Importantish note: It gets a little depressing toward the middle here, guys. Be on the look out for some not-so-nice confessions from Leandra.
Chapter Ten
"This is stupid." I muttered under my breath.
"No it's not." Esme laughed, "Jasper did say that when you're focused, your emotions are easier for both you and him to control. This is a good way to keep you focused."
The next morning, I sat pouting at the kitchen table. I hadn't had the most sleep the night before, plagued by Jack all night. I knew crossing paths with him would reenforce those nightmares, even if I never saw his face, but I hadn't anticipated just how much.
My arms on the table in front of me, my hands flat against the top.
She gestured to the calendar like page on the wall beside the doorway, "A list of daily household chores are going to hang here, and once a day, you'll choose one to do. Just one. It won't kill you." She saw the look on my face, "Once you correctly complete it, you're done for the day, and you can cross off that day. At the end of one week, if you've completed one chore a day without complaint, you get a reward."
Just one? That didn't sound so bad. It would give me something to do since I wasn't in school anymore, and if it kept my thoughts from wandering too much, why not?
"What do you say?" She smiled, and I sighed.
"Okay." I agreed, "I can do that."
She was going to have me start tomorrow, but I found myself eager to start helping. I wanted to help, instead of hurt for once.
And just like that, I started doing better. Daily, from then on, I put my entire focus on my task, and with just that short break each day, it was like being able to shut off my mind for a little while. It was working.
Each day, I found myself wishing the chores she'd chosen were harder to do. I often, to her pleasant surprise, chose to do more than one a day, and every time, she seemed happy with the job I'd done. I looked forward to her telling me what a good job I'd done.
It definitely made me feel better.
My first week's reward was a trip to the movies. Getting me out of the house with both Esme and Carlisle. Despite my worry, I knew both of them were constantly aware of everything going on around us, so I knew they'd keep me safe.
As well as giving me some time away from the house, I knew it made Carlisle feel better to be the one with me. Just so he didn't have to worry about what was going on with me, and I wouldn't complain. I always looked forward to being able to spend time with him.
I looked up to him about as much as I looked up to Esme. Esme probably knew that, so she suggested he be the one to come with us.
I worked even harder the second week, hoping for another reward like the one I got before. It wasn't like I didn't see Carlisle that often, but he always seemed distracted on some level. Like he was paying attention to something else at the same time.
I couldn't blame him. My thoughts often moved toward the less distressing things I had to worry about, too. Alyssa especially. I wondered how she was doing, and I wondered how Mikah was doing. I hadn't seen Mikah since that day, and I knew soon, I would have to head to the store. Just to see him.
But so far, I hadn't gotten up the courage to ask. Both because I was worried they'd say no, and I was scared to go that direction again. Despite the way that I knew he'd never be stupid enough to try anything if I had one, or both of my brothers with me.
It was mid December before we saw any snow. I missed the rain, and snow was nothing like rain, but it was something at least. The cloudy day was a very welcome change. Not only for me, I knew, but for the family as well. It'd been sunny pretty much every day since we got here, and that made them careful.
Days like today, when the clouds covered any hint of sunlight, they didn't have to be.
This had to be the longest stretch without a mess-up I'd gone with them before. A solid month without cussing in anger, or running off. Sometimes I still cussed when I messed up, or hurt myself somehow, but that was it. I was doing good.
I had the strongest feeling, however, that that was about to change.
Today, Alice felt the need to decorate for Christmas, and the first wreath I saw hanging up, my mood plummeted. I kept it in, though. Ignored it for the most part. I just stared out the window at the falling snow as Alice went nuts. Hanging stuff up, putting stuff out, lighting stuff up. I hated all of it.
I loathed the holiday, and wanted nothing to do with it.
"Leandra," She smiled from behind me, "Do you want to-"
"Not really." I mumbled, not bothering to turn.
"But you seem so bored." She said, "It's something to do." She knew how I always jumped at something to do. I wouldn't now, though. I shook my head, hoping she would listen, "Okay. Just let me know if you change your mind." Sitting on the padded sill seat, I leaned my head against the window as I brought my knees up to my chest.
I was fine watching the snow. The first snowfall of winter, and it already coated the front yard. It had been snowing all night.
Truth was, I was lonely. Sure, I had my family, but currently, I couldn't even turn around. I didn't want to see the decorated living room. I didn't want to be reminded of the stupid holiday, so I watched outside instead.
"Shorty." I didn't even look at Emmett trying to take my attention.
"What?" I muttered quietly.
"What's bugging you?" He asked, sitting next to me.
"You are, at the moment." I replied, and he chuckled.
"Come on." He said, "It's been forever since you were like this. Why all of a sudden?"
