Hey readers! Well, I did warn you that it would be a month, so at least it didn't take a lot longer than that…right? Lol, hope this makes up for it. This chapter is dedicated to Tewi, who begged me to update or she would die. Lol, so here yougo Tewi:

(None of us own the turtles...I know, sad but true...)

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Ch. 10

Fearless and Raphie-boy

Leo could tell that something was bothering Karai. She had been mostly silent during their time together the past few days. Things were boring enough when she wasn't around. The only things he had to look forward to in a day were here visits. So when even those were spent in silence, he was kind of unnerved. Leo was surprised at how much he missed their conversations, and equally so just how nice her presence still was.

"What's wrong Karai? You've been really distant the past few days," Leo asked, concerned. Karai flinched, looking guilty.

"I am worried that the protection I have declared for your family will not last. Less of the Foot is loyal to me than I thought," Karai said, admitting only part of what was bothering her. Leo could tell.

"At least you have declared the protection. That is something," Leo said, choosing not to comment on her deceit on this issue in the past. He didn't really trust that she would keep the truce this time either, but he knew that arguing would do only harm. "But that's not all. You're hiding something Karai. Please, you know that you can trust me," Leo said soothingly.

But can you trust me? Thought Karai, before answering.

"Your brother has stopped searching for you. Raphael, along with the rest of your family, has accepted and believes that you are dead," she stated flatly, not looking at Leo. When he did not answer, she turned to face him. He looked like she'd just smacked him.

"He's, he's given up on me?" Leo asked, sounding like a child who has just suffered his first real disappointment. It was all Karai could do not to break down from the guilt. She could not speak past the lump in her throat, but simply nodded. She watched as the look on Leo's face transformed from disbelief to pain to acceptance. To her amazement, it then reflected relief.

"Then they are no longer in danger," Leo said. It was not really a question, but Karai answered anyway.

"No, they are not. That is why—that is why I told one of my ninja to tell your brother that you were dead, and to give him your gear as proof," Karai whispered, afraid of Leo's reaction.

"You? But why?" Leo asked, shock and betrayal written all over his face.

"So that he would stop looking for you. So I would not have to hurt him," Karai responded, the look on her face was ambiguous. Leo nodded. He understood.

"Thank you," he said. Karai tried to swallow past the lump, which had grown larger, and simply nodded, looking away. She could no longer meet his gaze.

"I do not deserve your thanks…I deserve no one's thanks," Karai stated bitterly, before leaving Leo alone with only the drip, drip of his "medication," once again.

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One month later…

Raph pummeled the punching bag to near oblivion. He did a spin kick and then another, and another…until he was so out of breath that he didn't move in time to dodge the swinging bag as it retaliated. He grabbed it, panting, and leaned his forehead against its heavily taped surface. As he rested against it he suddenly flashed back to a memory of Leo doing exactly the same thing. Leo had been upset by Don and April's relationship and the lack of his own. They had talked for a while, without once bickering. That had been a really good day. Raph nearly fell to his knees from the force of the memory as it replayed over and over in his head. He forced it back. Raph let out a small growl, spun away from the bag and away from the memory, tore the gloves off of his hands, and flung them across the room. No one even looked up. Seeing how little an effect his outburst had caused, Raph sighed and walked away from the bag, head down.

Raph's hand wandered towards the amulet around his neck and held it up. He gazed at its heavily polished surface (from the finger oils left from constant handling) wistfully before looking up to see Don and Mikey both glued to electronic screens, one computer and one TV. A careful sweep of the lair revealed Master Splinter meditating, again, in a corner. Neither April nor Casey were there. They didn't visit very often anymore. Casey had pulled Raph aside and confided that it was just too painful, that Raph and the others had changed too much, that things could never be the same, and that he was sorry. Raph said that he understood and later split his knuckles open against his bedroom wall. The pain didn't exactly make the situation any better, but it did serve as a distraction…for about thirty seconds.

