AN: Hi everyone. Happy weekend. I know this is a long chapter and I'm sorry, but I had a hard time finding a stopping point. As always, thank you so much for the reviews and follows and faves and especially for taking the time to read this. You can't imagine how honored I am to have you read something I've written. Thank you and I hope you like this chapter.
Chapter 10: Please Forgive Me for the Pain That I Cause
Dean and Cas both covered their eyes, instinctively crouching down. Once the light faded from beyond their eyelids Dean jumped up. "We have to get to them. They may be hurt."
"They are fine. I went to them first." Dean was too relieved to care about the fact that the damn angel cared more about Rob and Jerrie's safety than his. "You two are complete idiots and endangered the lives of not just yourselves, but two other people. You are lucky I wasn't otherwise occupied." Castiel turned around and Dean immediately looked to Cas and mouthed the word 'dick'. Cas smiled and nodded in agreement. Of course Dean couldn't leave it at that. "Occupied doing what?" Castiel calmly turned back to him, staring directly into his eyes. "That isn't really your business, now is it?" Dean took a step forward, staring just as hard back, trying not to be completely creeped out by the unfamiliar gray that looked back at him. "No, I guess it's not, but you can step off the hero pedestal you put yourself on, though. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be here in the first place. You don't get to kidnap us and pretend to be our savior at the same time. You're the one who put us all in danger in the first place."
Castiel took a step even closer, a small sneer on his lips. "If that's the case, why was I the one you called?" The eyes were just too much. As much as he hated to do it, Dean had to look away. "It's called being desperate, asshat." Castiel has a full smile on his face now. "We both know that isn't true. Actually, all three of us know it isn't true. Your mask is slipping Dean and your angel is noticing." Again Castiel started to walk away.
"Look you son of a bitch, I don't know what the hell I supposedly did to you, but it can't be any worse than what you've done to me in the past. So cram the attitude up your ass with the rest of the forest you have stuck up there, you self-righteous prick." Dean was pissed at Castiel, pissed at Cas, hell he was even pissed at Sam for being the meddling pain in the ass that started all this. He wanted to fight now, to get it all out in the open, where it belonged. Castiel turned around. If it were possible, it looked as though his eyes were even grayer, colder, and deader. "You have no idea how much I wish killing you would end this." There was no doubt that those lips spoke the truth. Dean didn't just hear the hate in the angel's voice, it was almost radiating off him. Cas stepped in front of Dean and pushed him back, away from Castiel. "Dean, stop. Let's just calm down and get back to Jerrie. I need to see that she's okay. I feel bad for putting her in danger." Dean didn't care. He pushed the angel off of him forcefully, almost knocking him to the ground and got right back in Castiel's face.
"You want me dead so damn bad, just do it already. Because you know what, after seeing all this, living all this, I don't even care anymore. Everything I care about is gone anyway, so just do it." Dean stood firm, directly in front of him. Instead of striking out, Castiel turned away. "You're not worth the price." Dean chased right after him. "That's right, run away. Some things never change, do they? You're a damn coward, Castiel."
When Castiel turned around, the calm, stoic demeanor had returned to his features. "No Dean, you're the coward, the one who runs and hides, shuts the truth down the moment it becomes uncomfortable. I didn't run and hide when I realized everything I cared about was gone two years ago, that it wasn't even real, just a damn lie because I was useful. I gave everything for a damn lie. Yet here I stand, facing that lie head on." Castiel grabbed Dean by the throat with one hand and used his other hand to work some angel mojo to keep Cas pinned in one spot. Instead of squeezing, he just kept enough pressure on Dean's throat to remind him that he was very capable of making his next breath his last. "If I kill you, it will be for vengeance alone and that would turn me into the monster you already know I am. Luckily for you, this world still needs me to wear the face of an angel." He released Dean and Cas at the same time, throwing them to the ground. "Take a few minutes to get yourselves together, then get back to the place you left Rob. You have five minutes; don't make me come back and get you."