"I suddenly feel like it." I sighed, drawing a pattern in the slight fog on the window with my finger.
"Let's go outside." He offered, "Maybe you're just cooped up."
I had to admit. That definitely sounded like a better idea than sitting there, hating every move Alice made.
"Okay." I agreed, standing. I kept my eyes down as I went upstairs to get my coat and shoes on. It only took a few minutes, before I came back down. Slipping out the front door, I instantly felt the cold nip at my nose and cheeks, probably turning them pink.
I found Emmett waiting for me across the yard with a hefty snowball in his hand and an evil smirk on his face.
"That's not fair." I warned, unable to help smiling.
I didn't even see him throw it before I suddenly had a face full of snow and I landed on my butt. I quickly cleared the snow from my face, my skin stinging at how cold it was. When I looked around again, Emmett was gone.
"Oh, come on!" I called, laughing as I stood back up.
I built my own snowball anyway, heading to the other side of the yard. Where I last saw him. I couldn't find him, until another large ball of snow hit my head from above. Exploding on my head in frozen confetti. I looked up, to see he'd jumped onto the roof.
"Cheater." I told him, and he sat down in the snow. Smiling innocently at me.
"Bet you throw like a girl." He told me, and I narrowed my eyes.
"I am a girl, dummy." I countered, throwing the snowball in my hand up at him. He let it hit him squarely in the face. Sitting there for a few seconds, until he started to fake cry. I smiled. He always knew how to cheer me up. Sometimes, his efforts didn't work, but that was when I was really determined to stay in a sour mood.
It took perhaps thirty minutes, until our little one-sided snow battle turned into something more fun. Jasper and Alice joined us outside, and Alice regained a few points with me, by joining my little team, and of course, Jasper wasn't going to leave Alice to defend herself alone.
Now it was Emmett's turn to pout that it wasn't fair.
With snow dusting his hair, he peeked up over the wall in time to receive a snowball straight to the face. Alice hadn't thrown that one, so we looked the direction it had come from, and found Jasper smirking from across the street.
After that, the battle went from a battle, to a war. Forgetting about us girls, Emmett and Jasper continued on hunting each other on a more intense level.
After enough of that, I started getting bored, and threatened to go back inside. Emmett quickly cut it out, and suggested something else. I thanked Alice for helping me out, and she grinned. She and Jasper went back inside, leaving us outside.
Since it had been snowing the entire night, and most of the day, there was more than enough snow to build a pretty decent sized snowman. Especially with as much room as we had in the yard.
The butt part of it was almost as tall as I was. Thankfully, Emmett had no problem lifting the only slightly smaller middle part, otherwise it would have been a sideways snowman. For the head, I could just barely lift that. Definitely not high enough to put it on top, but Emmett lifted me on his shoulders, so I could.
"Shorty." He told me with a smirk, and I knew he was picking on me.
"Shut up." I said, resting the smaller boulder of snow on Emmett's head, "I'm working on it." He knew I meant growing taller.
"You're like fifty pounds." He pointed out. I was actually surprised he didn't point that out every time.
"Fifty-eight, thank you." I muttered, kicking him a little.
"And how tall are you?" I narrowed my eyes at his questioning.
"Three-eight." I answered, though he already knew, "Shut up. I know I'm small."
"You're not small." He said, "You're compact. There's a difference."
"I'm small." I laughed a little incredulously, "Carlisle says I still haven't caught up yet. I'm where an eight-year-old should be."
"You'll catch up." He said, "I'll start sneaking you some cookies."
"No." I laughed again, "I'll just get fat. Now hold still." I lifted the snowman's head, leaning forward and dropping it where it needed to be.
He held still, but continued talking, "You're too skinny."
"I'll live." I muttered in concentration, "I haven't died yet."
I'd just punched the head off the snowman for not sitting right when Carlisle got home. That was the only way I knew how much time had passed. Finally paying attention now, I noticed how it'd started getting dark.
Out of the blue, Emmett lobbed a snowball Carlisle's direction as he made his way toward the front door, but Carlisle moved just in time, and it poofed against the window instead with enough force to rattle the glass. That was enough to cure my irritation at the stupid snowman's head, and made me laugh.
I could imagine how much trouble Emmett would have gotten in if that snowball had broken the window. I almost wished it had.
"Nice try." Carlisle chuckled. I stayed balanced on Emmett's shoulders as he crossed his arms.
"You're too quick." Emmett pouted a little, "I'll get you, though. Don't you worry about that." Carlisle only smiled, shaking his head.
"Now we have to fix the head." Emmett laughed, already gathering snow again as Carlisle made his way inside, "Or poor Frosty's gonna stay headless."
"My fingers hurt." I told him, "You do it." It was true. My fingers were frozen stiff. He took my hand in his, pulling it around so he could look at my light pink fingers.
