Everything seems ok
His playing the perfect game
everything is black and white
Leaving for a while
Dean Geyer, "This World Won't Wait"
Chapter Nine
An hour into the concert after three bands had already taken to the stage, not including the band that were currently playing, Taylor stood to the side of the stage with Angel, swaying along to the upbeat tempo of the song as she nervously chewed on her nail-polish chipped nail.
Moments earlier, she had been given the news over the phone that the band that was due to take to the stage next was regrettably unable to make it at all, saying something about family commitments had suddenly come up. Of course, Taylor had been sympathetic with them, knowing family came first but it didn't make her situation any less stressful and nerve-racking. She didn't have another act to follow such a fan favourite band like Boys like Girls, until Angel suggested she sing instead.
Taylor had practically laughed in his face. She couldn't believe he had even let those words slip out of his mouth. She should sing. Yeah, right. That wasn't going to happen. It was one thing to sing to your friends during a rain storm but also to people you didn't know very well. Taylor had butterflies in her stomach just thinking about it.
Then again, she really didn't know what she was going to do. She didn't have much of a choice. All the other less known bands had already played and rather than let a band whom had already played go out again, she'd much prefer someone who hadn't already been on the stage—someone like her.
But she simply didn't see any other choice unless she wanted to disappoint the few hundreds of people who were crowding the floors of the Riot.
Taylor sighed heavily, taking a deep breath.
"I'll do it," she said without turning around.
"Do what"? Angel asked.
"Sing."
Angel's eyes lit up just as Taylor turned around to face him. She saw his face turn into a wide smile.
"You'll do it?" he asked her again.
Taylor nodded her head feebly.
Time went by and before Taylor had time to change her mind about getting on stage to sing, Boys like Girls finished Love Drunk and Angel jumped on stage, announcing the next act which was her.
Oh, shit! How the hell did that happen so fast? She wasn't even sure she was ready to show her talent to the whole world. But she couldn't back out. She was on—now.
When Angel said her name, she was certain that those of her friends standing on the first and second floor of the riot would be surprised to hear her name mentioned. No one would be expecting her to sing tonight. She had kept that awfully quite, they'd probably be thinking. She couldn't let those thoughts of what she figured her friends were thinking consume her. It was her cue to make her stage debut for the second time.
After a minute of self-assurance making sure she knew all the words to the song she was going to sing. The song she had written a mere two weeks ago. It wasn't perfect and she didn't have a whole lot confidence in it but it was also the only song she had written in a while to mean something to her. Then slowly and steadily, she held her head up high and walked onto the stage, careful to watch ahead of her. The last thing she needed right now was to lose her balance and fall over in front of her friends, family, musicians and people she didn't know.
Oh, god! Here come the butterflies-again and her hands fell to her side in an attempt to hide the bundle of nerves she was feeling. She tried to feel confident but no matter how hard she tried, it just wasn't working. She shouldn't be up here. The stage wasn't her place to shine. She should save it for someone who did want this-someone like Conner.
Then Angel leaned in, his breath warm against her skin and whispered four words into her ear.
"You can do this."
He had said it like he could see straight through her. No amount of clothing could make up for what she was truly wearing inside.
And his words seemed powerful beyond belief. They hit her in an instant. She could do this. All she had to do was believe in herself and in the words of the song. She had talent. She knew that. Now she just had make everyone else know of her talent as well. She was up to the challenge of showing what she could do and what she was capable of doing.
As she took her place on centre stage where the standing microphone had been set up for her, one single white light shone directly down on her from above while the rest of the stage went dark around her, making her feel as though she was the only important person on stage.
Forgetting about the people standing in front of her, she closed her eyes and slowly opened her mouth, releasing her first note followed by a second and third.
I've had a bad day
And nothing ever seems to go my way
I've got a heartache
Don't wanna think about it
She didn't care that her voice would most likely sound empty and hollow without some kind of bass or drum. But at this point, she also didn't care. She simply wanted to get it over with.
And every time I try to smile, I cry, so
I'll just hide my face
Get out of my way
Don't wanna talk about it
And I'll be fine
I just need some time
Then as she began the first line to the chorus, the faint sounds of a bass guitar and drum fell into a hushed build up in sync with her voice. Taylor hadn't realised she'd have the right kind of music to go with her song but she didn't look back, instead she powered with the song and tension she had previously been feeling soon disappeared from her body. Her heart trembled with excitement not fear.
