she's trapped somehow and cannot move. I try to warn her – I scream out her name and tell her to get out of the water – but she doesn't hear me... and then the water swallows her up whole. She's just – gone. Gone as if she was never there at all. And I wake, shaking. Cold. Terrified that I'm loosing her somehow... I've never had nightmares that felt so real before. I've never been so afraid of anything as I am of loosing her.
>
"Simon, this is a difficult time for everyone – but especially Caroline," Elliot told him. "Because of her age – and her heritage – she's going through something – something that no one else can really understand, not even those of us who love her." He'd been moved from ICU into a sunny private room. He wore a cast over much of his upper body – and Peter was reluctant to have him go home any time soon. Reconstruction – and replacement – of his collarbone had gone well, and mostly Elliot was feeling inconvenienced by being laid up like this. "There are things that only Caroline can share with you – and she will, but only when she's ready."
"I don't understand." For eight days, Simon had hardly slept – hardly eaten. He'd phoned Cathy at work – only to have Joe tell him that she wasn't in – and then rush him off the phone, leaving him with an even greater sense of dread. "I can't even get Cathy to talk to me."
"It's not that she doesn't want to talk to you – she's with Caroline right now – her daughter needs her. I know Catherine cares for you very much – but what's going on is taking all her time – and all of her strength." He knew through the 'grapevine' that Diana and Fin were standing watch with Catherine and Vincent, trying to take some of the strain off of them – much as he, Joe and Laura had stood watch with them over Jake. They had decided, without really talking about it, that it was just part of the duty of a godparent to be there through the darkness.
"Can't you tell me something that will make me feel – feel like I'm not being shut out of everything? I'm in love with her, Elliot. Please – give me something to hang on to."
"You're in love with her. Hang on to that. Simon – the secrets about Caroline's life are hers and hers alone. Not even her mother has the right to tell you what you want to know – because only Caroline can decide when she's ready to have you hear it," Elliot said, though it hurt him not to be able to say more – he could see that Simon's heart was breaking under the weight of all the secrets. "Be patient. Right now she needs space."
"I just want to be there for her – I love her – I love her more than I thought it was possible to love. Some nights – some nights I have these terrible dreams that she's slipping away from me into this sea of black water and no matter how hard I try, I can't reach her. I call her name – I scream it at the top of my lungs – but she can't hear me. I'm standing on the shore, just watching, as she's pulled under the water and I can't get to her."
Black water – the same things Caroline was dreaming; he almost smiled. "Even if she can't hear you – you're there for her. That alone gives her strength. Believe me – hang on to that love – let it be the beacon that brings her back to the shore."
"I'm afraid she'll never come back to shore," Simon admitted. "Last night I dreamed that she was – just swallowed up whole. That she vanished underneath the black waves and never came back up again. I was just left standing there – alone on the shore." In his dreams, he'd fallen to his knees in the sand – black sand – sobbing out her name, aching inside; he was still crying when he awoke, calling for her, feeling as if she was a thousand miles away… And though dawn had come and the sun's light had chased away the darkness – he still ached inside…he still felt the cold chill of fear. "I've never felt so alone in my life." He still ached with the pain of her loss – even though he knew she was still out there – somewhere. He couldn't get to her – she couldn't hear him…
"You're not alone," Amy said softly from the door. "Hope I'm not interrupting."
Simon shook his head, "I'm just – just trying to make sense out of everything and nothing is making any sense."
Amy favoured him with a kind smile; she set down her brief case – and Elliot's, along with his laptop and planner, compliments of Mrs. Miller, then leaned over and kissed her husband. "How are you doing?"
"Better now," he smiled into her eyes, holding her tight with his good arm...then, "And better now that I'll be able to get some work done."
"Just take it easy," Amy warned him. "Or your laptop comes home with me."
"Yes, Ma'am," he grinned; then Elliot returned his attention to Simon. "Through love, all things are possible, Simon – even the things that seem impossible."