"Next time, wear some gloves." He said, releasing my hand and I nodded. He quickly built a perfectly round ball of snow much too small to be a head, and plopped it right where it was supposed to go before he turned, and headed for the door. I guess it was time to go in.
I scrunched down as he did, so he could fit through the door without knocking me out on the door frame.
I almost didn't want to go inside, but I was too cold to stay outside. I just wanted to get warm. Even thoughts of getting warm no longer mattered, though, as we went inside, and I gave an involuntary look around. Green, red and silver of many different shades met my eyes everywhere I looked, and I hated it.
Reaching up, Emmett easily lifted me off of him, and set me on my feet.
"Go put dry clothes on, shorty." He said, and I immediately obeyed. Loving the excuse to get away from the Christmas decorations.
Thankfully, nobody pressed. I knew they noticed my mood, but probably just assumed I was headed for another troubled week or something. I really didn't want to admit the reason.
The days passed too quickly after that.
I still did my chores eagerly each day, always doing more than I had to, but it was harder to hide from my memories at each look around the lower portion of the house, and smelling the Christmas-sy smells. Cinnamon and pine. It made me sick.
Christmas Eve night, sometime before ten that night, I sat lounging on the couch with Emmett. I laid on my side along the couch, him at my feet, occasionally kicking him just for the hell of it as we watched some Christmas movie on TV.
"This movie is stupid." I mumbled, and he looked over.
"It's a classic." He replied incredulously, "How can you think it's stupid?"
"You're a classic." I reminded him, "I'm not."
"So now you're calling me old?"
"Well, the way you said 'classic', you made it seem like a good thing." I smiled a little.
"Nice save." He murmured, narrowing his eyes. I paid no attention to Esme descending the stairs quickly, heading into the kitchen for Alice and Rosalie. Excited, as if she just got good news. Carlisle followed slower, coming to stand beside the couch.
Instead of being curious, I raised my foot and kicked Emmett on the shoulder. Apparently having enough, he grabbed my ankle lightly and tugged me closer. He started biting my sock covered toes with a growl. He didn't bite hard, but it tickled, and I couldn't help laughing. Instantly struggling, kicking at his face with my other foot.
"Stop." I giggled, "You're getting my sock all wet and soggy."
He stopped biting my toes, and looked at me, "Well, you're getting my mouth all socky."
"Well, whose fault is that?" I countered, kicking his face again. He huffed, releasing my ankle. I sniffed smugly, adjusting my pajama top's sleeves. I loved this set of pajamas, because they were too big, and very warm. It wasn't that I was cold why I wore them. I just loved how soft they were. Like wearing a blanket.
Carlisle continued to stand there as I rolled away. Sitting at the other end of the couch now as we got back to watching the stupid movie.
It was calm again, and the movie was so boring, I was considering going upstairs to bed. Until the door opened. I bolted even further upright, knowing everyone was already home.
Panic flooded through me in a split second and I all but flew up off the couch with a muted scream, and streaked straight for the kitchen where I knew Alice and Rosalie sat, probably talking about clothes, and other girl shit.
I was already up to speed, so trying to stop and round the corner, I slid on the smooth floor in my fluffy socks. My feet slid from under me, causing me to hit the solid wood floor with a grunt. Sliding into a table against the wall full speed, somehow having turned to hit almost face first. Rattling the glass figures on the table audibly.
I thought that only happened in movies.
"Leandra." Emmett was dying of laughter behind me, "Oh god, shorty, I have never seen you move that fast. Come back. It's just Eddy."
"What a greeting." Edward's voice confirmed Emmett's statement.
"Ow." I muttered, scooting back. I wasn't nearly as amused, though, as Alice was, peering out from the kitchen. She laughed just as much as Emmett did. Esme even wore a small, sympathetic smile as she helped me up.
"My, Leandra. I had no idea you were so graceful." Alice grinned, trying to hide her laughter now. Rosalie clearly found it amusing as well, actually smiling from where she sat. Esme dusted me off a little, and I nodded up at her. Letting her know I was fine. Now I knew what had her so excited, as she hesitantly at first left my side, and headed straight for Edward.
"Bite me." I grumbled over at Alice.
By the time I made it back into the living room, Esme was still hugging him.
"I'm fine, if anybody else but mom cares." I muttered under my breath.
I let it go, though, looking at Edward. He looked like crap. Not doing well at all. He looked worse than I did, and I hadn't slept more than three or four hours a night for the passed week. That seemed to have caught his attention.
"And why not?" He asked me, and I paused.
"Huh?" I asked, confused.
"Why haven't you been sleeping?"