I'm hanging on today
And nothing's gonna stop me, anyway
I'm holding on, I'm strong
I'm the only one who can make it change
I don't wanna fight
I gotta live my life
I'm gonna make it right
I'm hanging on and nothing's gonna stop me, anyway
A short thirty seconds in between the chorus and the next verse allowed Taylor to catch her breath as her eyes opened again and she slipped the microphone off the stand, feeling her hands tightly wrap around it like she was born to have a microphone in her hands. When she moved slightly to the left, her white light followed in her direction but this time it wasn't the only light shining on the stage. A rainbow of coloured lights lit up the stage, exposing a drummer and two bass players who smiled at Taylor when she showed them gratitude.
Then she turned back to a crowd cheering for more, ready to finish what she started.
I went the wrong way
But I'm not lost, it's a good mistake
I saw the day break
I'm gonna shout about it
Oh, and everytime I turn around
I find that, I'm alone again
I've had a bad day
I'm gonna laugh about it
And I'll be fine
I'm gonna be all right
I'm hanging on today (today, yeah)
And nothing's gonna stop me, anyway
I'm holding on, I'm strong (I'm strong)
I'm the only one who can make it change
I don't wanna fight
I gotta live my life
I'm gonna make it right
I'm hanging on and nothing's gonna stop me,
Nothing's gonna stop me
She threw her whole body into the song, moving back and forth on the stage but careful with her footwork so not to trip over while she wore her extremely high heeled shoes. As she scanned the crowd of people forming next to the stage, her gaze fell on no one in particular though she did manage to get a glimpse of those whose opinions of her tonight mattered the most to her-Melissa was with Will. Her parents were watching in amazement of their daughter's hidden talent. Tia and Trent. Annie, Brittany and the rest of her junior crowd friends. Even Conner was unable to take his eyes off of her. They were all smiling at her and obviously very proud of her, making the night that more memorable for all the right reasons.
When I get lonely
I feel like I'm floating
Nothing is real
I'm above it all
I'm above it
I'm above it all
I'm hanging on today
And nothing's gonna stop me, anyway
I'm holding on, I'm strong
I'm the only one who can make it change
I don't wanna fight
I gotta live my life
I'm gonna make it right
I'm hanging on and nothing's gonna stop me, anyway
I've had a bad day
Once the music ended, Taylor's breathing slowed down to an even pace as people in the audience applauded her, even those who were accompanied by an instrument on stage and she became overwhelmed by adrenaline coursing through her body. Was this a sensation rock stars felt upon the leg of their tour or song? She truly felt appreciative of those before her. They actually liked her song.
For a few minutes more, Taylor stayed on stage, basking in the glory of those who thought she were worthy enough for it then after a quick "thank you for coming," she flew off the stage, retreating to the back room for a quick breather. She knew she'd be wanted out on the dance floor. Her friends and family would want to see her but at this second; she was where she wanted to be—alone to compress her own emotions circling her mind, bunching her newly brunette hair into a ponytail.
"Your performance was superb." She heard a deep voice tell her.
Still reeling with the adrenaline she possessed on stage, Taylor, not thinking twice, gave her attention towards the doorway where a blonde haired boy about 5''8 stood, his sea of blue-green eyes staring right through her and she blushed. The attention he was giving her was all on her.
"Um, thanks," she said politely, pushing her hair on top of her head. She wasn't sure who he was or how he managed to get access into the room but she was appreciative of his appraisals.
"So," he stepped forward. "My name's Luke." He held his hand out towards Taylor and, taking it in hers, they shook hands.
"Taylor."
"Yeah, I know. You're currently an 8.7 on . I'm a 9.5." His front bangs shaking as he spoke.
Oh, crap! He was from that website Brittany had signed her up to. She was going to kill Brittany for doing this to her.
"Um, look, my friend was the one who made my profile. She did it because she thinks she's trying to help me by setting me up on a dating website she should be doing for herself but according to her, my life is a lot more interesting to play with than hers. I just got out of an intense relationship. I'm not looking for anything right now. Sorry," Taylor said truthfully. She crossed her legs over the other.