Raph had lately taken to pushing his body to and beyond it's limit when training. The punching bag was threatening to die if Raph didn't ease up. Raph usually didn't stop a "training" run (now more running than training) until he either threw up or felt like fainting. The eating came in spurts: one week he wouldn't have a bite and the next he would gorge himself to the point of discomfort. Same with the sleeping. He avoided it as much as possible in the first week after getting Leo's gear, for fear of nightmares and being too obsessed with training. But then Raph would give in, collapse on his hammock without taking off any of his gear, bandana, or the amulet—but he never took that off anyway—and just sleep for a couple days straight. He was much more prone to fits of temper, the smallest thing would set him off, but also to moods that came close to being depression. His family grew uneasy around him, and usually left him alone. They stopped looking up every time he growled or made some other expletive. Raph pretended that this didn't bother him, and pushed himself even further from his family.

Raph knew that this was unhealthy, that he was being an ass, and that he should be cherishing and interacting with his remaining family members, but it was just easier to be alone. Sometimes the growing distance between himself and his family saddened him, but usually he would just shove these feelings down, burying them under the anger, frustration, and guilt.

Now Raph wandered despondently around the lair, surprised to find himself at Leo's room. He peered in, almost meekly. Raph hadn't been inside since before it happened. He walked over to Leo's bed and sat down, brushed a hand over the blue spread and brought the hand to his eye level. His fingertips were covered in a thin layer of dust. Apparently no one else had ventured into Leo's room either.

Looking around at his brother's possessions, Raph was beset by memories and feelings that he didn't want. In this atmosphere, however, he was persuaded not to force them back down; Raph let them come. He walked around the room, fingering Leo's possessions without looking at any of them. His eyes stayed unfocused, staring blankly at the walls, not really registering any of the photos, wall hangings, or posters fixed on them. Not until his eyes fell on the bulletin board above Leo's desk.

Raph's eyes focused on a manila folder tacked to the board. It held the words, "to my family, if I'm gone," written in Leo's handwriting. Raph pushed himself off of the bed before he finished reading it and staggered towards the board, leaning over the desk and reaching for the folder. He handled it gently, taking care not to rip it as he withdrew the tack and brought the folder down. Raph backed up, feeling his way back to the bed, and sat down hard, disturbing a small cloud of dust. He had trouble unfolding the metal clasps and taking out the papers inside because of how his hands were shaking, but he managed to withdraw the sheet of paper and four envelopes that it contained. Each envelope was addressed to a different member of the family: "Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Master Splinter." Raph set them down, separating the one addressed to himself, before looking at the paper. It was a letter, full of Leo's scrawling print, written in blue ink.

My Dearest Family,

If you are reading this, then one of three things have happened: you've invaded my room and are looking through my stuff without my permission—If so, stop reading and get out now so I can take you down in the dojo! Lol, I guess we both hope it's that one, huh. Sigh, if you're still reading then I guess it's one of the other two: I'm either dead, or I've been missing for so long that I probably am dead. Sorry if that sounded harsh, but I'm allowed to talk about myself that way, right?

If I am missing, then I'm really sorry. I hope I didn't go on a training run alone and never came back, cause that would just be really stupid. I know I do that too much…but anyway, if I was captured or just disappeared, I really don't want you guys ruining your lives obsessing over trying to find me. I'm not telling you to lose hope, but, well, if you're reading this then you're assuming I'm dead anyway. I really want you guys to go on with your lives. Please just give me a funeral and move on. I know it will be hard, but together you can do it. Know that I'm sorry for putting you through this. I wish I could write something that will make it all better, but I'm doing my best here. (you wouldn't believe how awkward/hard this is!)

If you do have my body then I don't really care how you handle it. I suppose I'd prefer that my remains (ashes or body, whatever's easier) to be buried on the farm. Just don't stick my ashes in a granny urn and put it for all to see in the lair, cause that's just not cool…it's downright creepy. Please tell Usagi, if you can, and April, Casey, Leatherhead, and Angel, of course. Please share this letter with them (if you aren't already), because everything in it applies to them as well. Don't drift apart! You're all my family, so I'd be proud to have them at my funeral…just as long as there are no granny urns involved, got it! ; )

Ok listen, this is the important part: I love you. You know it; I know it…I just wish I'd said it more often. Please…PLEASE don't let this tear you apart. Hang onto each other, lean on each other, and for the Damiyo's sake, love each other! Ok? But what am I writing that for? I know you will…I know you DO.