"Right." I muttered, "I forgot about your gift for a minute, I guess." He smirked but that was it. It faded immediately, and I knew someone answered him with their thoughts.
"Speaking of," Esme spoke up, looking to me, "I think it's about that time. Time for bed."
I sighed, but shrugged.
"I'll just be up again in thirty minutes." I was tired, though. I didn't see the harm in trying. She followed me up the stairs. She'd made it a habit lately to be there while I fell asleep. Somehow that helped a little. If she didn't stay while I fell asleep, I got even less sleep.
Kneeling up on my bed, I kicked off my socks, and pulled my hair loose from the band I had in. I wasn't looking forward to sleeping, as tired as I was, and I knew she knew that.
"Can I just sleep through tomorrow?" I had to ask, letting her know for the first time how much I didn't look forward to it.
"Why?" She asked, and I looked down. I hesitated, before deciding to change the subject.
"How long is Edward staying?" I asked curiously. She sighed, smiling sadly.
"We never know." She told me quietly.
"I hope for awhile." I admitted, "He doesn't look like he should be alone."
"I know." She replied, gently stroking my hair. Giving me another sad smile, she sighed, "Lay down, honey. Get some rest." I nodded, crawling under the blanket and laying down with a sigh.
"Can you leave the light on when you leave?" I had to ask.
"Of course." She replied as she brought the blanket up more securely around me, and I forced a smile.
"Thanks." I murmured, yawning.
As with every other night recently, I kept my eyes open as long as I could while Esme sat with me, but somehow, trying to force myself to stay awake while laying down comfortably, it became harder to keep my eyes open.
Eventually, I closed my eyes to rest them, and fell asleep.
Somewhere during the night, while I was sleeping, I was aware of a quiet conversation around me. Like a dream, but somewhere a few steps before consciousness.
"You're really in your element, Esme." I vaguely recognized Edward's voice, "It can't be easy."
"She just seems so unhappy sometimes." Esme's voice was closer, but still a quiet murmur, "She seems so lost, and I don't know how to help her."
"You must be doing something right." Edward's quiet reply, "She adores you. She adores everyone, but you most. Carlisle, a close second."
"I worry about how much harder it's going to be on her as she grows up." Esme admitted sadly, and vaguely, I felt her smooth my hair back from my forehead, "If only she could stay this small."
"That isn't how it works." I could hear the smile in Edward's reply.
"Just for a little while." She said, "She deserves some extra time to be a child."
"She's had so much stolen from her." Edward agreed, "So much taken, and she doesn't even realize it yet." I couldn't stop the quick, shallow sigh. Indicating I was somewhat awake now. I didn't hear anything else after that, so I must have fallen back to sleep.
Unfortunately, being allowed to sleep now, I dreamed.
Just for once, I wanted the dreams normal kids had. I wanted to dream about stupid stuff. Stuff I did the day before, or stuff I wanted. I wanted to dream about nothing, just for a break from what I always saw as I slept. I just wanted a break from the pain.
Waking with tears in my eyes and dampening my pillow, I hated this memory. I hated it so much, and just downstairs, there was so much to remind me of it. Just downstairs were all the decorations, like celebrating this horrible memory.
It was just after dawn that I sat up, and I noticed that more clouds had moved in overnight. Snow fell outside, but that didn't help me today. My stomach hurt, but not enough to use an excuse to stay in bed all day.
I crossed the room quickly, locking the door before returning to my bed. I knew that'd alert them to the fact that I was awake now, but I knew they'd come knocking when I didn't come downstairs.
I expected the knock at the door. Laying back down, I curled around a pillow with my back to the door, trying to focus on the snow falling outside.
Whoever was on the other side of the door, probably Alice, wasn't buying it. Knocking again.
"Leandra?" Just as I thought, it was Alice.
"Please, just leave me alone, Alice." I mumbled into my pillow, gripping it tighter.
She called back, "Come on. Come out. I promise it won't be that bad."
"It's already bad." I countered, "Just leave me alone. I budged on my birthday, but I'm not budging today, so go away."
"Come on, shorty." Emmett was at my bedroom door now, "It's Christmas. At least make an appearance."
"I'm not stupid. I know what day it is." I sighed, "And I'm not stupid. I know the second I leave this room, you won't let me hide again."
"Why are you hiding, honey?" Esme asked. She was there too. I sighed heavily. They wouldn't understand. I squeezed my eyes shut, turning my face into the pillow I curled around.
"Try again tomorrow." I suggested.
I hated Christmas with a passion. I hated the sight of it, the mention of it, even the idea of it. Everything about it bothered me on a very deep level, and every year, it was like this. Vaguely, I noticed how I hadn't even known my family for a year, since they'd never seen me quite like this. They didn't know I hated this holiday yet.