"No, it's cool. I understand." He seemed genuinely contented, pulling out a thin piece of cardboard from his jeans pocket and handed it to her. Taylor took it out of politeness.
"Call me if you change your mind."
Taylor looked down at the piece of paper in her hands as he walked out the door, his name and number printed on the front.
He passed Brittany on the way out.
"Who was that?" she asked, her eyes gazing back at him. "He was hot. He's got to be a…"
"9.5," Taylor finished for her. She watched her friend's eyes widen in delight and chuckled. "Yeah, I know. He's hot but it's too bad I turned him down. I guess he's always available for the next girl—or you, provided you stop posting my updates to that website."
Brittany folded her arms over her chest, standing ground. "What website?"
"Please. You know what I'm talking about."
Brittany threw her hands up in the air with a small smirk. "Okay, so maybe I do know a little about that website. But you can't blame a friend from wanting to see her best friend happy."
"Brittany, your heart is in the right place but I just don't want to be made the object in one of your match making games. I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now. Can you understand that?" she asked her in a way that she hoped wouldn't break her friends heart.
Brittany slumped down beside Taylor. "Of course I do. I just don't like to see one of my best friends down in the dumps over some boy. You deserve to be happy and to move on with an incredibly hot boy. And as one of your best friends, I'm entitled to say this. Conner's an ass. You shouldn't be pining over him."
Brittany draped an arm across Taylor's shoulders.
"I have not been pining over Conner," Taylor tried to protest but Brittany looked at her as if to say, you can't lie to me.
"OK, so maybe I have been pining over him but I'm not anymore. And yes, you're right; I shouldn't be pining over him because he's moved on from me so I should try to move on too."
"I just wished you had the courage to tell him that you had an incredibly gorgeous single friend who's willing to go out with him," Brittany sighed, resting her head on Taylor's shoulder.
"Well, I did get Luke's number."
Brittany widened her eyes enthusiastically. "Luke? Ooh, even his name is sexy. Guess he'll be my first Luke." She took the card from Taylor, almost snatching it, and then hugged her. "Thank you, thank you, and thank you. You're the best friend I could ever ask for."
Taylor simply shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, I know I am. I mean I have learnt a little bit from being your friend these past two years."
"Alanna?" Conner asked as he walked out the door of the Riot and into the cool night air as he searched for his girlfriend. After watching Taylor end her solo performance a minute ago, he looked down and Alanna was gone.
Then he spotted her hunched together to keep herself warm beneath the brown crop jacket she was wearing over the top of her black strapless faux leather belted bubble mini dress.
He said her name again, this time with a little more compassion and he came forward just as she turned around to look at him.
"What's the matter?" he asked her, noticing her eyes round and blood shot.
He reached out his arms and tried to embrace her but she shot him down, and instead he only got her elbow.
"Don't—I just can't deal with it right now," she said her voice cracking. Alanna brought one hand to her face, rubbing her forehead.
"What are you talking about?" Conner asked with wide eyes.
"Don't you get it? I saw you in there, the way you were looking at Taylor when she was on stage. You still like her."
"Well, of course I still like Taylor. We're friends." Conner wasn't sure what she was getting at.
"But I'm not talking about being friends. You're not just friends with her even if you think you are. You two will never be just friends. The connection the two of you have together goes beyond any kind of normal friendship."
"Why? Because we both have music in common? So what if we share a love for music. That doesn't change anything."
"No, that doesn't but music is only part of the equation that makes up you and Taylor. I'm not blind. I see the way your eyes light up every time she enters a room. I was a fool for thinking you could like me the way you like Taylor. It's just not possible because you see; you can't love me or any other girl if you're still in love with Taylor. She's always going to be the girl you go back to because she was your first love."
"I…I love you."
Alanna showed him a half smile. She wanted to believe his words, she really did but she just couldn't. She knew that deep down inside, even if he wasn't even aware of it, he was still harbouring feelings for his ex girlfriend.
"You think you love me. You want to love me because in order of trying to love me, you don't feel so guilty about feeling something for Taylor."
Silence. Deadpanned. And it echoed in his mind. Was this really happening? Was Alanna actually breaking up with him? This never happened. Conner was the one who broke up with the girl not the other way around. He didn't get dumped.
But he also felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
"Go be with her," Alanna said. "You're off the hook. You don't need to love me anymore."
