Chapter Ten: Solitude

As Ichigo walked home, he was taken with a more thoughtful gloomy mood than his usual scowl. With each step, he replayed what had just happened, what he'd just done, what he'd just agreed to. At least with this new deal, the hollow seemed to have backed off a bit; he felt for the first time in a while that his thoughts were actually private.

Good, give me some time to actually consider what I've done, and the repercussions of it, without his- its commentary.

Not that he hadn't thought all this out before he'd agreed to the deal, but if the hollow actually intended to be true to its word, then letting it have control sometimes would be no worse than letting Kon- Kon! Gettaboshi's words from earlier suddenly popped into Ichigo's mind. It may take a few days, so I'll get Rukia to put Kon in your real body so your family doesn't get suspicious. It hadn't taken a few days; it had barely taken one evening, but that was still enough time for the little terror to cause a great deal of mayhem. . . .

But the words remained Ichigo's focus for a different reason: Urahara had specifically said that it might take a while, but Ichigo had blown right through it. Had he done something wrong? Was what he'd gone through supposed to take longer? Shinji and the other visored had seemed quite shocked when Ichigo had told them what he'd done while in the world of his mind, which made him think something different than normal had happened between them, but what he'd said at the time had been true; they had already fought it out before.

And although the hollow had taken him by surprise and briefly won the crown a few times, Ichigo had ultimately won. He was certain he was fundamentally stronger, and would be able to stay in, or reclaim, control whenever necessary. This confidence, along with the points the hollow had made- -things that had weighed on his mind before- -had been a great deal of what had impelled his final decision.

But in the end, what was most important, what finally convinced him, was that Rukia would be safe. Even if he'd been played toward this end by his inner darkness, giving the hollow exactly what it had wanted all along was a strong way to bind it to its promise, and to protect her, as well as leaving it feeling at least slightly indebted to him. He could have done much worse, but he hadn't, and he knew the hollow recognized that at least.

However, things were never easy when it came to the trustworthiness of a hollow. If she had only been its focus to give Ichigo a reason to broker a deal, then she should have nothing else to worry about now, but Ichigo wasn't going to let his guard down anyway, suspecting there was and had been something else going on. He remembered all too well what he'd experienced while the hollow had taken brief control, the feeling of longing. . . .

*Yo, King?* the hollow said suddenly, surprising Ichigo away from the track his thoughts had been taking.

Yeah? Ichigo thought back, not wanting to look like he was talking to himself.

*I don't think that guy trusted you*, it said, seeming to be trying for humor in its tone, but the statement came out more serious than he was used to, coming from the hollow. Maybe the fact that he had indeed held up his end of the bargain had actually won him some respect in its eyes.

I think it's you he doesn't trust, Ichigo replied. It probably would have been better if you'd stayed civil while in control and not given him something he felt he needed to fear.

Ichigo glanced up at the sky, which was an annoyingly cheerful blue. Grey and stormy would have matched his thoughts better, and rain would have at least given him something other than his thoughts to concentrate on. The hollow's words rang far too true. Shinji's actions after Ichigo had gotten control back . . . that had been a test, Ichigo was sure of it. Was he making sure that it was actually Ichigo in control?

*No*, the hollow said, startling Ichigo until he realized that it was responding to his earlier statement, and not to his current though. *I really think it's you he doesn't trust*, it continued, then Ichigo felt it pull back into the recesses of his mind, leaving Ichigo alone with his thoughts again, though Ichigo suspected it wanted some time to itself as well; they both had a lot to think about.

You know, that's what I'm afraid of, Ichigo thought, responding purely to himself as he reached his house, giving his focus over to more pressing matters, like getting his body back from Kon.

#

Getting his body back from Kon didn't prove to be as problematic as Ichigo had thought it would be; a sneak attack through the window with his shinigami daikou badge, then chasing the little green pill across the floor. The real difficulty came upon trying to wrestle 'bostafu' back from Yuzu long enough to feed the stuffed lion the stupid little green pill. He was finally able to distract her by pretending he smelt smoke, and as she dashed off to check on dinner, he took care of putting Kon back in his usual body. He then dealt with Kon's protests by throwing him into Karin and Yuzu's room, where he bounced off the wall, and slamming the door. Then, before Yuzu could return from the kitchen, Ichigo stepped into his room and closed the door, wanting nothing more than to collapse on his bed, and be alone with his thoughts.

It occurred to Ichigo only as he heard her come through the front door that he should have sought Rukia out to tell her about his regained control over his hollow. He'd gotten so used to avoiding her for her own good that it hadn't even occurred to him; he'd been so focused on keeping her safe from himself that she'd only figured into his mind as a condition in the bargain. He sudden felt extremely guilty for this. He knew just how much pain and fear she'd gone through because of him, and she deserved better than to be forgotten about in his relief at finally having control over himself again.

She must have sensed his reiatsu, because he heard her coming up the stairs in a hurry. He met her at his door as she threw it open.