"Leandra-"
"Go away." I sighed, "I'm not coming out until tomorrow when all this stupid Christmas shit is gone."
"Even to eat?" Emmett asked, and I sighed.
"Even to eat." I mumbled, "I just want to be left alone. Please."
I knew they were confused, but they'd learn. I really wasn't up to trying to be cheerful today. Not today of all days. This was just one of my things. I couldn't do it. I couldn't act like nothing was wrong.
I felt it in my stomach, the way memories like this always made me feel. Not just sad, but something else. Depression, maybe? I didn't know, but it made it hard to breathe around the emotion stuck in my throat.
Another, quieter knock at the door had me closing my eyes again.
"Leandra." It was Carlisle, "Come on out."
"No." I replied instantly.
"You can't spend today alone." He spoke again, "It won't be that bad."
"It's already that bad." I countered again, "Just leave me alone." I just wanted to stay bitter. What was so wrong with that?
"Stop it, Jasper." I barked, knowing he was trying. Instantly, his efforts faded. Since our last argument, he made the effort to respect my wishes.
Edward couldn't help reading my thoughts, but Jasper could choose whether or not to manipulate my emotions. If I told him not to, he wouldn't. Unless I was really upset.
Aside from the extreme cases, during one of my infamous melt-downs. I wasn't pissed off right now. I wasn't angry, or hitting people, so he left my emotions alone.
"Leandra, open the door." Carlisle yet again, "You don't have to come out, but at least let me in."
"It's a trick." I shook my head, "As soon as I open the door, Alice is going to pull me out."
"No, she won't." He replied, "She's not out here." I hesitated. I knew he wouldn't lie to me, "Let me in, Leandra. Please."
I sighed, and climbed off the bed. Crossing the room, I hesitated for just a moment longer, before I unlocked the door. Twisting the knob, I hesitantly peeked out. Sure enough, it was only he and Esme standing there.
I stepped away from the door, letting them in.
Still in my pajamas, I felt a little under dressed. They were already well dressed, I noticed as they came in. I knew they could tell I'd been crying, but I didn't let myself focus on that as I slammed the door again. Locking it quickly. I didn't want to hear any Christmas music, or see any lights. Behind my door, I had no hint of anything out of the ordinary. In here, it was safe.
"Why won't you come out?" Carlisle asked, and I sniffled, turning. Heading back to the bed, I crawled onto it, laying back down as I curled a pillow to myself yet again.
"I hate Christmas." I mumbled in response.
"Why?" He asked, "Leandra, you don't need to hate it-"
"Yes I do." I countered, my voice softening, "You don't even know." I paused, ignoring the tears that stung my eyes yet again, "I can hate stuff if I want to."
"You're right." Carlisle said, and I felt the bed dip beside me. Meaning he sat down, "You're allowed, but all we're looking for is an explanation."
"I shouldn't have to." I mumbled now. I knew I was pouting, but this was warranted. I had every right to feel the way I felt, and I had a very good reason.
"What's bothering you, darling?" Esme sat beside me, on the side of the bed I faced, and I closed my eyes. Sighing a sob, I kept my eyes closed. I had to try answering her.
"I hate it." I cried quietly, "I wish you wouldn't try to make me not hate it." Opening my crying eyes, I didn't look at either of them. Watching my hand clenching and unclenching in the pillow. I just wanted to stay curled into a ball. Why couldn't I stay in my ball?
"We just want to understand." Carlisle spoke up again, "That's all."
"Can't Edward just tell you?"
"He won't." Carlisle replied, "If it's personal, which I'm assuming it is, he wouldn't tell anyone without a very good reason." That was both relieving, and irritating. That meant I had to somehow tell them. At least something.
I sighed, and I sat up. Reaching up, trying to subtly wipe away my tears. Fixing the sleeves of my pajama top, I sniffled again as Esme gently cleared my hair from my face. Concerned as she and Carlisle both watched me attempt to calm down.
I bit my lip, thinking about how to explain it right.
"When I was little," I finally mumbled, "I don't think I've ever really believed in Santa or all that stupid stuff. Unless I did when I was really little, and I just don't remember it, but that doesn't matter. It's never mattered." They both listened quietly, "Growing up, I've never really looked forward to today. I mean, I didn't care either way. Because I knew it was just another day. I had no reason to hate it before."
My voice quieted, and I watched my hands resting on the pillow in my lap.
"I never understood it." I murmured, "Jack never got anything for me, and my mom was worthless when it came to stuff like that. Really anything that made her have to get off the couch, or out of bed, she was worthless at."
I paused for a breath, "I remembered being very confused, because everyone at school always looked forward to it. All my classmates were so excited, and the stuff they made us read and color at school, I never really understood. I never got what the big hype was about. It was just one of those things, I guess." I gave a sad shrug, and shook my head a little, "But even then, I still didn't hate it yet."