He and Alanna said their goodbyes but Conner's goodbye was less emotion, still coming to terms with the fact that she was breaking up with him. Her words left him stunned even though he figured he should be relieved. Conner was given a one way pass with Taylor, provided he hadn't already stuffed his chances with her. His heart wasn't put entirely into the relationship and he should have realised it from the beginning but he guessed he had just wanted to feel something for Alanna that he never had the courage to break it off with her. He could be called a coward. No girl deserved to be strung along for the pure sake of a broken heart.
As he watched Alanna walk away, not sure if he'd ever see her again, slouching the back of his black leather jacket against a brick wall and sighed.
Alanna was right. He hadn't realised he still liked Taylor. He guessed he was trying to cover up his true feelings for Taylor with pretend feelings for Alanna. This was all so messed up. It didn't even feel like his life anymore like he had stepped into someone else's. When did his world become so complicated? He remembered there was a time—before Taylor—when his love life was a breeze to read. Taylor had burst into his life like an explosion having all kinds of impacts. She made him toy with his head and play with his heart and feelings he didn't even think he were capable of feeling resurfaced.
He guessed he hadn't kidded Alanna or probably his friends too. They were still able to see though him. He was single just as Taylor was and he didn't plan on staying single for long but chances were Taylor had waited long enough to take him back a second time. Maybe she was ready to move on but he sure wasn't.
Just as Taylor was seen mingling with her friends and family—those who had showed up to support her concert—telling her how awesome she of a singer she was and questioned her as to why she hadn't told anyone she could sing, Angel pulled her aside to make small talk yet what he had to say proved far more important than she realised. Taylor figured he wanted to be the next person to congratulate her on conquering and overcoming her stage fright.
"Hey, what's up?" she asked him over the loud noise in the background.
"You're gonna want to hear this," he answered, guiding her into a small confined corner.
Taylor wrapped her arms over her body, hugging herself tightly, wary of his next sentence.
"It's nothing bad. I promise." Angel assured her gently.
"OK…then what is it?"
And so Angel filled her in about being asked if she'd like to accompany Boys like Girls on their national tour as their opening act. That they had liked her performance so much, they wanted her to be a part of their live tour for three months travelling across the country to promote their current album. The expression on Taylor's face said it all. She was speechless beyond words. She didn't know what to say. The record label had told him they had personally asked for Taylor and they had only heard her sing this one time.
Apparently, they had also said there was the opportunity of if she went well on the tour; she could have a recording contract alongside her favourite band. She hadn't even begun to think about a career in music. She didn't think of herself as a singer yet here she was with the chance of a lifetime too good to pass us. She couldn't say no could she?
This was too much news to handle on her own. She'd have to confront her parents with it and get them on board of her decision to skip out on the next three months of school to go cross country in a tour bus with a famous rock band. Would her parents even agree to let her go? It was one thing to allow her to miss three weeks of school to go to New York City and partake in a dance program but this time was a little different. She'd be gone for longer than three weeks and she'd never be in the one place for longer than three days.
Plus she would be touring with a band her parents know to a bar of soap except for the music they made which they had heard her listen to. And if she had any chance of going, she'd need to do it tonight given that she wasn't given a lot of time to talk it over. The tour would begin tomorrow in Los Angeles.
After almost an hour of telling the opportunity she had been given to her parents and then admitting she too was also scared, fretful of what the country would think of her music, she and her parents knew she wouldn't be able to pass this up despite the fact that they weren't even aware of her trying to pursue her musical talent, her parents had finally said yes to letting her go on tour provided she be accompanied by Angel.
That had been their catch—no Angel, no tour. That was a pretty fair deal or so Taylor though given that she'd be missing three months of school although she had also been told she'd have to catch up on her school work through e-mail. She'd transfer her work load through the internet via her teachers and parents. But the downside to going on a tour for three months was being unable to see her family and friends everyday. Despite all the new people she would encounter on this trip, she was going to miss those who mattered most to her—like her mother and father, younger brothers, Tia, Annie, Melissa, Will, Brittany and even Conner.
Feeling a wave of hot breath against the back of her neck, Tia spun around, finding Conner standing behind her, his eyes on the stage.
Tia looked around him, expecting to find Alanna. Lately, the girl was attached to Conner's hip and Tia suspected it had something to do with Taylor but instead, he was alone.