"Caroline said that once – she wrote it in a book she gave me."
"It's something Cathy told Vincent a long time ago – and it has never been more true," he allowed his gaze to linger on the beautiful woman who did him the honour of being his wife. She just smiled back at him – she'd brought some work of her own to the hospital – he recognized the books of case law. She knew that he'd be anxious to see what had been going on in his absence… she knew him. And yet she still loved him… "Simon – some day I hope you'll hear these words in the proper context – but I want you to hear something now – something that maybe you can hold on to in the dark. You have to remember that even the darkness is nothing, so long as we share the light- as long as we have each other, everything will be all right." Seventeen Winterfests – this would be the first one he'd missed in the seventeen years he'd learned of the secrets below the city streets… even so, yesterday Laura brought him a candle – and one for Amy as well. Lauren would be Below – he and Amy would be Above - he would tell her the story – share with her his light. They would be all together in spirit… and perhaps the strength of their light would help Caroline through her darkness… "You can be her beacon – your love can bring her back to shore. Believe in that. Hang on to it."
"I'll try – thanks," he gave Elliot a careful hug and kissed Amy's cheek, then departed…
"Do you think they'll be all right?" Amy asked, after Simon had gone.
"I think so. He's having the same dreams she is – only he's standing on the shore, calling out to her. She can't hear him."
"But he's there – that has to count for something, doesn't it?"
"I hope so," Elliot reached across to her – she took his hand and kissed it lightly.
>
Simon found himself walking aimlessly – hobbling aimlessly. He wasn't supposed to put pressure on the leg, so he used a cane - he still shouldn't be walking this much. But he felt so restless - it was impossible to just sit still... Eventually, his meanderings brought him to the park…
I found myself at the park today – walking the path we walked the first time she brought me there... a peaceful, beautiful path that winds through the trees... for a moment, I almost thought I felt her with me. God, how I miss her laugh – the feel of her hand's warmth in mine – the way the sun shines on her hair. What's happened to me? It's like this amazing woman was swept into my life and changed it forever. I don't know what I would do without her – Elliot says to remember that the darkness is nothing. To hang on to love.
The ringing phone brought Simon from his thoughts; he set down his journal and reached over for the receiver. "Burch – McCarty residents."
"Hey, Simon."
"Ruthie," he smiled at the sound of his little sister's voice. Simon glanced at the clock – it was eight o'clock his time… "What are you doing home so early?"
"Half day. I called earlier and talked to some guy named Kyle?"
"Kyle McCarty – he probably left me a note somewhere. I just got in a little bit ago."
"So what gives – I thought you had a place of your own – but when I called there, this guy told me to call you at this number."
"I'm hanging out with Kyle for a while – mostly helping him keep an eye on his daughter – she's not quite two. Thankfully, his aunt took her for the weekend. I think we both need a break. Nicole has defiantly hit the terrible twos."
"At least there's just one of her – remember when Sam and David hit that stage?"
Simon laughed, "Do I ever. So – what's up?"
"Nothing – I just called because I miss you."
"I miss you too."
"I talked to Matt – he says he saw you more when you lived here. You're practically neighbours, you know. You should go see him. He misses you too."
"His apartment isn't exactly close to here."
"There's still no reason you can't go over there once in a while."
"I do have a job – and I'm supposed to be taking it easy still."
"So – how's the job? Do you like it?"
"I love it. I love working with kids – I can't wait to get back into school and get my teaching degree. What about you – how's school – I heard you had a new boyfriend."
"Vincent."
Simon almost laughed, "For a name that isn't real popular, there seem to be an awful lot of Vincents around."
"Who else is there?"
"Caroline's father is a Vincent – so is Elliot's brother in law. What's your Vincent like?"
She smiled – and told him all about everything…
It wasn't until Amy walked in the door that Simon realized how late it must be and got his sister off the phone… Mom and Dad were going to have a fit when they saw the bill…
"You're still up," Amy smiled. "Kyle around?"