That wasn't the sad part, but given Esme's quiet sigh of sadness told me she didn't approve.
"I've heard about how everyone's supposed to be happy about Christmas, but I never really was." I kept my eyes down, "One year, though, four years ago. I got something from Jack that I couldn't take back."
They stayed quiet, so I knew I had to explain. They didn't quite understand yet. Maybe if I explained this, they'd know what I was talking about when I told them he wasn't just a mean person. He was evil, going out of his way to hurt people. Mainly me.
"He decorated for Christmas that year. And I was so confused, but I didn't really ask. You know, the tree and everything. It wasn't much, but it was more than any other year. I'd known him for three years by then, so it worried me a little. I'd learned by then to be suspicious of anything he did that was so different from what he usually did."
At Esme's nod, I took a deep breath, and I continued.
"He told me that I was old enough to finally get the gift he was going to give me. He didn't tell me what it was, but I just knew I was going to hate it." I didn't know how to say it, but I knew I had to. I'd admitted this much.
"Christmas Eve night was the very first time he came into my room, and the first time he ever hurt me the way he does."
Understanding came to Esme's eyes, and I looked back down. I didn't want to see that understanding turn to pity, so I kept my gaze down. Staring at my hands in my lap, nervously smoothing over my knee. They were both silent on either side of me, probably not knowing what to say.
"I don't even have to dream to remember exactly what that was like. I don't think it'll ever go away." I was surprised they could hear me. My voice had gotten so quiet. My cheeks felt too warm, and I knew I was blushing. Shamefully embarrassed, and though I knew I shouldn't be, I was.
"Since then," I continued after another minute of silence, "I've hated the day, because I still remember." I sniffled a little, "I still remember how scared I was, and how much it hurt. Nothing will fix that. No matter how hard you try. Every year, it's the same. Every year, he just makes it worse. My birthday was one thing. This is something different. There's nothing you can say, nothing you or anybody can do to make this day mean anything else than what it does to me."
It was silent now. I didn't know what else to say. I could only hope, though, that they let me stay here. I really didn't want to face anybody today. I just wanted to be alone.
The door opened then, though, as if it were never even locked, and I jumped, looking over at Alice as she walked in.
"Yup." She took my hand and pulled me over.
"Alice." Carlisle was trying to correct her as she hoisted me off the bed and over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Alice usually wasn't the one to do that, so I was too surprised to react yet. Until I did.
"Put me down!" I demanded, and she ignored me.
"She challenged me." Was all Alice said over my loud cursing. I really didn't want this. I wanted to just hide away. One day a fucking year, and she couldn't let me do that?
"Such language." She sighed in response when I shouted that to her.
"Put me down, dammit!" I shouted breathlessly over her shoulder. Up the hall, and down both sets of stairs, she flipped me over and dropped me, letting me land upright on the couch with a light bounce. Outside the window behind where she stood looking at me, the snow still fell in a steady curtain, blanketing the yard.
"You're not allowed to be sad about that anymore." She told me, and I gave her an incredulous look. I wasn't allowed?
"It's not that easy-"
"Yes it is." She said, "This is a good day, so be happy."
"How's it a good day?" I asked, "No day is just automatically a good one."
"Then by that thinking, no day is just automatically a bad one." She countered, and I hesitated. She had a point there. I didn't know what to say to that.
Edward smirked a little over at her, and I sat back. Drawing my legs up, crossing my arms over my chest.
"It's how you look at things now that matters, Leandra." She said, "Not what happened before." I looked up at her briefly, "Make some new memories." She balanced a small wrapped gift on my head, and I left it there.
As I sat there, I considered what she was telling me. Closing my eyes, I shook my head, looking down. It really wasn't that easy. She didn't know what she was talking about. I was embarrassed now, knowing everybody had heard that confession. Sometimes it really bugged me just how much they could hear.
"Listen to me." She said, sitting beside me, and the tone of her voice had me look up as she took the wrapped gift off of my head lightly, "I don't care what whoever told you whenever. I don't care what Jack told you, and you shouldn't either." I looked down until she caught my chin, preventing me from doing that.
"And stop looking down so much. There's nothing on the floor that'll make you feel any better." I sighed, looking down at the couch instead.
"Leandra, all that matters is now." She continued, "That's the only thing that really matters. Don't let whatever he told you last year, or five years ago define who you are right this second, or whatever you have ahead of you."
"You don't know." I argued quietly, shaking my head, "It's not something I can just control."
"You're strong, Leandra." She told me, "I know you don't believe me, but you are. You're strong, you're brave, and you've been given too much to bear, yet you're still here. Do you know what they call that?"