"Where's Alanna?" Tia asked him, shouting over the music so that she could be heard.
"Anywhere but here," Conner said without taking his eyes off of the band on stage. Tia noted he was distracted by something or someone. "But probably on her way home."
Tia's eyes opened with expectancy like she needed no explanation. She knew what he was talking about.
He kept his focus on the stage then manoeuvred his way around Tia.
"Excuse me," he mumbled. "There's something I've got to do."
He disappeared into the crowd just as Trent returned to Tia's side, placing an arm on her waist.
"Was that Conner?"
"Yup." Tia nodded her head, her ponytail bouncing up and down. She turned around to face her boyfriend. "I think he and Alanna broke up."
She showed a huge smile.
"Really? You don't seem sad about it."
"Oh, I'm positively heartbroken for them…well, not really," Tia shrugged her shoulder. "I did see this break-up coming you know."
"Why?" Trent asked.
Boy, her boyfriend could be daft when it came to matters of the heart.
"Don't you get it?" Tia asked, searching his dark eyes. He gave nothing back. "I guess you don't so I'll tell you. Conner isn't completely over his last girlfriend and I suppose Alanna finally realised he can't be with her if he's still in love with Taylor."
"And of course you're ecstatic about the break-up. They're two of your best friends. I should have realised this. You were never really keen about the prospect of their being a Conner and Alanna in the first place." Trent shook his head.
"It's okay. You're just not as smart as you should be with me. But don't worry, in time, you'll work it out."
Stumbling across the beach, vodka bottle in hand, Conner fell to his knees in the sand. His eyes were bleary but it wasn't from the alcohol. He knew this because he hadn't even touched the stuff yet. His body ached from something entirely different. And it wasn't the kind you could fix with any form of medication because if you could he was fairly certain the entire population to make up the world would have flocked to the drug store long before him to buy a remedy towards a broken heart.
He looked down at the glass bottle in his shaky hands, all of a sudden, longing to feel the smooth liquid run down his throat. He could almost taste the sweet sensation coarse through his body then remembered the impact that it had on him in recent months, which wasn't so sweet but had what tasted so sweet was really a bitter feeling those close to him had being dealt when he had been drinking.
His eyes fell off the bottle to the sea; a simple distraction was all he was looking for. He knew he couldn't go down that path again, allowing his family and friends to relive the pain they had once felt when he was hitting the bottle hard, though he realised that sometimes the temptation the substance drew was proving to be hard to resist, given the events that had gone down tonight, the feelings he had been forced to confront to the person he hadn't expected to be turned down by...
"Conner, uh, hi," Taylor had said the moment he caught up with her. She was finding her way out of the bathroom when he had spotted her from afar and figured now was as good as any to intervene, telling her how he felt. He would have given anything to cup her pretty face in his hands and kiss her wildly on the lips right there. But then wasn't the right time. Not yet until he knew if she still felt the same as he did. He didn't think this feeling had ever really gone away, had never resolved itself.
His hands slid into his pants pockets, nervous as hell.
"Great concert," he finally said. Was this as good as he was going to get? All of a sudden he'd have trouble to find the words to say how he really felt. He had had always been good with words. They'd just come naturally when he was trying to write a song but he'd never have the courage to confess those feelings to somebody in person.
C'mon, you can do this, Conner coaxed himself through it. She needs to know how much she still means to you.
"Um, thanks," Taylor said with uncertainty, her eyes trying to find reason in his face. She relaxed a little. "So I have to go—" she pointed in the direction of her parents. "Get ready to head home."
If this conversation was going anywhere tonight, he had better start now. She seemed to be in a hurry to be elsewhere.
He dug his hands deeper into his pockets. "Right, okay then. I guess I'll just see you in homeroom on Monday. We can talk then."
"Well, actually I won't be at school on Monday."
His eyebrows lifted in curiosity. "You won't?" She never missed school unless it was absolutely necessary or if she was really sick or injured.
She shook her head. "No. You're gonna hear it anyway so I guess you may as well hear it from me. I'm…um, going on tour tomorrow. The first stop is Los Angeles."
"You are?" It all sounded too good to be true. Was this really happening? She nodded her head in reply. "So how long will you be gone for?"