"Work. You'rein New Yorkthis weekend?"
"Lauren's father and I swapped weekends so he could take her to some family thing with his folks. So I guess it's just you and me – have you eaten?"
"I'm not real hungry."
"Well you still have to eat something – shall I cook or order in?"
"Would you be offended if I said order in?"
Amy laughed and threw a pillow at him. "Then, You have the phone – order whatever – just no pizza. I had a slice of pizza today in the cafeteria at work," she made a face.
Simon chuckled and hit the speed dial for the Chinese place down the street – it was obvious by some of the little things, like several restaurants on speed dial, that Elliot had been a bachelor for a long time…"You know, you never really told me how you and Elliot met," Simon ventured.
Amy smiled and came to sit on the chair across from him, "It was a cold November night - and I was having the worst week of my life..."
Chapter Twenty Five
Simon crawled into bed and stared up at the ceiling for a long while, unable to sleep… unable to face the fear his dreams brought…
Water lapped up on the shore. Black water. Black sand. A starless, black, black sky… he looked out over the water, trying to find her – but she wasn't there…
"Simon."
He jumped at the sound of his name – the voice was old – ancient – it was little more than a whisper on the wind, crackling like dry autumn leaves. There was no one around.
"Simon."
"Whose there?"
She chuckled softly – it was an eerie sound – her laugh wasn't menacing – or mocking, but he still felt shivers run up and down his spine at the sound of it. It was like she was everywhere – she was on the wind – in the sky – a part of the darkness.
"You darkness that I come from, I love you more than all the fires that fence in the world," she began. Her accent was Jamaican or Caribbean.
"For the fire forms a circle of light for everyone – and then no one outside learns of you," Simon replied. It was from a Rainer Rilke poem.
"But the darkness pulls in everything."
"Shapes, fires, animals and myself."
They spoke together: "How easily it gathers them, powers and people. And it is possible that a great energy is moving near me. I have faith in nights."
"Very good, Simon. There may be hope for you yet," the old woman stepped out of the darkness. She was short. Her skin was dark and her features betrayed great age – her eyes shone like a pair of white moons – sightless. Yet – he got the feeling that she could see just fine… her dress was odd – layers of coloured scarves and sweaters and a skirt that touchedthe ground– a bandanna encircled her head. It was orange and yellow – the colours of her attire seemed at odds with everything around them.
"Who are you?" he asked; she wore necklaces of cowry shells and coloured beads – the beads were like the ones Tarra wore – only this woman wore far more than Tarra did. And though she was old, Simon felt from her such strength – and power. And – great benevolence. "How can I get to her?" he asked, sure that she would be able to tell him. "Why can't she hear me?"
"You must come below."
"What?"
"You must come below. Below the catacombs. Further than anyone has ever gone before. That is where she will find herself. That is where you will find her. You are her beacon, Simon."
"What?" That's what Elliot had said.
The old woman just chuckled. "You are her beacon – and she is your anchor. And together you can do great things – but this is a fragile time for her. Without your light, her – essence – could shatter. She could find herself lost to the darkness forever."
"No – no that can't happen! I can't loose her."
"Than you must go to her. And you must be braver – braver than you have ever been before."
He swallowed the lump in his throat – brave had never been something he'd been particularly good at… "How do I find her?"
"When the time comes – you will know the way. In the mean time you must be strong – and you must forget."
"Forget?"
"Yes. When it is right, the memory will come back – but for now – you must allow her what she needs."
"What does she need?"
"To find her path – to find her feet. And to make mistakes. For the children, it seems, are doomed to repeat the errors of the parents – and what silly parents she has." She began to fade back into the darkness.
"Just – wait – please!"
"Such impatience, child. Be still," with transparent fingers, she touched his heart.
Her hands brought a chill to Simon.
"Be still – in here. Be still. Learn to listen."
"Please – just tell me that she's all right!"