"Oh! Ichigo," she said, and he could tell she was struggling with a multitude of emotions, joy at seeing him, apprehension- -had it really worked?- -and relief, which seemed to win out over the rest upon seeing him whole and well.

"Did it work?" she asked in a breathless voice, seeming almost afraid of his answer.

He gave her a slight smile, not wanting to act too far out of the ordinary, especially now, and responded with a reassuringly monosyllabic "Yeah".

He then elaborated, for her sake, "He- It's under control now."

A smile broke across her face, and she suddenly threw her arms around him. Ichigo froze at this unusual response, feeling the hollow stirring at the back of his mind, but not to take control; it was merely observing. Rukia pulled back just as abruptly as she'd hugged him, blushing furiously.

"Well, that's good! Um, I think I need to go reassure you father that his 'third daughter' hasn't been kidnapped," she said, her words coming out in a rush.

Ichigo nodded, and she gratefully left the suddenly awkward situation, stepping back down the stairs a bit quicker than he would have expected for the excuse she'd given him. His suspicions were confirmed when he heard the front door close. He was fairly certain his father was in the kitchen, pestering Karin.

If she needs time to herself, I won't begrudge her that, Ichigo thought, feeling suddenly dejected for a reason he couldn't properly determine. Does she still sense him- it, at the back of my mind?

Ichigo hoped not, for although he was sure that certain parts of the deal would give her peace, he suspected that the part where he'd agreed to give it control sometimes would keep her up at night.

I don't want to have to explain this right now- -that she was just being used by it to get a response out of me, Ichigo thought, closing his door and flopping onto his bed, guilt knotting his stomach. For now, let this be simple for her; I'm in control, and it can't hurt her anymore. It's the least I can give her for all she had to put up with for me.

He thought he could hear her talking quietly to herself out front. Wanting to give her the privacy she deserved, he sat up long enough to close his window, then fell back onto his side, consumed with thoughts of what to do now.

#

Rukia sat on the grass in front of the Kurosaki residence, her knees drawn up to her chin. Ichigo had done it, he'd gotten the hollow under control again. She wouldn't have to worry about it coming after her again. So why did she feel like something was missing?

It had been that hug, her first reaction to his good news. A month, no, a week ago, it wouldn't have been so; she probably would have punched him in the arm and scolded him in a gruff voice that he'd better have that hollow under control, and if he was worried about it giving him trouble again, he'd just have to get stronger so it wouldn't be able to. But now . . . everything between them had changed, and with Ichigo regaining control it was supposed to go back to being the same. Rukia was just having a hard time remembering, and accepting, that.

This intimacy . . . no, it wasn't him. It wasn't Ichigo who kissed me. He doesn't feel that way for me.

"But. . . does his hollow?" she murmured, unable to get her mind around the thought, even when spoken aloud.

It was something she'd been avoiding thinking about, that Ichigo's hollow seemed to be interested in her. But if the last time it had kissed her was any indication, it was for more than just her body, for more than just to scare her. She'd been completely at its mercy, unable to fight back, and it had stopped itself, and spoken to her in that voice completely unlike the unnatural echoes she'd heard from it before. It had sounded almost caring, and then it had chosen to give control back to Ichigo. Had that all been a pretty lie, designed to pull her in and make her feel exactly like this, to think these exact thoughts? Had the game gotten boring quicker than it had expected, without her fighting back, so it had decided to switch things up?

Maybe it was simpler than all that. Maybe Ichigo had been fighting for her within his own mind, and had been winning, about to regain control, so the hollow had merely acted as if it was giving control back of its own volition just before it lost it. But that didn't mesh with how Ichigo had acted upon winning his body back. He'd been shamed, head down, asking for help. Was that just because of what the hollow had been doing to her with his body?

"I'll stop. I can see you don't like this. But . . . I just wanted to touch you. Just wanted you to notice me."

That had been the hollow speaking. She was sure of it. And she'd never known a lesser hollow to act like that, even in pretense. She didn't think hollows of that level were capable of anything more than the instinct to consume. But Ichigo's . . . it had been different from the start.

There was a perfectly logical explanation, she realized. It was common knowledge that the higher menos, the adjuchas and vasto lordes, were in possession of high reasoning skills, of intelligence and cunning. The fact that Ichigo's was similar wasn't a reason to trust it; it was something to fear.

No matter how he had seemed to act, no matter how he had made her feel, it was a hollow. It wasn't capable of such things as caring or love. Her thoughts to the contrary were mere fantasies, and not the way to pay Ichigo back for all he'd done for her. She discounted his efforts by imagining such things, and if there was a something she never wanted to do, it was to have Ichigo sacrifice in her name for nothing.

She resolved to put its words from her mind, and focus instead on getting her relationship with Ichigo back to the way it had been before this had happened, as if the hollow didn't exist. Feeling the same strange ache from this thought, Rukia came to her feet, to now go do what she'd told Ichigo she was going to, hopefully before Isshin called the police with a missing person's report.