"Three months." She shrugged a shoulder. "I'll be the opening act."
"Right," he murmured, barely able to process what she had told him.
"Yeah, believe me; I'm as surprised as you are. I didn't expect to be asked to tour with my favourite band."
He tugged on her arm, her skin as smooth and soft as he remembered. "Then don't go," he whispered. "Stay here with me."
He didn't want her to go and he knew he had no place to ask her to stay but the words just slipped out.
She stood opposite him with an open mouth stunned. "I…I…"
Was he asking her to turn a once in a lifetime opportunity down? She couldn't do it even if he was asking her to give him a second chance.
The distance standing in between them shortened when someone bumped past Taylor, pushing her into his arms wide-open. She fell into them like an old pattern.
He brushed a strand of her hair out of her face when she looked up at him, trying to maintain her composure.
"Look," he said in no subtle tone. "I know I am in no way an authority to ask you this but will you consider staying for me? I want you to stay. I want to be with you."
Her face searched his for a moment, and then she turned the other way. "I…I…can't."
She stabled the balance on her feet with the help of Conner's support and gently pulled away from him, putting space between the two of them.
"So you're going to go on the tour?" He asked with pain stricken eyes.
"I have to," Taylor softly cried out. "I don't want to hurt you but I have to do this. I can't turn my back on something as big as a tour.
And as much as I would like to, I can't ask you to wait for me because I don't expect you to go on with life waiting for me until I get back from the tour. I refuse to be that girl who will simply hold onto a piece of your heart out of fear of losing you another girl that she doesn't want you to date. I'm sorry." Taking his hand in hers to pat him, she gently let go before she allowed herself to feel that same tingly sensation she'd normally feel whenever she held his hand. She couldn't do that right now, not if it meant having a change of heart. She couldn't afford to change her mind. She backed away from him, turning her back on him. But Conner couldn't just let her walk away as though he meant nothing to her.
"Taylor?" he pleaded with her for one last time that night. He waited for her to turn around, counting to three. And when she did, he had this to say, "Would it be any constellation if I told you that I love you?"
She hated to see him put his heart on the line for her only to get an answer he wasn't looking for. But she couldn't help that. She wasn't the same girl as she was when he left her to go to rehab. Time had changed her.
"If you had told me that a couple of months ago, I might have answered differently," she said. Then she was gone.
His body went numb. Three words he had always dreaded to say and just when he had finally gotten up the courage to express how he felt, his words had been rejected. He felt as though his heart had been ripped out and put into a blender or scrunched up into tiny pieces and thrown into the air. Taylor didn't mean to break his heart. He had seen it in her eyes. She was hurting just as much as he was. But she was right. Time had obviously changed her. A great lot had changed about Taylor.
And he had lost his chance to make it up to her. She was ready to make a clean slate, and ready to move on with her life. And now all he had to do to fix his broken heart was in the bottle of vodka in his hands. It would be too easy to pull the lid off the bottle, put it to his mouth and take a sip, waiting for the transition of tasting alcohol on his tongue after an absence of time to kick in. Once that happened, he'd have the whole bottle finished in a matter of time. But it was the fact that if he had just one sip, then that one sip would lead to an empty vodka bottle and soon enough, he'd be craving for more until he was right back where he was a couple of months ago—slipping into his brief time as an alcoholic.
He couldn't slip into old habits anymore. Rehab had changed him—for the better. He was determined to keep to his promise. He had seen the effect a problem like drinking too much could have on your life and the people close to him. He had pushed everyone who wanted to help away and he couldn't stand to let it happen again. Conner was a reformed alcoholic. He had his whole life ahead of him. He couldn't watch himself destroy all that he had tried to fix over his heart getting broken two times tonight.
Without a second glance, he got on his feet, stumbling farther towards the rippling ocean water, raising his arm high above him and with all his might, he threw the unopened vodka bottle into the sea.
He didn't need alcohol to realise his doing in life had nothing to do with hearts—his or hers. If it meant he'd be able to get on with life never feeling as he had earlier then he'd do it—even if it meant resorting back to his old womanising ways of never committing to any one relationship.
A/N: Disclaimer; I do not own anything recognizable or familiar, such as any famous band I may have mentioned. The song Taylor sings isn't mine either. That belongs to Cheyenne Kimball as titled "Hanging On"