Castiel turned to address Cas personally, next. "You try another stunt and it's Dean who will pay the price. Don't think I don't know where your weakness lies." Cas got up and stood face to face with his future self. "You can't hurt him, so your threat won't work on me. You won't let yourself become a monster." Castiel closed in on him and placed a hand on his shoulder, sending a cold chill down Cas' arm. "You can wear his clothes and you can imitate his actions, but that won't change what you are; what I am. You, of all creatures know that we already are monsters." With that he was gone; not a sound except silence could be heard as he left.
Dean stood up, but didn't make a move to walk in the direction of Rob and Jerrie. Cas reached out to place a hand on his shoulder, a sign of comfort, but Dean shrugged away from his touch as if it would burn. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Just don't. Don't touch me, don't talk to me, just…don't." Cas flinched at the anger in his voice and the resignation in his tone.
"I'm not him Dean." The words were weak, as though Cas didn't believe them himself. His future self's words rang through his ears and they were all true, every one. Dean looked back up and shook his head. "Really? Because just a few minutes ago you sounded just like him." Cas knew that was also true. He'd intended to sound like him. Castiel was strong and that's what Dean needed him to be, not the weak, powerless, not human-not angel that he'd become. "Look, we're done." Dean's words and the memories they carried with them snapped Cas out of his thoughts. "I've tried playing nice. I've tried to make you see that I really care, but I'm done. Obviously it's never gonna be enough. You are what you are Cas. Just accept it, I have"
Cas knew that when they found their way home, he would leave. He knew that now, the lesson had been taught; monster and human could never really work, it would only bring more pain to keep pretending any different. But they had to get home first. "Dean, I'm incapable of feeling regret for something I've yet to do. I'm not the one who said those things to you just now. He and I are two different beings and I know you can see that. You accepted that when you called him, instead of trusting me to have your back."
"Are you really two separate beings, Cas? Do you even believe that? Not twenty damn minutes ago you stood there and said that me and you don't matter. That was you, not him. You think that hurt any less?" Dean grabbed Cas by his shirt, his hands shaking from exhaustion, anger, and everything he couldn't put into clear thought. "Why the hell did you bring me here?" Dean released his grip, stepping back, trying to control his anger.
"I brought you here because I wanted you to see that Sam needs you. I wanted you to see that I need you and that you need me to stay, that I am still useful to you. I know now that I'm not, though. You don't need me; I'm the one who needs you." Dean couldn't help but feel sorrow for the resignation he clearly heard in the angel's voice. But that didn't change anything. He couldn't do this anymore. "Why the hell would you think you need me? Look around you, man. Are you blind? Without me you're strong and powerful. Yeah, he's a dick, but he's not evil. Learning to hate me is probably the smartest move you'll ever make." Dean's words took on a quieter tone, his eyes softening. "I only make you vulnerable and weak."
"You think that caring about you makes me weak?" Even without his powers, Cas could read Dean like an open book. Dean snapped his eyes up to Cas, the anger and frustration returning. "I think that that caring about me makes anyone stupid enough to do it, dead."
Dean couldn't hold the tears back any longer. It wasn't just a single tear, but many, almost as if one fell for each loss, each pang of guilt he carried with him behind the sarcasm. The carefully constructed wall of fake smiles and false humor was crumbling to pieces around him. Cas wanted to reach out, put an arm around him and pull him close, tell him how untrue that was. Tell Dean how he'd had given him 'life', not death. How loving him for even a moment was worth more than a millennia as a cold, unfeeling soldier. That he'd gladly trade a million lifetimes for a single moment, lost in his gaze, or a stolen kiss, or even just a simple touch.
Instead, only two simple words could escape his lips. "I'm sorry." It wasn't an apology for the cruel things his future self had said. It wasn't even an apology for all the death and heartache Dean had endured. It was an apology for not being everything that Dean needed him to be, for not being perfect or indestructible. But mostly, he was sorry for not being human. He reached out for Dean again, not because Dean needed his comfort, but because he needed Dean's. This time Dean consented and pulled him close, giving in to the warmth that he knew the embrace would bring, needing it almost as much as he needed air. Cas nestled Dean's head on his shoulder and ran his fingers through the short, soft brown strands, wishing that just once, something could be easy.