"Stupidity?" I asked, and she allowed a sad smirk.
"No." She said, "They call that resilience. That's something that not everybody has. Most would have given up a long time ago, but you didn't."
"I tried to." I mumbled, "But you wouldn't let me."
"No, I wouldn't." She agreed with me, "And I had a good reason."
"It would have been easier on me to just let me give up, you know." I admitted, tracing the edge of the couch cushion with my finger, "I'm tired."
Instead of commenting on that, she asked something else.
"Do you know what I see when I look at you?"
I waited.
"When I look at you," She answered, "I see someone that can take anything on, and overcome it. I see someone courageous, and I see beauty. Someone not afraid to do what needs to be done.
"Do you know what you see when you look at yourself?" She asked quietly, and I wondered how much time she'd give me to answer her question honestly. Where to start?
But she answered for me again.
"You see him." She murmured, "You see exactly what he wants you to see, and that is not your fault, but that's why we're here. That's our job. It's our job to correct that. You see everything wrong, everything as something bad. You're so blinded by everything he told you, you can't see the good things. You can't see the good things in you that we see every day. We have to change that."
She wasn't wrong. I didn't see anything in myself that she saw.
"Do you know what the first step is?" She asked, and I waited once more, "The first step, is helping you realize that you aren't alone anymore. Look around. What do you see?" Slowly, I did as she said. Glancing around the full room.
"All these people care about you, Leandra." She continued, "You have a family nobody else in the world has." She smiled, "That has to count for something." I couldn't help smiling a little myself, "You have a family that only wants to see you happy, and safe, and would do anything to see that happen. You can fight, and argue with us all you want, but that's not going to change.
"All we're asking is to trust us. Trust me when I tell you that your past doesn't define you. Who you choose to be does. Live your life for you. Not for him."
"I can't just forget everything." I finally spoke, "I've tried."
"I'm not saying forget everything." She replied, shaking her head, "Believe me, I understand just how impossible that is. All I'm saying, is don't let him steal your life. Don't let your past steal your future."
Needless to say, she got through to me during that talk. I agreed, through slight tears, that she was right. I was focusing too much on the past, but I was scared.
What kind of future did someone like me have when I was raised by pure evil? And how on earth did they see all that in me? What was I worth? I was just some kid that barged into their lives, and lucked out. For once.
"You're priceless." Alice answered my confusion, "There's no possible way to even begin to describe your worth, Leandra."
That surprised me. She obviously believed what she told me. I knew that for sure, but it was still hard to believe. Did she even realize what she was saying?
"Because of my gift?" I asked, still confused, "I can't even use it."
"I'm not even considering your gift into this." She said, "Your worth comes from you. Not your gift, and most certainly not your past."
That was the second I started to believe her. The second I actually wanted to see what she saw. For the first time, instead of being resigned to being worthless, I started thinking about the possibilities. I didn't have to be that way. I could try. It would take work, of course, but what did I have to lose? I could only build up.
Sure, Jack had raised me that far, but now, I had plenty of others to look up to.
Eventually, nodded. Smiling a little as I sighed.
The rest of the day went smoothly from there. I still had my problems with the day, but I did my best to hide it. The snow eventually stopped, but it left a silence behind I couldn't help admiring out back.
I'd slipped away that evening, to just breathe for a moment. Kneeling on the porch, sitting on my heels, I just listened. To nothing. I couldn't even hear the traffic anymore. I wasn't going any further than the porch though. I knew better.
"Where are you?" I whispered under my breath, staring off in the direction of town, "What's your next move?"
Of course, I wouldn't get an answer. Jack knew right where I was, and I knew he had to be itching for another scare. He was out there somewhere, biding his time until he could get to me again.
Again, for the second time that day, I had to wonder. Was I really worth it? Was I really worth the trouble to Jack? Was I worth it, to chase and hunt? That was definitely a new way to think about it.
He sure was going to a lot of trouble for someone he always told was worthless.
"And there's your answer." I jumped a little as Edward broke the silence, glancing over as he rounded the side of the house. He must have slipped away too, or got curious as he noticed I wasn't inside anymore. I smiled a little.
"I'm not smoking this time." I told him quietly, and he allowed a smirk. He seemed so tired. Exhausted. I didn't know how that was possible in a vampire, but I could tell. Like he'd lost the one reason he had to exist.
"I know you aren't." He replied, coming to stand beside where I kneeled, "I hear it's been a very eventful few months for you."
"Too eventful." I sighed, looking back out over the yard and toward the park below, "I miss home so much. It feels too open here."
"I know how you feel." He sighed in reply. A slight breeze blew, pulling with it a few strands of my long hair into my face.