Well, I wrote the more personal stuff in each of your letters, so this letter kinda continues in them.

With more love than I can express in writing,

Leonardo

Raph sniffed wetly, wiping his eyes furiously on his wrist wrap to save the letter from tearstains. He placed it tenderly on the bed and slowly picked up the letter addressed to himself. Raph moved to tear it open, but then he stopped. He didn't know if he wanted to read it, didn't think he could handle seeing Leo's handwriting tell him that his brother really was…gone. But he wanted to know what Leo had to say—he had to know—so he broke the seal.

Hey Raph,

I don't know what to say. I saved your letter for last cause it was the hardest to write (this is the hundredth draft, lol). I know what you're thinking—so stop it. You were the hardest only because there's so much that we leave unsaid, and I don't want this to sound corny or out of character or anything. Listen bro, you're my best friend—

"Best friend?" Raph mouthed."That's what I thought…didn't know you felt the same way."

—and we fight all the time, so it's hard to let you know how I feel. I keep looking at the door and wincing if I hear a noise. It was really early when I started writing but I'm sure you'll be up soon, and I really don't want this read any time soon… Wow, that was pretty obvious stalling/rambling, so I'm just going to start over.

Bro, I love you and I'm proud to be your brother. I wish I said it more—

"Ditto, but you didn't have to. I just wish I did."

—but it probably would've just freaked us both out, so I didn't.

Raph managed a small chuckle, almost in spite of himself.

—You're my right hand man, so I'm going to ask you to take up more of the weight that I'm leaving behind. Sigh, I really don't want to do this, so I'm gonna give you some advise: with only three of you, it's your judgment call as to whether you think you'll need to step up as leader, or if you will be fine without one. I'd say that mostly you should work as a true team. I trust you all to look after each other. But…you were my supportive second in command, so I would be proud to have you take over as leader.

Raph couldn't read anymore. He didn't want to read this. He didn't want to "take over as leader" for Leo. He didn't want to "take up the weight" that Leo left behind. He didn't want to accept that there was any weight, or that there was an open leadership position.

"Damn it Leo, why? Why did you have to—"Raph stopped there, bowing his head ashamedly. Raph had to keep reading; he owed it to Leo. Leo was right: it was Raph's responsibility now.

—I am so sorry to do this to you. I wish I didn't have to, but if anyone is going to shoulder this thing, then you're the man—um, turtle—I want. Honestly, it would be ideal if you all shared the burden, so please don't be afraid—no, it's ok to be afraid, what I mean is—please don't hesitate to lean on them. I know you're more of a loner, and that's ok, but they need you, and (please don't take this the wrong way!) you need then just as much.

See? That's why this was so hard to write. I don't think you want to read any of this stuff, but I need to write it, so it's like a catch 22 or something...Raph, I really want you to be happy. I know we hung out more with each other than we didwith Mikey and Don (whether playing, training...or fighting) but you still have them…and they still have you. Don't obsess over what you've lost; focus on what you still have.

"That's what people who haven't lost anyone say. You don't know what it's like, Leo. Everything reminds me. What's left just feels like so much less…like a whole lotta nothing," Raph muttered.

—Now comes the tricky part: How I died and what happened before hand. We really did fight all the time (And that's ok! Neither of us ever meant any of the stuff we said), so it's really likely that we fought sometime before I died/disappeared. Don't obsess over it! Whatever was said (or thought, cause I know that can be just as bad), we would've made up if I hadn't gone. It's no fair that you focus on the bad—no fair for you I mean—when I get to escape it. And it's no fair to the rest of the family. They need you to be, well, no more down than you would have been from sadness. They don't need you to be obsessing over bad stuff. Keep in mind: if you're beating yourself up, then you're beating them up too. We're connected, like Splinter said, by the bond that we share. Just because my body's gone, doesn't mean that bond was broken. It's just as strong as ever. We need you to stay connected too, and that means taking care of yourself as well as them. It's ok to grieve (actually, they say it's unhealthy not to, but I'm not going to ask that you grieve for me)—

"Hmph, you don't have to worry about that bro—" Raph's voice cracked.