"I'm sorry, Cas. Sorry for whatever I did. I'm sorry." Cas pulled Dean's face up to his. "You don't need to apologize for something you haven't done. He is being unreasonable; you are not to blame here." Cas pulled back a little, putting some space between them. "I will leave like you asked, when we return to our own time. But right now, I need you to trust me, not him. I know you think he's the better of the two, but he's not, Dean. He will exploit your weakness and use it to defeat you. I know this because it's exactly what I would do. I need you to trust me to get us home."
As many times as he said it, realizing that Cas really would leave scared him to death and he knew right then and there that he didn't want that. "I don't want you to leave. It's wrong, it's unfair, and it's selfish, but I don't want you to leave." Dean closed the short distance between the two and pressed his lips to the other's. "I want you to be strong and powerful but I also want you to be weak and vulnerable." His hand grabbed at Cas' hair, pulling his head back to expose the angel's neck, tracing his lips over the soft slope, tongue tentatively tasting each exposed inch, the soft moan emitted from his partner, fueling his exploration. His teeth bit down, suddenly needing to taste more, to take more than he's being offered. The metallic taste mixed with the feel of warm hands grabbing, pulling, tearing at his sides, running down his chest.
"I don't care what the hell you are as long as you're mine." The only sound he could hear was the blood pumping through his veins, his heartbeat echoing in his head. He slammed the angel roughly against one of the glass panels, failing to give a damn about the inappropriateness of his actions. He pulled hard enough on Cas' borrowed shirt to send the buttons flying to the ground and dug his fingers into the taunt skin of Cas' hipbones, biting down once again on the soft, now marked skin of Cas' neck. Dean felt the angel arch into him, felt his name vibrating on his skin as Cas clung to him.
Dean moved his leg between the angel's and rocked his hips, the hardness a stark contrast to the pliant, accepting nature of Cas' willingness to comply. "Gonna make you mine, angel. Make sure that son of a bitch knows exactly who you both belong to." The words were broken, breathless, barely human. Cas froze as Dean's grip got tighter and his motions rougher. "Dean, stop." Like awakening from a daze, Cas unsuccessfully tried to push Dean back, panic overwhelming him. He could feel the cool glass behind him, drops of blood moistening his collarbone, hands firmly holding him still, then suddenly falling to the ground like a ragdoll.
"I should knock you out cold too." Cas looked up to see Rob standing over Dean's unconscious form. He was confused and a little light headed. "Dean!" Reality hit and he immediately moved to check on Dean. He was breathing, but blood pooled on his forehead where Rob had hit him. Cas jumped up to attack Rob, but was held back by Jerrie. "Calm down, Cas. He's fine. He wouldn't have been if we didn't get here in time though, and neither would you." Cas stopped fighting, realizing something bad had happened. He was confused, his head hurt. Jerrie released her hold, allowing him to stalk across the field where Castiel was standing about ten yards away.
"Heal him, now!" Castiel had lost his over-confidant façade and frowned. "I can't heal him. He'll be fine in a few minutes; he's already starting to stir." Cas was starting to panic now, nothing was what he thought. "Why can't you heal him? What did you do to him?" Castiel just turned and walked to a nearby bench and sat down. "I didn't do anything to him, not directly anyway. He'll be fine. Rob got there in time."
"Why didn't you get there? Why send Rob? And what do you mean, not directly?" Castiel put a hand up to quiet Cas. "First of all, I did nothing, but my treatment of him earlier may have been a factor in what just happened, I don't know. Secondly, how could you just stand there and allow yourself to be used in such a manner?" Cas started to respond, he didn't just stand there. He was an active participant and no, he had no idea why. But anger flowed off Castiel and Cas was in no condition to fight, his body was sore, clothes torn, the amount of blood on himself slowly becoming apparent. Castiel stood and moved closer to the other. Cas flinched, expecting his very angry future self to lash out, instead he only put a finger to his head, the blood and bruises healed and his clothes repaired. "You have studied human behavior for over two thousand years. Why would it not occur to you that something may have been wrong?"