"And I can't help expecting something to happen." I admitted, "Since I found out Jack's around, it's like I'm just waiting. Trying to figure out what, and when his next move is going to be."
It got quiet for a few seconds.
"You're wrong, you know." He said, and I looked up, "You aren't too much trouble for them. You're just enough trouble to keep things interesting." The way he said it made it seem like a good thing. I had to smile at that. To my surprise, the smile lingered for a moment, until it faded, "And you're right. I did see. Leandra, I can't express my sorrow."
"What do you mean?" I asked, looking up at him.
"That moment when everything was taken." He clarified, "I saw how that single moment changed you. That one night.." He trailed off as he closed his eyes, shaking his head in sadness, "That's a memory no child should ever have."
"I'm more than just some child." I sighed, very slightly irritated, "That's not all I am."
"You're right." He said, "I apologize."
"It did change me." I admitted, "I just.. I was so scared. I never even thought anything like that was possible. I was pretty stupid back then."
"No, you weren't stupid." He told me, "You were as unaware as you should have been at six years old."
I don't think I'd be the same person, though, if that had never happened. Things like that, they change somebody. I know things would have been much different if that never happened. If it hadn't happened, it would have changed things just as much as it did when it did happen." I paused, "That sounded so confusing."
"I understand what you mean." He assured me.
"Who knows if I'd even be here now?" I mused quietly, "I hate it. I've always hated him for it, but.. There's still that one thought, you know? Would I have ever met you if I had never been changed that much?" My tone grew sad now, "Would I have even bothered talking to you at all? Would you have even known anything was off, if I wasn't so afraid?"
"That is initially what captured my attention." He allowed.
"I mean, yeah. I still had to be afraid of the beatings, but that didn't scare me as much as.. The other thing did." I replied, "Normally, I have to piss him off pretty bad for that to happen any other time than at night."
He hesitated, a frown on his face.
"You still refer to him in the present tense?" He asked, confused.
I shrugged, "It's only a matter of time before he gets me back again. Might as well stay used to it."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Yes." I mumbled, "Nobody's listening when I tell them he's not stupid. He'll do whatever it takes to get me back, and if they won't listen, it's only a matter of time. I just won't be around to tell them that I told them so, because once he gets me back, I'll more than likely never see you guys again."
He stayed quiet, listening to my thoughts. He had to see how I believed every word I told him. He had to see it.
"But anyway." I sighed, "I know I'd be a different person, but would I still have to fight the dark?"
I knew he knew I didn't mean being afraid of the dark. He knew I was referring to how dark, how mean of a person I was. How there was a whole separate part of me I feared. The one that hated so intensely, and got so angry.
"I understand that part of you more than you think, Leandra." He admitted gently, "And I can't answer that for you."
"I know." I murmured, "I just can't help wondering."
"That part of you is always going to be there." He said, "Once it's been created, there's very little you can do. It's just a matter of creating a balance. Learning what not to do to keep that balance from shifting in the wrong direction."
That made sense. I thought back to the last visit to Alyssa's house. What that did to me. The balance must have shifted?
He gave a small nod. Allowing that.
It was nice, I realized. Being able to talk to someone who could understand what I couldn't say. Instead of keeping something in, just because I didn't want to have to go through the process of explaining my reasoning, or what I meant. He already knew it, just by glancing through my thoughts.
"I'm glad I could help someone, at least." He sighed, and I looked back up at him. There was that torture again. I knew his torture was from something completely different, but seeing it printed so clearly in his posture and in his features, it reminded me of how I felt a lot of the time. I just didn't know how to express it.
"They know." He assured me, "They know how badly you're hurting. They just don't know how to express it, either."
"I wish they wouldn't worry so much." I admitted, "I cause too much trouble as it is."
"You're just enough trouble to keep things interesting." He repeated, and he went quiet. I did, too. Returning my gaze out to the darkening yard, and down the hill, across the silent and still park. It was nice to see no movement for once.
Looking back over, he was gone. Probably sensing I was finished talking, he went back inside. I couldn't blame him. It was cold and boring out here, and he probably wanted to spend more time with the family before he ran off to be alone again.
I thought my gratitude his direction, hoping he heard it. For listening, and letting me just talk without telling me I was wrong for thinking the way I did. I couldn't help, though, my thoughts returning to what I was thinking about before Edward showed up out here with me.
"Where are you?" I whispered again into the silent, frozen air, "What next?"
I could feel it. He wasn't done.
A/N: Yummy filler lol
I'm gonna make this A/N shorter this time around guys, so long A/N short:
THANK YOU~THANK YOU~THANK YOU to my reviewers!
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to reading what you think about this one. Eleven should be on its way soon.
Until Eleven, my friends. :D