—but don't lose sight of what's left. And (wow, it's really pompous that I'm even considering it…but I'm willing to do it, so it might happen) if I died trying to save you or any of them, then don't start playing the blame game. I don't care how "stupid" you think a "mistake" was; it wasn't any of your faults. Do you hear me? It wasn't your fault! I did whatever I did (if I did in fact do anything—gah, I sound like Dr. Seuss) because I chose to…It's because I love you bro. More than anything I want you all to be sound and happy. Please, do all you can to be so, and to make sure they are.

If you think Angel will make you happy, then please try for it. You'll never know, and you'll probably beat yourself up if you don't give it a go. I'm so glad for Don, but I regret not trying harder for Karai…before we got rid of the Shredder. Unless she hurt(s) our family, please try to forgive her.

Raph growled. Karai had been there when it happened. But he kept reading.

—If she, or anyone, did or does hurt me/us, don't be driven by revenge. It doesn't work. I tried with Shredder, and it just wasn't enough. It was only when I was motivated by you guys (you know, wanting to protect you and whatnot)—

"Yeah, I know," Raph groaned. "You're always focused on us Fearless—"Raph froze at the involuntary use of his nickname for Leo. "Or at lease, you were…"

—that I could do what needed to be done. I'm not trying to give a guilt trip or lecture you or anything…it's just that's how I always come across when I want to get something (that I deem important) across. Just—just don't go getting yourself killed/hurt trying to avenge me or whatever. I don't want it. I don't want you guys to fall apart, and losing another member of the family wouldn't help. You got me?

"Yeah, reading you loud and clear bro: 'Don't do anything stupid, don't die in some vain attempt at revenge, don't even think about seppuku.' I gotcha," Raph said wearily.

I'm sure there's more that I could write, but I'm running out of time and paper. I can hear your snores subsiding—

"Ha ha," Raph sighed, managing a weak smile.

—so I gotta wrap this up. Please respect—or at least think about/consider—my wishes/advice. Take care of our family for me. And take care of yourself. I wish we could have grown old together, reminiscing on days gone by, laughing at our stupid old fights, and smiling over good memories…but you can still do that with the others, so please do. I want you guys to be happy, so move on. Don't let this hang over you forever. Keep the memories and talk about me during the good times. And just remember, they were all good times. I had a good life with you guys. Keep it going for me.

Love,

your brother and friend,

Leo (aka: Fearless Leader)

P.S. Just so you know: I always loved that nickname. When we were kids and you first gave it to me, I felt so cool/accepted. The Fearless Leader: a cool nickname from my favorite bro. It was like something the leaders of superhero teams were called…I just couldn't lose face by admitting that I liked it, so I had to pretend that I hated it. Stupid, I know. But admit it, you feel the same about "Raphie-boy." You know you like it!)

Raph smiled. Yeah, so what if I do, Fearless? You just took away what I thought was one of the best ways to get under your shell... What am I gonna use now? A single tear snaked its way down his cheek, followed by several more. Raph sat there, unmoving except for his tears. Belatedly he realized that his letter was in danger of being smeared; there were already damp spots. He put it aside with the others and stared at his now empty hands instead.

Finally, Raph let it in. Curling into a ball and burying his tearstained face in Leo's pillow, immersed in dust, damp, and his brother's fading scent, Raph fell asleep.

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So…what'd you think? Just fyi, this is my favorite chapter. I know it's sappy and all, but it was a real treat to write. Hope you liked the letters too. Oh, & I'm serious when I say that I write faster when I get more reviews. I really appreciate Tewi for her loyalty, but I only got 2 others this time! Guys! For all I know only 3 of you read ch 9. Why would I bother continuing this story if only 3 people are reading it? So please, let me know that you read it and still want more. You don't have to sign in. You don't have to faun over it or anything. Please, just an "I read it. Keep it up," will suffice. I'll answer any questions/respond to all your comments if you'll only give me some! Please?

Ok, enough of that. I must apologize at how far this is getting from cannon. Remember, I started writing it before season 4 began, so it's basically an alternate season. Hope that doesn't bother anyone. Later.

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