Castiel didn't answer. He just looked down, not knowing how to answer. "Do you have any idea how close you just came to, not just causing him to have to be destroyed, but getting torn to shreds yourself? Does even this, not tell you how far from acceptable your behavior has become?" Cas didn't know what was more unnerving: getting yelled at by himself, or not understanding what was happening. Castiel could read the confusion on his face. Seeing the three others walking up, he realized he needed to move it along. "He was changing, starting to become something else." Cas felt his stomach drop. A tight knotting is his chest made it hard to breath. "You're lying. How would you even know?" The other three walked up behind Cas, startling him. He looked at Dean, but Dean looked down, unable to make eye contact. Blood stained the side of his face, but he looked okay overall.
"We know Cas, because the three of us got there as it was starting to happen." Jerrie, who should have been mad as hell, put her hand on his shoulder. Cas' face dropped and the tightening in his chest worsened. "But that means…." Jerrie put her arm all the way around him. "It could mean a lot of different things, Cas. Not necessarily what you're thinking."
"Jerrie, get him back to the hotel. Try to stay conscious this time, please." His voice was oddly more full of concern than the usual bossiness that he used with her. Jerrie nodded. She was having a hard time believing that Castiel was being so nice, but wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Yeah, if he didn't look so shell shocked right now, I'd kick his ass." Rob threw her the keys to his car and they walked across the field.
"You should have left him at the hotel if you felt the need for after hours sight-seeing, Robert." Castiel went from concerned to pissed the second Jerrie and Cas pulled away. "I realize that now, but I thought he should come too and see all this." Castiel took a deep breath. He looked weary, even a little sad. "I never expected that, Castiel. That was more than we've seen in a long time and they…"
"Yes, it was and if I hadn't gotten here in time the four of you would have been dead and if he dies, I die too. What were you thinking? I trust you enough to put my life in your hands and this is how you treat that trust?" Dean listened to the exchange quietly. He was torn between joining in to defend Rob and just standing quietly with his mouth shut for a change. He felt like he just went ten rounds with Tyson and didn't fare too well. He also felt a very real urge to vomit over what had just happened between him and Cas.
"I was thinking that I could make them understand; make them see that you're not what they think. They need to know so they can fix it." Rob seemed determined to convince the world that Castiel was the good guy while raising a rebellion against him, the modern day version of bi-polar if he'd ever seen it.
"You won't convince Cas. I've had two years longer to deal with my issues. It's too soon for him and circumstances are different in his case for some reason. He sees nothing except his mistakes when he looks at me, especially in this role. There's no changing it or fixing it and no sense putting everyone in danger trying to do so." Dean finally spoke, but his words were quiet, not sarcastic, and not argumentative. "You seem to have a handle on it. What makes you think he can't deal with it?"
"Sit down Dean, before you fall down and hurt yourself even further." Dean did as he was told, the dizziness was getting worse and he probably would fall over if he didn't sit down, but damn he hated to appear to be taking orders. Cas continued after Dean sat. "Because I had no choice, Dean. I'm not here because I want power or obedience. That's the last thing I want. I'm doing this because I have to. No one else can. I still have a purpose, at least for now." He turned to Rob. "Rob, I'm going to send you back to the hotel. I've sent some clean clothes over for everyone. Get some rest. I'll return Dean in a little while."
"Cas won't be happy about…" Castiel quickly lost his temper. "Does it look like I care about keeping Cas happy? Just go, or can the two of you not handle one powerless being with significantly less muscle mass than yourself?" Rob looked like a scalded puppy for a moment. "Castiel, I'm sorry. I didn't think…" Castiel cut him off again. "No, you didn't think. You're a soldier. You should have known better than to underestimate your opponent. You were stupid and I am very disappointed in the both of you. Not only have you failed me here, but I gave you a direct order to draw that sigil on Cas' hand, yet you've failed to do that as well. Apparently Dean's chronic disobedience is contagious. Do what I told you Robert. Don't let me down again." Castiel put two fingers to his head and he was gone.
