Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Fractured Fairy Tales are owned by Jay Ward Productions.

The Gold Bird (Fractured Fairy Tales)

Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a kingdom in a far away land. The king had a huge treasury, but his prized possession was an apple tree. But it wasn't something that you'd see every day.

Chauncey: Uh, could we interrupt for a minute?

Edgar: Mr. Narrator, you're using our catchphrase without our permission.

Narrator: Oh, I am very sorry. I was unaware that your catchphrase was copyrighted. As I was saying, the tree was special because it produced many golden apples. Even though the apples we're exactly edible-

A villager bites into a gold apple and loses a tooth.

Villager: You're telling me!

Narrator: -the apples were often used as decorations, and they were highly valuable.

Some people are decorating their roof.

Decorator: Because having apples on the roof is perfectly normal.

Narrator: However, a gold coloured bird would periodically steal the treasured apples. Now I know what you're thinking. How many golden apples does the bird snatch? Well, the bird would acquire one apple from his tree each year. To people who have common sense this is obviously not a concern, but the king was absolutely and unnecessarily furious.

King: That thieving son of a bi-

Narrator: I'm sorry, but I don't think we should include inappropriate language.

King: I was going to say bird. After all, he is one. What did you think I was going to say?

Narrating: ...Um, never mind. Since he was too lazy to inform the "thief" of this crime, he ordered his son to do the work for him.

King: All right, I have a mission for you. Your job is to wait in the garden and arrest the bird burglar when he shows up. This mission is very important and dangerous.

Prince: Uh, dad, don't you think you're taking this way too seriously? The bird probably flew miles away from here.

King: If you find him and bring the gold apple back, I'll let you marry a princess and live happily ever after.

Narrator: After taking a bribe, he agreed to guard the golden apple tree. Since this story is a fairy tale and binoculars weren't invented yet, the birdwatcher sat in the tree with a makeshift telescope.

He is in the tree, and his telescope is actually a log with glass in one of the ends. He is also holding it backwards.

Prince: My dad is related to a guy named Captain Peachfuzz or something.

Narrator: That makes sense. Eventually, our perpetrator of the avian variety returned to the alleged scene of the crime.

Gold Bird: This is a lot easier than chasing dragonflies.

Prince: Hey, you! Get off my property!

Gold Bird: Uh, sorry about that. Anyway, thanks for the fruit!

He flies away with an apple.

Prince: ... Why do I get a feeling that I was supposed to do something?

A woodpecker flies to the tree and pecks on the branch that he is sitting on.

Woodpecker: Ha-ha-ha-HA-ha!

*pecking sounds*

Prince: What are those pecking sounds-

*crash*

Prince: ...ow.

He reports back to his father the next morning.

Prince: Hi, dad! I told a trespasser to get off your property.

King: That's great, son! Did you see any birds in my extraordinary tree last night?

Prince: Yeah. He was the trespasser, but he really didn't do much. He basically took a golden apple and left.

King: What? That does it, I'm going to bring him to court!

Prince: You're kidding, right?

Narrator: He wasn't kidding. Now the prince had to go on a journey that involved finding the gold bird and giving him a restraining order. But this journey was quite frustrating because, obviously, the bird didn't leave any tracks. On his way to absolutely nowhere, our hapless hero runs into a friendly fennec fox.

Prince: Ow!

Narrator: After the collision they introduce themselves.

Fennec Fox: Hello there, old buddy.

Prince: Huh? I never met you before.

Fox: You don't recognize me? Oh, I am so offended!

Prince: I'm really sorry-

Fox: Apologies accepted. Now, you want my advice on how to catch a bird who's been stealing your apples, right?

Prince: Sure, I guess. But I'm really supposed to give him this restraining order.

Fox: That's a new one. So, where are you going to stay overnight?

Prince: I was thinking about sleeping in a tree, but last night a woodpecker with a funny laugh pecked on it and I fell down.

Fox: There are two hotels up ahead. You should go in the rusty, creepy one. If you go in there, there are some really nice hotel owners that make pancakes. If you give me some of their delicious pancakes, I'll tell you where the bird lives.

Narrator: And so, they made a deal. He entered the hotel with an ominous exterior, and the nice owners let him stay there. The other hotel was so crowded that the prince wouldn't be able to stay there anyway. The next morning, he gave the fox some pancakes.

Fox: Thank you, these are delicious! Okay, to find your feathered friend, head for the nearby castle.

Prince: You mean the one with all the deadly traps in it?

Fox: Yep. That's the one.

They are both in front of the dangerous castle.

Prince: Can't you go in there instead?

Fox: No, you didn't put any syrup on my pancakes, you tightwad.

Narrator: The prince solitarily snuck into the huge fortress without being spotted, mainly because the guards left for some coffee and pancakes. It turned out that the golden bird resided on the roof. After climbing a multitude of poorly guarded staircases, he saw the bird and two bird cages. There was a wooden one and a gold plated one.

Gold Bird: Hi, do I know you?

The fox looks up at him from the entrance.

Fox: Use the wooden one!

Prince: What? I can't hear you!

Fox: Don't use the gold plated cage!

Prince: Use the gold cage? Okay, thank you, Mr. Fox!

Fox: No, you idiot, I said don't use the-

He puts the bird in the cage.

Fox: -never mind...

Narrator: You may be wondering why this is so important. What the prince didn't know is that the wooden cage wasn't used anymore. It was replaced by the new, metal cage, which just so happened to have a built-in security system. As soon as he closed the door, the alarm went off and he was surrounded by guards!

Guard 1: I didn't know security alarms were invented yet. Did you?

Guard 2: I had no idea.

Narrator: A trial was held, and the results of that trial were that the prince was issued a restraining order. However, the verdict would be ignored if he was able to find a golden horse.

Fox: So you're saying that this guy's got a restraining order for trying to give someone a restraining order. That makes sense.

Narrator: The prince sneaks into a second establishment. This time, it is a royal stable that is close to a different castle. The horse is there, and there is a wooden saddle and golden saddle. I think he knows what to do now.

Golden Horse: Hi, do you know my friend in Canada? He has to deal with a stupid Mountie every day.

Prince: I'm going to follow Mr. Fox's advice.

He takes the golden saddle.

Fox: No, you twit!

Narrator: The saddle also had a built-in security system, and he was promptly arrested. Again. After explaining why he was there in the first place, in order to get the horse the prince now has to visit a golden princess in a golden castle.

Fox: Okay, first there are golden objects, then golden animals, and now there are golden people? Whoever wrote this is probably obsessed or something.

Narrator: Despite that it is highly unlikely for animals and people to be made of metallic substances, he goes to yet another castle and visits a princess who is made of metal.

Princess: Hello, welcome to my castle. I'd be glad to go on a trip with you, but I have to ask my parents if it's okay.

Narrator: The king and queen did not trust him because they thought he would tie her to a sawmill, and they had him arrested. They said he could go travelling with her if he was to refill the moat. He found this task difficult because they had some pet crocodiles in the moat.

Fox: What happened to you? You're covered with bandages.

Prince: The crocodiles were kind of snappy.

Narrator: And so, the prince married the princess. The couple loved animals, and they had a pet fox, horse, and a bird. They forgot about the restraining order, and let the bird eat as many apples from the tree as he wanted. It turned out that the princess's father was King Midas from another fairy tale, and the reason why there were so many metallic objects was because of his obsession with gold related things. If the story has any moral at all, it is probably, "All that Glitters isn't Gold". And they all lived happily ever after.

The End