The old woman chuckled, "Oh how like her father you are! – asking questions to which you already know the answers." And with that, she was gone…
>
Caroline's fever broke the night of Winterfest… but she still felt at odds with herself, as if someone else had crawled into her skin and wouldn't leave. She had no sense of Simon – she couldn't hear his heart beating when she closed her eyes – she didn't feel him in her dreams, even though they had calmed… she felt hollow, as if a great, empty nothingness had settled into her soul. It drove her from the main hub – it drove her to put up walls around herself – protection from the people she loved because she could no longer their love and not feeling, she doubted the honesty of that love… The emptiness drove her to seek out solitude in the farthest-reaching passage ways – it drove her to stay away for days at a time… yet she was unable to find what it was she sought… she only knew that she was looking for something – endlessly searching… day after day, week after week…
>
The dark waters lie still against the shore. There is no wind to drive them to land. I saw a star in the sky tonight – one single shooting star. It felt like a warning. The dreams have not stopped for me – but I feel – lost, somehow. It's like I'm searching for something that I can't find – I feel walls coming up, out of no where – invisible, intangible walls... it's like the summer after I killed that boy... only... the walls aren't mine and I don't understand where they're coming from. No. I do. Caroline. The walls are hers. I'm afraid for her. For us. And still, no word. No letter. No call. Nothing – and the nothingness is expanding...
'Come to me in my dreams and then by day I shall be well again, for sure the night shall more than pay the hopeless longing of the day come as thou camest a thousand times...'
Even in my dreams she is not there – there is only calm black water, black sand, black skies...
>
Caroline bristled as she felt Kate draw near. Around her, the huge cavern was dark and still – she had brought a torch and lighter – but she didn't really need it. Her eyes had grown sharper – her other sense also. That, it seemed was what she got in return for the loss of her empathy.
Of all the places she'd discovered, she loved this room the best - it would be even more lovely than the Great Hall, if the way here was more safe... and if the room itself weren't in such disrepair – half of it had been buried by a cave in, many, many years ago it seemed.
Rather than tapestries, Byzantine era stained glass dotted the remaining walls, creating 'windows' into the past. Knights and roses – damsels and castles – beautifully elaborate Spanish and Turkish patterns… and at intervals of roughly twelve feet, balconies – with doors. And the stair that connected them spiraled, with recesses containing suits of armour and other statuary – a few even held hidden passages into secret rooms…
She hadn't discovered where each door and passage led yet – some led to more tunnels – some to chambers filled with stuff, all kinds of things, books and treasures – she had even found an old sitar in a long forgotten corner – she'd taken it back to her chamber – she no longer shared a room with her sisters. The company of others was intolerable – females especially… which is why she was annoyed to find Kate here, in her private refuge.
"Your father would have a fit if he knew where you were."
"I found a safe enough passage."
"Caroline – there are no safe passages into this area of the tunnels."
"I said I found a safe enough way!"
"Look – I am not going to go toe to toe with you because we both know I'd win."
Caroline just glowered at her. Kate was right. She didn't like it – but – Kate was right. "What do you want, anyway?"
"Elliot's coming home tomorrow. It's been almost a month."
"I'm – glad. How's he doing?"
"Why don't you go see for yourself?"
"I can't go Above."
"You can't hide Below forever, either."
"Why not?"
"In case you've forgotten, there's a guy up there who loves you."
"He only loves who he thinks I am. He has no idea what the truth is."
"Don't you think it's time you told him."
"He couldn't handle it."
"Caroline – don't be an idiot. He loves you. You know how precious that is."
"Just – stay out of it."
"Caroline –"
"Stay out of it!" she roared. It wasn't quite as menacing as her father's roar – but she got the point across.
Kate stood for a moment. "On one condition. You stay out of here – and I'll stay out of your love life."
"I know how to be careful."
"I'm sure you do."
"Fine. Whatever. Just stay away from Simon."