"That was a little harsh, don't you think? It was mine and Cas' fault, not his." Castiel considered it and knew it was true, but Rob had been left with the duty of protecting everyone. Not only had he taken them out after curfew, he'd given Dean a gun, then allowed himself to be separated from his partner. Those were mistakes that could get him killed, but he had no intentions of explaining his reasons with Dean.
"Please don't assume that we're here to have a heart to heart, Dean. I need you to know what's happening and compel you to do the right thing, nothing more." Castiel took a seat on the bench next to Dean. Dean gave a sarcastic laugh. "Compel me to do the right thing? Did you just miss what happened back there? Because I'd rather get back to the motel and make sure Cas is okay. Can't you save the whole 'kicking my ass into submission thing' for another time?"
"Cas is fine. You didn't do anything he wasn't very happily allowing you to do. Once he asked you to stop, you were stopped." Dean wasn't going to accept that answer. "I can't even know if that's true. There's no way I would have even known if he told me to… I'm not sure it would have mattered if he told me to stop." Dean put his head down in his hands. "I have no idea what I did to you, whatever it is, I'm sorry. But I can't fix that apparently. What I can fix is back at the motel. Will you please send me back?"
"I will send you back when you've heard everything I need to tell you. You can either shut up and listen, or you can keep whining and be kept here all night." Dean inadvertently rubbed the wound on his head and a drop of blood ran down his cheek. He was tired and dizzy and really just wanted to talk to Cas, try to explain, apologize. "Fine, spill it. What do you want me to know?"
"I want you to know that there is only one solution to this situation, Dean. You need to stay here. I need you to consciously make the decision to never try to return to your own time." Dean laughed at Castiel. "Man, I'm tired and I feel like shit, but I still have enough sense to know I can't stay here. This reality will crumble or something worse. I watch TV, I've seen movies. What's the real game here?"
"There is no game, Dean. You can stay here. You will simply disappear from your time. No one will know what happened or where you've gone. Think of the Bermuda Triangle, It's similar." Dean wiped another drop of blood from his forehead. Castiel disappeared and reappeared in a split second, holding a cloth and an icepack out to Dean. Dean eyed it questioningly before holding it to his head. "Not that I think I deserve it or anything, after that, but why won't you heal me?" Cas almost felt a twitch of guilt at the question. This person next to him was so unlike his Dean in so many ways that it was difficult for him to believe that it was in fact, Dean Winchester. "It isn't important." Castiel looked away, a sure sign that this part of the discussion was over.
"So you're telling me that the Bermuda Triangle is really real? All those people are in other times?" Dean knew that the best way to get back to Cas was to continue and end the actual discussion that Castiel wanted to have. Castiel was grateful for the redirection. "Yes, but I don't have time to educate you on the technical details of time-space theory. Just take my word for it; you can stay."
Dean sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, shaking his head. "Okay, fair enough. I can stay here because I'm insignificant, even worse; dead. But what about you? Cas has to go back. As much of a dick as you've become, Rob swears you're the only thing that held the world together." And there was the Dean that Castiel remembered. It didn't take long for the humility to wear off. "You're half right. I did, yes. But sending him back would be disastrous. He can't do it. He won't do what's necessary and I can't risk him making things worse by letting him leave this time. He will destroy everything trying to prevent becoming me."
Dean still wasn't getting it. Maybe it was the bump on his head, but this conversation just wasn't getting through. "Call me stupid here, but you did it and you can deny it all you want, but you are him. If you did it, then obviously he did it." Castiel couldn't deny that the situation was hard to understand, even harder to explain. "I don't completely understand it either. He's like me before… well, before, but I changed because I had to. Now that he's seen this, he won't. The cost won't matter to him." Dean finally got it. "He's pretty tough when he has to be. I think you're underestimating him."
Castiel shook his head. "You're playing 'devil's advocate, Dean. It's not like you. He's not tough where it counts and deep down you know it. You saw what just happened. He just let you… let you do those things to him. He would have let you kill him before raising a hand to you. In the end, he'll always choose you." Dean couldn't argue. It was true, had always been true.
Castiel could tell that Dean finally was beginning to get it. "Dean, I've had to do some very regrettable things, so much more than even before. I did them because the fate of billions of people rested on my ability to make the hard decisions and do what had to be done. He won't and the world will die in blood. He, himself witnessed it in the future he visited first. He saw all the broken and torn bodies, yet his first instinct is to fall on his own sword; to save you." Dean wasn't ready to give up on his angel. "Lucifer said we'd always end up there, no matter what details we change. I still don't understand the lack of faith you have for him. We both know he'd 'angel up' if or when things got out of control. He always does."
"Not this time… because of you." Dean shook his head. "You know it's true, Dean. That's why you tried to send him away. You're remaking him in your own image and you know it will destroy him. By turning him into what you need, you make him something that you don't even want and something the world can't use." When Dean didn't respond, Castiel continued. "You want me, but you can't have me. You need him, but to get him, you have to destroy me. It's not that difficult to comprehend."
"Fine, drop the Dr. Phil crap and tell me how we make it work then." Castiel's words hit too close to home. "I stay, but he has to return. How do we get around that? It's a big hurdle, genius." Castiel smiled a real smile for the first time since Dean had arrived. "I go and I take his place. I already have a two year head start and can save more people, quicker." Dean rubbed his temples. He wasn't completely sure this Castiel was even sane. "So you just show up two years in the past and start over? You think you can retrace two years of steps? That's insane."
Dean stood up and started to pace. He couldn't just disappear. Sam was back home, he had to get back for Sam and he knew that Cas would never go for it. Even if he did want to stay here, hypothetically of course, he had a responsibility to protect Sam. "No. I won't. You may think that it's the only way, but there has to be something else. Find something that isn't crazy-ass insane and we'll talk about it. Take me back to Cas."
"Okay. Let me tell you about plan B. I go back six years and make sure Cas isn't the angel that rescues you from hell. You'll never meet him. That one detail changes a lot Dean. Keeping him from forming that original bond with you is the one fool-proof way to solve this problem." Castiel paused to watch Dean's face drop. Understanding finally sunk in. "Ah, I got your attention, good. Do I need to tell you how that story ends?"
"Yeah, you got my attention, you son of a bitch. You, of all people would allow the apocalypse to happen? After everything, you would really do that?" Dean worded it as a question, but he knew the answer already. Something was broken in this Castiel and he wasn't gonna be able to fix it. "Yes, I would. The casualties are a little higher, but at least it has an end. This doesn't. It's a slow, continuous descent into the extinction of humanity."
Dean turned around. "This is paradise. So what if people have to act decent and follow rules? At least here you can tell the good guys from the bad. Here you do the right thing or pay the price. Like I said, paradise." His thought finally betrayed him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't see what was happening here as a bad thing. Castiel got up and moved to him, crowding him. "So was the outcome of the apocalypse. The difference is that Heaven, Hell, and Earth are all mashed together here, Dean. Instant judgment, personification of sinfulness. This is paradise with a price and it could turn into hell on earth overnight. I've provided a band-aid, not a cure. Human nature is sinful by definition. Humanity is not meant to be 'black and white, it's against its very nature." Castiel moved even closer and watched as Dean swallowed an uneasy lump in his throat. The closeness obviously uncomfortable. "Stay here in what you call paradise with the Cas that loves you and wants to be with you; or return to Armageddon, your choice."
"What happened to you man? When did you become just like the rest of them?" Dean took a step back. What he was facing, the person in front of him, it wasn't Castiel anymore, not the one he knew. It was just another one of god's soldiers. Cas was dead in this future too, he just didn't realize it.
"I became like them the day I realized I was nothing like them. It took everything to get me here, including you. You have forty-eight hours to decide or I take that trip to the past. I'm sure Michael would love to have some of the information I possess. I don't make empty threats. This is how you get everything you want, Dean. You get paradise and your angel. You get to keep that promise you made to him. You can have everything you want, I will personally see to your happiness. You have two days."
Thanks again for reading. I'd love to hear what you think so far.